To be very angry and upset at FIL drinking when arriving to collect kids?

[mumofone1111]

In laws have the kids some days while we work. Turned up yesterday evening to FIL drinking (strong alcohol with no mixer) and had a very odd conversation so unsure whether he had had more, or just that one.

AIBU to be really upset by this...are there any links I can share with him about possible social services involvement if reported or would that not be the case? Anything we can use as will likely play the victim and not take our worry seriously.

Youngest child was 2 and he was the only adult present.

Tia x

[HuminaHuminaHumina]

If he’s not likely to take your worries seriously, and there’s a risk he will do it again, then you need to find alternative childcare.

[mumofone1111]

Thank you. He's very stuck in his ways and is most often ignorant and believes his ways and thoughts to be correct so just expecting him to be defensive. Especially the "it was only one of only had one sip" reply I'm expecting.

That is our back up option but would rather try to solve first by showing that it's not ok and he's thinking is old fashioned and no longer correct

[ZekeZeke]

Who looks after the child? I imagine the grandmother, not the grandfather?
Assume she is sober? Thereby quite capable of looking after the GC.

You cannot tell him what he can or cannot do in his own home. What you can do is find alternative childcare.
And your H needs to have this conversation not you.

[DrJoanAllenby]

No I wouldn't leave any child with someone who drinks whilst the child is their responsibility.

I am teetotal so I have zero tolerance dow anyone else who drinks alcohol.

[Newgirls]

You need to find better childcare and end this arrangement now. If he thought it was ok that won’t change any time soon.

[ApolloandDaphne]

Social services would not become involved because grandad had a drink while looking after your children. If the children were harmed in some way they might have minimal involvement but they would be clear that safeguarding your children is up to you. You now have to make decisions about whether you trust him with the children in the future or not.

[mumofone1111]

@ZekeZeke

Who looks after the child? I imagine the grandmother, not the grandfather?
Assume she is sober? Thereby quite capable of looking after the GC.

You cannot tell him what he can or cannot do in his own home. What you can do is find alternative childcare.
And your H needs to have this conversation not you.

We will have it together and most of the time yes but he was left on his own as per my post was the only adult

[Haydenn]

Wouldn’t you just find alternative care rather than involve social services? If you don’t like the care they provide for your child go elsewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

[kiwiane]

It’s down to you - you know he drinks so you must not leave your child with him. Find another option - childminder or nanny?

[SantaBarbaraMonica]

A drink is not a problem but it’s a bit weird he’s had one. A load of drinks is a problem. But if it’s a drink, or even two, and you don’t like it, then tell him. And if he doesn’t agree, get other childcare.
Youre being dramatic about SS.

[RollOnSpringDays]

Presumably he’s a drinker in general? If he’s drinking in the afternoon then yes it’s likely he has a problem and I wouldn’t leave my kids with him unsupervised.

[DoYouWantMeToBeTheCat]

You can’t get a dog and expect it to not bark.

He doesn’t like to be told what to do and is drinking hard alcohol when in charge of a toddler. You can’t bully him into making good life choices.

[CulturalNomad]

You cannot tell him what he can or cannot do in his own home. What you can do is find alternative childcare

Agreed. This just isn't a sustainable arrangement. Make other childcare arrangements and don't waste your time trying to convince this man that his "thinking is old-fashioned".

He " thinks" It's OK to drink while being responsible for young children. That's all you need to know.

[mumofone1111]

@Haydenn

Wouldn’t you just find alternative care rather than involve social services? If you don’t like the care they provide for your child go elsewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not going to involve them wanted him to realise it's not just us being over protective so was wondering if they would and maybe something we could show him.

[mumofone1111]

@SantaBarbaraMonica

A drink is not a problem but it’s a bit weird he’s had one. A load of drinks is a problem. But if it’s a drink, or even two, and you don’t like it, then tell him. And if he doesn’t agree, get other childcare.
Youre being dramatic about SS.

I am not being dramatic. I asked if they would as I wanted to show him evidence it is not acceptable anymore especially as the only adult present I was never going to report him would just find alternative care

[Peclet]

I think your approach is really weird.

What time of day was it? Surely you know the guy, is it his habit to have a pre dinner cocktail around 5pm or is it not? Is one drink ok? Or one is fine but not two? You need to think about your boundaries and if you’re expecting nanny style levels then you should pay for nanny fees!

[TheBeesKnee]

I think it's a problem if he's getting sloshed regularly and is often left alone.

I'm guessing it was a one off and grandma is normally there too?

I mean I wouldn't be happy either but I'd chalk it up to experience instead of trying to get him to change his behaviour because it sounds like a losing battle.

[greyonwhitesky]

Social services will not be interested.

Your plan seems to be to threaten him with SS and call him old fashioned. It’s hard to think of an approach less likely to succeed and more likely to cause a family rift.

If it’s a deal breaker politely say if he drinks you won’t be able to leave your toddler with him. And find alternative childcare if he doesn’t want to agree.

[paintingvenice]

@mumofone1111

I'm not going to involve them wanted him to realise it's not just us being over protective so was wondering if they would and maybe something we could show him.

But loads of parents and family members drink when looking after kids? Do you think parents remain sober until the kids reach 18? Unless it’s a formal paid for job (in which case I think it would be a breach of employment terms rather than a social services matter) I think you are grasping at straws here.

[renthead]

I am not being dramatic. I asked if they would as I wanted to show him evidence it is not acceptable anymore especially as the only adult present I was never going to report him would just find alternative care

I understand your anxiety if he seemed tipsy/drunk. My F is an alcoholic and there are plenty of times when I definitely would not leave him in sole charge of my DC. But talk of SS and drinking while taking care of children being "not acceptable anymore" is completely ridiculous. My DH is away for work at the moment; yesterday evening I had a G&T while in sole charge of my two DC. Someone call SS!

[DearAnt]

Why can’t people read the OP? It’s not long.

OP made clear that FIL was the only adult present, someone assumes that MIL is there and looking after the child.

OP said she was picking him up in the evening, someone replies talking about FIL drinking in the afternoon.

OP asks for information that can be shared with FIL re. potential social services involvement if a situation like this was ever reported, several people reply as if the OP is actually reporting it to social services.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

You can’t make him stop drinking when looking after your child if he’s someone this set in his ways. He either had to know it’s not appropriate for himself or not.

The only answer is to stop using them as childcare.

[User284725]

I think unless he was obviously drunk, you are over reacting. He may have just poured it, and one would be ok imo. Do you think single parents never drink at all? What do you mean by odd conversation?

[DrunkTinkerbell40s]

Out of interest, are you tea total?
I drink alcohol whilst my kids are with me so I wouldn't be concerned if my parents had a couple of drinks whilst looking after them.
If they're blind drunk that's different, but a bit merry is no problem!

[StormingNorman]

Would you and DH not have a glass of wine or a gin and tonic with the kids at home?

You do seem to have overreacted a bit.