Childminder and boundaries

[Palmtree7]

Hi

My 18 month old daughter started going to a local childminder about 5 months ago. She settled quite quickly and it's clear that the childminder and her husband really dote on her. They are in their late 50s/early 60s.

My daughter goes 3 days a week and there are 2 other kids of a similar ago that are there for 2 of the days.

We aren't from this area and have no family support and the childminder had helped out on other occasions as and when needed.

I'm fairly sure my daughter is happy there and I receive photos and videos everyday.

BUT, I have some niggles. For example.

• I often will recount how my daughter plays up on me at certain things like nappy changes, getting nails cut, going into car seat (all fairly common I believe). Anytime I mention something specific, within a week I get a video of her doing whichever thing I have said I struggle with with a running commentary of "look mummy, no problem getting this done here". I think this is goady and insensitive.
  

• when I collect my daughter, if she's being held by another family member of the childminder and reaches out for me, sometimes crying, the childminder will block me, when I am literally about to take hold my my daughter and snatch her off me, even when she is crying, stating "no, I need my kisses before you go to mummy otherwise I won't get them".
  

• often, I will be asked in advance if my childminder has somewhere to go and asked if it's ok that my daughter go too. But there have been 3 recent occasions where my daughter has been taken on a long day journey (50-100 miles) and I've not been asked but later told after the fact when I've collected her.
  

• I got a video last week of my daughter playing outside and calling "mama". I then hear my childminder say "I'm here, I'm here".
  

Surely these are examples of completely overstepping the mark? I really don't know what to do. I don't want to unsettle my daughter by moving her but at the same time, I've developed a lack of trust at how far the childminder has overstepped repeatedly.

She (childminder) seems very possessive of my daughter and seems to get jealous very easily when she has no right to be jealous. I am my child's mother!

Am I overacting or should I be exploring other options? If I do explore other options, I know it will break my childminders heart (and her husbands) and it will be extremely uncomfortable but at the end of the day, I have to do the right thing. The "mama" incident was the last straw for me.

[MamaBear54321]

I would not be comfortable with any of this tbh . There has to be a proffesional line drawn somewhere and appears they have mowed through it and have no respect for you as a mother. This must be really difficult as you have no family support nearby i get that . Please go with your gut on this . I would personally look elsewhere for childcare if it were me but understand you not wanting to unsettle your daughter . It so tough .

[lambwool]

Sounds like an overbearing MIL, definitely is too much. But I can understand it's hard to address

[whatageareyou]

Too much, I would move her to a nursery

[Palmtree7]

@MamaBear54321 @lambwool

Thank you both for replying and for reinforcing that I'm not being overly sensitive here.

It's a really difficult position to be in. My gut is telling me to move her but the prospect of addressing that is not nice at all.

They have been very good to us and our daughter but there is no respect and the boundaries don't exist.

I'm too nice and have stood there and let this happen gradually when I should have spoken up.

My other option is to take a step back, keep the chit chat to essential only, make a confident statement that any trips need to be cleared by me in advance, if there is any grabbing of daughter for kisses, step in and take control and say a firm no.

I want to teach my daughter that her body is her own and she can say no when she doesn't want to be hugged, kissed, etc. I know for a fact that they won't respect this as she gets older.

It's just a horrible position to be in really.

[Loopydodo]

I don’t know what to suggest but one thing I do want to say in the hopes it will help. Children are very different whilst being cared for by someone else. It’s just the way it is generally. When my children went to a childminder they were perfectly behaved, polite and ate everything put in front of them. They turned into little horrors at home though! It’s very common for children to behave wonderfully with other people and it feels like you’re doing something wrong. This is so far from the truth. Your child knows they have unconditional love from you, they feel comfortable testing (and sometimes stomping on) the boundaries. They feel safe and loved to explore reactions and consequences.

I hope you don’t mind me saying all that, I just know that it really helped me at the time when I was getting the rough end of the stick.

in regards to your childminder, you need to follow your gut. Childminding is a very caring profession, my children were made to feel part of the family which I loved. That family, however, had professional boundaries. The childminder’s home became their second home but the childminder never crossed any lines. Occasionally mine, and the other children, would mistaking call out mummy by accident but the childminder was quick to say ‘ my name is xxxxxx’ or similar. The kids would just giggle and correct themselves. The childminder also never made the children give her cuddles but she was always willing with open arms if they wanted one.

the whole day trips is a difficult one as it’s lovely their taking her on nice days out. I never questioned if the childminder was taking my children out. I just knew that if she did they would have a lovely day.

[Palmtree7]

Not wishing to drip feed but also, the childminder isn't registered. She was recommended to me by a few locals.

She said she isn't registered because she does it for her love of children and being registered would make it too "businessy".

But it IS a business. I pay her! So WHY isn't she registered?

A few other local non registered childminders were reported recently and my childminder told me not to tell anyone that she isn't registered, and if anyone asks her, she is my friend helping me out. She then said words which don't sit right with me "no-one takes my babies away from me".

On paper, she is completely unhinged and you're probably reading this wondering what kind of irresponsible idiot am I, but she is, aside from my complaints, very good with children and well known, and liked, in the local community.

[CyanBird]

The fact that she isn’t registered and is asking you to lie would be very off putting for me, never mind the rest !

[GreenHome]

I stopped reading at ‘not registered’

Please do your daughter a favour and use a professional

[Starlightstarbright3]

Oh god no .

i was a childminder for 10 years . Lots of cuddles when needed but never kisses .

I have sent parents reassuring videos photos , when babies wouldn’t go down for tummy time but loved it because I didn’t want them to think I was making it up . Children do act differently with parents than others

The blocking from you again unacceptable unless you were across a road and in danger.

where did they go for 50-60 miles ? We have nipped to the shops , I have taken children to the odd urgent gp appointment with myself or Ds but given options to collect if they preferred .

One thing I used to say to parents- trust your instincts . Yours definitely don’t sound off . I would move immediately - I wouldn’t give a damn what they thought . Your child is the most important person here .

[Palmtree7]

@Loopydodo Thank you for your comments and I appreciate them. The thing is, her home has become a second home to my daughter and she has been welcoming into their family. I'm certain that they adore her.

But my childminder likes it when my daughter cries when I arrive at pick up. I see her smirking and smiling. Like it's a competition! That's just not right. I've read lots around kids at childcare and how they often cry at pick up because it's a sense of relief from holding it together all day.

That competitive side is my issue. I don't doubt that she is loved and cared for - but I have serious doubts about what my childminder thinks her role is and how she communicates that with my daughter. That, and her lack of tact, which I feel is deliberate and her lack of respect for me. She often talks to me like I'm wet behind the ears. Not that it makes a difference, but I'm in my forties!

[Whereisthesun99]

Hi, sorry you feel this way, I do feel you should look for another childminder and or nursery as they will be registered so you can could use tax free childcare to help pay the fees and claim the funding once eligible. When I was childminding and the babies were tiny but learning to talk I did often get called mummy , I did always correct them but I never told there mums they called me mummy as I did not want to upset them . I never saw it was they thought of me as mummy more that they heard my own children call me and just thought that was my name or they think all ladies are called mummy. as they got older mummy gradually turned to my actual name. My families always know if we were going on trips and where we would be each day this could be a local attraction, another childminders or event at my children’s school .My little ones loved the events at my children’s school like reading cafe , sports day etc we always had nice little picnic and they got to join in, cheer on the other children

[Starlightstarbright3]

Reading your last comment . My child would not be going back . She probably isn’t paediatric first aid trained , not planning for the children , not DBS checked , not insured .

what she is doing is illegal . She needs reporting sounds as creepy as fuck the more you say .

you would be eligible for tax free childcare or Uc childcare payments depending on your income .

[Motnight]

@GreenHome

I stopped reading at ‘not registered’

Please do your daughter a favour and use a professional

Yep

[Basilthymerosemary]

Change nursery asap.

[dreadisabaddog]

I'd hate this and it's not the I decided nursery was better for my kids. Lots of people love a close 1-1 relationship for their child and caregiver but I prefer lots lf people and accountability

[carly2803]

not registered?
not insured (she wont be)!,
probably no dbs checked as she has no reason to have one!!

no first aid certificate?

do your daughter a favour and protect her from this lot at least

the "childminder" also sounds unhinged

[Loopydodo]

this woman needs to be reported as an unregistered childminder! If she isn’t registered then she isn’t a childminder.

[OmniPresents]

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 so many red flags here OP

I would remove her ASAP and find alternative provision that is OFSTED registered and where the staff behave appropriately and have proper boundaries.

She sounds quite unpleasant tbh.

[calligraphee]

You need to move your child to a registered provider.

[CelesteCunningham]

So she doesn't want to do her job properly and pay tax on her income?

Run for the hills OP, as someone else said she sounds like an overbearing MIL but she isn't even your DC's granny.

[SMaCM]

Please don’t call her a childminder, because she’s not. She’s someone providing illegal childcare. Please move your child to a registered childminder or nursery, for your own protection and theirs.

[Sprinkles211]

Not registered means not CRB checked neither is all the strange people she's letting (actively encouraging) your child to sit on my god I feel a bit sick. My grandparents were Foster carers for 40+ years some of the stories from unregistered childcare are truly truly horrifying please move her you already know they're pushing the boundaries in front of you what on earth is going on that your shielded from. I'm sorry to scare you and I am totally coming from a one sided opinion due to being made aware of the bad side but I'd not risk a dog at an unregistered boarding kennel let alone a child with unregistered childcare.

[NuffSaidSam]

I was in the 'give her another chance' camp until the update that she's not registered. I'd look for another childminder.

The 'Mama' one though, it's very common for children to go though a stage where they call all female caregivers mum/mama/mummy and all male caregivers dad/daddy. It's quite possible that your child was calling for the childminder when she was saying 'mama'. In a nanny and I think every child I've ever looked after has gone through a stage of calling me mummy. It passed like all stages do and none of them, at any point, actually thought I was their mum!

[bubblesforbreakfast]

I wouldn't be comfortable if this was a grandparent let alone a childminder. Move her immediately. Pay your notice period... but don't send her in.

[GreatGateauxsby]

I read your OP and thought how in gods name is this woman registered????

Answer: she isn’t

do everyone a favour and get proper childcare.

as others said she sounds like an overbearing mil not a professional childcare service.