Why am I like this & how can I change

[plg]

Over the past few years due to a few reasons (I think lockdown, change of jobs & becoming a mum) I’ve lost friends & acquaintances & have become very lonely but don’t know how to fix it. I’m 39, married with DS 3.5 yrs & 5Mo DD.

I returned to work after DS & being in the office 5 days per week with people to talk to daily I didn’t seem to notice so much, weekends were taken up with DS. Now I’m on maternity leave again I can’t stop feeling upset about how empty my life is in terms of friends. I only really have 2 friends, 1 of whom is in another part of the country but do talk / text daily & the other I see maybe once a month.

I’ve been going to a mum & baby music sensory class on a Sunday for past 5 weeks & few days ago was the last one in the block. I’ve been chatting each week with one mum who has been lovely & she’s asked a few times how any classes I have left, if she’ll see me again & if I’ll be booking more. As we were leaving she said we should go for a walk some time & she’ll get my number from the shared WhatsApp group. I panicked & said yes sounds good & never followed it up with anything & just got in the car!

I’d love for meet her as I am so lonely & she has a DD same age so we have lots in common but I know I won’t because I’m afraid of embarrassing myself, being annoying, complaining about motherhood etc. the thought of meeting someone gives me so much anxiety I’d just rather not! This has happened a few times in the past few years where I’ve hit it off with someone but as soon as it comes to getting friendlier I just can’t, then the other person never bothers. How can I overcome this? I feel like if I force myself to do this & meet up I’d be so stressed then spend the rest of the day analysing & cringing at everything I said & did. Why am I like this!

[Yupppp]

Hi, it’s actually not that unusual and it’s part of the cycle of loneliness- we become lonely, then scared of social “failure” then thus more lonely from avoiding people . I do get it - I get this social anxiety thing when someone seems to like me; a terror of letting them down.
What I’ve found helpful is that instead of thinking “what if I get nervous and screw it up??” I accept that I’ll be nervous and I nearly dare myself to be nervous! And the thing is: I am not turned off by people who act nervous and say the wrong thing, I find it kind of endearing, so you can’t presume that everyone finds it a turn off. This woman most likely likes your vibe - what about doing her a favour and meeting her. Hugs.

[plg]

@Yupppp thanks for your reply. It IS like a terror of letting someone down! I only really relax with the 2 friends I have as I seem to gotten over letting them down, one of the friends I’ve know since I was 5 years old!! I really want to beak the cycle of loneliness & be ‘normal’ so I think you’re right I’m going to try & meet her. For all I know she could be same & really took a lot mentioning meeting up!

[Yupppp]

Good for you. Show up as who you are, you sound lovely and that’s enough 💐