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Whether you're a permanent teacher, supply teacher or student teacher, you'll find others in the same situation on our Staffroom forum.

Original poster

Is it always like this?!

26 replies

FlorenceDayingale · 26/11/2019 14:53

Hi,

I’ve just started seeing a primary school teacher. It was him that instigated getting chatting and the first date. He’s lovely and his job and commitment to it was initially one of the things that I was attracted to - a ‘people/caring’ job, with comparable pressures to mine.

However he is ALWAYS working - rearranged a couple of dates, often still working at 2AM.

I have subtly mentioned this a few times - to moy much effect, and then I came out with it, and asked if he thought he had time for a new relationship - he replied he did ‘at the weekends’.

He isn’t newly qualified, BUT has additional responsibility with in the school.

I don’t know whether I want to continue trying. Am I being awful?

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 26/11/2019 15:02

It's not always like that - there are the holidays when things calm down a bit.

You're not awful if you want a relationship with someone midweek too. If it's not working for you, it's not working for you and you're better off cutting your losses.

If you resent his working hours now, imagine it seven years down the line when you're married with two kids and he's doing even longer hours because he's senior management.

Original poster
FlorenceDayingale · 26/11/2019 15:44

Do I tell him that I’d like to see a bit more of him or just accept that it’s not going to happen?

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 26/11/2019 16:36

For teachers, going out on a school night is generally something that requires military planning. Don’t expect spontaneity.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 26/11/2019 16:46

One of my first posts here (under a preJoffrey name) was on a very similar situation. I was dating a secondary school Assistant Principal he was ALWAYS working, was required to answer work phone calls and emails straight away (so he said) as he had a work phone and would answer it whilst we were at dinner on dates. We rarely saw each other although that sort of worked for me at the time with childcare issues. However the final, straw was the fact I was Always the first to text when I brought this up he said he did want to be together but was just busy. In the end I stopped texting first and he never texted me back.

I now work as a secondary school teacher, and yes I'm busy and tired by the end of the week but I still make time for Dd as other teachers do with their DC so there is no excuse why your date couldn't make time for you but agree some week nights are busy with marking etc but there are plenty of holidays when time is more free.

Original poster
FlorenceDayingale · 26/11/2019 19:27

Such a shame as he is lovely but I think I’m going to call it a day.
Thanks ladies x

OP posts:
cabbageking · 26/11/2019 19:43

Pretty much the norm depending on where the school is at, what responsibilities you have, any deadlines you are working to, any funding or awards you are applying for, maternity leave of others and if everyone is pulling their weight around responsibilities. Depends how much paperwork the L.A lose, changes in their systems and any training or pastoral support is needed. The run up to Christmas is one of the most hectic times besides Ofsted, SIAMs, and any surprises that pupils bring.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 26/11/2019 19:47

If you like him, and he's nice to be around and not a knob, then I think you're being a bit mean. Surely you can see him at the weekends for a while, and see how things go? DP and I hardly speak on weeknight evenings when I'm working - I certainly wouldn't be able to go out on dates midweek.

Letseatgrandma · 26/11/2019 19:49

I very rarely do anything ‘social’ if I have to work (teacher) the next day as I’m usually marking/planning or just in bed.

I’d already met and moved in with DH when I started teaching so we are usually just at home week nights (he does go out to be fair). I can’t imagine it would be much fun to date me though Grin. Friday and Saturday nights are ok though!

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 26/11/2019 20:06

I’m too knackered on a teaching night to do anything.

BUT l think every teacher could work until 2:00 am if l’m honest. The job never ends.

But it’s how you deal with this that’s important. So if you choose to work until that time, I’d say you’re over invested/ obsessed and are doing stuff that might not be essentisl

Original poster
FlorenceDayingale · 26/11/2019 20:14

@RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie
I do really like him and he isn’t a knob, and just the weekends to begin with would be fine - although I often hear nothing from him at all of an evening - just the occasional text. I am quite sure it is just genuinely work and he has been single for a while but is the job really that all consuming that you can’t send a few quick texts?!
I work some weekends also so I suppose that makes things a little bit trickier, and my last relationship we lived together so I’m very used to regular contact.

He seems keen and attentive when we are together or when I do hear from him, and I do want to keep seeing him, just my little sensible head has doubts!

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 26/11/2019 20:24

Don't call it a day yet. How long have you been seeing him? Perhaps it's not just about how much work he's doing but also he's not as used to every day contact in a relationship as you are. If you continue to like/see each other, you'll both have to be ready to be a bit more flexible, I guess.

saraclara · 26/11/2019 20:28

Say the same to him as I say to my daughter, who works from the moment she gets home from school until bedtime.

The job doesn't need ALL that time. Your colleagues who are parent of young children get the job done even though they have to devote a large chunk of their evening to parenting. That amount of time is what you, as a single person, can devote to something that makes you mentally healthier, physically fitter, or happier.

Original poster
FlorenceDayingale · 26/11/2019 20:29

Only about a month, so not long at all.
I want to give it more of a chance but just not sure how I can go about that in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlorenceDayingale · 26/11/2019 20:29

@saraclara - but does that sound too overbearing for a new relationship?!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 26/11/2019 20:30

It would be possible to work until 4am if boundaries aren't put in place, but they have to come from the teacher themselves.

It may do him some good to rethink his work life balance, because whilst spontaneous nights out on a school nights is highly unlikely, it's not the norm or healthy to exist in a school bubble for your waking hours all weekdays.

On the texts front, I think that depends on how driven you are by texts and regular contact. I never text DH during the working day when I'm at school unless it's a practical issue. Other colleagues spend half their lunch catching up on social media and texts.

saraclara · 26/11/2019 20:48

@FlorenceDayingale sorry - yes, you wouldn't necessarily say it the way I did to my daughter. But it might be an interesting question to ask him, if you discuss his working hours.
"Some of your colleagues must have children. How do they get the job done when they can't spend the amount of time you do every evening?"

Original poster
FlorenceDayingale · 08/12/2019 18:17

So that worked out well - he binned me off for being too attention seeking!

OP posts:
Windygate · 08/12/2019 19:00

Ouch! I bet you wish you'd followed your gut and binned him.

lilgreen · 08/12/2019 19:03

If he is really nice I would give it until after the Christmas hols when he’ll have more time. Many jobs mean late nights or commutes in the week.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/12/2019 19:04

Married to a teacher for 15 years.

Not once been out on a 'school night'.

lilgreen · 08/12/2019 19:05

Oh I’ve seen your update. Oh well, hopefully you’ll find someone who has no evening commitments soon.

RuthW · 08/12/2019 19:08

My dd is in her first teaching job. Yes she is always working. Hardly sees her boyfriend but eases of during the holidays.

Original poster
FlorenceDayingale · 13/12/2019 11:12

I feel awful now, honestly had no idea that teaching required such work!

OP posts:
Procrastination4 · 14/12/2019 12:19

It shouldn’t. The more teachers take on, the longer they spend in school, the more it’s expected and becomes the norm. Teaching is just a job, like every other job. We were visiting a school in London three years ago (we’re twinned with them) and on a Friday afternoon, two of the teachers were going back into school to do their planning (we’d been at an event with them earlier). The principal laughingly said “oh the girls are heading back in...I’m always telling them there’s no need to be here until 6pm but it no use! Such rubbish! The teachers later confided that it was expected that they would be in early in the morning and leave a couple of hours at least after the children. We looked at their classrooms-beautiful displays (but SO unnecessary and SO time consuming) and their marking -all those ridiculous coloured pens!-and thanked our lucky stars that we were teaching in a country that still has some notion of a sane attitude to the life/work balance of its teachers (without compromising educational standards)

northernknickers · 28/12/2019 15:29

@Procrastination4 out of interest (and for the sake of my sanity as I'm currently looking for a new job!!!!!) what country do you teach in?