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Don't know if I can face Monday.

16 replies

itonlygetsbetter · 10/10/2015 16:50

I feel completely rubbish - I am completely useless.
Had a difficult week last week and just don't know if I can continue.The week ended with me crying in my room and I spent most of yesterday evening crying. I have been excluded from a couple of things this week which has made me feel so awful and has made me realise that in spite of my best efforts I am most definitely not a valued member of the staff/team. My HOD has been absolutely horrible and the final straw was an unpleasant email from a parent - just when I thought things could not get any worse. I have plummeted rapidly to the point where I am having thoughts of self harming to avoid the situation. I have suffered badly from depression in the past and I don't know if I am having some sort of depressive episode and so can't think clearly or if I really am as terrible and useless at my job as everybody thinks. My husband keeps asking me to tell him what has happened but I can't talk about it because I am so embarrassed about being such a failure and so obviously disliked. Don't know what to do - not expecting any solutions really but had to off load somewhere.

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Katytatiepot · 15/10/2015 17:33

I could have written this post! Going through a very similar thing at the moment so can very confidently say you are not alone! Seriously the best thing you can do is tell someone - a colleague, family member, friend or gp.

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EarlyNewDawn · 12/10/2015 21:59

I think the profession causes the illness.

You are never good enough. Your results are never good enough. You can never do enough. If you admit a 'weakness' it's jumped upon and you are scrutinised to death. You get expensive and they don't want to pay you. Did I say nothing is ever good enough?

How can you perform at your best? Yet you can't afford not to.

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futureme · 12/10/2015 20:44

Is it that teacher with a predisposition to depression and/or chronic fatigue and/or burnout are attracted to the profession or is it the profession that causes the ill health....

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futureme · 12/10/2015 20:43

When I saw a counsellor a billion years ago she mentioned how many teachers she got through... it really isnt uncommon. FOr some reason within the job it is so hard to stop and take time off or admit any form of weakness which then compounds the problem - on top of then having to perform each day...

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spanky2 · 12/10/2015 20:28

When I was a teacher I used to hope to have a small car crash on the way to work so I wouldn't have to go in. I did do supply for a while, but I'm now going to retrain in another job. You may have depression. I don't know many teachers who haven't had depression. I have depression. No matter how much you give they still expect more.

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ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 12/10/2015 20:24

How are you doing OP? Did you go in? Or see a GP?

Hugs Thanks

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EarlyNewDawn · 11/10/2015 22:20

Another 'you are not alone'.

Unfirtunately for me, it's the head who's causing me to be ill.

No advice, just want you to know you are not alone

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lurkinginthenorth · 11/10/2015 20:26

itonlygetsbetter - I came on here to post my own thread but saw yours and I had to read.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

This time last year, I went through something similar with my HT. In fact, I was contemplating going sick for a fortnight and eventually I did. I had 13 weeks sick leave.

You need to walkaway from this, at least for you to feel well again, however long it takes. You are obviously at rock bottom. Why do it to yourself? What good will come from going into work tomorrow and feeling the way you do? Nobody is thanking you for struggling so you have 'nothing to lose'.

Phone in sick. Explain you don't know when you will return and visit your GP ASAP. x

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toomuchicecream · 11/10/2015 17:56

What about contacting these people: teachersupport.info/

Their website says "At Teacher Support Network we believe that no teacher should have to cope with emotional strain alone, which is why we're always here to listen. Our dedicated helpline, the only one of its kind, is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week"

Sounds like they might be a good starting point. I'm quite shocked at the number of posts like yours I'm reading at the moment (on several different websites). What's going on with the teaching profession?

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itonlygetsbetter · 11/10/2015 16:27

GinandJag - thank you. Your message is so kind it has made me cry - in a good way - and I suddenly don't feel quite so alone.
I have been thinking about whether I could talk to anybody at work - but I honestly do not know if there is anyone there that I could truly trust.
I do need to talk to someone and I have been investigating Talking Therapies in my area. It looks as if I can self refer or be referred by GP - don't know what waiting time would be. GP might be able to recommend someone privately. I feel that I need to get it under control before it manifests into a major episode.

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GinandJag · 11/10/2015 15:54

I think it is really sad that you are trying to hide your difficulties from the only people that can help you out of them. This is not your fault - it is our culture, and our attitude to perceived weakness and/or mh issues.

Is there anyone in your workplace who can mentor you on the quiet?

I know you somehow need to see your way to half-term and then regroup. If you can get signed off for a few days, you might find the resources for the last week.

If you need to talk to someone neutral, I am sure that any teacher on Mumsnet would be willing to be that listening ear. We are all here for you, and for the grace of God, etc.

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itonlygetsbetter · 11/10/2015 15:28

Possibly been building for a few weeks - some anxiety, easily upset, irritable, starting to isolate myself.
I haven't been accused of anything in particular - just this constant feeling that my work is somehow lacking and not good enough no matter how hard I try/work.
I had a panic attack in the early hours and have decided to see a doctor in the morning. I don't know what to say to work since do not want them to know the real reason I am going to the doctors.
I also don't know whether to tell my family or to just pretend I am going to work.

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Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 10/10/2015 17:36

Are you in a high school? Can you say what the issues are? I take it you feel you are being blamed for some thing thats not true? Was there an incident? Has this been just this week or building up? What support is in place for you?

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laughingatweather · 10/10/2015 17:29

It doesn't matter. I don't mean to sound harsh but if you're 'triggered' by being excluded from a few things, a bad interaction with HOD and an e - mail from a parent then you're not robust enough to be working right now.

No-one should be crying at work and at home and feeling unable to speak to their partner about it.

It sounds like you're either not well enough to work now or not robust enough to do the job in the longer - term.

It's not about you being pathetic - it's about your MH not being strong enough to work right now.

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itonlygetsbetter · 10/10/2015 17:08

I know, I know - but I do think that the events this week have been triggering if that makes sense.
I have managed to stay well for about 4 years now and it is so hard for me to face that I am returning to that hell again. If I wasn't so useless there wouldn't be any need to feel this bad. I am also imagining losing my job and home.

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laughingatweather · 10/10/2015 16:56

To be completely honest, if you're thinking about self - harming this is probably less of an issue to do with whatever school you work in and more about your general mental health.

So I would see your GP first.

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