Meeting an ex-pupil for lunch in a pub

[partialderivative]

He's a lovely bloke, far more responsible than I was at his age.

I have told him that we would buy him lunch, and I have agreed to meet him beforehand in a pub for a pint or two.

How much booze is reasonable to drink in these circumstances.

(I taught him last year in an International School in the Middle East.)

[YouAreMyRain]

The posters on here are not over suspicious, the system is.

All staff where I work have been made fully aware that socialising/fb befriending etc of ex pupils is seriously frowned upon, can be interpreted as attempted grooming and could lead to dismissal.

That is the current culture in state education in the UK.

Any other behaviour is seen as professionally risky.

That is why people are telling the OP what they are telling him. He doesn't want to know and only posted on here to boast about how fabulous he is because ex pupils want to socialise with him, under the pretence of asking how many beers to drink (?!)

When I was a student (esp sixth form) it was very different. We stayed in touch with teachers, we went to parties with them, went to the pub with them, got pissed with them and that was the culture back then.

It made us feel grown up and special that real adults were interested in our opinions.

It also lead to two of my close friends having sexual relationships with teachers. At the time they thought they were terribly mature and cool. Now we can all see that the staff in question exploited their position of power and the relationships were imbalanced and very inappropriate.

Most staff would be able to control themselves. Some can't. The guidelines are there to protect students and innocent staff.

It is sad, I would love to keep in touch with some students but I want to keep my career more.

[peacoat]

KingThistle there were two - one girl in Starbucks and a fella in a pub.

I can't believe the responses the OP has had. I'm friends with ex-students and also ex-teachers of mine.

[unrealhousewife]

Kingthistle I don't think OP is that bothered about their gender, just that they drink a lot. I think it's a bit sad really. Does he want to relive his own student days I wonder?

[Pregnantberry]

People are being daft OP, I think it's nice that some of your students want to keep in touch with you. I kind of wish I had done this with one or two of my teachers, but it never occurred to me/I would have assumed that they wouldn't have been interested at the time.

If you were the fit 22 year old PE teacher and all of the students getting in touch were girls, then that would have been a different matter.

[IHeartKingThistle]

Has nobody else noticed that the 'ex-pupil' has repeatedly switched gender over the course of this thread? Am I going mad?

[partialderivative]

We had a pint each before hand, then he drank tap water at the restaurant! I had a posh cocktail and really wanted him to relax and indulge in the drinks menu. Alcoholic or not.

No problem, we agreed to meet again next year. Hopefully with another ex-student from our school who will be in the Uni.

[wooldonor]

Good to hear you had a nice lunch but you haven't told us how many drinks you had

[partialderivative]

We had a lovely lunch with this lad, and were able to update each other in terms of quite a bit of gossip.

We will probably meet again this time next year.

Of course I still haven't properly answered the question 'why start the thread' I think I was initially delighted that he had agreed to a meet up and time/place and probably wanted to share my pride. I wanted to hear about good meets other teachers had had with ex-pupils in pubs.

Obviously that message wasn't communicated in my OP. And I am really sorry for how defensive and abusive I was.

[ChocolateWombat]

Yes, but Op, we don't know you. You could be a gorgeous bloke that teenage girls fall madly in love with.
On this forum, people can only offer general advice, based on their own experience and the limited info we have about you. And generally that advice is that teachers should be careful about meeting up alone with young girls who are ex pupils, for all the reasons mentioned upthread.
You can do what you want. However, people have given up their time to offer advice, which you asked for. Even if you don't think it applies to your situation, you could recognise the validity of some of it.

[partialderivative]

There is no way anyone could develop a crush on me, the very notion is hilarious.

I have kept in contact with pupils from more than a decade ago.

[Cardinal]

Go for it mate. I maintained genuine friendships with about 4 of my teachers through my twenties.

Nothing strange about it, two adults getting along, over a drink or a curry.

[ChocolateWombat]

I asked up thread if you had been in an international boarding school and said that House Staff often have a more informal relationship with pupils than teaching staff in day schools. That is all fine, as is meeting up with an ex pupil in an appropriate way.
The lunch sounds fine. It was very public and in a cafe. If this the meeting that your whole family were at, I think the fact it was a solitary girl, was also fine.
I hold to the view that if you were planning to meet this young girl alone, you would need to be careful and it might not be wise, especially in an evening. You may have no untoward plans, but you do not know for sure if she has some kind of crush on you, and the issue of how it might be perceived by parents/staff of the school is a real issue.
It is sad, but teachers do end up with problems on a yearly basis, because they have been accused of inappropriate behaviour. Protecting yourself,mis one of the things trainee teachers are taught. This involves not being in rooms with the door closed, if alone with a pupil and not meeting them out of school. I appreciate this girl had left, but I think people are just concerned that you leave yourself open to potential problems. Teachers on here are surprised OP that you seem oblivious to these issues, although the fact you did post, suggests perhaps you are not so oblivious, but want to be provocative.

In the end, there is no blanket rule. The longer the time that has lapsed since they left school, the more public the place, the more daylight, and particularly if others are involved in the meet up, make this acceptable. Once some of these start to go awry, I think you need to tread carefully. An ex pupil will understand if you say you prefer a daytime meet up, a cafe instead of a pub, a groupninsteadnof 121.

[EvilTwins]

I'm astounded at the hysteria on this thread. What a shame that people feel like that. There is nothing wrong with students understanding that teachers are human beings, and I think the fact that students want to stay in touch suggests that a teacher has done a decent job.

[welshnat]

I've only read the first page but I'm going to go against the grain and say that I have had a catch up with an past teacher of mine. I was 23 and it was in a pub/restaurant. He didn't drink but I had a glass of wine with food. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all and he actually got to meet my son when my ex came to pick me up.

[AnyFucker]

These things are sent to try us.

[partialderivative]

Indeed AF, I'll just have to resist the urge to throw bar stools around the bar and vomit on the pub dog in a couple of days time.

Fingers crossed.

[AnyFucker]

There you go then

Storm in a Starbucks coffee cup.

[partialderivative]

Well, that's the first part of my 'professional suicide' over with. I just spent a lovely two hours in Starbucks with a really intelligent girl talking about her life as a uni student in the US.

No cake was consumed, though I will have to remember never to buy the cheese crouissant (sp?) again.

I have a feeling that my experiences as a teacher in an international school and its surrounding community are somewhat different to those of a state school teacher in the UK (to whom I doff my cap unreservedly, been there, done that, chickened out)

[FantasticButtocks]

Not sure why you are addressing that comment to me, OP

[AnyFucker]

Respondents haven't "assumed" anything. Any questions about the issue were raised by the OP, because if he was very comfortable about this course of action he wouldn't be here, engaging (unsuccessfully) with a bunch of strangers who don't even know him or the ex pupil concerned

OP, if there is no cause for consternation...why are you here ? I am not accusing you of anything and my dirty mind is not working overtime...but seriously, why did you post here ?

[wooldonor]

Wow, this has moved on since I posted yesterday.

I'm still not entirely sure why you're asking about the drinking, is there a faux pas you are trying to avoid.

A man of your age and experience surely must have been in lunchtime situations as which alcohol was served, how is it that you don't know your limits?

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

*meeting

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

It's a sad, sad day when teachers cannot consider meeing up for a drink with ex students.

It's shocking the assumptions people have jumped to.

[startwig1982]

Surely that was obvious from your username? (I teach maths too)

[partialderivative]

Trainersandaches Actually I teach maths, do you want to test me on my calculus?