We are at a total loss, scared he will kill her.

[sebsmummy1]

My two year old son is terrorising the cat on a daily basis. In front of me, away from me, it doesn't matter where we are really as he doesn't understand what he is doing is wrong.

He has speech delay so I can't explain what he is doing is cruel, although I obviously say that to him ( I know they can't feel empathy at a young age). But he gets told off every time I see him be unkind and he will get a Time Out in his room, I will shout and generally act extremely cross, he cries etc etc. but there is no comprehension that the behaviour isn't to be repeated as he will do exactly the same thing moments later.

He gets praised for 'being kind'. We do brushing and stroking, he kisses her, but then 5 minutes later he will hold her off the ground by her throat or throttle her whilst sitting on her

She is a rescue cat and we've had her just under a year. She is the most passive creature I have ever known. She will not retaliate, she doesn't hide, she just takes it from him. We have stairgates so she can get away, a cat flap that she has constant access to, but she chooses to put herself in his path constantly. I find myself trying to keep them separate and then minutes later she has jumped the stair gate, cried (she is very vocal) so of course he knows where she is, and it all starts all over again.

Do you think the kindest thing would be to rehome her? She is the kindest cat that ever was and I'm so scared he will break her neck one day and that will be that basically

[sebsmummy1]

• enough upset

[sebsmummy1]

Sugarplum that was a lovely post and thank you so much for writing it.

We have always had animals, cats and dogs primarily but I worked with horses most of my life and have looked after sheep, hand reared lambs, chickens, ducks, kept fancy rats etc etc.

When I moved out we were in rented properties that wouldn't allow animals, we now have our own home so we decided a pet would be nice as DS is an only (I'm part of the recurrent miscarriage thread - have has the year from hell). I had this stupid romantic idea that an adult cat would be a friend for him as I remember I treated my cats like my best buddies when I was growing up. I knew he could hurt a kitten so purposefully went on the lookout for a large adult cat that needed a new home (we have a beautiful big garden down a quiet cul-de-sac with few local cats) I'm a SAHM so am around a lot, the whole thing seemed like a fabulous idea. Little did I know I have taken ownership of a big silly gentle giant of a cat that loved being fussed even if it's brutal!! When DS goes over to Mum's house her cats just keep out the way, no problem, but my cat has no sense.

Anyway I'm still going strong today, all is good. She has been petted through the stairgate and is now upstairs asleep on the bed in the sun and we are downstairs. She will probably stay there until this evening and DS will only go up later to have a nap, so she is very happy indeed. I know they will be the best of friends in the future we just have to manage this period right now and I'm determined to make this work. She has had another upset in her short life, I want her to have a permanent home with us.

[maplebaconchips]

Please rehome her, even the kindest animal can snap and lash out under such circumstances, and for her sake too.

[MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched]

Thanks for the update OP. I'm glad you've got control of the situation. Hopefully your DS will quickly learn from the clear the message you are now giving him.

[lottieandmias]

I think you should rehome her - this could traumatise her and it's not fair on her ultimately.

[sugarplumfairy28]

I think the easy answer would be to rehome her yes, but I think that's been said enough. I'm not sure what your reason is behind having a cat, for me I have a total obsession with animals fullstop. I studied for a degree in Animal Management and always planned to have children and animals in my life. A life without pets is a somewhat empty one for me. We had a similar situation with DD.

My dogs are older than my children and they have had to learn how to treat them, luckily one dog puts up with anything, and the other will hide (even if he sees his own shadow) if he doesn't like something. We started our cat collection when DS was 10 months old. Basically from the very start I made it clear that he wasn't allowed near the kittens without me, I would sit with them and encourage him to stroke them etc, there was basically a 2 metre ish rule, he wasn't allowed to get closer without me, if he wouldn't listen I would remove the kittens.

DS was 3 and a bit when we had DD born and 3 and 5 and a half weeks after she was born, we had 10 kittens born. (We kept 3) We worked off the same basis, but she did seem to have much more of a connection to one kitten especially. He would seek her out, put himself between her and anyone else, wrap himself around her to sleep, and it was a bit more difficult because of this mutual interest. When she was about 1 -18 months, she would pull him about, try and carry him round by his neck, sit on him, squash him etc We had to go right back to basics, not in the room together alone, had to take him away somewhere else, it was as much training him as it was her. She is 4 tomorrow, and my little cat lady.

If having a cat is really important to you, strip it back to basics, if you're not watching them separate them, the cats now out of habit join me in the loo. Don't react to bad behavior, but sure him how rewarding good behavior is. Good luck x

[cozietoesie]

Good luck then.

[sebsmummy1]

Thanks all. We had a great day yesterday

To whoever said up-thread that I should make the cat off limits was a bloody genius. I honestly don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. I was so busy namby pambyibg about trying to get him to be gentle and kind that I couldn't see the wood for the trees. The cat is now totally off limits to him. If he is downstairs I pop her upstairs. If she is downstairs with us then I put her the other side of the stair gate or outside and they talk through the stairgate. If they are in close proximity then I say don't touch and my son leaves her alone as he understands that!! I'm so pleased. Plus as the weather is getting nicer she is going out more and after Easter break he will be back at preschool and crèche each day.

If the situation deteriorates again I will obviously take my Mum up on her offer (she has two cats already so careful integration will need to be done hence why I haven't jumped into that).

Thanks again everyone xx

[BertieBotts]

Sounds like a good solution for all.

[AnulTheMagnificent]

I agree, it would be better for your Mum to take her, it isn't fair to shut her out to keep her safe, it isn't always safe outdoors and she might wander off/get stolen or worse if you put her outside under those circumstances.

She really isn't having a very good life.

[girliefriend]

If your mum is happy to have her then I would do that, it is not worth the stress and not fair on you, your son or the poor cat to continue with how it is at the moment.

My dd was 4yo when we got our first cat and that was stressful, I had to keep a constant eye on them and felt like all I did was tell her off for the first few months. It got better once the cat got older and he would stick up for himself if needed, dd got the message that poking the cat resulted in being told off and scratched so got a lot better!!

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

I agree with Cozie, if your Mum will take her then surely it would be better if she had her now. With the best will in the world your son could still get to her and hurt her.

One thing, if your Mum is going to have her what will there be a problem when you and your son visit her?

[MrsFlannel]

We had to rehome our rescue cat because he was just terrified of the children. He wasn't on initial visits but when he'd moved in he hated the children playing and spent a lot of his time hiding. We left it for months waiting for him to settle but he didn't. He lives with a retired couple now and is very happy. We kept his brother who was much less scared....you must rehome.

[cozietoesie]

If your Mum will take her, I think it might be as well for her to take her now, I'm afraid. Didn't you say that the cat will actively seek DS/company out?

[RandomMess]

Seriously I wouldn't let your ds interact physically with the cat at all for several months. That may be enough to break the habit.

[sebsmummy1]

Pmsl AuntieDee - today I have considered that option!

Ok I have reinstated the stair gate at the bottom of the stairs and blocked off a gap in the banister that DS's was squeezing through so she has safe haven upstairs when we are downstairs and vise versa. She is currently spread eagled under the radiator in the main bedroom.

I have decided to take the cat away from DS when I can see he is getting persistent with her. I shall either put her out and lock the cat flap until we leave to go out or put her upstairs and shut the gate where she will be out of harms way. If none of this works then my Mum is going to have her and we will hopefully get her back when DS is older.

Thanks for allowing me to vent and the offers of help. I'm in the South East btw.

Thanks again.

[VeryVeryDarkGrey]

Whoops posted too quickly if he has got SEN then it makes it more likely he will take longer to learn not to be cruel to the cat...in the meantime the cat could end up dead or hurt.

Can someone look after the cat for a while OP so you can reassess in a few months?

[VeryVeryDarkGrey]

What difference would it make to the cat if he has got SEN?

[Fluffycloudland77]

He's a child, op has said he might have Sen and while some 2yo are wonderful with animals others aren't.

Why should children know better than adults?.

[VeryVeryDarkGrey]

You need to rehome the cat for her own safety. If hes throttling her he could easily kill her

[MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched]

If shouting at him and talking to him isn't giving him the message, then you could try an approach often recommended for coping with sibling rivalry.

Basically, the assumption is that your DS gets a huge amount of attention when he hurts the cat. Okay, the attention is entirely negative but some children crave attention even if the attention is negative.
So, instead of focusing all your attention on your DS, try ignoring him and giving all your attention to the cat, picking up the cat, giving her a cuddle, talking to her and reassuring her and gently removing her from danger. If your DS is nice to the cat, then praise him to the hilt (although it may be safer to encourage a message that he is not to touch the cat at all, just like you teach him not to touch the oven).
He should quickly realise that he only gets your attention, when he behaves appropriately.

Of course, it depends on how much you and the cat can tolerate while trying to teach him, and how quick a learner he is.

[championnibbler]

Please re-home this poor cat.
the poor little thing must be miserable as it is.

[thecatneuterer]

If she's a rescue cat then she needs to go back to the rescue she came from. Most I think say that any cat should be returned to them if things don't work out.

[RandomMess]

I wouldn't be encouraging him to touch her etc. I'd make the cat completely off limits otherwise it's too confusing for him. I really would rehome though.