Heartbroken, we lost our little boy

[Phoenix76]

This is the first thread I have started, and how I wish it wasn't. I am devasted typing this. The love of my love has gone. He was the most beautiful, loving creature I have ever known and he loved being alive. He fought so many battles but lost his last and I can't cope. The whole family are devastated and, the way I feel right now I don't want to be in a world where he isn't here. He loved everyone. 5 years ago he was diagnosed with renal failure and I know I was so lucky to have him those extra years, but it wasn't enough, I miss him so much it physically hurts and I can't stop crying. I just don't know how to get through the days without him. I don't even know why I'm posting I guess I just need someone to tell me it gets easier. Stupid time to post too as I have to go to bed, work and nursery run tomorrow but hoping for some comforting words for when I check in tomorrow night. Sorry for the drivel it just hurts so much. His name was Billy.

[SpringSnowdrop]

That is heartbreaking to have to get his ashes and so sorry your DP struggling so much too- Billy sounded just so close and really part of you. What a special description of him and on top of that when he shaped what you did and where you went you will need to give yourself so much time but i promise it won’t always be as bad as this and you learn a new way of life that does feel horribly empty but in my experience can slowly feel full of joy again but always with a big hole where Billy was.

I really appreciate the two people who still ask how it’s going for me and one friend turned up one evening just to be there. You never forget it as it’s enormous how bowled over and lost you can feel.

[Phoenix76]

springsnowdrop I really didn't think MN would be able to help half as much as you all have, I never foresaw me needing advice about anything like this, I thought we had years left with Billy. When you said "emptiness" that really strikes a chord, I'm still feeling like there is no point in anything (I know you're rightly going to say get to the doctor). It's just that our lives happily revolved around him, holidays, weekends, Christmas. We got his ashes back today and my poor dp is beside himself, he rarely cries yet since Billy went he's barely stopped. Billy really was a character such a loving dog always wanting cuddles and he would lick you to death. Maybe I've been lucky to get to my 40's and not feel pain like this before. Thank you for telling me it gets better, it gives me hope, it really does. I can't believe how much I love him. I'm really so very grateful to all you kind souls that have posted, it feels like we keeping the memories of all our beautiful creatures we've lost alive to others, makes sense in my head!

[SpringSnowdrop]

I agree, Mumsnet can be so helpful as in times of sadness, anxiety, confusion there is always someone somewhere who has had a similar experience and understands which is so important. I’m so glad friends on the school run have been understanding and that’s really heartening. And never let dark thoughts creep in , it must be so hard but just don’t let them get any hold and also do talk to the GP when can as that might be a really positive step.
Also do keep reporting back if it’s helpful as it can be so hard when each day has the same emptiness and those around you seem to be carrying on normally when it feels like your world has changed so much; I hated that and it really does very very slowly get better I promise

[Phoenix76]

wolfiefan thank you so much for your lovely words. I read the Rainbow poem years ago when it didn't apply to me and it was so beautiful but very emotional so I've been a coward and not been able to read it yet, but I will do. Having fellow dog lovers articulate how I'm feeling and being so understanding is really helping me.
springsnowdrop thank you so much, I'm getting through the days. I was dreading the school gates but the other parents have been wonderful, I feel lucky for that. It's the constant sick feeling and then the panic that I'm not going to see him again.
felicia. I haven't been to the doctor yet but it is definitely my intention to, thank you so much for thinking of me.
When I signed up to MN I honestly had no idea that such wonderful strangers would be here to offer me the most amazing support when I couldn't see a way forward and dark thoughts were taking over, having you all come here and share your experiences and advice and understanding has pulled me out from despair. I am so very grateful to you all x

[Feliciaxxx]

That Rainbow Bridge 'poem' always makes me cry - it's absolutely lovely.
Phoenix, how are you doing? Have you been to see the Doc?? Thinking of you xx

[SpringSnowdrop]

phoenix how are you today? I am still thinking of you

[Wolfiefan]

Of course you deserve support. You are not a fraud and you aren't greedy to wish you have more time.
Your grief reflects how much love you have for him. I am so sorry for your loss. They are never just a pet. They are family.
Have you heard of the rainbow bridge? It helped me.

[Phoenix76]

fleshmarketclose thank you we were blessed to have him in our lives, I'm being greedy wanting him forever. He saw me through so many difficult times, he was almost like a counsellor. I like the "run free" part, he did love a good run. You have all made me realise that I need some support so thank you, I felt I didn't deserve it.

[fleshmarketclose]

Oh I am so sorry for your loss, Billy sounds like a wonderful and very much loved dog and both your family and he were so lucky to have had each other. Please do see your GP and ask for some support with your grief. Be kind to yourself Run free Billy and know you were loved and will be missed xx

[Phoenix76]

annelind beautiful, thank you, you're so right x

[Phoenix76]

justaboy you made me smile, thank you, I think we did give him a good life, he literally did everything with us and was maybe spoiled too much but it never affected his personality, he gave more than he received.
catsarecruel I do remember my insurance having a grief line and thinking "let's hope I never need them" thank you it's reminded me!
Felicia you've hit the nail on the head! I've lost humans but this hurts so much more and I keep thinking I was weird and it wasn't normal but the truth is I loved him like a baby that never grew up, he was so so kind, and gentle and true maybe that's it, they're so bloody innocent and we yearn to protect them.
Honestly you lovely people, you're really helping me I can't thank you enough, my faith in humans is restored x

[Annelind]

You said "his name was Billy". No, his name IS Billy - he is still around, living in your heart and mind

[Feliciaxxx]

Go and see your doctor - they should understand that it is a bereavement and just as, if not more, painful as any other bereavement. The benefit of the antidepressants for me was that it allowed me to feel slightly removed from everything. Quite unusual for me but it meant that I could start to live my life again without bursting into tears in shops etc. I think we have a special connection with some animals and losing them is infinitely more painful than losing others - they just touch our soul in some way. I really feel for you xxx

[Catsarecruel]

I still struggle but please try blue cross or maybe your insurance? One of mine had a grief helpline. Nothing makes it better but being assured you are normal really helps x

[Justaboy]

Look on the bright side! i bet this little lad had a great time whilst he was alive:)

It will hurt - a mate of mine lost his dog to cancer last year and he swore that no other dog could ever replace him.

He was asked if he'd mind a dog whilst the elderly lady owner went into hospital and she was worse than thought and never came back to claim him poor dog.

However mate and dog are now the best of friends and he dotes on him like the dog who went before:-)

[Phoenix76]

Thank you catsarecruel, I guess that's the thing, not many people really get the grief around pet loss, maybe that was the case with the Samaritans. I just feel like a fraud, grieving so badly for my dog when people are losing human loved ones right now. Hearing all of your experiences have helped more than you could know, I feel like there is a light, albeit in the distance at the moment and everyone sharing your feelings that make sense to me has brought a great deal of relief, my tears have stopped for now, thank you all x

[Catsarecruel]

I did try the Samaritans at one point as I was in such a mess but didn't get so.eone I connected to. My doc was amazing and offered meds but we agreed it was grief and counselling or friends would be better. Sending huge hugs

[Phoenix76]

I just hope my doctor doesn't think it odd that I need help for pet loss grief, but I guess the alternative is worse.

[Phoenix76]

I actually thought about calling the Samaritans catsarecruel but it occurred to me that I can even fashion a sentence about him without being hysterical and not being about to get any words out, maybe one to consider when I'm more "stable" thank you x
springsnowdrop hearing that it's normal really helps thank you so much. My 4 dd is really struggling and keeps asking for him back, she cried so much she couldn't catch her breath at one point I'm trying to be strong for her but it's so hard. Her school her keeping an eye on her as I've told them. I really appreciate what you said, thank you.

[SpringSnowdrop]

I missed your latest post, yes do definitely see a doctor asap and that is really sensible and important. I don’t think he’d ever feel alone as a dog that loved just knows where they stand and that you’ll always love him as it sounds like everything you ever did showed that to him.

[Catsarecruel]

Our animals are our family and it is right to grieve so please don't let anyone sat otherwise

[SpringSnowdrop]

I concur that it is normal and I am so very sorry too- I feel your pain and your working holidays round him struck such a chord with me. It is absolutely grim getting used to something so hard. I hated the keeping going with ordinary things whilst in such grief as it’s all you can do and I think the only other thing that helps is others who understand. I do. (It’s been 7 months since I lost the pet who I will never get over and i still wake with nightmares and it still makes me sad every day and the children feel it too. Like you I wondered if it was normal but I think sometimes a bond is so special a bit of you is lost when you aren’t together.
Thinking of you, one stranger to another, and so wishing you didn’t have to bear this.

[Catsarecruel]

There are people you can talk to at blue cross - they listened loads to me and never made me feel stupid x

[Phoenix76]

catsarecruel three times, I'm so sorry. Thank you for taking the time to re-assure me, I'm so grateful, the break down bit I get, this is me right now, I keep thinking I want to join him as the thought of him being alone in the spirit world is unbearable, typing that scares me that yes I need a doctor x

[Phoenix76]

Oh felicia yours words make so much sense to me. I feel the same right now, and then I get angry with myself as I have a young family and they need me, but I need Billy more than he ever needed me. Why do we attach ourselves so much to pets, I've got tears streaming down my face as I can't face tomorrow, maybe I should go to the doctor you may be on to something there. I'm so sorry for your loss and the loss of all who have kindly posted x