Have we any other options but to ground him for a few weeks??

[supersec]

We've had problems with my son for the last year - truanting lessons, excluded for cannabis smoking, absolutely no work being done at school.

We came down tough on the cannabis use due to not giving him any or very limited money and it seems to have been working.

He is still constantly pushing the boundaries in other ways - he is 14 (15 in a couple of months) and is allowed out until 10.30 if he goes out on a Friday or Saturday night (11 at a push). He is constantly coming in later and later, he won't answer his phone and only texts with on bus, be home in twenty, be home in 10, be home in 5 etc when he has no intention of coming home. My husband has to usually go out and drag him off the street/house where he is.

It was 12.15 on Friday night and he still wasn't in. My husband had to practically bang down the door of his friend's house and drag him out. He had obviously smoked cannabis. He had £10 off me the day before for a day trip which never materialised and another £7 the night before. We thought we would give him a "break" as he had revised quite a bit during the half term holiday.

He also had new trainers the day before as well which I told him were a luxury, not a necessity, and took off him in light of his behaviour. He won't be getting these back in a hurry.

This is just going to get worse - my husband is getting so worked up every time my son goes out and we get all this crap off him he is going to have a heart attack or get arrested for doing something to him.

I feel we have absolutely no option but to ground him and give him no money until his GCSE exams are over. I know he will hit the roof over this and say there is no point in revising if he can't have anything, but it's got to be done.

It's not acceptable for a 14 year old to be wandering the streets so late at night. It's not even if he is anywhere specific. The problem is a lot of his friends have no boundaries and seem to be able to do what they like.

We want him to have a great life and enjoy himself. He knows he can have what he wants if he behaves but he always chooses the wrong thing to do.

[chocyorange]

are you sure he is off canabis, is it only canabis? sounds to me like he is still using, unfortunatly nothing else will seem important to them except there next spliff ...

[woopsidaisy]

Em,my sister was the NARKIEST bitch ever! Sorry sis,but you were,lol.

[woopsidaisy]

I have fab parents,DB and DSis.We all were crap teenagers.My sis was the darkest bitch ever,I went off the rails when I went to college,big time,my bro caused so much heartache....we are so close now it is unbelievable! I don't think my mum can believe it! All have jobs we love,but we were not a grade students.Please try to keep communication open,I think that we all knew how much our parents loved us,even through all the s$@t! Sounds like everything has gone "too far",too much said,too much aggression,anger and bad feeling.I know he is being a prat,but he is still only 14,you said yourself he is still so insecure about some things.Try family counseling,sit down and start talking,about love,family,how proud you are of him,cry,let him SEE how much you care....I think if kids know this,see this,even if they still go a bit arsey,and we all do that,he will eventually come "back" to you.And PLEASE don't push the grades too much.None of us were ever going to be mega studious,but we all have jobs we love,and very few people can say that.College is not for everyone.Big hug too,sounds like you need it!

[supersec]

His friends never ever come round. He has always been like this since the age of around 13 and I don't think he is going to start asking them round now.

Anyway things have gone from bad to worse in the last few days. He has truanted again this week and this is after telling him last time (2 weeks ago) if he did it again he would never see his phone or ipod again. We are going to have to stick to this and we definitely will. He will never get them back.

To make the situation more complicated he was with a group of boys who were smoking cannabis on school premises and they are debating whether to exclude them next week. I don't think they found him in possession of it so they are unsure what to do at the moment. I am waiting for a call.

He definitely won't be going anywhere for a few weeks even if we have to lock all his clothes away.

It is going to be tough.

The school want us to make an appointment with a parent support worker but I really don't think she can tell me anything new. I have looked for advice on here, phoned Parentline, Frank, bought books etc etc and we are doing all the right things.

The school tell me they have a lot worse than my son and to just ride it out and stick to our guns.

[Monty100]

Supersec - do his friends ever come round to yours?

[loungelizard]

Do you think he might have a girlfriend he sees at the other people's houses? Hence the attraction of going there all the time and the length of time he stays there.

I agree it is unacceptable to be out until midnight at 14. If, as you say, he wants to be dropped off but won't walk there by himself, isn't there an opportunity there to refuse to take him.

It is also uncacceptable to be truanting but the key I think is to get to the bottom of why he is behaving like this, before you can start to sort it out.

[Monty100]

Supersec - I suppose you have been round the block by now . I'm probably following you there. I've emailed his school yesterday asking for the Learning Support Officer to phone me.

If only they would realise as I would say to ds he is his 'own worst enemy.' It's such a shame about the concert. Mine had a day at a really cool skateboarding park cancelled for his birthday a few months back. Would you say to your ds that if his behaviour is impeccable for this week he could go?? That's what I'm going to try. 'If you do blah blah, you can have your laptop back' then maybe the next week the same thing 'and you can have your tv back' etc. He only got that tv at xmas and it's been on my bedroom floor more than it's been in his room.

The hard thing is Supersec is that it's probably hurting us more than it's hurting them. They say pick your battles, which ones eh?

[supersec]

We have tried focusing on what he can have Monty27. He was supposed to be going to a concert on Friday night which he was hoping he might be able to go to for months (it was with us in the end as none of his friends are going) but he has screwed this up for himself.

In fact I've lost track of the number of concerts he has not been able to go to because he has truanted or something else the week running up to it. He could go to every concert going if he wanted to.

So the carrott and stick approach doesn't seem to work.

After the behaviour we have had this weekend he can't be rewarded by being taken to a concert.

Like I said, I do pick my battles - his bedroom looks like a squat sometimes and he constantly leaving cups and plates everywhere but I let this pass.

[Monty100]

Supersec - I've been following this thread with interest and I can really sympathise with anyone who has a ds/dd like this.

I have a 14yo ds who, by half term had all privileges removed (for all sorts of stuff including not working at school, going out when he's not supposed to blah blah). Pocket money, tv, xbox, phone, laptop etc etc. had also been taken off him. He was than breaking grounding every day, and breaking free as soon as my back was turned. Oddly he did always come home by 9pm-ish though, thank goodness.

I am a lone parent. I also work full time but I had last week as holiday (which was completely ruined). I made ds stay at exh's (who I have to say, just to put you in the picture, is a complete waste of space) on Sunday night as I was at the end of my tether with him and needed some space for us both.

Last night I had a conversation with him about being loved etc and made an agreement with him that by revising for exams when he gets in from school he could go out for an hour or so when I get home (at 6pm). It was a change from the negative and round to the positive and he seemed to really brighten up and he was very pleasant and we apologised to each other (I'd really shouted at him the night before). So, my way for the moment is going to be what he CAN have and what he CAN do, and he can slowly earn back his privileges, rather than all the grounding and negative stuff that was having absolutely no impact whatsoever. Well, I'll try it and see.

Sorry for waffling I'm writing this fast as at work.

[supersec]

I really don't think he would run away as he has nowhere to go. He is not streetwise in the slightest. Unless he had alcohol/drugs he would not be coming home at gone midnight.
He won't even walk down the road to his friend's house at 7 o'clock on his own - he always prefers his dad to drop him off. He wouldn't even go into a clothes shop the other day without me.

If you drive around the street past 11 on a Friday or Saturday night you won't see many 14 year olds hanging around, except ones who are up to no good.

I've told him I want him to be out all the time having fun but if this involves breaking the law or putting himself in danger this is not on.

[supersec]

The way we see it, it is totally unacceptable to truant school and be out until gone midnight (either at his friend's house with no parent present) or on the streets, at the age of 14. I think he has to be grounded for doing this.

We tolerated it for a couple of months as we thought it's not the worst thing he can do but he is pushing it to later and later all the time and switching his phone off.

If we don't ground him for at least one or two weeks he won't bother coming home at all one night.

I find it really strange that he never ever wants to go out during the day, he only ever wants to go out after 7 pm at night. He doesn't go out on school nights but that will probably change during the holidays.

All his teachers say he is working at D level and he just doesn't care. He said to me last night he wasn't doing any revision, I replied fine, I will cancel your contract.

If I was a single parent I would not definitely not be able to cope. It is only because there are two of us who are full united that we are able to deal with him.

If we just forgot about our rules he would be on the downward spiral into drug addiction now.

We have a younger son who is 12 to think about also. His behaviour is rubbing off on the younger one. If he gets away with staying out until gone midnight and getting money to do the same the next week and the next week, the younger one will this this is normal.

[loungelizard]

I have (or had!) three teens, still have one, same age as yours. I feel very sorry for you. My teens at that age were ok but I have a very close friend whose teen was the same as yours (and is now at university and doing fine btw ).

For what it's worth and from that experience,I think you need to step back and see how your 'rules' are impacting on his behaviour. He is obviously being unreasonable, BUT everyone getting het up is making it worse.

I think you have to accept that he is how is he is at the moment (for whatever reason, but it is too late to change anything about that now) and so does your DH. Everyone needs to calm down a bit.

Unfortunately, at the stage he is now, enforcing 'grounding' etc just isn't going to work. What will work is trying to get on with him a bit better. Try not to get furious, try to understand why he is doing what he is doing, try to make being at home and not going out all the time the 'normal' behaviour. If he has stopped smoking cannabis, that is great.

I think the only way forward is to keep trying to communicate with him and find out why he feels he has to behave this way. Eventually he will grow out of it. Sometimes boys are very physically mature but mentally very immature and it is a very bad combination.

In retrospect it is easy to be wise but it is very hard when you are going through it, I know.

He is not in his vital GCSE year yet, so he still has time to turn things round and if he doesn't, he has learnt a valuable lesson and these days at least he can re-take or whatever. He needs to know that doing well in GCSEs gives him a choice as much as anything else, but I am sure you have already told him that a million times.

As the other poster said, more than likely, this is Just A Phase and it will pass....

[supersec]

That's the way I see it - we are just unlucky to have a very rebellious testing teenager. I've learnt a few lessons in the last year. I always thought to have problems with your children there had to be problems in the family and that is certainly not the case here at all.

I certainly won't judge anyone in future whereas I may have done in the past.

[Fruitysunshine]

You have to maintain continuity. If you say something you have to stick to it and don't be afraid to try things that seem really harsh - sometimes those are the things that wake them up.

DS has regularly said/shouted things to us like "You don't love me!", "You don't care about me!", "You can't tell me what to do!", "You're a total cow!", "I hate this family!" - don't know if you recognise any of those things but it is merely frustration talking as they have nothing else to throw into the mix.

The only reason he has for behaving like this is being a teenager I am afraid. Some people get lucky and have fab, grounded teens and others of us have teens that make us pull our hair out! He is not abnormal - the Cannabis is obviously worrying for you but you think you have got a hold on that now which is good!

I know it seems like he is throwing away everything good in his life but sometimes they have to be left with nothing in order to appreciate what they did have at the beginning of it all. That is when the learning starts.

I threw my DS out one day when he was around 16. I had just had enough of his mouth and insults, aggression, holes in the doors, etc but he left and slept rough that night. He then tried to present himself homeless to the council saying I chucked him out (which I did) but all he had to do was follow the rules and then he could come back. I sat in that office in the council and made it clear to her that he was NOT homeless and there were far more deserving families who need accommodation - all DS had to do was behave himself!

He came home and settled down for a while. So it worked for a few months!

[supersec]

Thanks fruitysunshine. Your words give me hope (as does the book Get out of My Life by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks which was recommended to me by people on this site).

He was really in the grip of cannabis around January/February but we completely cut off his money supply so it seemed to have sorted it out but he has still definitely had it a few times in the last couple of months.

If he is still like this when he is 17/18 then I can't see how we can possibly have him in the house. We are just finding it so stressful. I can see that we will have to lock all doors and windows this weekend as he will have difficulty accepting he is now allowed out. He went mad at the weekend when I wouldn't give him back his new trainers to go out for an extended family birthday meal. He actually refused to go unless he got his trainers back.

I said he didn't need to go but he would have to leave the house and wait for us until we got back without a penny in his pocket. I was quite willing to leave him to starve in the back garden but my husband talked him round.

He could make life so easy for himself. I bought him a new t-shirt and trainers thinking this would give him a boost for the last month of the exams and this is how he reacts.

There is absolutely no underlying cause to his behaviour (apart from his girlfriend finishing with him a few months ago) but he was doing the truanting etc even before he starting going out with her. She was a lovely girl and he screwed it up.

[SlartyBartFast]

grounding is good though, and other punishments, it shows you care and are not washign your hands of him.

[Fruitysunshine]

supersec, I totally understand where you are coming from. Our DS(17) has dragged us through some painful experiences over the last 3 years including trouble with the police, Cannabis and general disrespect.

We are coming out the other side now though. He is 18 this month and is a lot more respectful and has completely cut out Cannabis. He is looking for a fulltime job after making the decision to leave college as he was not applying himself and knew he was not doing himself any favours.

I don't want any of my children to be unhappy. I don't want them to feel under pressure to do anything they don't want to in terms of career or family choices as that will only breed resentment in life.

I just want him to be happy and as much as DH and I have shouted, cried, grounded, removed mobiles, stopped money, locked him in the house, dragged him from houses and everything else that we have tried we have always firmly believed that it was a phase/stage/season and DS would get through it.

You can only keep going and doing what you already are. All the things above are just short term measures that help you manage the immediate situation and do not at all change the long term behaviour. That will happen as he grows older and gains more life experience and with your love, support and patience you will get him through this stage.

Try and keep your own emotions about his behaviour between yourselves and don't take them out on him. All that does is exacerbate the situation and create more tension between you and your son.

You both sound like wonderful, caring parents and your son will come out the other side and you won't recognise him from who he is today.

Good luck!

[SlartyBartFast]

and of course the truancy

[SlartyBartFast]

can the school offer any contacts, re the cannabis and discipline?

[eatyourveg]

family counselling? - its not just about him it is affecting the whole family dynamics. There has to be an underlying cause somewhere

[supersec]

He had his mobile and ipod taken him off during the last week of school as we found out he went in at 10.30 one day which meant he truanted a lesson "just because he felt like it".

We really thought the truanting/missing lessons was over and done with. His dad has said if it happens again his ipod and phone will be thrown into the fields at the back of us and never be seen again.

He pushes us to the limits and forces us to take extreme action all the time. This truanting has been going on on and off for nearly a year.

I really don't understand him - something compels him to do the wrong thing all the time.

[slug]

I'd be removing the mobile phone as well.

[supersec]

He is in year 10 and most are modules - although he has his Maths GCSE this week, a year early, if he doesn't reach his target he repeats it again next year. He has a lot of his resits for his science modules also. He has a heck of a lot of work to get through and isn't the slightest bit bothered.

We have to hover round him whilst he does his revision.