Has anyone out there not been hated by their teenagers?

[pandemonia]

This is just a cry from a very tired heart. Apparantly I am sick and disgusting and an object of hate and contempt for being angry that the 15 year old spent 24 hours + out this weekend (party/ sleepover/ football/ fA cup watching with friends/ time at girlfriends) and then informed me that he had no time to visit his grandmother today (lives a fair way off and thinks sun shines out of his backside) as he had to revise for GCSE exams next week. Informed me in no uncertain terms that he had planned his weekend and it was his choice and called me the above (audibly on mobile whilst complaining loudly about me to girlfriend).

Am I stupid to feel so hurt and crushed? Or to have tried to insist that he should come with me (he didn't) and to manage his time more reasonably? Or to suggest (and this is the "sick" part) that life isn't actually that much about choices (or usually only difficult ones).

[Rowlshar]

i am in the same position but mine is 17 coming 18. Everybody thinks he is lovely but to me, my child is a nightmare. he treats me like shit and speaks to me like he hates me and the same as you, i am totally broken hearted. For 8 years i was a single parent until i met my partner and his children - one in particular has been a very bad influence in which she hates me and is teaching him the same. it got to the point where i nearly split up with my partner because of it on more than one occasion and yet the other children are okay. ive tried reasoning with him, grounding him (he just runs out) and threw him out (knowing that he would go to my sister - who incidentally spoils him and eggs his behaviour on). i cant answer your question but just to let you know im on your side. im not a doormat and for many years, we had a really good relationship although i was strict. we dont see each other much now and as my only child, i cant tell you how it hurts.

[elmerelephant]

I too have removed bedroom doors, usually after other doors in the house have been repeatedly slammed. It works for my DS who reveres her privacy, sadly we have also had the "wish you were dead" speech. My only advice is to decide on what is important to you, and ignore all the rest, teenagers develop skills in you that you never knew you had, and despite everything they do love you, even if they have a funny way of showing it.

good luck

elmer

[ilove]

Sure is...he has three much younger siblings, he sure as hell isn't impressed that he has no door to close any more!

Took DH aback as well...he never thought I'd go through with it!

[pagwatch]

I am impressed ilove..determination and carpentry

It is odd the things that push their buttons isn't it.

[ilove]

LMAO...it was the latest "girlfriend" coming round that caused me to flip!

[usualsuspect]

Ds tends to clean his room if theres a girl coming round

[ilove]

No, it wasn't the main issue here...the main issue was the totally ignoring the main house rules, and nothing else had worked. It was threatened the last time we had a "discussion" and I don't threaten and then not carry it out...

My bloody hands are sore though and it was damn heavy!

[usualsuspect]

Well actually the state of ds's room is not really an issue for me...

[ilove]

That's the point...it isn't a pigsty now!

[usualsuspect]

Theres no way I would take my ds's door off..don't wanna look at that pigstye thanks

[Bonsoir]

I think that withdrawing services (food, clothes washing, lifts etc) is a complete non-starter when it comes to trying to get teenagers to respect you. They don't care all that much about those things and certainly don't respect people who provide basic housework.

You need to think about the areas where you really add value to their lives, and work on helping them understand the massive difference it will make to their long term prospects if you didn't provide that stuff.

[ilove]

I took my teenagers bedroom door off on Friday night at 11pm after yet another rule breach...and boy, has it worked!

[usualsuspect]

I don't view it as manipulating his emotions ..I view it as learning that your actions can cause distress and worry to other people ..he always rings if hes going to be late,has never said he hates me ...we argue sometimes but never hold grudges ..agreed theres no right or wrong way ..

[pagwatch]

OP you asked how I don't tolerate por behaviour. Lots of my answers would be other ones listed on here.
But I agree with custy thatthere is no right answer, amd also very much agree AnyFuckerthat sometimes the answer is more than one thing

The secret is that the consequnce has to be the one. It has to be the teenagers worst nightmare of a consequnce. And they have to know that you will do it.
For DS1 ( who actually hates dischord in the house and loathes being in trouble) it is his phone.
But you can'ttell a child ( for they still are children) to respect you or value you. And you can't resent the fact thatthey won't.
They ain'tthere yet often. DS1 is bright but he sometimes doesn't get the blazingly obvious.
For example. I would tell him until I wanted to weep with frustration that he needed to phone if he was heading home later than agreed time. Itold him it was because I would worry . I told him that it would lessen how I viewed his lateness. Nothing worked. I took away his phone for a week. He is like the speakingfricking clock now

But it varies with each child. And I would rather say 'sorry boy, you know the rules, hand over your phone' than have arguements and unspoken grievances.

I don't agree with you UsualSsuspect. I don't doubt that your strategy works with your DC but my DS1 has enough guilt about other stuff and I would rather take his stuff than manipulate his emotions.
Our children are all different. Taking DS's stuff away doesn't make him resentful. We agreed the sanctions - he knows the rules. If he doesn't want to lose his stuff he does what is expected of him so, if we take stuff away he usually just feel silly for havingfucked up and takes the hit.
There is no teenager manual . Sadly.

Goblin DS2 has very specific consequnces too !

[Goblinchild]

You need stamina and patience. I'd be surprised if linking unacceptable behaviour to a clear negative consequence for weeks made no impression at all. It's when you try something for a day or two and give in that it fails to register.
Emotional blackmail doesn't work in an Aspie household, doesn't register.
Neither does yelling and shouting. Logic does.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[AnyFucker]

I do that too

I go for the multi-pronged approach

[usualsuspect]

I go for the more guilt trip approach if he thinks hes really let me down or upset me ..he generally apologises and we move on

[AnyFucker]

US...what do you do, and is it generally successful ?

< always open to new ideas >

[usualsuspect]

I wouldn't take any thing away ..doesn't work imo ..just breeds resentment

[AnyFucker]

you obviously have not yet found his weak spot

sounds awful, but you have to find that one thing that really hits the spot

with my DD, it is her laptop

she strops, then pretends she doesn't care, tells me she hates me, am worst mother bla-de-bla

she always caves though, when faced with no Facebook and MSN

[basildonbond]

it's all very well people saying "well I just wouldn't put up with it" (i.e. my mum) but the problem is if I keep taking stuff away (and I do) we just get into a really negative spiral

ds is 13 and veers from being lovely and sweet and affectionate and funny to being a snide, sneering little sod = often almost in the same breath

he's constantly having stuff taken away and it doesn't improve his attitude one jot - so where do you go when you've taken everything and he still goes "so???"

[usualsuspect]

He sounds normal...sometimes they make you feel like shit,sometimes they make you burst with love and pride....pick your battles ,he will get better

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[frogs]

You're letting him treat you like shit, though, in addition to him treating the house like a hotel.

I can see where you're coming from in wanting to avoid the guilt-trip you had as a child, but it doesn't have to be like that. He doesn't have to be grateful for the fact that you give him a roof over his head and food to eat, but he does have to behave like a civilised member of the family. He doesn't have to agree with the decisions you make, but does have to not treat you like shit on his shoe.

Presumably in addition to basic food and shelter, you're also paying for his clothes, his phone topups, his music downloads and any other damn thing he wants? All that other stuff is discretionary -- make him earn it by being nice.

Going out is also a privilege rather than a right, though it may be a bit harder for you to claw back power if he's got used to being able to stay out for an entire weekend without so much as a by your leave. But you're presumably in charge of his access to money, so make it work for you. For behaviour like that it's not unreasonable for you to cut the supply at source.

My 15yo has never actually spoken to me like that, so I'm not entirely sure how I'd react. The most we tend to get is a bit of huffing and eye-rolling, but she is very clear that the general niceness of her life (clothing allowance, phone credits, lifts to friends, music downloads, tickets to T on the Beach) is in large part dependent on not pissing off her parents. I think talking to us in that tone is a long way off her radar, but if it did happen I suspect she'd be grounded for a mightily long time with no new clothes other than school uniform. No broadband access, no phone topups etc etc.

Is your ds's dad on the scene? What does he think about it?