Can someone help me cope better with my DS 's destructive/angry/agressive behaviour

[Faigle]

My DS is almost 12 years old and has a lot of "behavoural" problems.
I seem to experience the worst of it as I live alone with him (no siblings).
He is very intelligent in a purely academic/absract/rational way but completely emotionally immature-it's like he stopped developing emotionally at the age of 5 He has always had a terrible temper with lots of tantrums, but now his regular angry outursts are often physically and verbally abusive.
He reguarly screams/shouts and swears at me, and quite recently tried to atack me with a hoover attachment. The situation really got quite out of hand so I called the police. At this point he tried to jump off the balcony....in attempting to restrain him he accidently head butted me which caused me a massive nose bleed. By the time the police arrived he was all meek and mild. He was terrified of being sent away to SS for he night,which i had the option to request. But i chose not to, hoping that the shock of calling the polce would stop his violent outbursts.
Since then he has not physically attacked me, but he contiues to what I can only describe as "torment" me daily. If I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do/or something doesn't go the way he wants it he makes my life hell and is really cruel and nasty.
For example I said i would buy him a milkshake if he got up and got ready in the morning easily and with no bad atitude (mornings are generally hell). He managed it, so I bought him the milkshake. After that he asked to be taken out to lunch ((earlier in the week I said we could do that together) However, his behaviour has been generally bad this week so i didn't feel inclined to do it. When i told him this,just after he'd had the £4.00 milkshake with double toppings he went crazy demanding a good reason (the fact that he'd been badly behaved wasn't reason enough for him) and then was calling me loudly in the street a liar and demanding an apology from me for lying to him about going out to lunch.

He is very argumentative, always falling out with the few friends he has, and has had a very difficult start to Secodary school where he has eneded up in a special unit because he was very argumentative/challenging with the teachers-questioning their authority etc.

Apart from his "oppositional/arguementative" side, he is also very "anxious" in new social situations,acting in a very awkward way and seemingly unable to behave in a socially appropriate way for his age. I think his aggressivness is partly a way of coping with his social anxiety.
Anyway,I know he has lots of problems/struggles and life for himm is possibly emotionallly more complex than for other nearly 12 year olds,(he is btw having counselling hrough CAMHS)but the main reason for posting is to ask if there's anyone else on MN with a similar experience to this and if so how do you cope, because TBH I am not coping a all well at the moment-the situation has made me very depressed/anxious and lacking in confidence/self eteem both as a parent and person generally. I am waiting for counselling myself via GP but am desperate now. I can't take ADs-physically don't agree with me so am waking up at the moment every day feeling sick with dread at what the day with DS will bring.
On he other hand when he is calm/relaxed and happy he can be lovely and is very affectionate and tells me he loves me a lot. At those times I can forgive him everything!
But on the whole he is very hard to parent and it is totally affecting my mental health to the point where I feel there's very little joy in my life-I just wake uo and look forward to when I can go back to bed and forget it all for 8 hours.

I don't want sympathy, and certainly don't want anyone to tell me what a crap DS I seem o have(that would merely make me feel worse)I just want to hear from anyone who might be going through something similar to perhaps share some coping strategies/give some moral support because I just can't switch off from it all, it consumes my every wakng thought (the fact that the person I love so much is being so destruuctive and ruining his life and our relationship)and that because he is y son I can't abandon him but he is mentally detroying me and for my own mental health feel the need to get away from him.
sorry this is a long post. Please anyone who can help me please reply.
Thanks for reading.

[Faigle]

Because ds is my only child I have no one else to compare him too, therefore a huge part of me feels his behaviour is due to my (crap)parenting, which naturally leads me to feel huge guilt/shame/failure etc.

I deeply regret not having more Dc, if only so that I could say like you Cat, it can't be down to bad parenting because the other (s) are "average/normal".

[Faigle]

The thing you say about walking awayfrom an abusive partner, but not from someone you are
legally responsible really rang true, Cat

If anyone else treated me as badly as Ds does I'd have gone ages ago-but how can you abandon your own child?
I have seriously considered getting SS involved for both our sakes-but it would be a lose -lose situation-I'd feel so guilty and
such a total failure if it resorted to that, and because of his anxiety issues would probably screw him up even more than he is already.

[Faigle]

Hi Cat64, welcome to the thread.
My DS does have lovely moments too-but recently
they have been getting less and less frequent.Having said that he's just got back from a weekend by the sea with his dad and has been delightful (by his standards!)for example when asked to go and bath/wash hair before turning on the TV he did so after only one mild protest-normally just being asked to do that would cause a massive meltdown.
Maybe his dad has spoken to him over the weekend about how badly he treats me.
I dare say things will be back to awful normal tomorrow (if not before) but I am enjoying him being calm/pleasant and compliant at the moment and it has cheered me up and given me some much needed hope.

What I have noticed however is that if he is "well behaved" he can't seem to sustain it for vey long-MaryZ you mentioned something similar
about your ds, he can control his behaviour but not for very long.

[Faigle]

How do you personally deal with "feeling sick" most of the time maryz?

I just feel so drained by it, and demoralised too. It has affected every aspect of my life, I just can't seem too be able to concentrate on anything anymore, because I constantly have worrying/anxious thoghts about ds running through my head, which exhaust me.

I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like this-any tips for dealing with it on a day to day basis, you've had a few more years experience than me!

Do you belong to any support groups?

[Tortington]

had he got an intrest - or ask him to look around for something he can get his teeth into - my kids love jump biking and skateboarding - but it could equally be karate - or cooking or anything - something for him to focus on.

also i think too much time on computer.plastation.xbox type games can make kids angy IME

[Faigle]

Thanks for sharing your experience maryz.

Some people have suggested ds has Aspergers, but CAHMS are pretty adamant he doesn't and that his behavour is emotional based not neurological. Though some of the way he behaves can be similar to someone with Aspergers, his counsellor feels that it is contextual/emotional because he doesn't do it all the time or in all situaions-therefore he has some control over it-it is not just something neurologically different with the way his brain functions as would be the case with someone with Aspergers.

But Mental health is not an exact science, so who really knows what's what!

Anyway, the main thing is coping with him-which unfortunately I am not doing at all well at the moment.
I just can't stop feelng sick with worry about the whole situation-I just don't know how it will all end up for him/us.

At he moment the situation seems completely lost/futile and I can't see a happy ending at all.

[Faigle]

Thanks for replying maryZ- I look forward to reading your story when you get time to post

[optimisticmumma]

Oh, you know... when you can 'control' a child by a 'look'!!!
Enjoy BB and the wine.
take care....

[Faigle]

What's "deathstare"?

[Faigle]

He certainly is unique

Most days i wake him up wth a kiss and tell him i love him....even though I know more often than not he will shout at me for disturbing his dream.
I told him I loved him before he left with his dad this morning.

Anyway,I'm now going to watch the Big Brother evicton night and have a glass of red wine!

hanks for your lovely, caring posts OC.
Been really therapeutic talkng to you

[optimisticmumma]

I totally agree with you. Of course you shouldn't hit DS - it will just escalate.
maybe you should perfect the 'deathstare'!!!!

[Faigle]

Yes, EX backs me up RE: DS's violence and often has "pep" talks with him-but he has never actually witnessed it-DS wouldn't dare do it when EX is here.

EX thinks I should hit DS back though....but I disagree-2 wrongs don't make a right IMO

[optimisticmumma]

I think you should.
Try to 'deal' with yourself and then the rest will take its natural place imo.
You love DS. He is a unique person. Love what you can about him. When he is in 'calm and loving' mode try to bring up the other stuff. Most of all keep telling him you love him...

[Faigle]

I can see a lot of DS in EX-which worries me ecause Ex is a very angry/frustrtaed person-and I fear that DS will grow up to be the same.
Unlike Ex I'm depressed because of my situation- but am basically a happy person underneath-not angry at the world (at peace with who I am!)

DS probaly sees me as weak at the moment-and indeed I am-and somehow takes advantage of it-I know my state of mind means i can't deal with things effectively at present, but I'm so caught up in t I can't dis-engage.

BTW, a friend just phoned and left message -(have been avoiding answering the phone recently too)suggesting we do something tomorrow night- so will probaly take your advice and make the effort and go out