Teenage ds16 with social anxiety - anyone got any good advice?

[hollyandivyknickers]

so far ds has said he's social anxious. He was always a happy friendly out going kid so it's taken me by surprise. Says it's been the last few years.

My confusion:
He doesn't seem to have an interest in helping himself to fix it. I bought a book, hasn't read it. Loads of support at college, doesn't access it. Could get counselling via zoom, no interest. He completely stonewalls any attempts at conversation on the whole. He comes down for dinner and on holiday but otherwise is mainly in his room. Seems quite cheery though and attends college 99%.

For a job I basically get shit done. I want to support him but at the same time, I know I can't fix it for him.

SO I am kinda stuck. What do I do, if anything? I don't want to leave it and it gets worse! But at the same time....... I know I can't fix it.

Anyone a few years down the road and can look back to help ?

I think we need more detail, does he seem socially anxious to you? How is it impacting him? You say he's happy enough in his room and eats with you, isn't that most teenage boys? My son would happily game in his room all weekend but wouldnt describe himself as socially anxious.

Sounds like some selective mutism in there as well. They can shut down all channels of commmunication ( bitter experience)

Hes probably not not speaking to the counsellor to be awkward, but because his anxiety is so high. This can be broken down sometimes by written communication.

Is he ND?

Thanks ! so.

No doesn't seem socially anxious to me at all, but hasn't done anything new or really goes out much. Used to happily go to holiday clubs all the time. That all stopped with covid.

He says it stops him doing stuff. But I would never have guessed without him saying anything.

Yes, it's not as chatty as he used to be. But is OK after a drink (with us) or coffee.

I have tried texting him inside, or writing on a whiteboard. Nothing.

Yes ND runs in the family. Def dyslexic and family ADHD

Not good at sorting anything out for himself, he just goes without like instead of buying clothes. Wants a gaming PC but won't come to the bank to cash cheques. All shut down.

I think you need to look at this more. He may need speech therapy or even anti depressants.

My Dd is ND Audhd. She had social anxiety. ADHD meds have been really helpful.

well this is exactly it - but look at it more how? He is not engaging with me on this. Do I press it, do I arrange the therapy and tell him join. Do I set up family counselling with him and me?

I don't want to make it worse

Would he engage via text with you?

Would a cash bribe work? I don’t think he needs family therapy. But a psychiatrist could help.

Tried text. Hasn’t worked.

maybe I will try again saying that he has three options

Communicate by talking
communicate by text
if no communication I assume he is happy with how things are

I mean, I am a good mum. I am not on his case. He has a lovely life. He isn’t getting the grades that he said he would. Doesn’t engage with that, I offer a math tutor but can’t arrange without him. But he walks off when I try to talk about it

I found a lump sum bribe worked when my dd was similar. Like a charm.

She was the same age.

TBH, I think most 16 year olds have an element of feeling unsure of themselves, wanting to fit in, finding their feet. But this generation have labelled it / diagnosed themselves with social anxiety. My strategy is to talk openly about my own feelings, so my DC know that all of this is quite normal

disclaimer - yes I know that some children / adults have crippling anxiety and I'm not minimising that. But, I do think some people are too hasty to confuse normal uncomfortable feelings with clinical anxiety

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow the bribe was for what ? Glad it worked for you ! Will think about it

@NeedToChangeName

exactly - part of 48 year old me just thinks he’s a bit ‘shy’ and has to get on with it, so is everyone else shy and scared.
2024 parenting makes me worried tho that if no intervention is made he’ll get much ‘worse’ and spiral into never leaving his room.

how do I which it is, maybe it is both ? Therefor I should do …….

argh I don’t know !

The brine was to make her have her ASD assessment. She refused point blank just like she refused everything.

In desperation l offered her £250 to have it done.

I kid you not, her next question was ‘When is it?’

Literally like magic.

The problem at the moment is lots of teens self diagnosing very normal teen anguish as various conditions due to what they see on socials. Of course some will generally have these conditions but it's a bit like we've gone from one moment where MH issues were shameful and completely swept under the carpet to the other side where they all have one but haven't been to the GP, but at the same time MH issues often become apparent in men at 17+ years.

If he isn't interested in helping himself, a trip to the GP etc there isn't much you can do. But I would work hard on not completely isolating himself as it just makes things harder but at his age it's difficult. DD is autistic but I make her take part in daily life but catered for her so supermarket trips when it's quiet, bank visits at quiet times etc but she's a younger teen and easier to get her to come with me.

Does he have friends at college? He managed the transition from school to college ok?

He’s been diagnosed as dyslexic years ago and is happy enough with the diagnosis. It comes from my side and I am open that it is a pain at school but will be useful (???? Maybe!!!) at some point.

College he seems ok in. He wanted BBB but is on track for CCD. He says he’ll have a math tutor and I need to set one up but he never chases and it takes quite a lot of effort. Maybe part of the issue is that I used to have a very slack job and could do whatever I wanted whereas in a new job I am under the cosh so if not chased I don’t get it done. Plus I worry that if I make it toooo easy he will literally not develop any initiative at all. At the moment iniative is very lacking !!!

he participates in family stuff, dinners out, cinema out and holidays but not much else. It is a good idea that maybe we should start making him do things like go to the bank with us.

I just got on and did stuff. So I find it very strange.

If you haven't observed social anxiety in him then it might just be his age. Does he have friends at college?

My son kept saying he was socially anxious at that age. I didn't really agree with him. He'd always had a group of friends and he still did have at school, but he became self conscious with other people, like extended family and in other situations. He I told him everyone feels self conscious at that age.

Now he is 23 and definitely doesn't have social anxiety. He will talk to anyone in any situation. I would probably say he is more confident than the average person and he loves going out and doing new things.

@sleekcat yeah I think it's within normal bounds, but he says he has social anxiety, and that it has stopped him doing stuff. He is not very forthcoming about it to talk to.

Glad to to know your son grew out of it.

Following advice - gonna make him come to the bank today

Bump for the weekend, now I think about I realise quite how little he does outside the house and am getting worried

I could have written this post almost word for word, even down to the grades! Interested to see what advice people have.
I think pp are right, this can just be normal for teenagers. Does your DS seem unhappy or is he doing ok?
I am currently trying to encourage study/revision but otherwise keeping life as stress free as possible.
What other subjects is your DS taking and how is he doing with those?
Does he have friends that he sees in person on games with on-line?

He seems in pretty good cheer, we went on hols and had a good time after a couple of beers.

it’s 100% stonewalling. I guess I need to work out if it is my stuff or his.

he has a friend in college and is part of a tight knit four group of friends, though they haven’t done much together recently. Not sure he has made any new friends….

doing math, comp sci and econ.

I have booked in a talk with him today at a certain time, with a list of things to discuss so see how we get on.

Good plan, hope it goes well.

Just wondering how things are with your ds now? I could have written your post, my ds is in his first year of sixth form, so really interested to know if anything worked…

Hey @Donhill Well actually he asked me back in Sept to arrange a therapist. Not a free one via video I could arrange through work, oh no, a real in person one. So I did. She’s £60 a week. ! Luckily we live in an area awash with therapists and I got a good one with an MSC and had worked with teenagers.

lucky I earn a decent chunk. So he started in Sept and is still going to her once a week.

he is MUCH happier! I don’t think I had realised quite how bad things had got. He wasn’t eating or sleeping properly and looked at me like I was a monster when at dinner.

now he is quite chatty when having a beer (yes maladaptive coping mechanisms!), eating much better, seems much happier, going out with friends more, working for college.

I don’t know what they talk about ! He says they don’r talk about family much. So that is good.

but he asked for the help.

he’s having a year off and will ‘get a job’ before going to uni. But as it costs so much I don’t see the point of making him go unless he’s 100% and also has the social skills to match.

I guess we have really concentrated on the social side and let him deal with the college. We have no input there. I do feel we got really much closer to the edge that I realised.

I would do anything and everything to keep communication open and encourage any and every social interaction. I also watch the programs he watches so we have stuff to talk about.

good luck it is NOT easy

I know this is an old thread but following with interest.

DS1 is 16 & also tells us he has social anxiety. He has had some panic attacks at school is on beta blockers from GP for that.

Currently, he is begging to bring his new girlfriend, who we have only really said hello to, to a family party on Easter Sunday as he fears he will have an attack there. Without social anxiety info we had said no as we don't know her, party will be late & only family there (about 18 people in total, meet up multiple times per year).

As with previous posters, he actually does quite a lot socially. 3 different football groups, Young Leader at Scouts, has friends. On holiday in October couldn't wait to go & play football with group of 10-15 other young people. So he can do social situations sometimes.

I want to be supportive, but don't know where the line is & what to do.

Also, we don't have money for any kind of private treatment, so that is not an option here.