Supporting 13yr old with friends

[boodlesandpoodles]

DD1 is 13 and is in a small group of friends. A friend which she has known from 2yrs old, a friend since she has known since 7yrs old a specific all consuming hobby. In yr7 they all started at the same school together, now in yr8 my DD and is finding it really hard - she is universally well liked but struggles to form deeper friendships beyond the classroom - the two old friends seem to prefer each other, resulting in some pretty rubbish behaviour from them at DD’s birthday. We’ve just had 2.5week Easter break with her seeing no one face to face despite my efforts to organise stuff.

She says she wants to move schools, that it’s not worth the money we pay, and she’d have a better time / fresh start elsewhere. She does have a tendency to be negative and dwell on things. I’ve suggested we connect with other people who do her hobby, but am always met with resistance - she doesn’t feel well equipped socially to take friendships to the next level.

How do I help? Should I help? It’s such a stark contrast to DD2 who will make friends with anyone - as with all these things it heartbreaking to watch. It seems there is a pecking order, leaving out situation constantly in play that is just tiresome. Anyone have a similar experience?

Yes - going through something similar at the moment
No tips, just came looking for them

If she were to move schools, when would you have to give notice? I'm assuming the earliest she could leave woukd by Christmas now?

My DD is in year 11 and has been in a "threesome" multiple times over the years. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't! If it's not working she needs to seek a new group of friends rather than expecting things to change in her current group. IME lots of friendship changes happen in year 8. Do you think she's clinging on to them because she's known them so long? Obviously you can't make this happen and she's the one who needs to make the change. My DD stayed in one threesome for far too long - it's frustrating to watch as a parent.

Personally I think this is really common at that age. I wouldn't ask her about trying to engage with other people more at the hobby, I'd just do it tbh. So invite them somewhere etc.

Just tell DD "at this age, girls can be bitchy but with a bit of manoeuvring things will get better." Old friendship groups tend to break up at this age too. Get her to invite people out...from school, the hobby, anywhere.

I think moving to a new school is a BAD idea. If she's ill equipped in friendships now, moving will make no difference.

I'd also limit her time on social media so that her self esteem isn't affected constantly.

Woukd she be interested in trying a book like The Teen Girl Survival Guide or The Social Success Workbook for Teens?

For you, I'd really recommend reading Untangled. It's got me and DD through some challenging situation more than once

Experiencing similar with the friends with lots of people but goes no further thing, I'm wondering if kids having phones and everyone so accessible on Snapchat and stuff now means they don't reach out for in person arrangements outside of school, it just seems odd to me that no one seems to initiate anything.
I have also found when I have encouraged it sometimes and she does have a friend round they seem to struggle to interact without lots of 'why don't you do this' type intervention or trying to start conversations and me biting my tongue not to tell them off for not talking to each other, even though they'd be none stop messaging on their phones before and after.
It's a big contrast to my older daughter.

Year 8 can be a tricky time I think - they're so self-conscious about seeming childish, but they don't really know how to interact together in a more mature way. What sort of stuff did you suggest in the holidays? Maybe you were relying on things that used to be popular (eg taking them to a trampoline park) and you need to start thinking of more "grown up" things like them going to the cinema without you, wandering around the shops etc?

Just came on to say thank you for starting this thread OP. DD 12 is struggling - seems to be uncomfortable around friends she's known for years, watches from the sidelines, doesn't seem to look forward to seeing them or going out.

It's a big change from how she was. It's hard to know what's normal and what might be something more serious. Any attempts to talk to her about it are firmly pushed away.