Alienated teenage daughter

[wildlingtribe]

Does anyone have any advice how to navigate life with my teenage daughter who has obviously been alienated away from me by her father and grandmother.
It hasn't happened with my three youngest.

It's broken my heart and continues to stab deeper everyday.

How do I navigate this when all I receive is lies, push back, disrespect and ignorance from my lovely girl who was so close with me up until last summer.

😭

There are two sides to every story, OP.

Ime - when ds gave up coming here and stayed where he was allowed to drink and take drugs I simply left him to his choice. A year later he realised himself his life wasn't how he wanted after all. Look after yourself and the dc you have with you.

Are you the poster with the recent holiday query? If so I’d focus on the DC still living with you for now.

My DD did come back. It's a waiting game. And it's painful.

I'm sorry op.

Have you ever thought that these are her personal choices and that the father and grandmother are supporting her decisions, and protecting her?

If she's happier and at peace there, respect her choice to remain there.

Parent from afar the best way that you can ask to visit sometimes.

Maybe it is in her best interest for her to remain there.
Such little context is given.
We also don't know her side of things

Such a minefield this teenager malarkey. My middle son was ruined by his paternal grandparents but despite all the expensive gifts he has received over the years he can now see them for what they are, all the minimising of exdp alcohol issues and denying things

I can’t guarantee it will work but calmly giving your side of the story, justifying your actions/decisions and acknowledging the other side’s version of events and that there are different viewpoints can help.

Do you spend time with the teen and their friends eg do their friends visit them at your home? Do they discuss things with their friends. IME, in their mid teens, their peers often know or see what is being said or done if one parent is trying to alienate the other, and start to speak up. Teenagers can be surprisingly insightful and rational when it comes to their friends’ families, if not their own 😂

Would they agree to family therapy?

There are two sides and there is a lot of context...

My young teen has essentially disowned me (selectively). So there are times where she will be minimally warm/ appreciative and approachable but a lot of times she displays ignorance, disgraceful name calling, and false accusations - a lot it's in the presence of them. Must add that she has been with her father and grandmother for an over 6 months now. And wow. The changes are undeniably heartbreaking, confusing and worrisome. The mocking of words and behaviours is uncanny.

I believe there is an abandoned issue here and this is her way of having control - he left previously so now she has him back for herself.

How do I navigate this situation as it's not just a disrespectful teen, it's a teen who is one of multiple children who she has 'chosen' to separate herself from and her mother.

I know alienation is thrown around a lot but without going into too much context, I have spoken with a mediator who feels that this is also apparent.

But in the day to day. I want her to know I am always here for her. I hope that she remembers the truth, (which she knew and lived and believed up until last summer when she was influenced a lot and spoilt rotten by them)

I want her to know that it's unacceptable to cross respect without her feeling like I'm being "everything they say I am"

The names I've been called match ones from them - word for word.

I've tried to express this to him but he says it's all me

How do I navigate this when it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with me? I want her to know I love her unconditionally and I'm always here. But when I said this - she accused me of being bipolar.

These are the words of her father and his mother previously.

How do I navigate my own self worth when it's constant rejection from my child who I adore and i miss so much. She has changed beyond belief.

How much of it is teen/ the hard separation/ the things they have lied about to her? It's all so hard to distinguish.

Bump

What's happened? How old are younger dc? Same dad? What's life been like at your home for her ?

.It hasn't happened with my three youngest.

do you favourably compare them to her a lot? Is your 'wildlingtribe' inclusive of her or just younger dc?

This happened to me. My ex gradually manipulated my youngest away with him and tried with my eldest but she didn't go. He was giving them drink, weed and letting them away with murder, meanwhile making up all sorts of things about me to turn them against me. Biggest mistake I made was being the bigger person and quietly eating the shit. I should have been more proactive, countering his accusations and calling him out on his bullshit. I don't mean in a tit for tat way I just mean defending myself and highlighting blatant lies to the children. Youngest was eventually removed and brought back to me by the police and after a few months NC I think she sees it was a toxic environment. Don't sit back. Make a plan and get your kid back however you need to.

Favourably compare?

That's been my login throughout my parenting of them.

@unbelievablescenes I've tried this approach but it's made her believe their lies. Deep down she knows.
I think it's a case that she thinks the grass is greener, and if she comes home, she doesn't now want to be the one out of four of them to "leave her dad" like he makes out.

@DoreenonTill8 same father. All under 14.

Also:

Where would you say the balance is with this:

I know that children deserve to form their own opinions of their people in their lives.

But what if they're being shaped by those people in a negative way?

And also: what if the children see know wrong but us other parent can see the destruction, the lies, the lack of support, the awful behaviour?

The children don't get what they deserve and still the other parent comes up smelling roses.

This isn't about my ego.

My children deserve to have the world. Like all of ours do. But is it right for them to think their parent is perfect when in reality they cause hell. I want to spare their feelings. But equally I don't want them to grow up thinking it's all acceptable.

Bump.

Also how do you handle the pushback? When all I get is disrespect, discarding me. I try to keep the neutral contact and let her know I'm there for her unconditionally but equally I cannot allow the constant disrespect. Lies. Name calling etc.

You could write a letter ( keep a copy) expressing your side of the story. One day she may really need this from you.

Thank you.

I have started. I feel like it's never going to end, this worry and disconnect.

How much of it is parental alienation, how much is being an early teen? How much is personality, life, character.

It's so hard.

But it's clear as day that he knows how much it's hurting me. He stands there silent when I'm asking if she would like to spend time together, and as she declines - he just says to her come on let's go. He waits for me to ask her. Then he does that.

I've been reading up on Charlie mccreedy parental alienation. And his posts are excellent.

I'm trying to look after myself. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be non reactive (I'm doing this well but finding that I'm numbing and suppressing internally, I get such bad neck pains). I've been trying to keep connection and obviously summer holidays now and she's just not bothered. I've tried and tried and tried. I've given space, I've contacted daily but it's met with nothing.

How do I go on?

I don't want anymore broken distance between our bond but it's heartbreaking and soul destroying.

She has been brainwashed. But she is turning into them. She's turning into a. Liar. She has stood by them when they've gone at me physically. She's stood by them when they've treated me like dirt for years. The first two years she saw the truth, but now since last year it's flipped. I don't want her to think this is okay to treat someone let alone your devoted and loving mother. I don't want her to think this is ok at all. But disconnecting from her and not giving it the fuel doesn't sit well. I miss her so much.

And now I've learned is seeing my friend.

Another dagger.

And what's worse is that not only is he being deceitful, my daughter is as she is seeing this as okay behaviour.

He also doesn't bother with the other children.