Hi all
Sorry long thread.
I literally do not know how to handle my 12 year old DD anymore. She is lovely girl except when it comes to being told off at which point her behaviour totally changes.
So from approx age 9 she has suffered with anxiety. Not really over anything specific but day to day worries, friendship problems, find things hard at school but nothing significantly large. At the time she started seeing the school counsellor and whilst he validated her feelings, he never gave her tools to cope with them. She has always had friends and wasn’t bullied, at school we always told her to do her best but never put undue pressure on her to be top of the class so I was never quite sure where these anxieties came from. I consider us to have a nice life, mam, dad and 2 siblings at home. Attentive grandparents. She is loved, there is no financial issue at home. She does any club she wants to, currently cheer, dance and swimming but we don’t force her into activities and there are plenty she has been to and give up in the past.
She stared senior school and at first everything seemed fine. She made some new friends and settled in ok. One day I got a call from the school to say she had confessed to self harming. She had been cutting herself with pencil sharpener blade. When we spoke she couldn’t articulate why she did it only that “her mental health was bad” and she still felt anxious. We engaged with NHS health services and were put on the waiting list.
A few weeks later we caught her vaping, we expressed how disappointed we were, she was told off, grounded and sent to bed. That night she took a paracetamol overdose. She confessed the next morning and we spent the following 2 days in hospital whilst she received the antidote. When we searched her phone we found videos from tik tok detailing suicide, self harm and anorexia. We limited her phone for social media and banned TikTok. We explained the reasons and she seemed to understand. Given the NHS waiting list we engaged a private counsellor whom she has seen every 1-2 weeks for the last 6 months. She says she likes her and can talk to her and continues to want to go and see her as she says it helps.
However, she had constantly tried to override her phone settings to install apps she’s not allowed. I understand this to a degree as she wants to be like her friends but given the content she was accessing we cannot take the risk. We have discussed this again and again as to the reasons and explained it’s not forever but currently she’s vulnerable she cannot have access to social media. The other day she managed to install some apps and had her phone taken away for a short period of time. I have since discovered she self harmed again due to this.
She is also currently constantly pushing the boundaries, not coming home when we said she needed to be in, going places she’s not allowed. Again we have explained the reasons for this, to keep her safe and actually she’s only 12. I am in constant fear as to how to discipline her behaviour as she goes on to self harm. She is completely oblivious to the impact her suicide attempt had on the family believing her mental health only affects her.
We are being very careful when telling her off with wording, no shouting and explaining all the reasons why she isn’t allowed to do this and that but she still feel completely hard done to.
The thing that has broken me is that I have checked her phone tonight and found she has googled “are my parents mentally abusive”. I am at a complete loss of what to do now. How do we discipline her for normal teenage pushing boundaries without her hurting herself? I know it’s normal to feel the worlds against you as a teen but this seems extreme. I am following up tellings off with this doesn’t mean we don’t love you and if you feel you want to self harm please talk to me. We have always tried to approach the self harm without judgement. The school are also supportive and know her history.
We have a good relationship normally. Spend time together, talk, laugh, she goes out with her friends, has sleepovers, we are not overly strict in my opinion. There is no indication anyone has ever harmed her or she is frightened of anyone. I am at a complete loss of how to deal with this. Sorry it all quite heavy but any advice?
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Child self harming when told off
14 replies
Mamofthree051227 · 13/04/2024 02:42
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