Don't know how to deal with unmotivated 13 year old.

[EndlessTreadmill]

My DS has just turned 13, and is in a school which has exams at the end of every academic year.
He joined at 8, and for the first 2 years or so, was well in the average, but in the last 3 years, his end of year exams have slid steadily down the rankings. Last year, he scored below average (by some way) in every subject except one.
Having just had his end of term report, the consistent themes are: lack of effort and focus (doesn't revise, mucks about), and distracting other kids. He now has the easter break to revise for this year's exams, and has absolutely no intention of doing it. He just says he doesn't care and it's not worth the effort - according to him, nothing is worth the effort he would have to put in to get decent (ie average) grades for the exams.
I just don't know what to say, or do. We have taken his phone and playstation away until after the exams. I have offered to help him to try and break down what he has to do into manageable tasks for each day, he just lolls on his bed and refuses to show me where the information is on the school ipad. I have asked the teachers in the past, but they will give the headings of topics, but then its down to him and I to print off the stuff that needs to be revised - and he just lies in his bed and laughs.

I am genuinely at my wits end. My husband and I are working hard to pay for his school fees. Tomorrow I will be going to work, leaving him in the house where he needs to revise, and knowing he will do nothing. I have wasted the whole evening arguing with him to try and help me help him - ended up saying really horrible things to him which have upset his sister who could hear us.
I am at my wits end, as I know exactly what is going to happen - the same as last year. I feel like I am watching a car crash in slow motion, and I end up hating and despising him for it, for his total laziness and lack of effort, when he sees us both doing our best for the family.... and for all the unpleasantness and arguments it brings.
I am considering taking us all to a family counsellor, as the atmosphere at home is really bad now, all we do is bark at each other. Though I don't know if that works (or exists) and I would dread having to talk about this and repeat things to a stranger. Well aware that ultimately I am the parent, and the failure is mine, but I just don't know what do to differently.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

[MeMyCatsAndMyBooks]

Send him to a normal mainstream school? It's clearly a waste of money and he's not enjoying it.

[Haggisfish3]

i Suspect fear of failure. It’s way easier to not try and fail than it is to try and still fail. I would suggest trying to sit with him and do short bursts and reward effort rather than grades.

[Nettleskeins]

Vitamin D deficiency? Common at this time of year. My son has this...made him bad tempered listless, irritable tired.
Supplement or better still have his blood tested via GP (you can get blood tests privately in chemists).
Folate and B12 deficiency are also a "thing" in teenagers. Check those too.

[Marchpane123]

Don’t know the answer but we are in exactly the same situation with our son. He has always lacked motivation with homework etc but until the end of last year was solidly average - this term he is scraping Ds, refusing to do any homework and we have had 6-7 reports of him being disruptive in class (compared to 1 or 2 for the whole of last year. Things seem to have escalated (or plummeted?) very quickly. We saw the school counsellor last week who has approached him and he will get some initial assessments for ADHD (not sure from my limited knowledge this entirely aligns with his behaviour but we’ll see).
I suspect that for whatever reason he is overwhelmed with the expectations of his academic school and has basically opted out. He regularly says he hates school, though there doesn’t seem to be any issue with having friends etc. We are visiting a smaller local state school tomorrow in the hope that might be a better fit for him. Good luck to you, it’s very frustrating

[EndlessTreadmill]

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks

Send him to a normal mainstream school? It's clearly a waste of money and he's not enjoying it.

Actually, just to clarify, he really enjoys school. He loves the sports side, and the social side. I have threatened many times to take him out of there if he doesn't step up.
The issue is that he won't actually do any work on his side (ie studying, revising for tests, and especially not these yearly exams).

[GrazingSheep]

I have threatened many times to take him out of there if he doesn't step up.

He knows it’s an empty threat. He has all the power.

[StringTheory1]

“Hating and despising him”

😞

[Nettleskeins]

He also terrified of failing. Logic doesn't come into to it at that age. Fear paralyses you.
Please get his blood tested, and focus on ways to make him feel appreciated and relaxed. Take pressure off and give him back SELF motivation. Go for a walk. Watch telly with him. Chat over other things not school work. Remind him you are there to help then leave him to decide. Don't harass.
Disclaimer three kids, first I harassed (poor results) second I left him to decide (excellent results results) third peer pressure made her study, no harassing or decisions necessary.
First diagnosed with vit deficiency after GCSEs...wish I'd known.
All have turned out v well
State schools

[justasking111]

Colleague at work moved her daughter after bad GCSE results. She picked up after that. She was in a bad peer group.

[EndlessTreadmill]

@StringTheory1

“Hating and despising him”

😞

I know. I hate myself now. If it's any consolation, I am crying right now.

[Nettleskeins]

I also think you need to rethink the school. Give it until the end of this year but please don't present it as a demotion. It is not the booby prize or a punishment to go to a state school, nor is it a "reward" for good behaviour to send him to a private school
This is conditional love at it's worst...your equating the money you spend and time you work to the effort he puts in.
Surely you sent him to this school to make him feel confident motivated and good about him self, not give him an inferiority complex and feel he is despised and resented. ?
Stop thinking about this as your problem but as his problem, and how would you help him if he has a "problem"...surely to intervene and move schools OR find out what is bothering him.
Laughter can be a sign of embarrassment and anxiety.

[Balloonhearts]

I'd just withdraw him tbh and send him to a regular mainstream school. What's the point of paying a premium for private schooling if he isn't making use of it. If he's just going to dick about, he can do that in a local comprehensive for free.

[likepeddlesonabeach]

He's 13, they are still so young and slap bang in the middle of hormonal upheaval. Try to step back for a minute and reset your perspective. For what it's worth, I also have a 13 year old DS, also struggling and working non-stop to pay for private school and also worried about his lack of discipline.

In my case, I can also relate to your son and my own, because I was like this as a kid, academically able and underperforming because I found it hard, then almost impossible to study independently. Some kids fall to pieces around that age as school became less structured and there is an increasing expectation of self motivation and self directed learning. Some kids do this well and some are not developmentally ready to self discipline. For me, pretending to myself and my parents that I didn't care was my way of trying to cope with the fear and stress of failure and the more I fell behind the more impossible it seemed to study. It's a cycle and you have to break it.

I'm doing for my son what I think might have worked for me, taking all the angst and pressure off, reframing this as a hurdle we're going to have to figure out together and proposing a 'catch up and reset' summer. We did this before when he was 11 and it worked. We had a daily online tutor, just 30 mins in English and math at a set time. Then we had someone come to the house twice a week in a subject he had fallen far behind in. It was not a punishment, it was framed as a solution to a problem, but he now knows that either he puts the time in now during term time or it'll have to come out of summer free time. It also helped him understand how study works, what to actually do to revise and how much time it takes.

[junebirthdaygirl]

My ds was like this. Tons of ability but couldn't have cared less. My dd was completely motivated by peer pressure but for my ds and his friends it was all about sport and fun. Also a private school but that was our decision not his so could not be used as a stick to beat him with.
Maybe reward him with his phone/ PlayStation for every half hour he studies...with you. So do it in small bites. So match it.
As a reassurance my ds gradually improved and by Leaving Cert..in lreland..he was fully motivated and achieved well. He now has a better job than my dd who worked solidly through the years and would say now she wished she had more fun. Stop thinking about the Private School..that is your decision and inot his. Never mention it to him as there are free schools he could be in. Take time to chat about other things and build a relationship with him. Let him have his friends around. Start with 30 minutes where you give him exactly what to study and then hear it out to him. Build from there. It's a long road to 18 and they often do not see the point but l found with ds when he saw the point: wanting to go to college he sat up and put in a huge effort. Saying that he had missed a lot in his dossing days but he achieved enough to get on a course and took off from there.
Encourage sport and fresh air.

[Stopsnowing]

Having exactly the same thing and am in despair. DS has additional needs so I thought private school would be best for him. He puts the minimum effort in and just doesn’t care. I am very tempted to put him into state school but then I wonder of this is just a phase.

I hate the way work is set in their laptops. If I could see a physical text book and work book I could supervise homework and revision so much better but their work is scattered virtually all over the internet!

vitamin deficiency is an interesting point.

also remembering to do fun stuff. Although tbh all he seems to want is to game.

[LaurieFairyCake]

You've got money as you're paying fees so have tutoring 2 nights a week for him to do the homework with - a good tutor will make sure he knows the concepts and the neutrality of the relationship will really help

You have to take yourself out of the equation - your relationship needs to be about fun/tv/eating and not exams

[Jeannne92]

Does the school have a counsellor he could speak to? Or could his Head of Year assign him a mentor? How are his friends' grades/attitudes to learning?

[WASZPy]

Is the school too academic for him? If he's competitive (likes sport?) but knows he can never score more than average, then maybe he has just checked out. I think my 13yo would do the same.

It might be better for him to go to a less academic school where he can make it into top sets and feel better about himself. There would probably be less pressure too, it sounds like there are a lot of tests and exams for quite young children at his current school.

Trying to make it work at this school is not worth losing your relationship with him. TBH, if he isn't doing any work and is becoming disruptive in class, he may be asked to leave anyway.

[Jeannne92]

Can he pick his 2 favourite subjects and set himself a target to improve in those over a period of time?

[Meadowfinch]

I think you need to reconsider the school too. He seems to be in an environment that is too academic for him.

Moving school is a big thing but you have three years before GCSEs to sort it out. I think you need to research local schools then sit him down and explain that he will be moving, and organise some visits and taster days.

[LightSwerve]

Stop and reset. You are in a very negative spiral but you are the adult and your top priority must be to avoid damaging him emotionally.

He just says he doesn't care and it's not worth the effort - according to him, nothing is worth the effort he would have to put in to get decent (ie average) grades for the exams. He clearly needs support. The feeling of 'what's the point' needs empathy not a bollocking.

ended up saying really horrible things to him This will be affecting how he feels, further reducing his motivation.

end up hating and despising him for it, for his total laziness and lack of effort He will feel this, it will be making it harder to try.

have threatened many times to take him out of there if he doesn't step up Will make it more frightening - what if he tries and gets removed anyway? You are wielding your power here.

This all sounds very unhealthy for your son.

You need to flip this around and start praising him for what he does do. He would benefit from support and encouragement, not threats and harsh words.

Stop threatening to move him school - you chose that school, you have to show you care about HIM not just exams.

[LaWench]

In your shoes, I would be moving him to a state school, specifically one that has great sports facilities. Then using a carrot rather than a stick. Offer £ on exam grades/ fun days out he'd enjoy etc. Also, extra tutors to help.

[BibbleandSqwauk]

Teacher in a private school here also with a similar child. I would say:

1. Don't see the fees as a waste if the academic "outcome" isn't good enough. Those saying take him out are missing the point that it's not about paying for grades, but the environment and if he's well supported, great extra curricular and friends those are all big wins.

1. Ask the school for his log in details. If a lot of his homework is online they'll be using Teams or Google Classroom or similar with an assignments page. Or make him show you so you can get a handle on what is coming up.

1. Longer term; does he know what he wants to be when he's older? Vague idea is fine. Look into what's needed and see if that will help with motivation. Mine is struggling partly because he is lost in a dream of YouTube stardom 🙄 but if yours wants to be a pilot or engineer or graphic designer he'll need grades.

[ObliviousCoalmine]

I feel like I am watching a car crash in slow motion, and I end up hating and despising him for it, for his total laziness and lack of effort, when he sees us both doing our best for the family.... and for all the unpleasantness and arguments it brings.

Over an end of year exam? Which the school have put in place of their own accord and isn't part of standard school progression?

Is it worth falling out with your child to this extent over something which in the grand scheme of things doesn't actually matter?

Stop making empty the threats. Calmly tell him that he has this Easter to revise and make a concerted effort in the exam, even if that doesn't translate to a grade, you need to see him putting in the work. If he doesn't, you have found him a different school where these end of year exams aren't a thing. Redirect the fee money into extra curricular sports and structured tutoring.

This isn't worth 'hating' your child over.

[mamacorn1]

I would take him out of private school and put him in mainstream. You and your dh are working to pay for him and he can’t be arsed - time for a reality check.