How can I maintain a relationship with DD?

[Fenimore]

I know that raising teens is hard but I have seen my lovely DD turn into an entitled, rude, snarky 17 year who regularly tells us she hates our family. The last 12 months have been horrible.

She is mean and cold towards us unless she wants something. Spends all of her time in her room. No interest in me, her dad or younger sister. She is entitled and arrogant. Hard to like actually. I know she smokes and vapes with her friends.. I don’t think there is more than that. She has a social life but not out that much. She doesn’t seem depressed or anything.

she is almost an adult so I had hoped things would be better by now but it’s the worst they have been. She doesn’t do anything around the house and her bedroom is vile. She treats us like a taxi service and the house like digs. Seldom eats a meal with us, makes cheese toasties at unreasonable times instead.

I’ve reasoned, I’ve rowed, I’ve tried to negotiate to get her to keep her room reasonable. It’s a health hazard. Filthy plates and cups. Her recently purchased furniture is burnt from hair straighteners and she’s split stuff on carpet and not cleaned it up.

She didn’t acknowledge Mother’s Day. I don’t expect much but a card might have been nice. The irony was she texted me (from her room) to ask for a photo of me and her for her TikTok as all her mates were posting mum pics. I don’t get to see said post as I am blocked from all of her social media.

i am tired of this. She achieves at 6th form and has a uni place for September . Whether she goes this year or next I’m not sure. She has a job in a cafe so has money to spend. At least I’m not paying out. I don’t want her last year at home to be like a Cold War. I want to preserve some kind of relationship but at the moment I feel like a drudge and a doormat,

I have tried to discuss this with her but she says she can’t be bothered. A row takes us nowhere and simply alienates us further. I want some kind of relationship going forward but I’m scared to push it. I wonder where my funny sweet girl went.

can anyone advise me? It is so upsetting.

[DustyLee123]

It sounds very normal.
So she’s doing A levels, might go to uni, and has a PT job, so that’s good. Just hang in there while she does her exams this year, then pray that she moves on to uni.
My DD didn’t go to uni and her room was a state, she was with me until 24 then left home and I only get a message on Mother’s Day/birthday/xmas now.

[Fenimore]

Thanks for reply. I do know a lot of this is normal but I find the rejection hard to cope with. She says she hates us and I believe her! Can’t remember the last time I had a kind word or gesture from her.

How do I behave around her? Call her out for her mess and laziness? Leave her alone? Ignore her like she ignores me?

[DustyLee123]

I don’t know what to suggest as I obviously got it wrong, but one of the things my DD used to hate was me cleaning her room. I wasn’t being nosey, I literally went in, picked up all the stuff she’d chucked on the floor, dusted and hoovered, then got out. She scream that it was her room and that she didn’t want it cleaning. I’d say that it was my house and I didn’t want it leaving so that it was so bad I had to redecorate. Apparently that made me a bad parent.
Yet she did not do any washing/cleaning, never made a meal, had many driving lessons paid for her, never paid a penny towards her keep, took lifts to and from work at all hours. Yet I was a bad parent 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Fenimore]

It’s hard when you see a room you paid for and decorated, literally trashed. No way I would have got away with it as a kid. I was messy but not like this! Had to walk dog, wash up every day too.

I'm clearly a mug but it’s hard to change things now. It’s not just the mess, it’s the horrible attitude. She makes me cry tbh.

[theusualwednesday]

It sounds absolutely awful, my sis was the same and now is very close to my mum. If I were you I would get a calendar in your head and start counting down the weeks. Is she doing a levels soon?

I really dread this tbh!

[Fenimore]

She’s on a btec so no exams. Doing well on it. I guess she’s ready to move out and go off to uni but I wanted her last few months at home to be nice. Instead of a war zone.

[PleaseenterausernameX]

it sounds very normal

It's not normal and accepting it as normal behaviour gives some teens free rein to behave like entitled little shits.

OP - be the parent and impose boundaries. If your DD won't clean her room, go in with a bin bag and put in everything that's on the floor. Leave it in the hall and tell her she has X amount if time to retrieve what she wants from it.

Ban eating in her room.

Tell her frequently that you love her but have too much self respect to let her treat you and your home the way she does.

[Backtothe90ties]

@PleaseenterausernameX

it sounds very normal

It's not normal and accepting it as normal behaviour gives some teens free rein to behave like entitled little shits.

OP - be the parent and impose boundaries. If your DD won't clean her room, go in with a bin bag and put in everything that's on the floor. Leave it in the hall and tell her she has X amount if time to retrieve what she wants from it.

Ban eating in her room.

Tell her frequently that you love her but have too much self respect to let her treat you and your home the way she does.

Please don’t do this. You will just push her further away.

From experience and regret I would keep it light touch. Remind her that it is disrespectful but don’t go full on (only you will get upset about this). Get a countdown app and pray she moves out. I’m sure it will get better when she does. It did with mine who is now a very respectful daughter who I am close to. She and I both have regrets about this period of time.

Unmumsnetty hugs - having older teenagers is very tough.

[FluffyFanny]

It's not normal!

My DD is moody, she's sensitive, stressed about exams and college work and her room is messy. We have arguments but she doesn't say she hates us, she buys me nice gifts for mothers day, she eats meals with us, she sometimes watches TV with us, she always lets us know where she is, she asks before inviting friends round, she says thank you when I buy her something, do her washing, cook her tea etc. She comes out for family occasions to a restaurant etc.

I don't know what the answer is- but accepting her behaviour as normal is not it!

[Twokittycats]

It’s not just normal teen behaviour, she’s nearly 18. Stop driving her round if she’s rude, she can pay for Ubers or public transport. The problem with a lot teens is that their behaviour is just tolerated, there’s no comeback for trashing their room, being rude, upsetting other family members etc. Letting her behave badly with no consequences won’t help in the long run

[Fenimore]

kicked off only this morning as I told her to clear up in the kitchen. Full on rage but when I try to speak back she accuses me of bullying her! ‘All my friends think you’re a bully’ apparently.

she will shout then want it to end as she ‘doesn’t want to hear it’. I have no voice. It is she who is bullying me,

[user1492757084]

Hard one.
I would make a reasonable behaviour list in exchange for being taxi and her driving instructor.
My list would include..
eating with the family twice per week, doing her washing and putting out her rubbish once a week, no bad language to others and asking her to let you know where she is late at night.
I would also expect the conversation regarding driving her about to be well mannered.

You need to watch out for things to compliment your daughter on and remember to do that.
Take the chance to go on mother/daughter shopping outings forher birthday and to take her to see films and have coffee and discuss her opinion.
Ask her opinion on things and listen.

[Fenimore]

Thank you but I feel it’s too late for nice stuff. I do compliment her. I tell her I love her. But she’s not interested. Shrugs it off, definitely doesn’t want to spend time with me.

[Lovelyview]

I'd ignore her terrible behaviour. Leave her to fester in her terrible room. Do not react at all to bad behaviour. No crying, no shouting. You say you want her time at home to be nice before she goes to university. Let go of that dream. Nothing you do will make that happen. Focus on having a nice time with your husband and other daughter. If she randomly rants at you. Listen politely but don't react. Keep your sense of yourself. You are a good person and deserve to be loved. My only concern is that she's in trouble but doesn't want to share it with you. That's why you need to listen when she's horrible. Just listen then say I'm sorry you feel like that. I love you and I'm here for you. The lovely daughter is inside there somewhere so keep your sense of connection to her even while another part of your daughter is trying to make your life a misery.

[Tel12]

For a start cancel the taxi service and stop tidying her room. I'm guessing that you sent her a photo to post in social media? It seems like she's been allowed to rule the roost.

[socks1107]

It's not normal and I would stop doing absolutely anything for her. No lifts, no cash, no WiFi if you change the password.
I have two similar age daughters and the older started a little bit of this after Covid and I came down hard enough to make her understand that I would not be walked over. Now she's lovely, a real pleasure at 20 she even chose to stay home for uni!

I would bag up everything that isn't put away in her room weekly and put it in the garage until she learns at the very least to bring down cups and plates. It's totally unacceptable and never share a photo until she's prepared to show you what's in her social media.

[PleaseenterausernameX]

Please don’t do this. You will just push her further away

OP won't push her away. You can maintain "a lightness of touch" (nice phrase) whilst maintaining boundaries and refusing ti be spoken to or treated like crap.

[Fenimore]

What I have found is that she is totally unreasonable. Cannot see reason. She is right. On everything. I can’t fight that level of delusion so will have to stop trying.

I can leave her room I suppose but what the mess she makes in the kitchen? To even mention it starts a row. Sorry to go on. I don’t know what to do!

I can set some rules about the kitchen I guess. After that how do I behave around her? (bizarre I gave to ask!). Polite? Distant? Normal self? She won’t engage with me. Do I withdraw from her like she has with me? I know that’s probably not the right thing to do but I feel like I’m creeping around her, grateful for any crumbs of Nice behaviour. It’s pathetic that I’m here. My mental health is shot.

[PleaseenterausernameX]

It's not pathetic, OP. You're being bullied by someone you love - it's bewildering.

I'm at work now but there's a link I want to share later.

[MintyCedric]

My daughter was fairly amenable on the whole but I still found the two years between GCSEs and heading to uni the most stressful of my parenting life.

They are finding their independence and wanting to prove it, but don’t have the adult skills to combine that with behaving properly.

My DD and I got on ok but the endless mess, lack of consideration re getting home on time, constantly whinging about what food was in the house and occasional disdain for me personally was hard to take.

She was home from uni a couple of weeks ago (started last September) and we both agreed that she left home right on time for both of us.

Hang tight, it will blow over.

[Newgirls]

Some of this is normal as she pulls away from you all.

messy room, messy kitchen as she rushes out of the door, spending lots of time in her room I’d say let go. She will learn how to be better when she has to share with flatmates. If you stop bringing all that up your relationship might feel les exhausting.

the other stuff - I’d ask for a word and say something like ‘I don’t feel we get on as well as I’d like to. How can we help this get better?’ And then listen. Even if you feel furious. Let her talk. Finish by saying ‘ok that’s a lot for me to process but thanks for being honest’

She’s lashing out at something (no Mother’s Day card etc) so better that she gets it off her chest

[Lovelyview]

@Fenimore you will get lots of different advice but only you know yourself and your daughter. So everyone's advice is based on their personality and experiences but it might not work for you. There are lots of books on parenting teens but they will take different approaches. Maybe have a wander around a bookshop and see if any appeal to you. I'd also say pick your battles. The kitchen cleaning seems straightforward because it's a particular task (tidy your room is not a straightforward task) Maybe say that when she tidies the kitchen then she can have a lift to her friends house. I don't know what's happening with your daughter but I get the sense that she wants you to be calm and to love and respect yourself. She is alarmed when you get upset but can't stop pushing to get that reaction.

[hangingonfordearlife1]

she's achieving well at school and going to uni and also works in a cafe? i'd back off abit and leave her alone. she sounds quite normal to me but i wouldn't make her any meals, do her washing or toiletries, just tell her until her room is cleaned she is responsible for all that

[Dweetfidilove]

@Fenimore Did you send her the picture for SM? They’re seems to be a lot of rewarding awful behaviour. If she’s aware enough to want to portray good mother/daughter relations on SM, she’s aware enough to know her behaviour is dreadful. She continues, because she’s allowed.

You are entitled to your boundaries. Allowing her to walk all over you serves no useful purpose for her or your family. She will take this entitled attitude with her into the world, but people will be far less inclined to coddle her.

Cut the lifts, arguing, funding, new furniture etc. Only provide what is essential for her survival. No one respects doormat behaviour.

[SharpLily]

I'm pretty sure my parents would have had similar feelings about me, but I also remember the sheer torture of those years for me. In my head was a chaos of insecurity, self-doubt, an agony of being desperate to fit in but also working out how to be an adult. I didn't hate my parents, I didn't want or mean to be awful, thoughtless, inconsiderate and rude but I have no doubt I often came across that way. I was just all twisted up inside as part of the process of growing up and had absolutely no idea how to properly express my feelings. She knows she doesn't know everything, in fact that's the real problem - inside is the terrible fear of showing that weakness. Attack is the best form of defense. Of course I grew out of it, as we/they all do.

I think the light touch is the way to go, while maintaining boundaries. Pick your battles, so maybe leave her to her bedroom but insist she clears up her own mess in the kitchen. Don't insist upon things like family meals or force her to spend time with any of you, but don't be a doormat either. If she's particularly out of order in her behaviour, she doesn't get lifts around or other privileges. Stay calm, even when she's winding you up.

On a positive note, she has plans, she's in education and working. That's a big win, and this difficult stage will pass.