Screaming and shouting is the only thing that works but

[lotis]

I just wish there was another way to motivate my teen ds 17. Feeling terrible after I made him tearful just now and I feel horribly guilty. But it is the only thing that makes him take action.
I am so worried about how hard it is for the younger generation these days and seeing on the news the other day the rise in NEETS (Not in employment, education or training), makes me so anxious. I love my DS so much and have always tried to support him, so that he can go on to achieve a career he will find interesting and give him a decent life and thrive in this world.

However, I dont know if its laziness or he feel overwhelmed which puts him in a state on procrastination, but he doesn't put much effort in. He doesnt gove much away when I try to enquire.

There are lots of examples but some off the top of my head.

•His GCSE results were mainly 5s but passed everything except one subject. Im sure he could have put more effort, or maybe hes just not as bright as I thought he was.

•He is now doing A levels and had a phonecall to say his group of friends just chat in study periods and do his theory test. He is not rude however they said whereas some of his friends are. He was very polite when the head of 6th form called him in about this. She said that he didnt do very well in his mocks and he needs to understand that the time goes by so fast. This doesn't motivate him to get better AT ALL though, he just plods along and turns up.

•He hasn't bothered setting up a Work Experience and now the deadline has gone. So all tge other children will have this on their CV and he will have nothing.

•He always says he wants to work in auditing, tax, accountancy etc, so I said to research some companies as he wants to do an apprenticeship. But how is he realitically going to be taken on with meh exam results and a meh CV. Also how will he realistically manage tough accountancy exams and work full time. If he is not bright enough are they only allowed to do one apprenticeship if they get fired for failing exams?

He is a really lovely young man with great interpersonal skills (his teachers always comment on this). He doesn't drink or vape or smoke weed and has a nice group of friends. He doesn't go out all night up to no good.

I think he lacks confidence in himself, however and he used to tell himself that he would never be able to work out how to drive a car. After I booked his first lesson he had a bit of an anxiety melt down, so I told him he is doing it. Now he is pleasantly surprised about how good he is and he cant believe he can do it. Again I kind of had to put my foot down and make him do it. Now he feels so much more confidence and is so happy he started and it has done him good.

I feel so awful and worried about his future. I have told him the world is so competitive and him not putting effort in whilst his peers do will affect his opportunities.

Does anyone else have a child like this and could they share experiences of what works and the best approach please?

[ADoggyDogWorld]

IME this is where you have to grit your teeth and step back. You support by providing a calm home, a space to study, nourishing meals. The rest is up to him.

Keeping your gob shut is HARD. BTDTGTTS.

[Beamur]

Personally I don't think shouting ever works.
He sounds perhaps not quite as bright as you thought, but 5's are respectable results. I wonder if A levels are proving a bit harder though.
Procrastination and lack of motivation aren't unusual for this age group and he also sounds a bit anxious. Sometimes the fear of failure can make it hard to take a risk.
I'd take a bit of a step back. Listen more than talk.
If he is showing an interest in working in a certain area maybe ask if he wants your help in doing some research. If he's missed the boat for work experience there are other options but he'd need to be a bit more pro-active - help him write a CV and send it to some local businesses and ask if he could do some unpaid work/intern type arrangement in the school holidays. Seeing himself where he wants to be in the future might help.

[lotis]

That is the thing though I have taken a step back,but nothing gets done! That is the issue. The shouting and scolding makes him take action! I hate it though. I facilitate him doing well in every way I possibly can.

Generally I have noticed that other cultures seem to be a lot stricter and take no nonsense and their kids thrive.

I have told him to use the school's teachers and resources whilst they are available to him and he actually listened and emailed his teacher. However, it is always when I lose my rag, never when I step back or have calm chats with him!

[Octavia64]

A lot of this sounds more about your anxiety than about him.

He doesn't drink or vape. He got perfectly good results at GCSEs. His school have let him onto A levels.

He got anxious about driving (many teens do, mine got so stressed she's failed her test three times just due to panicking).

If you feel he lacks confidence, then you could suggest he gets involved with something like venture scouts or St John cadets where he can be supported to be out of his comfort zone.

It sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants to do, and when you hassle him about it he gives you an answer to make you go away, but then obviously he doesn't have a passion for these things so isn't interested in taking it further. And that is fine and pretty normal,

[lotis]

I see what you mean, but I think it is natural to be anxious about your child building a future where they can manage to pay bills and not live a poverty stricken shit life in a world that is becoming harder and harder.

[JamSandle]

My sibling was like this and in his 30s and the same. Definitely falls into the NEET category. A lovely man but just can't seem to get himself sorted.

The older version of your son might be grateful for your screaming and shouting!

[downsizedilemma]

Honestly he is nearly an adult - he has all the information he needs from both you and school. I would make sure he knows the sorts of results he will need to progress to the next stage and let him get on with it. As I understand it, degree-level apprenticeships are highly competitive so that sounds like it might be a bit of a stretch at his current work rate.

[nc42day]

@lotis

I see what you mean, but I think it is natural to be anxious about your child building a future where they can manage to pay bills and not live a poverty stricken shit life in a world that is becoming harder and harder.

He sounds alright to me, you're shouting and screaming at him, he's getting upset, and it's based on your fear of his failure.

Give him a break, concentrate on what he does well, who he is as a person, rather than what he's not doing. You need to maintain a relationship with him in order to help him the most and that's not done by yelling at anyone.

[TheScenicWay]

Screaming and shouting us not useful really. Tell him what you've told us - that youre proud of him for becoming a wonderful young man and you're just worried for his future.
Remind him how far he's come and he has to work hard to secure a decent future.

Then help him to start committing time to his studies. What does he need? Resources? A timetable?

Get him volunteering somewhere once a week. Tell him to try charity shops, the library, care homes and animal charities. He'll need a cv and go in and have a chat with them. Minimum of 12 weeks.

Get him to find some local accountancy firms and see if he can get some work experience over the summer.

[lotis]

@JamSandle

My sibling was like this and in his 30s and the same. Definitely falls into the NEET category. A lovely man but just can't seem to get himself sorted.

The older version of your son might be grateful for your screaming and shouting!

Haha! I suspect he might.

He doesn't resent me for it at all! I think he knows I do it because I love and worry about him. I wish I didnt have to though as I feel guilty, but then again I wish I had a parent who was as supportive as me!

I wonder if the rise in NEETS is because of parents stepping back a bit too much.

[lotis]

@TheScenicWay Great advice thank you.

Funnily enough he has been proactive and reached out to a teacher who he literally just receivedan email from and has told him what to do about the accountancy firms in our local area! Once again it was only because I had a shout and blart at him! Now he is emailing them later.

He absolutely loves cats, so I wonder if there may be work experience with cats he could do too in his spare time!

[Anneta]

In my experience of having children, step children and grandchildren, everyone finds their own way in life and will find their niche in employment, even if it sometimes takes a meandering path to get there. One of my grandsons (24) is not at all academic but started with an apprenticeship and has since had two further jobs. He has never been unemployed because he has a super personality and that has carried him through every interview. My son dropped out of uni in the second year and tried a few run-of-the-mill jobs before getting on his career ladder and now he is flying. My stepdaughter had very poor attendance at college so she left after a few months and went into care work. She then did NVQs, a university degree became manager of a care home and now works for a private care home company on the management team.
All you can do, is support your son when you can, as you cannot live his life for him. Perhaps you could help him to find a part time job that would give him experience for his CV and he would be paid. When the exams get closer for his A levels you could help him with his revision timetable or maybe employ a tutor to support his learning.
In my opinion he has done well so far to obtain so many GCSEs bearing in mine that 1. last year the results were all downgraded by the government & 2. These kids lost out on education due to Covid lockdowns.
At the end of the day just wish for him to be happy in life and that happiness will not just be based on his A level grades.

[MyLemonBee]

@lotis

I just wish there was another way to motivate my teen ds 17. Feeling terrible after I made him tearful just now and I feel horribly guilty. But it is the only thing that makes him take action.
I am so worried about how hard it is for the younger generation these days and seeing on the news the other day the rise in NEETS (Not in employment, education or training), makes me so anxious. I love my DS so much and have always tried to support him, so that he can go on to achieve a career he will find interesting and give him a decent life and thrive in this world.

However, I dont know if its laziness or he feel overwhelmed which puts him in a state on procrastination, but he doesn't put much effort in. He doesnt gove much away when I try to enquire.

There are lots of examples but some off the top of my head.

•His GCSE results were mainly 5s but passed everything except one subject. Im sure he could have put more effort, or maybe hes just not as bright as I thought he was.

•He is now doing A levels and had a phonecall to say his group of friends just chat in study periods and do his theory test. He is not rude however they said whereas some of his friends are. He was very polite when the head of 6th form called him in about this. She said that he didnt do very well in his mocks and he needs to understand that the time goes by so fast. This doesn't motivate him to get better AT ALL though, he just plods along and turns up.

•He hasn't bothered setting up a Work Experience and now the deadline has gone. So all tge other children will have this on their CV and he will have nothing.

•He always says he wants to work in auditing, tax, accountancy etc, so I said to research some companies as he wants to do an apprenticeship. But how is he realitically going to be taken on with meh exam results and a meh CV. Also how will he realistically manage tough accountancy exams and work full time. If he is not bright enough are they only allowed to do one apprenticeship if they get fired for failing exams?

He is a really lovely young man with great interpersonal skills (his teachers always comment on this). He doesn't drink or vape or smoke weed and has a nice group of friends. He doesn't go out all night up to no good.

I think he lacks confidence in himself, however and he used to tell himself that he would never be able to work out how to drive a car. After I booked his first lesson he had a bit of an anxiety melt down, so I told him he is doing it. Now he is pleasantly surprised about how good he is and he cant believe he can do it. Again I kind of had to put my foot down and make him do it. Now he feels so much more confidence and is so happy he started and it has done him good.

I feel so awful and worried about his future. I have told him the world is so competitive and him not putting effort in whilst his peers do will affect his opportunities.

Does anyone else have a child like this and could they share experiences of what works and the best approach please?

Especially with boys some grow up slower than others.

Whenever I get stressed about this I think about my own dad.

Did rubbish in his first degree back in the olden days. Spent his 20s travelling and dossing, working odd jobs. Went back to uni in his late 20s and did something that actually interested him. Met my mum in his 30s and settled down, had a career etc. Had me and my siblings. Life is long and a person needs to be intrinsically motivated. For my dad, my mum and wanting a family life was that motivation.

Yelling at him doesn't seem to be doing anything more than making him pay you lip service. The real change will come from him in time, he just needs to be ready. Don't spoil your relationship as he'll leave home soon enough. Love him and cuddle him and tell him how special he is because you'll miss him when he moves out xx

[TheScenicWay]

@lotis if he can volunteer with cats, then great but he'll learn some valuable skills wherever he volunteers. My ds and friends all volunteered in the kind of places listed. They helped to run clubs in the library, helped out with donations in charity shops, visited care homes and worked in stables.
They probably weren't thrilled about doing it but knew it's about gaining skills and having something to put on their cv or personal statement for uni.

I agree that sometimes you do have to take a no nonsense approach. It's about placing those stepping stones.

[BoohooWoohoo]

Yanbu to worry about this. If he can’t self motivate now then university is going to end up being a costly mistake when he doesn’t keep up and there’s nobody keeping an eye on him. Shoutinh might get him through A-levels but he could bomb at university instead.
The good thing about Sixth Form is that you can redo the year if he bombs. Maybe not at his current school but it might wake him up.

[nevergetusedtoit]

Procrastination is a fear and anxiety response. Its avoiding how doing the work will make him feel.

My son is younger (11) but sounds a similar personality to yours. Low confidence, convinced he will fail so avoids trying. Not very academic, hates school work. I am very worried about him.

[shepherdsangeldelight]

It sounds like he is overwhelmed (and possibly scared of doing the wrong thing) and it's translating into intertia.

I think this is a question of picking your battles. But agree that screaming and shouting will only damage your relationship and may not actually help.

Doing A Levels after mainly 5s at GCSE is potentially hard work. Is he in Year 12 or Year 13? If he's in Year 12 and struggling, it might be an option to swap to vocational quals rather than sticking with the A Levels?

Not having a week's work experience on his CV will not make a blind bit of difference. Would he be motivated by actually getting a part time job? All of my DC and their friends have had jobs at sixth form and loved having their own money.

Regarding researching accountancy. Rather than expecting him to do it himself, why not sit with him and talk him through what he has to do? If he's lacking confidence he's probably scared to start.

[lotis]

@BoohooWoohoo Oh no he will not be going to university for all the reasons that you have stated and also because he doesn't want to. He wants to do an apprenticeship and I agree this would be so much better for him.

[beAsensible1]

He might be the sort of kid that’s needs a push. As someone said earlier get him into something extra curricular that requires discipline.

sit down with him and see what he needs to do to get on an accountancy track.

get him to create a weekly study plan and enforce it. Ask him how he thinks he gets distracted and help him to practise his discipline.

would pomodoro method work better for him?
You can absolutely teach him to create better habits and approach life a bit more focus.

he can get the focus app for his phone and computer which limits social media and phone distractions during focus/study periods

[lotis]

@MyLemonBee I agree he is probably paying me lip service at the moment, but already there is some momentum. The personal tutor has now just emailed him a career day at an Accountancy firm local to us that he would never had known about if I had not had to give him a good bloody scolding about using his resources whilst he has that invaluable support.

I hope that I dont have to make him go, as I think he will feel anxious about going on his own and feel self conscious. However feeling the fear and doing it anyway is a must, as referenced by him doing his driving lessons and seeing that he can "work a car"!

I agree that some people find their path eventually, but equally the worrying rise in NEETS also suggest that many don't. Once you are in that pattern it destroys your confidence and it is extremely difficult to find people to give you a chance.

[lotis]

@shepherdsangeldelight Thats the thing I don't expect him to do it alone. He literally knows I will drop everything to help him. That is what I fond frustrating.

Others have suggested all the things I do and already have done. Ive paid for expensive tutors too for years

@beAsensible1 I have literally done all that, but he argues with me when he doesnt stick to it and I try to enforce it. I will try this again though, as he sees the progress he makes after I do enforce things. I will look up the pomodoro method again as I am familiar with that.

Fear and anxiety and probably fear of failure definitely plays a part. He has played football since he was 4 and was scouted by a premier league team and a champions league team. It is so competitive and he didnt make it in one wanted to leave the other as he fidnt know the boys and was picked last because of that. That really affected him. So then didnt want to play for a year after it happened, he still played but lost a lot of enthusiam for a time. Plus my DH and I were having work worries at that time and it affected his football alot.

He has been asked to play in the 1st team a number of times, as he is too good for the team he plays in now, but he wont and will only play in a lower league with his friend who only wanted to play in a lower league!

So although football taught him fitness and discipline, I suspect his confidence was affected and he is quite a sensitive boy.

Thank you for all your suggestions, I am going to try the calm ways first again!

[lotis]

@nevergetusedtoit It is a worry isnt it? I guess building confidence in any way they can will be helpful. Its finding the way that is key I guess, but I do think a bit of a push is definitely needed as the mire sonething is done the more confidence they can build if its the right thing fir them.

[BertieBotts]

Following as my 15yo (y10) is similar and I keep getting torn between whether to push or whether to leave him to it as he is bumbling along okay, but I know (and he knows) he could do better if he put more time/effort into it.

DH and I have settled on a plan where we will carve out some time to ask him where he would like to be in ten years (not expecting any answer other than "dunno" here - but hoping to get a conversation going about the idea of making a longer term plan, even if it's a bit of a fuzzy aim) and then help him break that down into a plan of what needs to be achieved, by when and the steps to get there. Then fingers crossed that he sees the point a bit more and is open to offers of help with stuff like reminders to study, do school work etc.

I know that it's normal at this age not to be looking further into the future and basically he is doing the minimum required not to get into trouble at school - which is great and honestly I do understand that is hugely positive in itself. It it turns out he is just that sort of chilled personality, that he is happy to do the minimum, stay out of trouble, then I don't mind - it's a legitimate way to be to be fair. Not everyone is a strive for the best at all times personality. It's when I'm unsure whether he'll look back later and say why on earth did nobody explain to me that I can't just pull it out of the box at the last minute?? Because I do think this is the impression he has now. That he doesn't need to try because he can choose to try when it matters.

[lotis]

@BertieBotts It is such a bonus when they are generally good children and I really do appreciate that.

I think if one is from a wealthy family with a good network and succesful, one can perhaps afford to step back because they will benefit from advantage; otherwise people need to be hungry to succeed or at least make every effort to go for a well-paying career.

[BertieBotts]

Well we certainly aren't that! But I do think you can get by in an average job with an average wage if you want to, no matter your background. Live a simple life etc.