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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

HELP DESPERATE-in a mess

23 replies

wornoutbyarguing · 18/03/2008 13:35

my teenage son 17 1/2 has been a monster.my hubby and I split up 2 weeks ago alot to do with ds and his(DS) behaviour.relate have offered us family counselling which ds refuses to go to .
he hits and punches his little sisiters aged 5 and 6 the minute i turn my back,has raging tantrums telling me to f*k and p*s off all the time,comes in slams doors eats all the food and rages if anyone is on the pc or phone when he demands it.dh came over the other day to see the girls and ds statred raging at us all.we had to make him sign a behaviour contract last year as things were so bad which he wont take any notice of,he pays no keep although gets 120.00 ema while at college and 300.00 earnings from a partime job monthly .his real dad wont see him and the counsellor thought it would be good for him to work this thru he wont do anything for anyone.i cant even leave him in the same room as his sisters because of violence.
.
I have told him to get his stuff and leave he will probably go to his girlfriends and I am scared to take him back as I am so afraid of what he will do to his sisters and me.i cant talk to him as he wont listen i have to send him emails to say anything that needs to be said,
I feel he has to stand on his own two feet and move out am I right as he wont change the way he is and i am truly scared how this will escalate.....

OP posts:

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HonoriaGlossop · 31/03/2008 22:37

wornout, I think you said something SO important in your last post and that's 'it was the first time we had sat and talked properly for years'

KEEP communicating! Tell him how much you enjoyed your talk, and KEEP doing it. I agree his violence in the home can't be tolerated but I think you could view this time while he's at his girlfriend's as a new fresh start for you all to carve out a better relationship

Talk to him as you would a friend or another adult, don't boss him or try to direct him too much; it's time for him to be like a grown up so it's good to treat him that way and hopefully it will be the start of a new way for you to relate to eachother.

i think it would be good to try and see him for a regular meet up each week, if he will do the counselling - great, maybe you could go out together afterwards for a cup of tea or something

Keep seeing him and keep communicating and good luck!

MrsTig · 31/03/2008 22:15

Sorry, there are so many typos in my post because I'm upset.

MrsTig · 31/03/2008 22:14

It's so easy to say Chnge the locks and tell your son to move out. My son is 15 1/2 and violent when he's in a mood. He's hit me tonight but I have to admit I hit him back. I don't see why the hell I should put up with it and not retaliate. He hit me becasue i wouldn't put the internet on for him.

jammi · 20/03/2008 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Piffle · 19/03/2008 11:10

glad to hear your ds is sounding more adult. Good luck and hope your hub and you can work it out xxx

Carmenere · 19/03/2008 10:08

I am really pleased for you wornout, it sounds like the first step to him becoming a mature young man

mellyonion · 19/03/2008 10:01

hi. i read your op yesterday and felt so awful for you. i had no advice at all, but am really pleased to hear of your good chat.

i wish you and your family lots of luck!
x

BearMama · 19/03/2008 08:30

^ That's fantastic. I hope it is the start of an improved relationship for you all.

wornoutbyarguing · 19/03/2008 08:01

thank you for all the advice

my son came to talk to to me and it was the first time we had sat and talked properly for years.
he told me he loved me since he was about ten.he has agreed to stay at his girlfriends house for the time being and come to the family relate sessions with me and hubby.he agrees to go to anger management classes and he even gave his sisters a hug and told them he was sorry he was unkind to them.
we will help find his own place to live and he agrees he would be happier in his own place .
its a start and i hope we can improve on all this.

mums net really is priceless for help and advice.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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getmeouttahere · 18/03/2008 19:58

wornout, omg you poor thing.

I agree, your son has to go. Everything you described in your OP demonstrates he is not functioning as a member of your family.

You must protect your daughters and yourself.

Be strong, the message is anyone who behaves like this does not deserve to be given any more chances.

Tough love it is I think.

wornoutbyarguing · 18/03/2008 17:04

thank you for all your words of support

.my hubby left as I wanted to see if my ds would be better as we were arguing all the time between the 3 of us,he didnt want to leave at all and I insisted we needed some time apart .we had other issues between us too..its since he left 2 weeks ago that ds has been even worse.

my husband is furious that his abscence has seen no change in ds behaviour

ds is going and I have started packing up his stuff to collect.
it feels like I kicked out my husband because he argued with my son over his unacceptable behaviour and now I am doing the same to my son and am bang smack in the middle.
but ultimately my girls deserve better than arguing and an arrogant spiteful brother.

thank you to all I really needed this advice today.

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LooptheLoop · 18/03/2008 15:02

Just to add to that you need to be tough for his sake as well. If not, he's just learning that violence at home is acceptable and I hate to think where that will lead him in life.

You need to protect yourself, your girls and teach him that such dreadful behaviour has consequences.

Good luck and be tough for all your sakes.

BearMama · 18/03/2008 14:50

I agree, the lack of respect and shouting is bad enough but the violence puts it in another realm entirely. Cant really put it better than jammi and edam. ^

jammi · 18/03/2008 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

edam · 18/03/2008 14:24

And chucking him out would show dds that a. you care about them and their safety and b. violence is not on.

edam · 18/03/2008 14:23

Chuck him out. He's old enough to cope, he's earning, and his behaviour at home is appallling. You need to put your dd's first. How DARE he hurt them? What kind of man hits and punches little girls?

Agree with Piffle's suggestions as to what to say to him. Hopefully some distance will help him sort things out.

wornoutbyarguing · 18/03/2008 14:15

he hasnt had violence outside the home its just for the girls,they are confused they cant understand why he hurts them all the time,my 6 year old says he hates us,

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Piffle · 18/03/2008 14:06

do you know if his violence translates to other relationships outside the family. If you give him this space would he pursue contact? Is your relatinship with h salavgeable without ds there?

It sounds like much more than the average teenmeltdown. But if he is refusing all your efforts then you have little choice but to tell him
I love you but understand you cannot live or visit here behaving like this. You sort it out yourself, if
f you want or need my help and are prepared to change then I will help you, just call. Remember I'm your mother. That never changes.

wornoutbyarguing · 18/03/2008 14:04

thank you for your post..
its since he started college last year ,he doesnt do this at his girlfriends house they think he is good as gold and very pleasant.he was assessed for adhd when he was 10 and they concluded he was basically spoilt.
he spends a lot of time there and its just us he doesnt think deserve any respect.i have friends who have remarried and have other children and their kids dont do any of this stuff to my friends.

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Carmenere · 18/03/2008 14:04

Poor you, em-tbh you can't have him behaving like that. Going to college and living with you is a privilege, not a right, if he can earn 300 quid a month it means he is employable so cut him loose, let him look after himself. Sorry that sounds harsh but you have to teach him that he can't behave like that.

Iklboo · 18/03/2008 14:02

17.5 is not a child. Tell him to move out. Violence against children (your girls) is unacceptable.

BearMama · 18/03/2008 13:59

for you.
Has your DS always been like this? Has he ever been assessed for mood disorders like ADHD?

wornoutbyarguing · 18/03/2008 13:53

also forgot to say he hates my husband for no other reason than he has been a father to him ,my gp prescribed valium and antidepressants to cope with ds last november,the only time i can breathe is when ds isnt here,we dont think he has been doing drugs,we are all at a loss to know what to do.he just refuses to do anthing and as he is bigger than me i am scared to physically make him do things.he just wont do anything i ask him ,threats ,bribes,rewards nothing works.

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