13 year old dd starving and cutting herself;

[Spacecadet]

my 13 year old dd has been starving and self harming since feb and i dont know what to do anymore, im a regular poster on mn as I currently have pnd since the birth of dd2 in july, however this problem fist reared its head long before the new baby etc and she has a lot of other deep seated problems, we have tried everything, the school has provided counselling etc and now ive hit a brick wall, please help!

[Spacecadet]

Possibly, being the eldest prob isnt easy, I was an only child so wouldnt know! She has looked at some of the websites I looked at from your links, she was grateful that the self harmer is not portarayed as an attention seeker, thankyou.

[gothicmama]

sorry I have not got back sooner it may that she feels she has a level of responsibility that she is can not cope with by virtue of ebing teh eldest

[Spacecadet]

yes she is gm

[gothicmama]

I really hope you find a way you are doing all teh right things adn teh solution will click into place - Is she teh eldest?

[Spacecadet]

I have printed all the links off..thanks gm

[Spacecadet]

it is difficult..because I have 3 others but I dont get to spend much time wqith her on her own, after my dd was born in july the boys went on holiday and itvwas just me her and dd2 it was lovely..but sadly couldnt last.

[Spacecadet]

Thanks gothicmama, the first one I have printed off and im tempted to send it to her so called caring father.

[gothicmama]

Spacecadet sounds like a good idea - big hugs gm

[gothicmama]

the most simple thing is to avoid stressful situations or to tell people and try and find a compromise - altho sounds like her dad and stepmum would refuse to do this. The breathing technique I learnt was to very slowly breathe in adn out whilst counting to ten if this did not work (at first this never worked) then breathing in a comfortable way imagine either a box or abaloon and either imagine putting in or tieing what is upsetting you to it and then imaginging the box /balloon getting smaller until you feel better about the situation.
I would suggest your dd feels out of control of soem areas of her life is there away you could work togther to help make her fel more secure maybe there is a simple thing that can be done - in my case it was time spent with parents when my siblings were not there for someunknown reason I always felt pushed out. i was not but that was how I felt - please let me know if there is anything further i can do to help

[Spacecadet]

Thanks gothicmama, the first one I have printed off and im tempted to send it to her so called caring father.

[gothicmama]

how family can help
hope this links help a little bit

[Spacecadet]

Thanks miam gothicmama maybe you could give me some advice on the breathing...she does have a dreadful temper..they established at the meeting that she feels insecure in both homes but more so at her fathers and that is fueled when she is told off for something, starting a spiral of more insecurity and awful behaviour, more telling off then she eventually resorts to the destructive behaviour..ie cutting and starving.My dh and I have done everything we can to make her feel ,loved and secure.. then she goes to her dads and he undoes all our good work , she doesnt even have a bedroom there..she sleeps on the living room floor, when she told the child pschycologist that this made her unhappy, he put it in his letter and her stepmum said she was a selfish little cow, she said would you rather I put the baby to sleep in the living room so you can have a bedroom? thet also told her that the reason they never ever take her on family holidays is because he has to pay me maintenance!!!!!!

[gothicmama]

help
also help
\link{http://www.mind.org.uk/Mind/Templates/Content%20(RelatedTopics).aspx?NRMODE=Published&NRORIGINALURL=%2fInformation%2fBooklets%2fUnderstanding%2fUnderstanding%2bself-harm%2ehtm&NRNODEGUID=%7bDCCCFF10-09F3-4EAF-B841-E2B511E1AA4F%7d&NRCACHEHINT=NoModifyGuest#How_can_friends_and_family_help_\how family can help

[miam]

SC have absolutely no good advice to give you unfortunately (as usual!) but really feel for you and your daughter. Wanted to send you hugs and love. Hope you can both get through this tonight. xxx

[gothicmama]

Omg how very uncaring her dad I would try to give her as mucgh love and reassurance as possible both conditions are hard to talk about but she has been talking to you very few people who self harm or are anmorexic tell people about it, so it is not attention seeking merely away of having control or releasing pain- have you tried getting her to do something else when she feel slike self harming - punching a pillow is good or breathing exercises mesditation worked for me - if it would help you or your dd are more than welcome to get in touch with me

[Spacecadet]

dd went to her dads this weekend and phoned in tears tosay that they have ripped her to pieces, apparently they have had a copy of the letter pointing out what was discussed at the appt, they were furious at the inference that they were to blame and have called my dd a silly little attention seeker, who plays mind games. I told her we would pick her up but she sayshe will stay till tomorrow and then come home, then shes not going back for a while, and he wonders why she needs therapy

[pixiefish]

glad things are looking a wee bit better

[Spacecadet]

Went to the appt today , feel like we have turned a corner.DD has agreed to cooperate, they weighed and measured her and said she is undreweight.She has an appt to see their dietician and they are referring her to their mental health team to help her cope with her ohter issues.We were watched through a mirror glass, dd kept waving at them!

[spacedonkey]

Sounds like things are starting to look up for you SC, well done X

[Spacecadet]

we have just had an appt come through, for 4th jan, what a releif, its at the adolescent centre in cambridge, hopefully we are one step further to getting her the help she needs.

[Vic69]

Hi Space Cadet

What a huge worry for you. You've had great advice re the cutting, but just wanted to add that Eating Disorders Association have a great helpline, as well as a message board and an email service. Your daughter may be totally against using their help at the moment, but it sounds as if you could do with loads of support - they are great at talking to parents, explaining stuff, and just being there for you. (OK, I'm biased as I used to work there but they have loads to offer). The homepage is www.edauk.com.
HTH
Vic

[JennisaurusUnderTheMistletoe]

I started self harming when I was 14, for various reasons.

Sometimes its a cry for attention, sometimes its just another way of dealing, its certainly NOT ideal, but it did help me cope with the very tough feelings I was having. I don't advocate it as a coping mechanism at all, but now I look back and understand why I did it.

Does she have a CPN, or access to someone with specific knowledge in the field of self harm? Most decent people don't try to make you stop cutting, they try to help you deal with how you feel, so you don't need to cut kwim?

I don't know how to say this, so please don't take it the wrong way. PLEASE make sure she takes care of her cuts, provide sterile dressings and antiseptic creams and such. Cuts can get infected, and properly dressed cuts scar so much less.

If she is ODing on paraceamol you need to keep an eye on her, very small amounts can cause liver damage, if it happens again and she takes more than 10/12 take her to A&E just to make sure she is ok.

I don't know what to say really. If you want more info please CAT me.

Oh and BUS message board (bodies under seige) can provide very useful, drama free advice to families of self harmers.

[Spacecadet]

she has definately got worse since she started her periods, without a doubt

[mumwithnoname]

//[[hugs]]

[jollymum]

Nothing helpful to add but sending hugs. I think, IMHO, it may be hormone related plus dad having other kids. My 9 year old daughter is dreadful, just about once a month, even though she hsn't started periods yet. Lovexxxxxxx