13 year old twins always fighting

[FireUnicorn]

I've got 5 children my oldest two are 13 year old twins boy and girl.

My twin son is a bit off a bully to all his siblings but more so to his twin sister. Since the lockdown they have been constantly at each other and can't even sit in the same room as one another without fighting. A few times my son has really hurt one off them and I'm fed up with all the tears and worried at leaving them alone together.

Trying to do anything as a family just isn't working at the moment most weekend we are outside and all my children compete in in bike racing which seams to be the only time they get on with each other so they can be nice lol.

How do you deal with teens fighting with each other?

[Fleetheart]

@bloomingwonderful; this is a support website not a be nasty website. For anyone who has not walked in the shoes of OP, please try and understand her. With 5 children on your own it can be very difficult; you are literally outnumbered. And without a supportive partner it is even harder. Not all children are paragons of virtue whatever your parenting skills are. I have one paragon and one of the other kind; it is very disheartening and difficult so give OP your best tips.

[bloomingwonderful]

Give over. Maybe people should start thinking of the children before being so selfish.


you are literally outnumbered

Well they didn't appear all by themselves.

There are 5 children. Who are either being bullied or that Op is unable to control or discipline. OP wants help fine. But I am sick to death of seeing that sort of self pitying BS.

The children didn't ask for this.

[Fleetheart]

@bloomingwonderful; think about it- attacking the OP isn’t really going to help any of the kids is it?

[bloomingwonderful]

Well neither is her saying poor me.
She needs to accept what she's messed up and get real.

[midwestspring]

I would suggest that the first thing you and DH need to do is work out a joint strategy for parenting, including rewards and consequences.

If your husband is very punitive with your ds then it wouldn't be that surprising if your ds in turn becomes punitive with other family members he perceives as weaker.

[midwestspring]

Download some parenting books ASAP.
Decide a strategy between two parents.
Sit the dc down and get their input on it.
Listen to what they all say.
Amend the strategy if needed.
Prepare for a tough few days and implement the strategy.
Review strategy with DH after a few days and then review with all family.
Adapt as needed.

[midwestspring]

I agree with @Wearywithteens

[FireUnicorn]

Thank you all I have order the siblings without rivalry book.

Not sure what you problem is Bloomingwonderful it's not easy raising 5 children during a lockdown while your mostly on your own! With one child with special needs who needs most off the attention! I'm trying my best to juggle homeschooling and everything out off routine.

Yes Hubby doesn't agree with how I parent as he says I'm to soft with them but I do discipline them!! I came here to look for other ways to try and use that might work a lot better.

[Heygirlheyboy]

I think the book will give you a plan and some insight op, best of luck.

[cauliflowersqueeze]

As your son has his own room I think ask him to go in there and that you want to speak to him properly at, say 9am and to be ready. Calm and measured.

Go in at 9am and insist he sits and looks at you properly. Tell him all the things you really like about him and empathise with how difficult it is at the moment for everyone.
Then tell him that you don’t like the way he treats people - it shows a lack of respect for them but also a lack of self-respect because anyone who treats others like that has a very poor opinion of themselves to allow themselves to behave like that. Explain it’s fully normal to feel irritated by others but it’s not acceptable to say or do mean things and that from now on when that happens he will go straight to his room and you will be removing his phone for an hour and he stays in his bedroom. At the end of the hour if he has not disturbed anyone and he apologises then he gets his phone back and can come out. Any whining or demanding during the hour will mean a 5 minute delay on getting it back. Write all this down and put it up in his room. make sure he understands it so that when you have to follow through you can tell him that he is choosing to behave like this so he knows the consequence. Keep a copy for yourself so that you have your plan to hand.

You need to do the same with his sister as well - she will very likely be contributing as well - they’re not angel and devil.

Be consistent and follow through. Do not leave it to your husband.

Furious though he might be the first time it happens, inside your son (and other kids) will be thrilled that mum can sort them out and manage them properly.

[Elieza]

I agree with cauliflower. You have to do something yourself. And mean it, own it, and follow through in it. You’ve raised a bully between the two of you and they can really destroy other kids. I’m glad you are now doing something about it.

The trouble with partners having different ways of disciplining is that they think the other is too harsh/soft so they go even more the other way to make up for the perceived lack of it from the other parent! So the harsh one gets worse and the soft one gets softer!

To be honest your dp sounds too harsh. So that implies you are prob too soft. Which sounds the case.

Try cauli’s suggestions. You need to act at the time the bad behaviour is happening. He has to stay in his room. No ‘but I needed a drink’ etc behaviour and excuses to get out as you know he’ll pull her hair or something on the way by.

It would be better if you could discuss the parenting strategy with your husband. Perhaps have a reward chart or something for all the children. Please don’t have any more kids!

[FireUnicorn]

@cauliflowersqueeze and @Elieza thank you I've been trying to message much earlier but it's been a busy day!

I sat down and spoke to him this morning he said he only does it as he's bored and frustrated as he now not allowed out anymore. He did apologise. We talked about what is happening right now in the world and its not just us but we can get trough it. A so much nicer and calmer household today from the children. He's even offered to help out with the younger children.

I have tried talking to hubby about the children but he doesn't want to know! Tried to get him to take the oldest 3 for a walk this afternoon as he's now off work and he couldn't be bothered and has spent most off his day infront off the computer playing games.

[Heygirlheyboy]

Well done, already an improvement is heartening for you and I'm sure he appreciated your approach. Very annoying re your dh. Hopefully you'll manage a chat. I know myself how difficult when you're both on different pages on discipline/general attitude to children.

[Electrical]

What a dreadful man. Why did he keep producing offspring when he has no interest in parenting them? Make sure your contraception is rock solid, OP.

[converseandjeans]

fire that sounds positive. If DS is bored maybe put him in charge of something e.g. he's PE teacher and gets them doing something active same time & he makes routine up, he could cook something - depends what he likes doing? He might like being in charge of something & he can spend time planning.

[converseandjeans]

Also rewards work really well with teenage boys (yes I know it's sexist) so find a way to build up some points and he gets treat end of lockdown.

[FireUnicorn]

@Electrical he's not always been like this! He's getting worse. Dread now he's at home full time now. Although he's been ok today.

Thank you all today we have came up with a new routine which we are starting tomorrow.

@converseandjeans he's asked for a new game so I will use that as a reward

[converseandjeans]

Good luck 👍
I think anyone having 5 children of different ages all home during lockdown would find it a challenge. Unless you're Mary Poppins 😂