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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Night time curfew

73 replies

EloDeeDee · 19/10/2019 14:18

Hi I'm looking for other people's opinions really on something that happened last night. We live in a large town where teenagers have a bad reputation with some of the locals for causing trouble (throwing eggs being loud and hanging out in large groups mainly). Now I'm the mother of a 15 year old daughter who has a curfew of 8.30pm but last night she asked to stay at a friend's house but said they were staying in. Her friends mother is aware of my daughters curfew. At about 9pm we tried to check on her to make sure she was where she should be and was she was OK. We couldn't get hold of her so I messaged her friends mother who said she was in the shower. Finally got hold of my daughter and cutting out all the little details of how we caught her out, it turned out she was lying and the friends mother had allowed her to stay out till 10pm. My husband collected our daughter and banned her from staying there again. I'm most angry about the friends mother lying to me apparently it's happened numerous times before. Just wanted thought and options on this really.

OP posts:

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PennysPocket · 19/10/2019 15:25

You sound just like my parents.

It was shit being a teen with overly strict parents.
I struggled to maintain friendships as I missed out on stuff when I had to be in at 8:30pm. I was also permanently embaressed and babied by them.
It did me no favours at all because by the time I was 17 I pushed for more freedom it caused conflict at home I hated my parents and frankly I was not Street smart at all so I ended up being more at risk.

She should not have lied but you forced her in to an impossible situation by checking up on her.
Be aware OP you are probably doing more harm than good by keeping such a tight hold on her.
Try to compromise instead.

titchy · 19/10/2019 15:31

To be blunt if she's hanging around in gangs when the opportunity arises you've already got it very wrong....

Sagradafamiliar · 19/10/2019 15:32

The OP compromised by allowing her out later as she trusted to be at a friend's house. Part of a compromise is also that she'd be contactable. If you want to be out, then you can manage a quick text or call to 'check in'. That's not 'embarrassing', it's a reasonable expectation.

fikel · 19/10/2019 15:37

A 15 year and your curfew as you call it is massively restrictive. I have a 14 year old, depending on where she is and what’s she is doing then we work through times together.
She will rebel against your ridged way of dealing with things. Remember you were once a teenager too

PennysPocket · 19/10/2019 15:38

It was not a compromise. OP let her DD sleep at a friends but still expected the 8:30 curfew. That's why I feel it put her DD in an awful position as the friend is allowed to stay out later so probably put the pressure on DD a bit to stay out too as she was sleeping over.

Mumofboth · 19/10/2019 15:50

I totally agree that the mother shouldn’t have lied to you, I wouldn’t trust her again.
BUT I live in a shit part of London with high crime rates and am considered one of the strictest parents of my DD’s friendship group and at 15 she was out till around 11pm. Not hanging around the streets. Going bowling, to ice-cream parlours or friends houses. We talk about EVERYTHING and we drop her off and pick her up. There are ways to keep them safe and cared for without isolating them which is what will happen you are too strict.

yawnhedehihi · 19/10/2019 16:01

Even though it's wrong to lie I can see why the parent did because you are quite overbearing. I wouldn't expect your house rules to be carried over to another persons house. There are teenagers hanging around in every city because there is not much for them to do. If you trust your daughter why not trust her to do the the right thing and loosen the reins a little.

Sagradafamiliar · 19/10/2019 16:05

No, Pennys, the OP said that she was allowed out later as she was at a friend's. She was called at 9 to check she was where she had agreed to be.

PennysPocket · 19/10/2019 16:22

who has a curfew of 8.30pm but last night she asked to stay at a friend's house but said they were staying in. Her friends mother is aware of my daughters curfew. At about 9pm we tried to check on her to make sure she was where she should be and was she was OK.

It says in the OP "to stay at her friends house"
Her DD was staying over otherwise why would she lie about getting a shower there?

ShadowOnTheSun · 19/10/2019 16:23

8.30???? Jesus... Poor kid.

user1487194234 · 19/10/2019 16:37

IMHO 8.30 is far too early and this kind of strict parenting leads to the kids lying etc
A friend of my DC has been under a lot of restrictions and she was always lying to her parents about where she was ,I thought this was much riskier
Now they are a bit older the other girl drinks more than the rest of them and is taking drugs

EloDeeDee · 19/10/2019 16:37

I think some people are not quite getting it she's allowed to friends house, she's allowed bowling, cinema.,clubs etc until 11pm or whenever she finishes proving she's seen home or collected by ourselves. She's allowed to hang out in town all day if she so wishes. She has friends over and she sleeps out. She is not hanging out I gangs that are causing trouble she's wanting to hang out with a large group of friends in town. During the summer her curfew is much later but during the winter I do not want her hanging on the streets. Is that so bad?? I have two grown up children who stayed living at home into their twenty they're law abiding adults with good jobs and manners who come to visit us through out the week so please don't judge my parenting skills.

OP posts:

Dustybun · 19/10/2019 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oly4 · 19/10/2019 16:47

The mum shouldn’t have lied but actually, I think in her house it’s her rules. Your daughter was staying there so her rules apply.
8.30 is far too strict, 15-year-olds do hang around parks etc, that’s what they do

titchy · 19/10/2019 17:04

I'm not sure what your objection to her being out after 8.30 is. If she was in a gang of trouble makers I could understand, but you said she's not, she's just with a group of friends. If she's out and in a group that's pretty safe - why do you think undesirables would pounce on her - she's not alone or vulnerable if she's in a group.

Checking up on her when she was at a friends house is pretty crap of you, although not condoning the friends mother at all.

LemonPrism · 19/10/2019 17:09

At 15 my mum left me alone every weekend while she went to work.

You're being a bit weird, at her house the girls follow her rules not yours and 9pm in a Friday night is very early for a 15 yo. On a weekend I'd say 11.30 is reasonable

EloDeeDee · 19/10/2019 17:13

There are gangs that cause trouble there's fighting and drinking and taking drugs that would start on the younger children but all later at night. I want her in before these things happen. I don't think checking on my daughter is shit it's just making sure she's safe if I didn't care that would be shit. You obviously allow your children out later and don't check on them but I won't judge you for that. Opinions are welcome but judging is wrong.

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multiplemum3 · 19/10/2019 17:16

Why do you think you can dictate rules at someone else's house?

EloDeeDee · 19/10/2019 17:18

She's my daughter she either sticks to the rules don't stay out.

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Hairsprayqueeen · 19/10/2019 17:18

830pm is very unreasonable and not normal ime. She's an adult in 3 years time, how can you expect her to manage herself and be aware of her own boundaries and social circle if she has a curfew a lot of 9 year olds have ?

LemonPrism · 19/10/2019 17:21

Actually I see your update though, yes if the curfew is only on hanging around on the streets then 9.30 is probably better than 11.30.

And the mum should not have lied

EloDeeDee · 19/10/2019 17:21

Flipping heck I don't know where you live but social services would be rang if there were 9 year olds wandering the streets at 8.30pm.

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Lunafortheloveogod · 19/10/2019 17:22

The 15year olds out to 11 are the ones wrecking our town.. literally smashing places up, throwing planks of wood at pregnant women or at moving cars. Terrorising adults never mind what they do to other kids. People are literally looking for a 9pm weekday and 10pm weekend curfew for anyone under 18 so people can walk the streets without dodging broken glass or half a brick.

The mother should never have lied, what if you’d called because someone of dd’s description had been picked up by police/ambulance unconscious.. or she was one of the gangs near us. 8.30 is a tad early but if she’s just raking about the streets what’s there actually to do that they couldn’t do in a friends house? (Where she’s fine till 11) .

I remember being in by 9.30 by her age.. regardless of where I was (the late buses were hourly and the last got in at half 10 so obviously any later with me running late I’d have been stranded) this was just as mobiles came properly out but it wasn’t common to have credit.

Pumpkintopf · 19/10/2019 17:42

Op you're absolutely right and not being unreasonable at all in allowing your daughter to be out doing activities as long as collected etc - you sound like a very sensible and fair mum.

I would be absolutely furious at this other mother deliberately colluding with your teen to deceive you. Totally unacceptable and she'd never be allowed to stay there again if it was my daughter.

EloDeeDee · 19/10/2019 18:12

Thank you at last some understanding parents. I have on reflection you'll be pleased to know told her she has to be in at 9pm tonight but I'll worried sick until she returns.

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