Night time curfew

[EloDeeDee]

Hi I'm looking for other people's opinions really on something that happened last night. We live in a large town where teenagers have a bad reputation with some of the locals for causing trouble (throwing eggs being loud and hanging out in large groups mainly). Now I'm the mother of a 15 year old daughter who has a curfew of 8.30pm but last night she asked to stay at a friend's house but said they were staying in. Her friends mother is aware of my daughters curfew. At about 9pm we tried to check on her to make sure she was where she should be and was she was OK. We couldn't get hold of her so I messaged her friends mother who said she was in the shower. Finally got hold of my daughter and cutting out all the little details of how we caught her out, it turned out she was lying and the friends mother had allowed her to stay out till 10pm. My husband collected our daughter and banned her from staying there again. I'm most angry about the friends mother lying to me apparently it's happened numerous times before. Just wanted thought and options on this really.

[BackforGood]

I'm totally with you too OP

Firstly, of course YANBU about being angry your dd's friend's mother lied to you. I would be really angry too.

Secondly, re the question you didn't ask us all about, YANBU either.
Yes, my dc are out later than that on a regular basis, but my dc aren't 'hanging round the streets'. I am totally on the same page as you about all my dc needing to be 'safe' - surely that is an important part of parenting. (All of mine are 18+ now, before someone asks if my dc are still little).

[EloDeeDee]

Yes I have said that it's only hanging out on the streets have the issue with she's allowed to have friend over or stay at friends, cinema etc just not hanging out on the streets late at night. She has lots of freedom as long as she's up to date on her school work she has a very healthy social life. My main issue is being lied to by another parent if she'd have said my daughter was still out I would have respected the fact that she thought it was OK for my daughter to do what hers did whilst at hers but because I'd told my daughter she was only allowed to sleep out if she was in by 8.30 I'd have just punished my daughter for lying.

[Meanderer]

My daughter is 14.5 and I wouldn't let her hang out after dark anywhere outside either, it's just not safe in a city suburb - and yes in winter that does mean after 5 - she walks home through a park in summer but in winter she has to take the longer route on the streets. She has plenty of freedom to go and do actual stuff at places or people's houses till whatever time they finish (or till maybe 9 on a school night) - she lets me know where she's going and roughly when til, any changes she lets me know.

I'd be really cross at the other mum for lying to you, maybe she was a bit scared you'd be cross with her so tried to talk herself out of it but she's just made it worse. Banning your DD from going there might be counterproductive though..Perhaps if you can bear to talk to her about it you can get through to her.

[twosoups1972]

@EloDeeDee I take it you allow her out later than 8.30 when it's a party or other activity? As I said, I don't think the problem is with the timing, it's with the activity. Mine have never shown any interest in hanging around outside, tbh it sounds quite boring (and cold!) but if they did I wouldn't like them doing it either.

[EloDeeDee]

I'm so pleased to be getting a bit of support for a while there I thought my daughter was the only 15 year old not on the street at night. If I didn't know better I'd think most of the posts had been written by teenagers and not responsible parents.

[isitxmasyet]

I’m absolutely amazed at most of the replies here saying they would let a 15 year old hang around outside in a busy town until 10/11pm

I would most certainly not

Yes being out later if at an event or bowling or out to eat etc fine
Hanging out in the park in summer when the evenings are light ok

But dark winter when the pubs get busy and the trouble kicks off in town-my teenagers would be off those streets too
They can bring friends home or go to a friends house for later sure but not hang out outside

OP was doing just this and said later is fine as at a friends

The friends mum lying and saying she was in the shower when she was out is awful. Really awful. You don’t lie to a parent about the whereabouts of their child and I’m really shocked this isn’t getting more criticism

OP the way you are parenting sounds fine to me

[SunshineDays2019]

I totally agree with how you are parenting your daughter. We were exactly the same with our now 17 year old. In when its dark but no problem much later when doing an activity, cinema, bowling, out for food, friends house, parties etc. My DD is happy, well balanced, close relationship with us, and says was always happy with our rules knowing we put her safety first. More scares now her boyfriend and some of her friends are driving...the worry never stops!

[Bouledeneige]

Well as its winter going after dark really is a fact of life. Of course I don't know what your area is like and if they are hanging out in gangs with knives and bikes running county lines thats different. Or intimidating old people or hanging outside chippies and off licences asking for people to buy them alcohol or doing drugs - I get that. But is that really what they are doing?

Usually isn't it just a bunch of teenagers on a bench having a laugh?
In my area the kids did sometimes hangout round benches or in parks (or on the disused railway line) - particularly in the summer but also in the winter. Generally the cold would drive them indoors after a while.

So long as they were with friends and in a group I didn't spend my time policing what they were up to. There is very little for young people to do. They do mostly spend time at house parties, motes or round at friends houses but sometimes they hung around outside. Mine are both very sensible - they look after themselves and their friends. They still have a good time but make their own minds up about what they are comfortable with and can handle - they always tell me where they are going and what they were up to if they changed their plans. At that age they would leave parties if it was too druggie or they got pissed off by the behaviour. They let me know when they are on their way home. I have genuinely not had to worry about their choices.

I certainly wouldn't set an 8.30 or 9pm curfew!

[crimsonlake]

I am with you op, I never ever allowed mine to hang out on street in the evening. What is out there for them on the streets?
Unless it as a holiday mine also never really went out in the evenings and if they did they went to each others houses and hung out.

[twosoups1972]

I think that's what the op's curfew is all about

Makes no sense then, unless the curfew is 4.30pm in the winter months

[WatcherintheRye]

Going out after dark is a fact of life

Of course. When it's for a purpose - going somewhere, to do something. Is it really desirable for gangs of teens to be hanging around a park after dark, though? I think that's what the op's curfew is all about.

My ds15 doesn't have a curfew per se, but if I knew he was going to be at the park to play football, let's say, I would expect him to come home, or go back to a friend's when it became too dark to play, not just aimlessly hang around for hours.

[twosoups1972]

I have 2 teen dds and one nearly teen and I have never imposed a strict curfew. It's silly really, a pointless rule just for the sake of it. It depends on the situation surely?

When mine go to parties, they usually finish at 11 ish. Sometimes earlier, sometimes a bit later. They're in someone's house, hanging out with friends, they're safe.....it's not such a big deal if they stay an extra half hour or whatever.

OP, I don't think the issue is with the curfew, it's with the hanging out on the streets full stop. Even if you continue with this 8.30pm curfew, your dd could still be hanging out on the streets getting into mischief before then.

[Bouledeneige]

I've never had a curfew for my kids. I don't think its realistic or fair - they need to learn to handle themselves and situations - our job is to let them learn to be independent. In fact they have rarely been out way too late so they have acted responsibly within the freedom given. 8.30pm is really early - it must be very embarrassing for your DD.

At that age my Mum used to want me to be in at midnight. I used to stay at my best friends house so we could be later (we didnt stay out much later but it was easier to have the flexibility if we were getting a lift from someone else). My Mum didn't impose rules on me at other people's houses.

Clearly the other Mum doesnt expect her child to be in by 8.30pm so you were expecting her daughter to have to live by your rules. In which case, you will have to stop your daughter staying at her friends houses in case they are allowed out later. Hmmm, poor kid. Going out after dark is a fact of life - and a 15 yr old is going to have to get used to doing that aren't they.

[TrainspottingWelsh]

I'm not surprised she lied with such an early curfew, and the ott checking up.

Be realistic, do you think when this sleepover was arranged she would have had any hope of telling the rest of her friends they all had to be in for 8.30 and them all willingly agreeing to your rules? That's if she wasn't too embarrassed to bring it up at all. It was either lie, or not go at all.

Clearly your method isn't working because you didn't know where she was. Not to mention that if I lived in an area that I thought so dangerous I'd want to make damn sure my dc could call me for a lift or help at anytime. Not placing themselves in danger because they were worried about my reaction when I discovered they weren't adhering to my ott rules.

Friends mum shouldn't have lied. But unless she was confident enough to say she wasn't willing to enforce your rules on the other dc, including her own, you put her on the spot by raising it with her. You didn't want her curfew with your dc, no reason she is obligated to follow yours for her dc.

[PointlessUsername]

I make you right and my DD 16 is not allowed out at that time of night. Ok if at cinema ect but would be collected.

[TheVoiceInTheShed]

I can not for the life of me understand why you were getting a hard time from PP
I completely agree with you and also would not let my 15 year old hang around after dark for hours either. You have made it quite clear you don't mean if your DD was doing an activity, then it would be later obviously.
I think even in a 'good area' you are asking for trouble letting 15 year olds hang around on the streets at night.
The mother was very wrong to lie to you, I would be angry too.

[WatcherintheRye]

Is it normal for them to just hang around in the dark

No, it absolutely isn't, in our neck of the woods! Parties, gatherings, sleepovers, cinema, meals, etc. yes, of course, much later, with parents picking up afterwards. No way on earth would ds15 or any of his mates be just hanging around in parks or town after 8.30 when it's dark, nor has it ever been mooted as something they'd want to do. (Maybe they're just soft southerners )

[mcmen05]

@EloDeeDee I really hate lies the mum was totally out of order.
I am the same as you constantly worry until my dd is home.
My dd is now 16 and was at a disco last night.so was later but I hate her going to certain areas of town where gangs off teens hang out. I have went and collected her a couple of times early when I see she is their.

[CIT80]

I agree with you OP no way my 15 year old would be allowed to just hang around the streets till that time of night.

The other parent covering for her and telling you she was in the shower is unforgivable and I would have reacted exactly the same as you

[EloDeeDee]

Do you let your child hang around the street? You don't live in my town.

[Oblomov19]

8.30pm? @ 15?

Ds1 is year 11, nearly 16, goes to parties till 11pm. All parents pick up all the children on the dot.

On a Friday or Saturday he's allowed out till 10pm. Big groups, they are all lovely. They go to Wagamama's or Nando's and then come home. But admittedly, We live in very naice ham towns and there is no trouble.

I think you are being completely ott.

[Wizzbangpop]

Yabu when it comes to things like curfews I don't think they should be enforced when staying over at other people's houses. Very much their house their rules.

[EloDeeDee]

Thank you at last some understanding parents. I have on reflection you'll be pleased to know told her she has to be in at 9pm tonight but I'll worried sick until she returns.

[Pumpkintopf]

Op you're absolutely right and not being unreasonable at all in allowing your daughter to be out doing activities as long as collected etc - you sound like a very sensible and fair mum.

I would be absolutely furious at this other mother deliberately colluding with your teen to deceive you. Totally unacceptable and she'd never be allowed to stay there again if it was my daughter.