Feel like we are on the verge of severe MH issues- tried everything, need help

[Louloubelle78]

Hi everyone. So here is a bit of background for you. I live with partner, my son (8) and my partner's step-daughter who is 15. She lives with us full time, since Y7. Mum literally lives at the bottom of the road. Relationship is good between all the adults. Mum has had some MH problems which is why we have SD. Although she is better now, she doesn't really make much of an effort to see her. It should be EOW and Wednesday eve. Frequently she has plans and step daughter stays with us. She is not a bad person, but just trying to say she could be more present now she is feeling better, as she wants a better relationship with her daughter.

There is an older step daughter 23. She has had severe MH issues still battling them lives with mum. She was with us until last year but she was taking a lot of drugs, smashing up the house etc, so not safe for other two kids. After a stint in The Priory she went to her mums. All relevant info hopefully. Me and OH have been together 6 years, lived together for 2. Did it all slowly etc. He is an incredibly caring father and the following situation is really getting to him and I am fresh out of ideas of how to help.

Up to about Y7 15 year old step-daughter was happy, confident, lots of friends. Then typical puberty mood swings etc nothing out of the ordinary. For the last three years since Year 9 she has become really withdrawn. She is often very anxious about simple day to day situations. She has become very awkward especially around strangers, shyness but 10 times worse. All she wants to do is sit in her room. She behaves strangely to situations or might say strange things, I think this is part of the awkwardness. It has taken years of slowly slowly to build a relationship with her, it I would say it is now good and she is comfortable around me.

So the obvious reasons are potentially linked to what I wrote above. She has also said she doesn't have many friends at school to hang out with. We think it is because she has refused social events and now these kids just get the impression she doesn't want to be their friend. She has done the same with some lovely girls her age next door but one. So we don't think there is any bullying and the Head of Year has had his eye out too.

We took her to see a psychologist recently, mainly just so she had an outlet and someone she felt she could talk to openly. We made it clear this is what is was for and she was happy to go. She won't open up to anyone, recently. Me and OH have talked endlessly about the right thing to do. Provided loads of open and comfortable opportunities to talk without pressuring her. She normally will talk to me as I am a bit out of the situation, we have a lovely relationship. Recently she has clammed up with me too. Tried to help with some coping mechanisms for school e.g. basic openers to talk to people. We always try and model the right behaviour, a bit of chit chat with someone in a queue or at the shop...I know a lot teenagers would find it embarrassing but she is mortified. We have a strong family network and all the women have tried at various times to get her to talk, baking sessions, shopping etc....nothing. My son has anxiety as a result of his autism, so I have been on some great course and have good books on this and I did a child CBT course. Not trying to sound like a know it all but I had some tools to try with her.....still nothing.

Deep down I think my partner is petrified she will turn out like her sister. We are worried she is coming to a time in her life when this issue will affect her chances with college, building relationships etc. We are also incredibly worried about her mental health now too. The psychologist won't see her now because nothing is 'wrong' we think she may have still been holding back.

Any advice, 'I've been there' type responses gratefully received.

[Lara53]

Has she been assessed for possible ASC?

[Louloubelle78]

@Lara53, interesting you should say that as I thought the same. My son is autistic and I did think potentially there was something there. However, she seemed totally until about Y8. Very chatty, in an appropriate way, no issues with friends or engaging with others. So I am not sure if it could be that. Interesting you picked it up from what I wrote though.

[InsulatedCup]

Hello Lou
I would also consider whether your daughter might be on the autistic spectrum. Girls present differently from boys as they can "learn" social behaviour. My DD started having mental health difficulties at around 16 years old, finally diagnosed at aged 19. Before 16, there was no way anyone might have suggested she was autistic - no issues with friends, reasonably appropriate, high achieving, then fell apart basically as the world became more complex.