DD’s friend (12) says she is having regular sex

[Funsize]

I have NC for this. Sorry this will be long.

DD (who is almost 13 and in Yr 8) has a friend at school who is pretty screwed up at the moment. She has been in quite a bit of trouble at school lately. She has got in a fight with another girl, has had the school confiscate her phone twice for using it in lessons and she has had some pretty big bust-ups with her parents of late (I have had her Mum have to come and pick her up from our house after school because she came without telling them when she was grounded). I don’t know her parents particularly well.

DD confided in me last week that she is really worried about her friend and she thinks she is completely out of control and acting dangerously. Apparently she says that she is having regular sex and that she lost her virginity Xmas last year, when she was 11. DD says that she is very graphic with the details. The friend doesn’t have a boyfriend and when DD asked who she is having sex with she says that it is with boys she meets at parties. Apparently she goes out to parties a lot (with another group of friends that DD doesn’t know and didn’t even know existed) and gets drunk. She says that she also goes up to London on the train and meets an older boy that she has sex with. There are a few other friends that also know and whenever they try and quiz her on details she is quite vague but is then very graphic when describing the sex. I am inclined to think that she lying but even that in itself is very worrying!

The friend is very volatile, manic one minute and then depressed and in tears the next. There have been quite a few parties in their year group of late and all the girls take it in turns to get ready round someone’s house. This girl always dresses highly provocatively and is wearing thongs and push-up bras, which I think is highly inappropriate at 12 years old. She is totally boy-crazy and obsesses about one boy after the other at school. Nobody knows who the boys are that she says she is having sex with. They don’t go to the same school, in fact DD doesn’t even know how old they are supposed to be. Friend has days when when she is texting DD on insta saying that she hates herself and that even her parents don’t love her and that she’d be better off dead. But then she’s manic and completely hyper the next 2 days. Friend says that she hates her parents and wishes that she didn’t have to leave with them.

I don’t know what to do. DD is so worried about her, enough to tell me about it. I am now obviously worried and don’t know if I should speak to the Mum about it? DD is petrified and begging me not to as her friend will hate her. But I’m so worried in case it’s all true and something happens to her friend. Really don’t know what to do for the best!!!

[AlexaShutUp]

Wow sprouts. You'd ignore a potentially serious safeguarding issue in case your dc was called a snitch? I hope that I have taught my dc better than that.

[Funsize]

Sprouts: Your goady comments/tone are not helpful. DD didn’t feel obliged to help. She wanted to help a friend in need, which is why she came to me. And she isn’t in fear of being bullied or attacked. The school have dealt with the situation in the appropriate manner and DD feels reassured that she has done the right thing. Your concern for her is not necessary, thanks very much.

[sprouts21]

Alexa I didn't say I would ignore a serious safeguarding issue. What I did say is that reporting of concerns needs to be anonymous.

[Paddy1234]

I have to partly agree with sprouts.
Any safeguarding should be handled anonymously. You say your DD was taken out an hour before the other child. Hardly anonymous. I wouldn't be happy if that was my child tbh

[sprouts21]

I don't think I appreciate that Funsize. Its not goady to agree with your opinion that the friend is probably lying. It's also not goady to take your dds fear about possible repercussions seriously, and it's definitely not goady to suggest reporting anonymously because you said you wanted to minimise the fall out for her.

^DD is petrified and begging me not to as her friend will hate her.
DD is really upset tiiight. She feels like she’s being a bad friend and that she will get in trouble and her friend will hate her. I know I’m doing the right thing but I just want to try and minimise the fallout for DD. She says she knows that the friend will know it’s her that’s told and that she will hate her and everyone else will think she’s a snitch^

Before anybody accuses me of being a child abuse apologist, this year alone I've heard the following tales from teens, drug addict, attempted abduction, parental beatings, older boyfriends, bogus pregnancy scare, terminal illness scare, the friend who alledged hasn't eaten for a month and of course all their parents hate them and are mean and cruel.I think some people forget how inventive and dramatic some teens can be.

[Funsize]

I don’t really want to argue with people, that wasn’t the purpose of me starting the thread. I’ve dealt with it now in the way that I thought best.

[Moononthehill28]

You absolutely have done the right thing. There is something very strange going on.

[SleepingStandingUp]

At 12 the daughter is not obliged to put herself at risk of being bullied for being a snitch or attacked by a girl who is violent and volatile.!
As them other of a 12 yo OP has done the right thing by reassuring her daughter she isn't a snitch. She's someone who loves her friend and wants to help.. I agree should should have kept it anonymous but they e still done the right thing by reporting it. We'll done OP

[jessstan2]

Speak to the school, her form teacher or whoever is in charge of pastoral care. They won't grass you up but it would be negligible of you not to tell someone.

Bear in mind the girl may not be telling the truth. I remember being 12 and 13 with an active imagination.

[brookshelley]

I'm surprised at how many people are just assuming she's lying. She is probably lying about something, but if a 12 year old girl is describing sex acts in detail, she must have been exposed to them. Either by abuse or seeing porn. In any case it's not normal and it indicates dysfunction in the home if she is able to access adult materials.

[shearwater]

I'm surprised at how many people are just assuming she's lying

Only one or two very strange posters.

[GBPworries]

You did the right thing OP and I think you should be proud of your daughter
I hope that this poor child gets the help she desperately needs.

[buddy79]

Op, you and your daughter have absolutely done the right thing.
I had a number of ‘troubled’ friends as a teen and regrettably was never brave enough to tell an adult,though I worried terribly. One of them has gone on to experience a number of abusive relationships and is diagnosed bipolar as an adult. How I wish I had been brave enough, like yr daughter, to tell someone- she may have got the help she needed then.
Good secrets and bad secrets is a great learning point and something I will be teaching my children. You should be very proud of your daughter.

[EvaHarknessRose]

I have not rtft but wanted to add that the 'party' model is one of the recognised patterns of child sexual exploitation and works along the lines described, vulnerable children transported regularly to other cities. There are useful video resources about it on the CEOP website if people want to help their dc recognise grooming.

[MyOtherProfile]

Well done OP. I hope the girl can get the help she needs, whatever is actually going on with her.

[shesabloodywitch]

Well done OP you did the right thing

[lonelyplanetmum]

Just saw this you have absolutely done the right thing. Thank goodness you and your DD relationship is such that she felt able to come to you. Some children might think they could 'protect' her friend on her own and that's all far too much for a pre teen or teen to handle.

I so hope the friend now gets some support that she accepts.

[Funsize]

Thought I’d give you an update. Friend was back in school today for the first time since she was pulled out of class on Thursday. She spoke to DD and said she knows it was her that told and asked her why. She said she still wants to be friends but that she will never tell her anything again. Friend said that she told the school and her parents that she’d made it all up just to get everyone off her back but she’s still intending to carry on having sex but just not as much. DD thinks that the school think that they’ve dealt with it now and nothing has changed other than now her friend won’t confide in her anymore. I’ve told her that we’ve done our bit now and that at least her parents and the school are aware now. But DD feels like she’s damaged her friendship with her friend for nothing.

The school did say that we wouldn’t hear anything further and I guess we just have to trust that they have taken the appropriate action. Does anyone know if it’s likely that social services would have been contacted? Or do you think they might have literally just spoken to the parents and left it at that?

[MaisyPops]

Your poor DC.
Ultimately (and I know it won't seem it right now), secondary aged kids do eventually realise that sometimes friends have to betray trust. And much as it's awful now, I still think students who are sexually experienced beyond their years know when there is something wrong it with it (even if they act full of bravado).

One thing we cover regularly in PSHE is about good secrets vs bad secrets and how friends have to keep each other safe.

In terms of school, relevant staff will be aware and safeguarding means even small things that dobt seem right will get reported (E.g. Ive put reports in for conversations I've overheard in the corridor or whilst on duty etc).

What school will have done specifically will depend on what other information they have on the child and the situation.

[NotANotMan]

They will have informed social services

[Petalflowers]

I think you and dd have done the right thing, and well done to both of you, in that dd trusts you enough to tell you about friend.

[Funsize]

Hi all, I thought I’d give a bit of an update on the situation with DD and her friend!

Back when the school got involved the friend told DD that she told the school and her parents that she had made it all up just to get them off her back. She was angry with DD, saying that she’d ruined her life and that she would never tell her anything again (which I was actually quite relieved about). The Mum texted me over the Christmas break to thank DD and me for alerting the school and she said she was very thankful that her daughter had a caring friend in my DD. She acknowledged that it must have been a difficult thing for us to do. She didn’t specifically say outright but hinted that it was all a pack of lies as she talked about the “stories” her daughter had been telling and also said that she spent far too much time in her bedroom on her own. She says that she hoped that it didn’t reflect too badly on her daughter and that I would allow them to remain friends as DD was clearly a positive influence. In actual fact DH and I had discussed and had decided that we couldn’t control who DD spends time with in school but we would not be encouraging any external contact with this girl for the time being. DD is accepting of this, although I know that they are still spending time together within a wider circle of girls at school.

Now the last few weeks the girl has suddenly started confiding in DD once more. She all of a sudden has a new boyfriend. Much the same story as last time, nobody at school knows who this boy is. Apparently she “let slip” that she stayed overnight at his house last week, telling DD that she had left her favourite PJ’s at his house. Now this week she is sporting bruises on her chest that she showed DD and says that they are hickeys from when she had sex! DD asked her how she is still able to do this with her parents knowing and the friend said that she has just had to change the way in which she lies to her parents. I said that I think that it’s all lies but she says they she has seen the bruises for herself. DD feels like nothing has changed and that it has all been for nothing as the school haven’t done anything.
As far as I’m concerned we have done our bit now. We alerted the appropriate authorities to a concerning situation and it is down to them how they proceed with it. I actually now want this girl away from my DD as I just don’t want her hearing this stuff on a continuous basis. But I also don’t want to get involved any further.

What are people’s take on the situation? Do you think it sounds like more lies?

[RepealTheGRA]

You need to tell school safeguarding again.

[KittensAndCake]

Yes, I'd tell school about the bruises. Something is obviously not right, these are not normal kids' lies. I also think the mother phoning you was a bit suspect 🤔