DD’s friend (12) says she is having regular sex

[Funsize]

I have NC for this. Sorry this will be long.

DD (who is almost 13 and in Yr 8) has a friend at school who is pretty screwed up at the moment. She has been in quite a bit of trouble at school lately. She has got in a fight with another girl, has had the school confiscate her phone twice for using it in lessons and she has had some pretty big bust-ups with her parents of late (I have had her Mum have to come and pick her up from our house after school because she came without telling them when she was grounded). I don’t know her parents particularly well.

DD confided in me last week that she is really worried about her friend and she thinks she is completely out of control and acting dangerously. Apparently she says that she is having regular sex and that she lost her virginity Xmas last year, when she was 11. DD says that she is very graphic with the details. The friend doesn’t have a boyfriend and when DD asked who she is having sex with she says that it is with boys she meets at parties. Apparently she goes out to parties a lot (with another group of friends that DD doesn’t know and didn’t even know existed) and gets drunk. She says that she also goes up to London on the train and meets an older boy that she has sex with. There are a few other friends that also know and whenever they try and quiz her on details she is quite vague but is then very graphic when describing the sex. I am inclined to think that she lying but even that in itself is very worrying!

The friend is very volatile, manic one minute and then depressed and in tears the next. There have been quite a few parties in their year group of late and all the girls take it in turns to get ready round someone’s house. This girl always dresses highly provocatively and is wearing thongs and push-up bras, which I think is highly inappropriate at 12 years old. She is totally boy-crazy and obsesses about one boy after the other at school. Nobody knows who the boys are that she says she is having sex with. They don’t go to the same school, in fact DD doesn’t even know how old they are supposed to be. Friend has days when when she is texting DD on insta saying that she hates herself and that even her parents don’t love her and that she’d be better off dead. But then she’s manic and completely hyper the next 2 days. Friend says that she hates her parents and wishes that she didn’t have to leave with them.

I don’t know what to do. DD is so worried about her, enough to tell me about it. I am now obviously worried and don’t know if I should speak to the Mum about it? DD is petrified and begging me not to as her friend will hate her. But I’m so worried in case it’s all true and something happens to her friend. Really don’t know what to do for the best!!!

[HollowTalk]

Whether it's lies or reality it's really a very sad situation. If it's real, she's at huge danger from these people. I'm glad you're telling school tomorrow.

[Funsize]

Yes am definitely talking to the school tomorrow. I forgot to mention another incident last week that concerned me. Last Friday apparently she bunked off school and DD heard about it on the train on the way to school and saw a Snapchat video of her with some people. Then she wasn’t in contact with anyone for the entire day and wasn’t active on any social media and DD and her other friend got worried about her as she wasn’t responding to any of their messages. It got to about 10pm and they both called her phone and someone was answering but not saying anything. They got worried that something had happened to her and someone had her phone. So eventually I called her phone and her Dad answered straight away. I told him that I was just calling on behalf of DD who was worried about her as she hadn’t been at school that day and he said everything was fine and he had her phone and said something about the phone keep ringing. I just don’t understand why he didn’t say to the girls when they were calling that he was the Dad and to stop calling.

DD is really upset tiiight. She feels like she’s being a bad friend and that she will get in trouble and her friend will hate her. Trying to explain to her that her friend needs more help than a 12 year old can give and that she has done the best thing by telling me so that we can get her the help she so desperately needs.

Thanks everyone.

[CherryPavlova]

Definitely talk to school. Her mother has failed to protect her thus far.
Sex under 13 years is a mandatory referral to local safeguarding children team.

[Apple23]

Your daughter needs to know she has been a good friend and her friend will have chosen to confide in her because she knows she will tell a trusted adult (i.e. you) who can help her, and you are proud of her for doing so.

Some parts of the friend's story may be true, other parts may be made up as a pp described. It's not your or your DD's responsibility to sort this out. Refer what you know it to the safeguarding officer at school first thing in the morning and let them sort it out. Don't mention anything to the parents or to anyone else; social services will decide at what point to contact them.

Two things to be aware of:

1. This may be one piece of a larger picture of things that are happening to the friend and more information may come to light.
   
2. Although she has done the right thing, it may change the dynamics of the girls’ friendship(s).
   

Make sure your daughter has someone she can talk and keep an eye on her social media. If anything else crops up, go back to the safeguarding lead at school. In the holidays, ring the police, social services or the NSPCC.

[Racecardriver]

Are you sure it was her dad on the phone? It’s all very worrying. Agree that school is better than her mum (clearly she isn’t coping and may not address the issue).

[brookshelley]

This is so sad. It sounds to me the girl is being sexually abused by someone, possibly a relative. The stories of vague boyfriends and sex partners ring serious alarm bells. Agree that you need to report it ASAP either through the school or social services.

[sprouts21]

I would keep well out of it, it sounds like a load of nonsense.The last thing you want is it coming out that your dd has said something.It's unlikely she's getting on trains if her parents came to get her from your house. You're going to be ringing the school a lot if you believe everything teens say over the years.

I think your efforts would be better spent gently encouraging your dd to find other friends and avoiding the drama from this friend who is volatile and violent.

[BigGreenOlives]

Definitely safeguarding team, who knows what is going on. If one child is deeply troubled in a class there will be a knock on effect, the school will have policies in place. Your daughter and the other children who are aware of what’s going on are too young to deal with this.

[fuzzywuzzy]

There was a girl in my DD’s class in year 8 who said similar things.

My dd also didn’t want me to tell anyone but she was scared.

I called the school and told them explained my concern and told them it was causing huge upset amongst the class.

The school did deal with it. And once the girls realised the information was out in the open and with the adults a few actually went and spoke to the headteacher about it themselves.

In our case, thankfully it turned out to be untrue, however regardless it does need to be dealt with by people who can offer the child appropriate support.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Also i did ask to remain anonymous as it hugely affected my dd andshe was also terrified of being seen as a ‘snitch’.

The school were brilliant and my dd never knew who first told the school but she was so relieved the day she came home and told me the school were helping the girl and dealing with the issues.

[ASauvignonADay]

@sprouts21 that is so naive.

Re the impact on the OP's dd and staying anonymous. We wouldn't usually say who has reported or said something, but would have to tell social services exactly who if we made a referral, as information needs to be as close to first hand as possible.

One of our girls recently reported something about her best friend (which is true), they did fall out for a brief time, but the (reporting) girl wa supported. She did do the right thing and now safeguarding measures are being put in place to protect the at risk girl. I actually think the reporting girl was brave as that is a tough thing to do.

[Funsize]

It was definitely the Dad as he has a distinctive accent.
There is a bigger picture here. I mentioned in my OP that the friend has recently had a fight, for which she spent a few days in isolation. DD says that she is pulled out of class on a regular basis for school to monitor her anxiety levels. She has to fill out questionnaires regarding her mood and how she is feeling at that point in time.
I know I’m doing the right thing but I just want to try and minimise the fallout for DD. She says she knows that the friend will know it’s her that’s told and that she will hate her and everyone else will think she’s a snitch.

[ApolloandDaphne]

I am a social worker and agree this needs to be passed on through the school or straight to social work if the school are dismissive. This is one of two things. Either the girl is telling fibs as it gets her lots of attention and makes her seem 'cool'. Or she is being sexually exploited and is placing herself at a great deal of risk. Either way it needs to be explored with her.

[IchFliegeNach]

Yes, pass on to the school safeguarding team.
It doesn't matter if the facts are totally fabricated, the emotional distress is there. Many times the cool, bullshit story (parties and boyfriends and drug dealing) is actually a version of the truth - just a lot closer to home and a lot less 'glamorous'.
The child is in need - you are doing the right thing. Praise your daughter and explain to her that she is being a good friend and one day the other girl will realise she cared enough to help.

[Funsize]

I spoke to the Safeguarding officer this morning and she said she was going to speak to DD today in order to get her first hand account. DD has just texted me during her lunch to say they spoke to her early this morning and then took the friend out of class an hour later and she hasn’t been seen since.

DSL explained that we wouldn’t hear back but she assured me that it would be dealt with immediately with the appropriate authorities.

[sprouts21]

@sprouts21 that is so naive.

Re the impact on the OP's dd and staying anonymous. We wouldn't usually say who has reported or said something, but would have to tell social services exactly who if we made a referral, as information needs to be as close to first hand as possible.
One of our girls recently reported something about her best friend (which is true), they did fall out for a brief time, but the (reporting) girl wa supported

I think it's you that's naive if you don't see a problem with a safeguarding system that passes on the names of children who report concerns. But it's ok because the reporting girl was supported? Was she supported on the way home from school? In the community? On the bus?What support would her parents have received if there were repercussions from the family?

Op your daughter is begging you not to get involved. She will never tell you anything again if you get involved.

[Kismetjayn]

If it wasn't true, where would she get the thongs & push-up bras?
No reason it couldn't be the dad on the phone. No reason the dad couldn't be the instigator of all of this.

Your DD needs to know it's okay for the friend to be cross with her for a while because she is in danger and doesn't know it, she's being hurt and wants to feel like she has it all under control. Sometimes people are cross because they feel as if they will be in trouble when really they are being helped- and in time, she will be glad, if they can help her.

Fwiw I told people I was having sex with boys at parties because the reality was it was my family causing all of it- and I figured it would be better to say they were cool boys at parties so other schoolmates would be 'jealous' of me. Definitely don't discuss with her mum, she could be aiding or at least in denial and cause problems for the girl.

[ApolloandDaphne]

Well done OP. Sounds like the school are dealing with it correctly.

[Mondaytired]

You’ve done the right thing OP and so had your daughter... whether it is true or not she is clearly high vulnerable. Whether she is running off for sex in London or not she has clearly got this idea from somewhere.
Massively at risk of child sexual exploitation.
Well done to your DD for being so concerned for her....

[SleepingStandingUp]

Op your daughter is begging you not to get involved. She will never tell you anything again if you get involved
And if the friend ends up raped and dead after one of these parties what should she say? Well what matters is that we took. No action so none of it can come back on us??
Or it turns out its the date and she commits suicide / runs away?

At 12 daughter has to have a very hard lesson in what doing the right thing means, and that means telling someone, not just what hung it until it all implodes then tutting over how no one ever steps up

[NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade]

To the people who think this is unlikely, think outside your box because it isnt at all unlikely.
I know kids brag and tell stories and hopefully thats all there is too it, but it would not be wise to ignore this.

When I was younger, one of my 'best friends' used me as a cover to attend sleepovers while she went out to bang older boys ranging from 13-17, we were roughly 11/12 at the time....I was too afraid to tell (she was more a bully than a friend, our parents were friends and used to force us together, because for some reason her friendships didnt last long) and the anxiety ate me up.
I've never told anyone this, but she used to try and get me to do things to her too...I hated her!
Once she snuck a 'boy' in and i hid under a blanket absolutley terrified and disgusted at her behaviour.
As far as i know, there was no abuse etc, she just haf a lot of sexual urges, was allowed to dress provocatively and make up and innaproprate underwear from a young age, her mum would just give in to her tantrums and let her buy what she wanted.
However she did not let her out freely, so she did try I suppose.

Thing is no-one ever asked me why i was reluctant to go and stay over there.
Not long after it was all found out and I was shouted at by my parents and hers for not telling, I remember going ape shit and attacked her for 'no reason' I think it was just a build up of all the bother she caused me. Never had to see her again so that was a plus!!

Another similar case is happening to someone i know, except the mother is very much doing her best but the child continues to run away and continue to put herself in dangerous situations (Initially I thought it could have been the same child)

I think the best option is to anonymously report to SS. If the parents could have or wanted to stop her, they would have done so already.
Try to reassure ypur daughter she has done the right thing in telling you this and well done to you for having such a good relationship with your child thay she feels she can talk to you.

[ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName]

For the larger part I think this sounds like bullshit, but there was a girl in my year at school who was having regular sex at that age and did go on to have a baby as a result. She had a dysfunctional home life. As a teacher, please do report to child protection within the school. Sadly they will be used to things like this and know what to do.

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Please ring social services immediately

[sprouts21]

At 12 daughter has to have a very hard lesson in what doing the right thing means, and that means telling someone, not just what hung it until it all implodes then tutting over how no one ever steps up

At 12 the daughter is not obliged to put herself at risk of being bullied for being a snitch or attacked by a girl who is violent and volatile. The daughter needs encouragement to do what is right for herself and that might well mean quietly ending the friendship because it's not healthy at all.

Any reporting of concerns need to be absolutely anonymous because unfortunately the attempt to safeguard another child can put your own child at risk.