Daughter going off rails

[Liedtomum]

I tried posting in another section but not many replies so trying here.

Until recently my 15 yr old daughter was helpful, polite, well-mannered and doing really well at school.

Couple months ago it all started going wrong.

Disobedient, confrontational, etc

Main thing I'm dealing with at the moment is struggling to get her to attend school, when she is there she's skipping classes, not doing homework, not making the effort in class.

I'm at my wits end and worried sick. School have tried to help but she's not engaging with them. At first she made out she was sorry, would try better etc now no such pretence. I try and talk to her about it she just loses her temper.

Dad not on the scene hasn't been for years.

I just don't know what to do.

No bullying going on, seems to mostly get on OK with friends, moans about teachers but no real issues as far as I can tell just the usual gripes but that hasn't stopped her before.

She just seems to have given up! Yet she claims to want to go to uni and have a career (in what changes periodically).

I'm stuck, I've tried tough love, listening and talking, school have talked to her...

Help!

[Sweepingchange]

I really feel for you op.

Could it be the impending pressure of exams? Fifteen is when things start to get tough/serious academically isn't it? If she is lacking in confidence, she may have decided that it is less risky/less effort to just not try, rather than exposing herself to the fear of failure perhaps?

[Sweepingchange]

Sorry, x posted there!

[Liedtomum]

The 2 months grounding was not issued in one punishment. She was grounded for one thing, then ungrounded then done something else so grounded again etc

She's sabotaging herself with me too. I hate being 'the bad guy' I've talked a lot with her, tried to do fun stuff, given her praise whenever there's something I can praise, which is becoming increasingly difficult.

I've always been one to encourage her to recognise her good points. Especially when she was being bullied as of course that affected her self esteem.

Even when we're talking arguing about her doing something out of order I'm like 'but this isn't you, you're normally clever, thoughtful, considerate' etc.

It's maddening!

[Sweepingchange]

Another thought - take her to help at a soup kitchen or arrange for her to spend a couple of shifts dish washing in a restaurant or some such? That might wake her up a bit?

What are her friends like? Are they motivated to study?

[sianihedgehog]

Op, I think she's got a new friend or boyfriend and is bunking off to impress. I second the other poster suggesting that you actually show up at school and Escort her to classes if it keeps up - honestly, I think you need to make bunking off become more socially humiliating than not, and your mum showing up to walk you to class definitely does that. She's probably feeling like she has to look cool and skip class, and you need to give her a good reason why she can't anymore.

[Liedtomum]

She helps at a local charity and has a part time job.

Her friends are a mixed bunch, a couple are very motivated studious well behaved types, a couple need a push now and then, one struggles at school (not particularly academic) and is probably leaving in January either for a vocational college course or a job if she can get one. But as a group they're trying to be supportive of this friend in terms of saying to her not to just do nothing. (Parents not particularly academic either and think school not for everyone - hard to explain).

[Liedtomum]

I really don't think a boyfriend. But possibly a new friend. Last time I had her phone I checked her social media and messages though and her friendship group/dynamic doesn't seem to have really changed.

The really bad stuff she's done the friends have told her off too!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

If ok I'd rather not be more detailed than that.
Oh absolutely.

You're responsible for DD until she's 16 and you are protective of her. I know I still want to fix problems and make everything all right for my DCs who are now adults. When we sense we're only getting half the story it's easy to jump to conclusions and think the worst.

By the sound of it she's not isolating herself or 'on' anything, and you still talk to each other - all positives.


As a pp said you can try the clean slate approach and tell her you were doing your job as her mum and you love her and know she's not a baby so you'll back off but you're always here for her.
And hope she snaps out of this.

[OohhThatsMe]

Could you take her on a trip to the university so that she can see the reality of being away - paint it in a really positive light. She needs to see the rewards of hard work.

My daughter had a problem with depression and now does yoga every day and hasn't had a problem since. I wonder whether something that's really positive and calming like that might help her? There are tons of YouTube videos to help if there aren't any classes. My daughter thinks it should be done by all teenage girls as the benefits are enormous.

[ChickenLicken22]

I'd second that her fear of failing academically is making her sabotage herself. A few friends of mine who felt very pressurised by parents did that many years ago. School was also v academic which didn't help.

They both failed a-levels and messed up university but are doing well now. Disaster as the time though! Sorry you are going through this. Must be so tough

[Liedtomum]

Trip to uni not possible - both financially and with my health at the moment.

When all the bullying crap was going on I suggested counselling, self help books, talking to other teens online, relaxation techniques, yoga, YouTube relaxation videos etc

She point blank refused to even consider!

I think she'd find some counselling or something really helpful but can't get her to even consider it.

School are (understandably) getting a bit fed up now so I'm not sure clean slate/backing off a good idea.

What is worrying me is she has said a few times now about not wanting to leave home, being scared of being an adult, that she's not sure she'd cope being away.

I've assured her that's all perfectly normal and that by the time uni comes around she could well feel different and if she really doesn't want to go she doesn't have to but she needs to have the qualifications to give her the choice.

Here it's not a case of taking time out really either, the more popular/harder courses entrance requirements stipulate the qualifications be gained first time round. So if she messes up now she doesn't really get a chance to recover.

Also she absolutely would cope, she's more independent than most of her friends, can cook, capable of most housework tasks, manage a budget etc partly I feel guilty for that as its come about in part as a result of my health issues, but then a part of me thinks at least when she does leave home she'll cope.

[Liedtomum]

Can there be a fear of failure even if that's not likely? She's perfectly capable academically, school backs this up.

[grumpmitchell]

I've been reading through the thread and I'm just wondering if she's feeling the pressure of expectation a bit much. She's 15 and she's clever and everyone's thinking she's uni material and all of a sudden reality has bitten and it feels a bit like things are running away with her, and maybe she just needs someone to say 'you're clever and able but if you don't want to go to uni ever/straight away, that's your choice'. Just wondering if she's self-sabotaging a bit?

[Liedtomum]

I have said to her that she doesn't have to go to uni straight out of school or at all. Though admittedly I'd like her to go as I think it's really hard to get a decent job/career without a degree now, it's a great experience, gives her more choices in life etc. Plus all the jobs/careers she's shown interest in require a degree. Some require post graduate study too.

I am a bit worried there might be pressure from the school as with it being a deprived area with few students even staying on past 16 they're keen to keep good students and have them do well as a good reflection on the school. (Not saying that's all they care about but I do think it's a factor).

[Sweepingchange]

Yes, totally possible to fear failure, in fact as pp said, poss more likely in academically able student because the expectations are higher.

It's about her perceptions of herself, not her actual abilities.

She sounds like a lovely girl with a lovely ma op. I'm sure she will find her way.

[Liedtomum]

Oh your post made me cry sweeping.

She IS a lovely girl, usually.

She is the type to beat herself up over minor 'failures' if she doesn't get top marks she declares herself 'stupid' even if she's still got better marks than most in a test/exam. How do I address that? I've always just said 'well you're not you actually did really well' or 'you might feel like that but if you think about it, it's not true' or even 'what do you think you could do better next time?' Though the last rarely as she's usually already thought about that before she's even home and is kicking herself for 'not revising x' or 'not looking up y' even though usually she'd have needed to be psychic to know that ahead of time!

[midnightlurker]

Is it possible that she is worried how you will cope without her? Is the whole thing too much pressure? Or is this the first time she has ever really had to work and she doesn't know how/is scared of failing? Does she skip the classes that are harder for her?

[Liedtomum]

She does worry about me which I hate and feel awfully guilty about as its not her fault or her responsibility. I'm doing what I can to improve health as far as possible so that hopefully she'll worry less.

Last time I talked to school there didn't seem to be particular subjects she was skipping. Prior to her doing this she was doing well in all classes. She doesn't enjoy every class every time (there's always going to be boring bits) but nothing major. And of course she has favourites but she's even sometimes skipping them.

[Brown76]

I also think it sounds like fear of failure, her own hopes and expectations, yours and the school's. Also if she's always been bright she may be just starting to find it a bit tougher now and worrying if she can manage with the next level of study. What are her options if she does fail her exams or decides not to go to university? Could you help her see that it's her choice? I remember my dad saying, you don't have to go to uni, but if you don't go then you'll have to get a full time job in boots (I don't know why he picked on boots) and I thought going to university sounded a bit more fun...sorry if that's unhelpful, I've not been a mum of a teenager yet, it sounds really hard and I hope things turn around for your daughter.

[Liedtomum]

If she fails her exams - that's my biggest fear! I hate where we live and want her to be able to get out. There's no jobs, very little opportunity for further education, not a nice place. My fault for landing us here! Huge regret of mine. It's my home town, I got out but ended go back here after splitting with her dad and becoming ill.

Honestly half the high street boarded up, businesses closing almost daily, this past year 2 big local employers have gone (one bust one moved operations elsewhere).

There's only one small supermarket even! If a full time job is advertised they're inundated with applications.

[Liedtomum]

She's said herself once she's out she'll never be back to live. But she has to get out first.

[Liedtomum]

The reality round here if you fail to get good exam results and get out is you'll be doing well if you get a minimum wage job, probably zero hours, pray the company don't go bust/leave the area.

Lots of unemployment, drug use, young mums...

You get the idea.

[Sweepingchange]

op

Sounds like a mixture of anxiety and perhaps wanting a last (or first) kick back before getting to grips with it all. And perhaps a touch of teenage "catastrophising" black & white thinking ie if I fail these exams then I will never escape/ won't be able to help my ma etc etc. We all go for the easy options sometimes in life. She just needs reassurance that she CAN do it.

As the mother of a teen who is perfectly able but self sabatages all the time (and has unhappy combination of sensitivity and huge stubbornness and who - like her mother - needs frequent kicks up rear to get her studying ) I can really, really sympathise op.

It is a difficult balancing act. Not piling on the pressure too much so as to cause anxiety but at the same time trying to motivate but not allow any back-sliding. I haven't got it right yet!

As school work is causing quite a Iot of tension between me and dd, I am engaging a tutor to help twice a week, but I know I am very privileged to be able to afford that. If a tutor not poss, could you perhaps seek help from a university student or maybe a teacher at school (someone your dd likes and respects) could help? It might be that just one"outside" adult mentoring your dd and taking a genuine interest might make all the difference?? We mums are too close sometimes.

[Liedtomum]

Just talked to her again. I'm going to call school again tomorrow. The teacher that's supposed to provide pastoral care for my daughter and is the point of contact for me, my daughter doesn't and never has liked her. Daughter is also saying that she hasn't skipped class since it last came up, now I know she could be lying but equally the school have got it wrong on occasion.

Somewhat tearful/angry conversation on both sides. I've said she has GOT to go to school, not skip classes, be engaged when she's in school and do homework to her best ability. That she's letting herself down not me (her usual deflection is 'you're just worried they'll think you're a bad mum').

I've said in return I'll get her a dr appointment (she's agreed to see dr about anxiety/stress only taken 2 years!) and speak to the school to see if she can have a different pastoral person (she doesn't think they'll do this but my argument was it can't hurt to ask).

I'm really hoping we can start moving in the right direction.

Thanks for all the advice and empathy, it does help to know it's not just us. I'll admit I did think I'd 'got away with' having a child that was relatively well behaved and would escape the teenage years relatively unscathed. Naive and arrogant I know.

God is this hard!

[Sweepingchange]

It's v v hard op; my dd is a bit younger but boy she has a strong will. I find it stressful every day. Sounds as though you have a really productive talk with your dd tonight and have some great strategies in place. I hope it works out for you both x. (Off now to crack the whip over hwk again - sigh.)