Anyone with 16 year olds? what time do you allow them out to?

[surferjet]

Ds 16 ( 17 in a few months ) came in at midnight last night. Is this normal?
I want to give him his freedom but at the same time he is only 16 & midnight seems a bit late? I didn't say anything to him last night as just relieved to see him ( I'd text him at about 9.30pm but his phone was off )
Just looking for advice really.

[FeckinCrutches]

Where was he? My 16yo doesn't really 'hang around' anywhere, so she's either sleeping out with friends, or at a party and someone will give her a lift back at 11.30pm. If she was out in town for cinema or dinner with friends I'd want her in before 10pm

[surferjet]

He said he was around his friends house which is probably true, but I still think coming home at midnight is too late.

[BertrandRussell]

I have a 15- nearly 16 year old. It's on a case by case basis. For example, tonight he will be home at about 1.30 because he's going to a gig.

But I am very tough on keeping phones on and keeping in touch. Turning up at midnight with no prior discussion would be a grounding offence.

[FeckinCrutches]

I wouldn't be happy with her coming home at midnight with no prior discussion. How did he get home?

[corythatwas]

I would want to know in advance and be sure that he is able to get home safely. His normal "home coming time" is 9 o'clock: if he wants to stay out later he has to let us know. Sloping in at midnight with no prior warning would be a grounding offence here too. It's not that I don't trust him stay out late, but I do need to know when to start worrying.

Also, at that time of night, I had rather he rang a taxi than walked home through the streets.

[surferjet]

Thank you all.
He got the bus home which worries me as much as if he'd walked tbh ( buses at that time of night aren't great )
I wont stop worrying about him until he's about 40 I know, but these years between 15 & 18 are very tricky.
BertrandRussell I'm too soft to ground him, plus he's generally very sensible.

[BertrandRussell]

Mine have always had much more freedom than many of their peers. But that's because we have had very strict rules about keeping in touch. They call it HMP- Humouring Mum's Paranoia. - but it's been massively to their advantage in terms of freedom and independence. And also, I think, in terms of empathy. They think "Might what I am doing or not doing worry mum?" They know that I am not a worrier, so it doesn't restrict them- it just means they send a text, rather than not.

[Helenluvsrob]

17yr old here ...

I haven't ever really set a curfew, more a what /where and with whom and how are you getting back/where are you staying.

As long as accurate info is given permission isn't with held. I got as far as a " hmm do you think that is really a wise choice, have a think about it" when DS was about 15, and he didn't go in the end! ( a large crowded free concert type thing in a park, eldest was going with mates, DS too- but I was much less sure his mates would stick with him if there as a problem though - in the end it was cancelled as there were crush injuries before hand!)

I also offer to collect at silly o'clock if needed and am happy to taxi friends home too. They are all very public transport savvy but night buses-ick, or other peoples parents at 2am that might have been drinking , or even worse new drivers transporting cars full of teens - no thanks - those are the times there are awful accidents.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Mine (also 16) has just gone away WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND on their own to stay at a hotel by the sea! Goodness knows what time they got back to their hotel at night, but as neither drink or smoke and for obvious reasons, I reckon they were home nice and early!

I think at 16 it's about choosing your battles, but if I was seriously worried for any reason regarding safety, I wouldn't compromise. I will always collect him but will tell him to get an Uber if really late. I just think in 6 months or so he'll be driving so this is really a short term thing.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

Mine doesn't leave the house unless it's to go to school, scouts (in the car), or when I kick him out on a weekend afternoon to buy crap at the co-op to get some air.

I think midnight on a weeknight and with no prior agreement is too late. I'd explain that to him.

[garlicandsapphire]

DD doesnt go out much in the evenings so when she does I give her lattitude - so long as she lets me know when she is on her way home. This week as its half term she was out till about 12.40am one night with friends and walked home. She also went to Reading with most of her year for 4 days after GCSE's so had to look after herself and friends and went to bed whenever. She is exceptionally sensible so I trust her and encourage her to go out. I went out much more (and late) when I was her age.

[corythatwas]

Once they are 16 or so, my take is pretty much the same as concerning any adults in their house: I would not be impressed if their dad came sloping home at midnight without having warned me beforehand that he wouldn't be coming home at usual time. It's nothing to do with not trusting him, and if he was away for, say, a conference, I wouldn't expect to know at all where he was or what he was doing- but in my own house I want to know what to expect, when to lock up and when to phone the police.

[ShesGotAMapOfTheWorld]

Mine only usually goes out to play football or go to cadets. I don't have a set curfew as he is fairly sensible - he came home from his prom at 1am but that is really the latest. I wouldn't worry too much though if he was out at midnight. At his age I was going to nightclubs and getting drunk, so I sometimes worry that he is the most boring 16 year old in the world!

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Because we are rural we don't have this problem. I prefer my 16 y o to stay over at a friends if he's out, otherwise we do the midnight teen taxi service.

I'm very happy we don't live in a town, I would struggle with waiting for the key in the lock.

[TheSecondOfHerName]

Midnight when he babysits for a family friend, who then drives him home.

If out with friends: 11 pm if he has school the next day (he cannot function at all when sleep-deprived), otherwise 1 am.

[TheSecondOfHerName]

It helps that the tube in our area only runs until 12.30ish.

[Mrscog]

!! When I was 17 I was allowed out to whatever time I liked as long as let my parents know where I was and what a rough expected time was. 2-3am was completely normal at weekends.

I assumed that was normal!

[notquiteruralbliss]

Whenever they want to as long as they keep phones on and let me know if they aren't going to be back.

[Rosieposy4]

Mum of 4 here, youngest just turned 16.
School night. Way way too late
Non school night ok as long as i know beforehand.

[Meadows76]

No curfew at 16 unless I had a very good reason to. In our house if you are back latenor not at all you let us know. I do wonder how people expect their teens to function as adults when they keep them on such a tight rope when they are just a year or so away from being complete adults.

[Stoneagemum]

My ds is expected home by midnight but generally gets in for 11, I accept a call or text letting me know that he will be late or is staying out as long as it includes an explanation of why/where.

In practice I wouldn't always know if he is late as go to bed earlier, there have been times I have found the I will be late text when I wake in the morning, but it was sent so I know he is not taking advantage of my relaxed rules on curfew.

My dd on the other hand is another story however.....

So it depends on the dc and their attitude and behaviour.

[Stoneagemum]

Should add ds is 16, dd is 14 and same rules but 10pm but as I said a different story on compliance

[BackforGood]

I've got 2 that are now older, and 1 who is 15.

I've never had a set time - it depends on what they are doing, and how they are getting home. No point in saying they always have to be in by 10, if they are attending something that doesn't finish until midnight, and equally, I don't have them out until 10 if they aren't actually doing anything.

I would not be impressed at no contact, and then waltzing in at midnight though - as someone else said, as I wouldn't be if dh did it, nor would they if I did it. When you know there are folk at home that are expecting you, then it is common courtesy to keep them informed that you are safe and all is well by telling them where you are and what's happening re coming home.

[Rosieposy4]

Meadows no problems
16 yo are not adults and need clear guidance
18 + at uni no problems
Working well so far with 3 artculate, educated and charming ones at uni
Plus considerable extra experience as i teach at a comprehensive and see very many unappy/ out of control kids with no guidelines

[Meadows76]

Meadows no problems.16 yo are not adults and need clear guidance.18 + at uni no problems. That was kind of my point. If you don't start to relax things a bit at 16 how can they be expected to manage at 18 when they do go to uni etc?