am I expecting too much?

[SouthWestmom]

Dd is 17 nearly 18.

She does nothing around the house - to be fair, it's only recently that I've realised none of the kids know how the washing machine works, how to cook much more than toast etc. They all do stuff like washing in washing bins, wipe up spills, take plates through.

Dd has a history of mental health issues.Camhs have been utterly useless - an assessment followed by no contact whatsoever and I am in the complaints stages so would prefer to avoid anything on that.

Dd is now tired all the time. She has been advised to go back to the gp in a month after taking some vitamins and gentle exercise. We are on day ten and so far she has been 'too tired' to exercise. She pretty much stays in bed all day, emerging for meals. She varies between rude, snappy, tearful and moments of cheer.

I am losing patience. I feel she should get up and try. Her room is beyond revolting. She has done no work for imminent a levels. Her school refuse to return calls or emails (I suspect as she is over 16) and instead approach her.

I have tried conversations and we agree a plan that doesn't happen. We have tried agreeing small steps.

I am thinking of ringing the GP myself to run through my concerns.

[SouthWestmom]

Thanks dancing, sorry to hear you also have depression, but it's good to have an insight and some more ideas/realistic aims.

[MajesticWhine]

OP, I wanted to reply on this thread the other day but I lost my reply. I was wondering, do you make all her meals for her and wash all her clothes? If so, I suggest you don't. Let her start to sort herself out a bit more. Don't ask her to do anything. Keep your expectations really low, because expecting things of her or nagging her is clearly not working, perhaps as you point out because there is some demand avoidance going on. Psychologically being told you must do this and that is the thing that will make her feel worse.

But she is old enough to put the washing on and get some of her own meals though, or perhaps cook for the family. So it might sound mean, but it would be interesting to see if she can find some more motivation if it is driven by necessity, rather than by you trying to implement a plan. Don't say, you have to cook for yourself or you have to do your washing. Just stop doing it, or at least stop doing it all the time.

[SouthWestmom]

Thanks dancing, that's good to hear.

Majestic, yes I do everything partly as we have younger kids so I've kept doing it, but also because it's quicker and just what I do. That needs to change.