am I expecting too much?

[SouthWestmom]

Dd is 17 nearly 18.

She does nothing around the house - to be fair, it's only recently that I've realised none of the kids know how the washing machine works, how to cook much more than toast etc. They all do stuff like washing in washing bins, wipe up spills, take plates through.

Dd has a history of mental health issues.Camhs have been utterly useless - an assessment followed by no contact whatsoever and I am in the complaints stages so would prefer to avoid anything on that.

Dd is now tired all the time. She has been advised to go back to the gp in a month after taking some vitamins and gentle exercise. We are on day ten and so far she has been 'too tired' to exercise. She pretty much stays in bed all day, emerging for meals. She varies between rude, snappy, tearful and moments of cheer.

I am losing patience. I feel she should get up and try. Her room is beyond revolting. She has done no work for imminent a levels. Her school refuse to return calls or emails (I suspect as she is over 16) and instead approach her.

I have tried conversations and we agree a plan that doesn't happen. We have tried agreeing small steps.

I am thinking of ringing the GP myself to run through my concerns.

[SouthWestmom]

Thanks dancing, that's good to hear.

Majestic, yes I do everything partly as we have younger kids so I've kept doing it, but also because it's quicker and just what I do. That needs to change.

[MajesticWhine]

OP, I wanted to reply on this thread the other day but I lost my reply. I was wondering, do you make all her meals for her and wash all her clothes? If so, I suggest you don't. Let her start to sort herself out a bit more. Don't ask her to do anything. Keep your expectations really low, because expecting things of her or nagging her is clearly not working, perhaps as you point out because there is some demand avoidance going on. Psychologically being told you must do this and that is the thing that will make her feel worse.

But she is old enough to put the washing on and get some of her own meals though, or perhaps cook for the family. So it might sound mean, but it would be interesting to see if she can find some more motivation if it is driven by necessity, rather than by you trying to implement a plan. Don't say, you have to cook for yourself or you have to do your washing. Just stop doing it, or at least stop doing it all the time.

[SouthWestmom]

Thanks dancing, sorry to hear you also have depression, but it's good to have an insight and some more ideas/realistic aims.

[SouthWestmom]

Peebles thank you - I have had some good suggestions and a bit of solidarity is also useful!

[SouthWestmom]

Yes dd and I have vaguely mentioned it but she doesn't want to pursue a dx. Not asd but I suspect pda type traits. It was hard enough getting her to agree to talk about her mental health to the GP and camhs.

Thank you for the other ideas - I need to think about how to tackle this. She can't just waste her life so something needs to change.

[Peebles1]

That's very hard for you Noeuf. We have had similar issues with our DD and DH also sounds similar - tries not to get too involved as he gets too angry. She's 18 and has A-levels looming. No work done yet. Her usual pattern is up till all hours and asleep till all hours. She's often at friends or boyfriends rather than at home. She has anxiety and depression. She started on a low dose of ADs in December. They have helped her feel a lot better, but she had horrendous problems with tiredness and insomnia as side effects. It probably took 10 to 12 weeks to improve. I'm only telling you that because it wouldn't be good timing for your DD re : A-level exams if that happened to her. But obviously not everyone's the same. Overall I think they've been a good thing though. And she didn't put on weight so don't let that put your DD off ( not that that's important really but I think you mentioned it?)

She also does zilch around the house. I told her the other day that we weren't prepared to give her an allowance when she's doing nothing. Fair enough if she was revising hard, but she isn't. So after a bit of a row, she complied and has been contributing more re: housework.

There's no way she'd do any exercise (I've tried - I do it regularly) and no way she'd come off the phone. I tidy her bedroom periodically if I think she's particularly down and it'll make it worse to have a messy room. But mostly she keeps it tidy.

So what I'm trying to say is I just muddle through doing a mixture of things. Sometimes we row and I tell her off. Mostly I try to encourage and discuss. No one seems to have the magic answer. We're all just doing the best we can.

Sorry not much advice, but you're not alone! Hope things improve for you and your DD.

[Spandexpants007]

Mindfulness and meditation. Maybe look at YouTube

[BeachysFlipFlops]

We are dealing with a similar situation but a couple of years back. We started at the GP, where ds was very open and chatty, which was great. We've been shown Kooth.com which is an online counselling resource. He also recommended Young Minds. I've also put ds on a multivitamin, B12 and St Johns Wort, daily. I know lots of people poo poo vitamins and other herbal remedies, but even if it acts as a placebo or shows I'm thinking about him daily, that helps.

I'm really trying to cut down on the shouting and raging at him, but trying to encourage him to get out running or to fitness every day.

His sadness seems to have lifted, less anger but still very little 'action' work wise. It's a really slow slow process which is frustrating beyond.

[mummytime]

If your son has ASD, have you considered it (or at least traits) for your DD? It can present very differently in girls, and the feeling of being "different" can lead to depression.
Is your DH their father?

[SouthWestmom]

Liz that's a good point. I'm just going out but I'll revisit it

[noblegiraffe]

You can change the password on the wifi so that everyone but her can use it.

[LizKeen]

I just think if she got up and did something she would feel better.

You are absolutely right, but I think you are underestimating the task that even getting up can become.

There were days that I didn't get out of bed because finding clothes to wear was too stressful. The thought of having to have a shower was even worse.

You said that today she is out in the sun, (great mood lifter) but that your DH is angry because she isn't dealing with the room...so what is it? You just want her out of bed, or you want her up to speed entirely?

You can't do everything for her, but right now you need to take a step back and start expecting less.

[SouthWestmom]

Am offline now for a bit but will read back later.

[SouthWestmom]

Liz, that's really interesting. I will try to talk to her and see what she wants to try.

[SouthWestmom]

Thanks sandy - dh has taken a while to get his head round our Ds with asd, and until we had DC his life was unaffected by SEN or mental health needs so it's a bit of a shock I think.

It is hard because she does need to do some stuff for herself - I can't do it for her.

As I said earlier I'm going to go back through the thread to pick out some of the good suggestions we haven't tried.

I'm also going to ring the GP to see if he can give me some telephone advice about what's reasonable etc.

I just think if she got up and did something she would feel better.

I'm sorry your dd seems to be stuck in a similar rut, sandy, I don't have any solutions.

[LizKeen]

Sorry, I meant more by her and within the household.

Is she in touch with her emotions...is she self aware or is it all a bit of a muddle in her head?

I found that the first step to me recovering from depression was really recognising the feelings, and not trying to push them down by distracting myself or zoning out.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

My DH is similar to yours, he doesn't get cross with her though, but he's opted out of trying to help and leaves me to it. He said the other day he feels powerless and doesn't no how to 'fix her', so buries his head in the sand instead. He feels as her father that he should be able to do something but can't.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Why are so so many of our teens like this now, it's a massive concern - I seem to read more and more about it every day. It is that we are more open about it all, I don't remember hearing about any of my friends/year group/older kids going through this sort of thing when I was at secondary school in the early 80s.

My DD is younger, 15 (year 10), but is becoming increasingly anxious about all sorts of things. CAHMS weren't interested as she wasn't self harming or suicidal!! Her ideal day is to emerge from bed about 2pm, then spend the rest of the day in her PJs on the sofa, under a blanket, on her ipad/phone. I don't think she would leave her room if the wifi reached there! Thankfully I've managed to persuade DH not to replace the crap old router.

I know school is a much more pressured environment now, and social media wasn't around when I was a teen. They're expected to be academic, beautiful, sporty, popular, have several hobbies ...... it's all too much, maybe it reaches a peak and they decide its easier to opt out.

Sorry for my ramble OP, I know it's no help to you at all. I hope your DD emerges from this soon as its such a waste of a young life.

[SouthWestmom]

Yes she was referred to Camhs and yes GP has acknowledged it. GP reluctant, hence self help advice.

[SouthWestmom]

Candy what a silly post.

[LizKeen]

Of course it is inevitable. We are all only human.

I know that when someone won't help themselves it drains our sympathy, but for the meantime, so save your own sanity, there is an element of lowering expectations that may be necessary.

I know you have spoken to her. Has the depression been acknowledged? Does she feel that she is depressed? Are there any moments of apparent clarity where she recognises her feelings?

[Georgina1975]

This sounds so hard for you all.

Is there a particular reason that you don't want to try AD? They can be very useful as part of a wide approach to depression and anxiety.

[candykane25]

I think if you're not prepared to try there's not much point us trying to help.
Good luck OP.