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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Teenage son is self harming

49 replies

oldbagofsoot · 27/02/2016 18:26

Hi. I am reaching out because I am desperate. We are a normal family of five. My husband and I are happily married, we don't argue (except the usual grumpy stuff about rubbish and dishwashers). We live in a large 5 bed house in a lovely area. My three sons are handsome and clever. My eldest is very bright - he nailed his GCSEs doing no work. He is now failing his A'levels. The school has called us in because of it. We don't care if he fails - we just want him alive.
Three days ago my husband had a phone call at work from a lady to say that my son had been to see her because he was in a very dark place. It transpires that he made a doctors appointment himself and got referred.
The school called me yesterday to tell me that he had mentioned he was having suicidal thoughts.
Today I have found out that he has been self-harming. There are 'goodbye' notes under his mattress and a diary on his floor saying how he needs to 'bleed' but cutting himself makes him feel sick (thank goodness he has always been squeamish).
Both of us have tried to talk to him. He doesn't want talk to us. He says we have to trust him and let him work it out on his own. He says he just wants to come home and it 'all be back to how it was' ie before we knew. He says that we only want to talk to him to make ourselves feel better and that we aren't listening to what HE wants - which is to be left alone to manage by himself.

I just want to know that he isn't going to kill himself. We can deal with the rest. He is going through the CAHMS route himself but we can get paid for help and also via our BUPA cover.

Can he, at 16yrs, really 'do this' himself?

OP posts:

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GnomeDePlume · 06/03/2016 11:43

From what I am seeing with DD, there is a lot of supervision of medication for young people. As DD is under 18 only a psychiatrist can prescribe ADs for her. She started with a very low dose and does not feel it is impacting on her studies. She has GCSEs this year.

dahliaa · 06/03/2016 09:45

Thank so much for the info Gnome.
I'm really struggling to make a decision re medication - mainly because he has AS exams in about 10 weeks. I really couldn't care less about the exams and would be more than happy for him to just stop this year with the aim of rethinking everything for this year. But at the moment he does want to continue - and I am concerned that if he doesn't do the exams and ends up a year behind that will affect him even more.
(When I started ADs myself I did struggle with side effects quite significantly but great to hear that your daughter was ok.)
OP I'm really sorry for hijacking your thread - I will start a separate one.

GnomeDePlume · 05/03/2016 23:17

Hi Dahliaa, DD started on 10mgs and is now on 20mgs. No problems with starting. I believe it was a low dose to start with.

Also she had sleep problems. Her overdose came at at a time when she was suffering with insomnia.

dahliaa · 05/03/2016 22:34

Gnome I'm so pleased to see that your DD is improving - I hope you don't mind me asking - did she have any problems starring the Prozac ? And what dose is she taking? Thanks

dahliaa · 05/03/2016 22:33

Final add from me for tonight (sorry!) My son has also experienced some sleep paralysis over the last few months (where he wakes up and 'sees' something in the room but can't move.) I looked it up originally and it seemed quite common in young people going through hormonal shifts but now realise that it must have been linked to underlying anxiety :-(

SewButtons · 05/03/2016 22:23

Warning- long and rambly and fairly horrid self harm description

Your son sounds very similar to me as a teen.
Can I ask what his schools have been like? For me I felt under enormous amounts of pressure to do well academically and the transition to A levels where I was not doing as well as well as some other life events triggered a severe depressive episode (I have always experienced mild underlying depression)
I too did (what I now recognise as) really well at gcse and then very poorly at a level because I had to try and I wasn't used to struggling.
What helped me was speaking with some of my teachers, the understanding ones, they allowed me to catch up at my own pace. And I also got a tutor for some subjects.
I absolutely refused to admit to my parents that I was struggling because they were really proud of how I had done at GCSE and because I'd thought I'd done so badly I genuinely believed they were lying so as to not upset me.
This may be entirely irrelevant to your son but I do know a few others who have had similar experiences.

Although it is hard I would think carefully about removing whatever he is using to self harm. As with a previous poster, my worst scars and wounds have been from when I didn't have access to a blade. If he really feels the urge then he will find a way no matter how safe you think you have made it.
(This is really gruesome but I would scratch at my skin until I was bleeding and keep going because it still didn't feel enough).
What would have been more helpful for me would have been easy access to first aid supplies, I would skip lunch so that I could use the money for first aid because I knew my mother would notice if things went missing regularly from the first aid box.

I did write endlessly about ending it all but more as a way to get the urge out of my head than as any actual intention to do something.

Unlike previous posters I was actually handed antidepressants really easily... probably quite irresponsibly. I was prescribed citalopram at 16. I was also prescribed an anxiety medication but I don't recall which one.

Re bupa and cahms. I would try to get your son to agree to sit down and discuss it (in a neutral space, i.e. living room so that he can leave the room if he wants). Say that he is welcome to sort things out himself but that you want him to have the best opportunity to do so. I presume that all you would need to do would be authorise any payment? Agree to have as little involvement as is necessary with a view to building up if when he feels comfortable with it.

GnomeDePlume · 05/03/2016 21:54

Hi sorry to take so long to reply, DD is taking Fluoxetine.

Our experience was that there was no reason. DD has said repeatedly, there is no problem at school. She isnt bullied, she isnt struggling with anything.

iyamehooru · 05/03/2016 21:35

So sorry to read this

Recognise his need to self harm and allow him to do it, sometimes it's a relief without it leading to more serious self harm. Rubber band round wrist and flick,when need to feel pain for example.

Is he being bullied
Is he struggling with his sexuality, identity, to fit in?
Might he be smoking weed or taking drugs/alcohol

Even if none of these apply just try to accept his reality and ask him how you can support him and discuss how,you move forward without the fear of fatal self harming.

Home is his safe place, that's why he is at his worst behaved there, he knows he's safe and loved.

dahliaa · 05/03/2016 21:30

Sorry meant to add - two other things about your messages really resonated with me.
My son is handsome too (obviously I'm completely biased - but he genuinely is and people regularly comment on it.) It makes it even harder to understand the total lack of self esteem.
I have also taken a small dose of ADs long term (first affected when I was about 30.). I take the equivalent of about 10mg of Prozac but work full time in senior very busy job etc - doesn't have impact on me day today.
So like you I wonder if there is a genetic link.

dahliaa · 05/03/2016 21:16

I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to say I'm so grateful that you started this thread as we are in very similar situation. 16 year old DS has just been diagnosed with depression and has been seen by CAHMS. My lovely boy is broken and I need to rebuild him but I feel terrified and aware that I need to keep as calm as possible.
We are in the process of deciding whether to go down the medication route - not sure what to do for the best.
You sound like a lovely mum.

MajesticWhine · 05/03/2016 12:58

Gnome I'm glad your DD is recovering. Do you mind saying which AD she is on? Our CAMHS service are very cautious about medication and have not prescribed anything but I will get a 2nd opinion if I feel we need to.

GnomeDePlume · 04/03/2016 08:34

We are in a similar boat. Last summer DD(16) took an overdose of paracetamol. Meant a few days in hospital on a drip. At the same time the extent of her self-harming was revealed (she had been burning herself as well as cutting). This meant a crisis referral to CAMHS.

I have to say that CAMHS have been very good. The crisis counselling was not great but DD was referred on to a psychiatrist and a new counsellor. She is taking ADs and this seems to have helped a lot. DD did a lot of her own research apparently the combination of CBT and ADs is supposed to be the most effective.

DD was similar to you DS oldbagofsoot, successful at school, no problems with bullying, she even did a lot of work promoting teenage mental health in the school (physician heal thyself!).

Sometimes I think it is just brain chemistry. Just one of those things like chickenpox or something.

for you. This is a horrible time as a parent. You question everything you have done from infancy to now to wonder if this is something you caused.

plantlady · 03/03/2016 18:14

We're going through very similar with DS2 who is 16. Looks like he has had depression for a couple of years but was finally diagnosed in January. Thankfully he wants me in all his counselling sessions which is incredibly upsetting at times but does at least let me know how he is feeling. It is also helping to keep the lines of communication open. He is going to school (CAMHS has told them he needs to go for the routine - he also has Aspergers and anxiety issues - and not going would make things worse) but not always there is mind and sometimes tells me what he has been thinking about like today he was thinking about different ways of harming himself (yes he told me what they were) but he also said that self harming (he has done a little bit) was a way of making the mental pain of living physical and helped make it easier to bear.

he has been on Prozac for a short while and yes, it has made some of his symptoms worse, he has had side effects which haven't been very nice BUT he has also started having a bit more mental energy and is coping in some lessons now. We've even seen the odd day where we see our son as he was.

And yes he restricts his eating (unless it is chocolate) and is very fussy. As others have said, teenagers want to get better but sometimes the mental pain they are feeling can be overwhelming and they don't know how to cope. It's so hard as a parent to see them so hurt and know that this is one pain you can't make better, unlike the bumps and scraped of yore. Sounds like you are doing well being there, listening and being available if DS wants to talk. Encourage the talking as much as you can.

We don't have any family history of mental illness, so don't know where all this came from. Only last week the psychologist was teasing out the mental state of DS as she was worried and it was an 'uh oh moment' when I realised she was trying to determine whether he was safe enough to allow him to stay at home.

Actually, just realised I've been waffling too. As well as getting DS talking, look after you and talk to anyone who'll listen. it really helps

t875 · 02/03/2016 07:18

I got the February news letter from young minds they have quite a bit on self harm on there it might be worth a look.

I hope your son can be referred and get the help he needs quickly my daughter went through a tough spell when she was 14 - despairing sad and we found a note she said though she was just ranting here and there. She developed social anxiety and thought everyone was talking about her couldn't focas on her work started slipping back and believing she couldn't do it.
Thank god she isn't in that phase now where it's as bad as that.
We put a lot of interior design pieces up with positive affirmations, got her into things she enjoys ( for her it's cooking/ baking) when she does something it builds on her confidence too. Plenty of time as a family. Taken her off the computer more as she would get depressed when she's been on it all the time.
Organise holidays/ family days out / sleepovers with her friends - things she can look forward too.
Asked her about her future, what car she wants, if she will have a pet when she moved out - that sort of thing. All they see is the now and can't get passed what they are in.
Lastly check his computer all he is looking at.
I wish i done this sooner as my daughter was looking on websites pro Anna and websites which encourage to fast and not eat. She also had a friend that was going through a dark spell and was telling my dd all about it kind of taking her down it too. So check on his messages and see what his friends are up too and if they are going through any tough spells.

Good luck to you. We are not in the dark times now but she still gets anxiety and the eating thing we are being referred xx

MajesticWhine · 01/03/2016 22:23

Good new about the referral.
No I wouldn't cancel the holiday. At least not without much more information about why it would be bad for him. It could just be teenage moaning and not to do with his mental health. You can't be held to ransom. DD has tried a similar thing to get out of a family trip. I said no because she gets a lot of the things she wants, including a fantastic school trip coming up in the summer, so she can't use suicidal thoughts to get out of certain things because it suits her.

PirateSmile · 01/03/2016 20:40

That's a positive step and I hope it brings him the help he needs.

oldbagofsoot · 01/03/2016 20:26

So - my son has been fast-tracked a CAHMS referral - based on what we have said to the emotional support lady, I guess. that he was self harming and the notes we found. He is eating better and seems a bit more sociable but so distant from us its like having a lodger in the house.

We are going away as a family this Easter - we do it every year - rent a cottage and the boys go walking etc.My son has announced it would be really bad for him to go right now - I guess being in an isolated cottage in the hills, with no friends and not much to do isn't the ideal. But do we cancel the holiday or 'carry on as normal' and drag him with us?

OP posts:

Tootsieglitterballs · 28/02/2016 21:48

Hi oldbagofsoot , I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I was a self harmer from age 12 for about 10 years. I do occasionally still get the feeling that I need to do it, but have only done it once in the last 5 years.

I cut myself. I'm not proud of what I did, but it's part of me. I was very low. It was a release. Every time I cut, I felt a huge release. The last time I did it, I got that same feeling of release.

I have no magic words for you. I'm so sorry.

The only thing I can say, is the last thing I wanted to do was to talk about it. But knowing that people were there for me if I needed them to be was massive. I found talking to new friends once I started college easier than talking to older friends and family.

Eventually, self harming cost me a relationship. I was so messed up myself that I didn't realise that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. It was only when the relationship ended, I realised this and I vowed to get my head straight and not to harm myself again.

Your son needs to know you are there and that he is in a safe environment. don't push him to talk, and don't act differently around him. Be positive, be calming and he will talk to you when he is ready.

Positivity breeds positivity.

andadietcoke · 28/02/2016 21:21

Oh, don't worry, now I know how bonkers it sounds, but at the time I genuinely couldn't see what the problem was. At the time people told me I'd have to live with the scars forever, and I didn't bat an eyelid, but it's so true. Every interview, every new acquaintance, every time someone's eyes go to my arms, I wonder what they're thinking. It still hurts, deeply, when someone asks me about it. It's normally on holiday as the scar tissue doesn't behave like normal skin. It's good to have a story ready.

My mum bought a book called 'a bright red scream' by Marilyn somebody I think. It would be many years old now, and probably situated in a world where self harm was much less common, but both of us found it useful.

MajesticWhine · 28/02/2016 17:49

There isn't an easily identifiable reason for my DD either. She is intelligent, attractive and talented. She has a good group of friends. She goes to a lovely school. I am fairly sure it's not a sexuality thing. I think these things are complex and possibly unfathomable. Therapist thinks maybe she is angry with us and is taking it out on herself.

PirateSmile · 28/02/2016 15:35

You must feel so bewildered. It could be due to a million different things or nothing at all. If I'd be you, I'd be wondering about sexuality, especially if his life has been incredibly conventional up to now. I hope you get the help and support you need.

oldbagofsoot · 28/02/2016 14:10

I have no idea if he did or didn't. its for yr 12s and he's only just started that. I don't know what the underlying problem is. He isn't bullied and never has been and has always had friends, and 'in with the crowd' so to speak as well as everyone else - friends across the board. We don't put pressure on him because he has been bright enough to cruise through, doing really well with little or no effort. We have a stable home life - happily married, never really argue except. Extended family is all stable etc etc- no divorces in the family on either side.

OP posts:

PirateSmile · 28/02/2016 13:46

Did your ds hear him speak oldbagofsoot? He gives advice about mental health first aid. His big theme is that chlldren should experience adversity in order to make them more resilient.
What do you think the underlying problem is? Bullying, pressure to succeed, something else?

oldbagofsoot · 28/02/2016 12:49

piratesmile: I can't see how he can help though - seems he goes to schools and gives talks. my sons' school is on the list

OP posts:

PirateSmile · 28/02/2016 12:32

This man is brilliant.

www.dickmoore.org

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