Clothes for DD

[linda1756]

My DD's dad (who I admittedly left a long time ago) doesn't pay a satisfactory amount towards my DD's needs per month. He has recently began paying £200 a month (which doesn't reflect the amount he could pay with his income), but my DD has began driving (we alternate with lesson costs, she pays one, I pay the next) but I can't seem to afford everything. After a phone contract and gym membership, I don't feel I have enough. DD does have a job on top of A levels but she has recently asked for a £25 dress for a party and I don't feel that I should have to pay for it when her dad pays bugger all! What do I do?

[BeaufortBelle]

To be honest I'd ditch the driving lessons if she won't need to or be able to drive for four or five years. We did it with ds at 17, dd isn't bothering until later.

Let her have fun and a good time. You won't change your ex and he doesn't sound as though he deserves the mental energy.

[WilLiAmHerschel]

Don't be ridiculous. He's her father.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Sorry - look at it this way - for 17 years you have cared for her sat up at night worried struggled fought and cried with her been taxi service maid nurse guardian and fed and clothed her - all for £200 a month - which she no doubt eats - what about heating lights clothes food petrol holidays???

He should pay - you should not feel guilty!!

[linda1756]

BeaufortBelle yes I think that's what we might have to do. We have wasted a lot of mental energy on him over the years.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding thank you for your kind words, the situation we are in is very difficult to deal with and I agree that he should be paying more. However, it does make me feel awful to guilty.

[BeaufortBelle]

Yes, he should pay and you shouldn't feel guilty but you won't and can't change other people. You can change how you handle them and how you let them make you feel.

Enjoy your DD and laugh with her. Invest your love and feelings in her and being joyful. Bitterness about him however much of a shite he is won't Chang the past, present or future.

[Pinkfluffyglitteryunicorns11]

My DDs dad has never paid either. He ignores CSA till they get to point of taking from salary then he leaves and the cycle continues. DD is 15 and I've had £90 since birth , shocking. I find it beyond shocking that people can cut their kids from their lives with no guilt then refuse to pay. He even pretended to CSA that he gave me 100 cash a week to slow the process down, but we haven't seen him for 5 years let alone get cash from him, oh he tried Claiming she wasn't his DD to

[linda1756]

I've never been through the CSA since recently. He used get away with £50 a month. Now he pays £200. Pinkfluffyglitteryunicorns11 I honestly feel for you. Myself and my daughter have gone through hell. When I was as single I had to pay for child care and everything on my own. In your case, Claiming she wasn't his daughter is such a horrendous thing to do! Are things any better now? X

[Pinkfluffyglitteryunicorns11]

No still don't see him, hear from him or get a penny from him! I'd have to pay £20 to the new child support company so not sure whether to do it he's avoided it for 15 years he'd find a way not to.

[Peebles1]

Re: a monthly budget, DD gets the child benefit. I used to get mine when I was her age (family allowance then) and it seems a fair way to decide on an amount. When I'm feeling skint and something like the dress issue crops up I go halves with her - £12.50 doesn't seem as bad to either of you. No advice on the ex, no experience but it sounds bloody unfair to me! Keep it up, you're doing a great job!

[BackforGood]

I think the fact your ex isn't paying his fair whack is an important but separate issue.

You are paying out an awful lot for her. If you give her a set budget a month, then it will focus what is most important to her at that time.... she might decide to put the driving lessons on hold, save that money, then do them in a block when she has some money saved, or she might realise a new dress probably isn't crucial to enjoying her night out, or she might choose to do some other exercise that doesn't cost as much as monthly gym membership.... all equally valid choices, but she has to make the choice, the same as most people in life do - not many people can jut have what they want, most have to choose between x and y, or cut back on A to be able to spend on B.