MY DD hates me.

[Nomore1]

My dd will be 21 in 2 days time and hasn't spoken to us for almost 2 years now. She met her BF when she was a happy 17 1/2 year old and within weeks they were inseparable. He used to hang around with one of her friends at school although he had left to go to college and l think he was the reason she failed her 1st year of A Levels (she was an A* student) anyway they got together in the Sep 2012 and within weeks she had dropped her A Levels to do a college course she said would be better than A Levels as it was in the field she wanted to work, she applied without telling us and got a place. We agreed to let her swap but little did we know what lay ahead. This course meant she only had to go to college 3 days a week and the days she didn't go were the same day BF had off too - convenient.

If he wasn't our house she had to be at his to all hours. lf she went out with friends he always had to go or would just turn up. She was texting him upto 500 times a day even if she saw him.

By Christmas she had dropped all her friends, stopped going out and they just sat at home watching reruns on telly or baking cakes (our dd didn't like cooking and had never been interesting in learning even when she was little and told her cookery teacher cooking was not for her but now it was all she wanted to do because it was what he wanted to do).

The first time my OH met BF's mother she was so proud to tell my OH that she was going to be her eldest DD's birthing partner and that would be us soon. Christmas eve we had BF and his mother round for food and drink but would you believe she never invited us to her house when she invited our DD to spend Boxing Day with them and when my OH went to collect our DD they left him sitting in the car for almost an hour.

Things go more difficult after Christmas and the run up to her 18th birthday and it was like walking on eggshells we could not say or do anything right. But just after her 18th birthday we noticed that she was wearing a wedding ring on her left hand and when we asked about it she flow into a rage saying she had had it for ages and it was nothing to do with us.

By this time l thought it was time l spoke to his mother - big mistake- she told me she had asked our DD to move in with them and it was time she rebelled and she had run away from her parents when she was 16 with her BF who she later married and it was an abusive relationship and that wedding ring was her's and she had given it to her son (she has 2 older DD's neither married but both have children why didn't she give it to 1 of them?) and he didn't know what to do with it so he gave it to our DD. That was the day she never came home and we lost her for good.

We talked to her friends and they all said they don't like him and he has issues. This scares me.

He always used to say he had 3 mums, he has never had a dad around and his sisters had their BF's to stayover any time they liked and he shared his mum's bed until he was about 11 or 12, his sister's moved out within 6 weeks of each other and didn't speak to their mum for several years - do you see a pattern with this family or is it just me.

I think l have come to the end now and just feel it i.s time to go

[Nomore1]

We have to accept it as it seems to be what she wants and there is nothing we can do about it. We have waited almost 3 years for her to even remember we are alive and have been ignored at every step. l just see what else we can do.

[karaline]

I'd like to echo what others have said, this is an awful, frightening situation for you to be in. I'd be worried sick and feel very hurt if my daughter did something like this.

I've been in an abusive relationship in the past and I know how difficult it can be to have a clear perspective while you're in them, especially when there are other people enabling the abusive partner, or reinforcing their perspective or gaslighting. Because your daughter is living with this boys family all or any combination of the above could be going on.

This is my advice

Don't give up on her -let it be known that you love her unconditionally, keep sending the cards, but don't push for meetings. Give her space, make sure she knows you're available if things go tits up (and it sounds like they will) but don't push her.

Try not to say condemning or negative things about the boyfriend and his family. This will be incredibly hard, but she sounds like quite a stubborn, headstrong girl (one of those personality traits that's very good in some ways and terrible in others) and what you want to avoid at all costs is alienating her. What may happen if you make your views about him too plain it could have two effects, she might decide she has to make it work with him to prove that you were wrong not to trust her

Or if it does go wrong (I'd imagine it is already -no relationship is perfect and this one is already sounds worryingly intense and bordering on abusive from the narrow perspective you've been able to give us) she maybe feel too ashamed or embarrassed to admit it to you. Young people will go to all sorts of lengths to avoid hearing 'I told you so.'

And try not to blame yourself, or worry too much, partly because she is an adult and there isn't too much you can do at this point, but also because she is young, and resilient, she may be making some poor life choices at the moment but she'll have plenty of time to get it right when she does see sense.

And she will learn to appreciate what she has in you, it might take having a baby of her own to make her realise (and hopefully that won't happen for a while yet) but she will.

Good Luck

[Nomore1]

We found out that she has moved away don't know where but that is what she wanted to be with her wonderful love and his family and for us not to know where she is or what she is doing. This is what his family wanted all along for her to be as far away from us as possible after all they planned it right from the moment she met this family. I think it is now time we too moved away and started a new life, people do it all the time start over (how they forget their old life l do not know) reinvent them selves so maybe this is what we should do after all she doesn't want to know us any more. We have tried the holidays and hobbies but that only lasts a short while because this is like a weight we carry around and never goes away and every day is getting harder.

[Tagetes]

It sounds awful but continuously beating yourself up about a situation over which you have absolutely no control will not help your daughter and will certainly not help you or the rest of your family. Someone upthread suggested counselling - do consider it. It can help you come to terms with what's happening and may allow you to accept that all you can do is be there for her if (when) she contacts you. Don't think of it as starting a new life - just getting on with the good parts that you still have.

My brother decided he wanted nothing to do with me almost 10 years ago. He has now made contact again and we are meeting up in a few weeks time. It can happen.

[lavenderdoilly]

She will come back to you.
But this is torture for you and I am so sorry you are going through it. I know that talking to someone will not bring her back sooner but please reconsider it.
It is easier for her to kid herself that she must make this stupid break. Coming back will be very hard for her to decide to do but it will happen.

[Penfold007]

Currently for whatever reason your D wishes to have no contact with you, respect her choice. Carry on with your own lives and be kind to yourselves. It's hard but carry on, if and when she is ready she will make contact.

[nanetterose]

How was life before your daughter met her boyfriend.
Without wanting to sound nosey... Do you think things were as rosy as you have explained? I have a teen so totally understand the pressures of the time.
I'm wondering if something else made her 'turn' even before the boyfriend came along.
You mentioned that you believe he contributed to her changing courses/ bad results. Is it possible it had nothing to do with him? Do you think your daughter was attempting to 'strike out' alone?

[Nomore1]

Before our DD met him she was a happy, normal teenager who loved spending time with her friends and family. She a job she loved and was doing the A'Levels she chose to do and we supported her in every way. She had just done her Gold DofE and was planning to go to Uni but within weeks of going out with him she stopped seeing her friends unless he was there, broke of friendships and no longer wanted to go to work all she wanted to do was be with him 24/7 nothing else mattered. She was on the phone to him all the time. Almost overnight we were the bad guys. We tried really hard to talk to him and even had him and his mother over for dinner l don't think we could have done anymore. His mother told me she had been asking her to move in for months which must have been right from the start and we don't know why she turned on us perhaps if we knew it wouldn't be so hard but she won't even tell us why. I don't think we can do anymore.

[AbbieLexie]

My heart goes out to you. Same scenario here at one point except it was her father doing the same behaviour. I was consumed with the loss. It affected every aspect of my life. I needed to make some decisions about how I was going to manage this as life didn't seem worth living. I emailed my daughter a short email (3 or 4 sentences) every Sunday, talking about the week, work, weather nice, been in the garden, what cakes I had baked, how the dogs were ... Hoped her week had gone well - when she had time it would be nice to see her or meet up. At the time I didn't know if she had read any of them. I pushed my luck once over this 18 months when her great uncle died about her coming to the funeral. She did come.

She returned home in bits but no questions asked. I don't know all that went on but she did read the emails it transpires! Her father's behaviour is the same as you describe the boyfriends'. In the last year some information about that time has been shared. Our relationship is better now than it ever was but I don't ever ever wish to go through something like that again.

Don't give up - keep an open door.

[ImperialBlether]

I've often thought of you, OP, and wondered how things were with you and your daughter.

It must be so difficult for you. I can't imagine she'll stay in that relationship for too long - she's an intelligent girl and she will soon see the manipulation that's gone on around her. The only hope is that when she shakes them off she knows she can come back to you.

For that reason I'd be very wary of moving house. I hope she comes to her senses soon.

[ImperialBlether]

That was so moving, Abbie. What finally prompted her to come home, do you know?

I think it's similar to being in a cult, isn't it? It takes enormous strength to break free.

[DebCee]

Is it really like being in a cult? She met a boy, fell madly in love with him and wanted to be with him all the time. That doesn't sound that unusual to me.

It's very sad that she doesn't want anything to do with you and I can see that must break your heart. But I can't see that he has done anything particularly sinister.

[ImperialBlether]

I think it's very similar to a cult where you break off all relations with your family and all of your friends, yes. You become convinced the guy and his family are all you need - I can't believe that that happens without manipulation. Think of the boy's mum saying she was going to be her birth partner, when there wasn't even a baby due. Saying that to the girl's mother is a very hostile and manipulative act, IMO.

[AbbieLexie]

He went to far. Same types of games played about family as Nomore1 describes. There was an open door for her to return. No recriminations. If that period is referred to she becomes visible upset. Partly I think because she can't believe how she was drawn into it and went along with it.

[Nomore1]

So DeeCee we just walk away because she met a boy and fell madly in love with him and his family? I don't remember giving up my friends and family for a boyfriend but then perhaps l didn't get that memo or that one that said forget your family just have his.