Not the mother/daughter relationship I hoped for

[tiredmamma]

I have a 14 year old daughter. I as so sad that we just don't have the relationship I hoped for. I would love to be able to guide her, help her through the growing up stuff - friendships, boys, make-up, looking after herself - all of that teenage stuff.

Instead she seems to think sometimes that I can interpret what she wants from some hint she drops. An example - a few days ago at a friends house her friend plucked my daughter's eyebrows (first time). I feel sad and cross about it because if I had known she wanted this done I would have brought her to have them done properly, professionally - especially since it was the first time. She just needed to say so. Instead they are over plucked, a bit lopsided and well, a bit dreadful. Last week she told me some friends have had their eyebrows done in salons, but she didn't ask if she could do so. I was supposed to know that that was what she was hinting at. Her eyebrows were actually lovely, so I suppose it never occurred to me that she should have them done.

Maybe I have an idealised notion of it, but I wish we were able to chat about stuff, if she would ask me questions, just be a bit more open and willing to communicate more than minimally. I know this works both ways so I must be making a mess of it, though I try very hard but she just doesn't seem to want to engage with me.

Sorry this got a bit long, thanks for reading. Anybody care to share how I might improve things?

[TuTru]

Well mines back to shaving off and drawing on again now

[nooka]

OP are you sure that your dd was dropping a hint that she wanted to have her eyebrows done at a salon? It might be that when she was at her friend's house it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Teenagers can be quite impulsive after all.

I'd stop beating yourself up for not being able to read minds and stop blaming her for not asking for your help. Let her know that you are happy to pay for a salon and let her decide what she want to do. No big deal really.

I'm not sure that you are idealising what a relationship with a teenage dd could be like. My dd talks to me about all sorts of stuff, and always has done. We generally enjoy spending time together. She also loves to spend time with her friends (and time alone too, she's quite introvert). However it does sound like you might be looking to create a dynamic that you would have liked yourself as a teen. I don't think that's unusual we all to some extent try and make up for what we see as our parents parenting mistakes, but you might need to try and let go of the associated emotions.

[TuTru]

Oh god good luck.
I took my daughter for brow waxing and tinting from that age, and her legs too. She still decided to shave them off and draw them on for the last 3 yrs.
I remember thinking how my mum never done any of these kinds of things for/with me and that my DD was lucky. Truth is, it's just an awful age and no matter what you do or say it'll seem futile and endless.
My DD is 18 next month and just this week said to me she might grow her eyebrows back and could she get them waxed and tinted with me again. After years of looking like either Voldermort or like she's used a marker pen on them she's finally realising I'm on her side, after all.
From what I gather, ALL teenagers, especially girls, are like this with their mothers. Just hang in there, be there, and she will come back to you. Xx

[JustDanceAddict]

My DD is 13 & I have a good relationship with her. I am probably a bit too involved, but am sure she tells her friends stuff that she doesn't tell me & that's what it should be like. She told me weeks ago she want d her eyebrows done so we went, but not sure she enjoyed it(!) and now they've grown back, but it f she'd had them done by a friend I would say 'do you want me to take you to a salon next time?' So you have opened up the channels of communication. I think all teens have tried dodgy beauty regimes (I did sun-in at that age, plus fake tan which was orange in the 80s - as was my hair too) & we need to let them experiment too so don't feel too bad. Some teens are open w their parents & some not though. All one can do is let them know we are there for them in a non-judgy way.

[tiredmamma]

No, celerysoup, I am not blaming her for the communication problem.

But Atenco has pointed out something else that DD and I spoke about - it is best to say clearly what you think or want or need. I would like her to learn to do that rather than hoping the other person will interpret the hint correctly. So in relation to this aspect of communication, in this instance, maybe I am "blaming" her. Because I think it is a important thing to learn. The broader issue I am not blaming her for, I have asked for advice on how I might improve things.

[SheGotAllDaMoves]

I think when we have a relationship with our DC where they can talk to us about anything, it is sometimes a surprise what they do actually talk about.

My DD is not much bothered about grooming etc. She has everything at her disposal (I'm well groomed) and will occasionally ask. But not often.

However, she will talk to me about lots of other things. And often. Dating, sex, relationships. Health and happiness. The future. Are all current favourite topics. But those topics change depending on what's on her mind I guess.

[Atenco]

My dd was just getting over being a nightmare at 14 and that was sixteen years ago, so I'm not up to scratch. But the important thing is to keep the communication lines open and there are some good suggestions here. Part of it though is talking about yourself. I mean in a light sense, not in such a way that we turn them into our carers.

But what caught my eye was you trying to read her hints. Surely as a parent you want to teach to say what she wants or thinks without to be an expert in decyphering their meaning. So many adults never say what they want and then complain when they don't get it.

[Celerysoup3]

It sounds like you are blaming your DD for the communication problem when infact you are the adult and the more responsible one in the relationship

Does it really matter that her friend plucked her eyebrows? Instead say 'wasn't it kind of your friend to pluck your eyebrows. Would you like me to book you in for a professional one too when they've grown back, for a little birthday treat'

[tiredmamma]

Thanks to you all for replying.

Much of what you all have said really rings true. I have wanted DD to know that I am always there for her but going about it the wrong way. I will give her more time and space - this is what I haven't been doing.

When I was DD's age I would have loved somebody to talk to about all this teenage stuff, to be interested in how I was getting on with skincare, haircare, make-up and all that. But that wasn't available to me. But DD is not me so I must get over that.

[notquiteruralbliss]

In my experience (4 DDs aged from 13 to early 20s) they do need to detach and work things out for themselves. My main role has been as sounding board / safety net and that 's fine. As they get older, they come back. I gad a lovely coffee and a chat with 19yo this morning, having not seen her for a week or so.

[PenelopePitstops]

Wise words imperial, being guided by your parents is a mandate for them to push their lives on to yours. Let her grow as she wants.

[PenelopePitstops]

I think she is partly detaching from you and making her own way. She needs to be independent and make her own choices however wrong you think they are. Perhaps part of it is that she thinks you will be unsupportive of her choices.

Deep down sbe probably knows she can talk to you, you have to accept she is choosing not to. Give it 10 years and she most probably will talk to you again.

Also you need to adjust your reactions otherwise she will hide more from you because she will expect disapproval. Let her know you are always there and give her time and space. She is growing up.

[ImperialBlether]

Never ever tell her you want to guide her. It might be what you want but it won't be what she wants to hear.

[Mrsjayy]

Yes cagey is the right word

[SanityClause]

Link as promised

[SanityClause]

DD1 (16) often used to be a bit cagey about things, and I would feel upset that she didn't ask for help, when I would have been delighted to give it.

Then she broke up with her boyfriend, and really needed me. She really learnt that I was there for her, then. We are much closer now, although she does have her moments (and don't we all, really!).

DD2 (14) is getting better at talking to me about her issues (which are not small).

But sometimes, it's important to remember that part of being a teenager, is also moving away from your parents, and becoming more independent in solving your own problems.

I agree with AllDaMoves, that some of the best bonding is had when sitting in a car. Sometimes you say more, when it's not face to face.

And if no ones recommended it to you yet, have a look at Get Out Of My Life, But First Take Me And Alex Into Town. (I'll do a separate post with a link.)

[Mrsjayy]

Dd2 is too open and talks about stuff i think its personality as well.

[Mrsjayy]

My eldest dd was like this it drove me nuts if i said anything i was prying if i offered advice i was intruding sigh It was all so frustrating,
i dont really have any advice just keep talking to her yeah you might have handled a bit badly but its a learning curve imo nobody parents right all the time we make mistakes and open our mouths and let rubbish rant out sometimes
. Dd put herself on the pill at 16 I had offered to take her at 15 or make her an appointment so she could go her periods were horrible but she told me it was fine

so i was a bit upset when she didnt tell me my friend who has a dd a bit older said well at least you approached it and she went. She is an adult now and they do come back to you

[BoboChic]

As a mother you cannot expect your DD to give you instructions as to the upbringing and support she requires. Don't wait for your DD to tell you what she needs (professional eyebrow plucking) - work it out and give it to her. Parents who don't do normal age appropriate things for their DC "because their DC haven't asked" (sleepovers/mobiles/eyebrows or whatever) are failing to parent. DC don't come with instructions.

[tiredmamma]

I soon have to go off-line for a while but in the mean time I have plenty food for thought.

I get it that I missed the hint about the eyebrows. Then I messed up in the aftermath. She was and is still upset herself about the result, so maybe we've both learned something. You see I thought her eyebrows were lovely, so I was a bit blinded by that

In terms of romanticising how this all would be - guilty, a bit - but HSM phrases it better in her post when she says "if only she understood that she can talk to me about anything"...... that's close to what I was trying to convey.

Maybe, from what many of you have said, its about me accepting that she can talk to me but she doesn't have to, she won't always do so but hopefully she will about important things. There have been some nice ideas from many posters about measures I can take to make that more likely.

Thanks to you all.

[ChilliPeanut]

I have two teen dds. Mostly they're quite open, sometimes they're moody and a bit of a closed shop . Don't bite back when they get like that, overlook it if you can. I just try to keep communication open so they know I'm always here to discuss and help with anything.

Dd1 wanted to colour her hair. She was all for bunging on anything from a box, but I knew we would be heading for disaster and convinced her to let me take her to a salon. I think she was surprised I didn't mind her colouring her hair, but my concern was that it would go horribly wrong and she'd be upset.

One thing I have noticed is that they tend to open up more away from home. A trip to the shops, lunch and me buying a few bits and pieces and they chat away about all sorts. It's so much more casual than me sat on their beds asking what's wrong for the umpteenth time.

[BackforGood]

What BigButtons and RiverCam have said.
I think you have an idealised notion of all this too.

Part of being a teen is about going off and being advised by your mates. Part of it is making fashion mistakes etc. I'd be far more about a 14 yr old who lets her Mum advise her on everything. This is the time for them to learn their way in terms of who to listen to, when to stick with own judgement, when to experiment, etc.

[HSMMaCM]

I know what you mean. DD is 16 now and if she only understood that she can talk to me about anything ...

However ... She does talk to me about most of the things that really matter (not all).

Just keep the lines of communication open and she will talk when she's ready.

the comment about her friends eyebrows was definitely a conversation starter

[Vernonon]

I've started reading what dd reads - hunger games etc - and her favourite thing is to watch a film -same kind of genre - with me when her sister is on a sleepover. We go shopping together and I recently took her for a manicure. I think you do have to do what they want rather than expect them to follow your lead.

[Rivercam]

your daughter is being a teen, eerie ting with her looks and growing up. All teens go through this phase of independence and self discovery, and hopefully come out the other side a mature young lady.

You do sound slightly like you have romanticised the relationship you envisaged having with your daughter. However, you can put in measures to enhance your relationship with her. I've go for girly shopping trips at the local shopping centre, go for coffee, go,to a chick flick at the cinema together, or get into the habit of having a takeaway pizza on a Friday night.

It doesn't have to be anything complicated. I think the most important thing for teens is time and a readiness to listen when needed.