teenage boy....what am i doing wrong???!!!!

[Templar24]

Hi...i thought i was the only one going through this...i am totally near the point of giving up yet im ll he's got. My son has been 'less than lovely' for the past 5 years..he's now nearly 16 and his agression towards me and my partner is unbearable. His attendance at schooled averaged 70%...i had constant telephone calls from school...making me feel inadequate as a parent. My son is big..prop forward..im tiny...believe me..when i was on my own i couldnt force him out of bed. He'd square up to me..frighten me...almost ruled the house...but i let him do it and get away with it. 2 years ago i fell in love...been single for 3 so about time...i thought someone by my side...working together... my son would show some respect. How wrong could i be...its got so much worse..he was expelled from school and now is 'home schooled'...although he's never out of bed until 3pmish every day..later at weekends. Today was the worst...he doesnt get on with my partner and when they're home together i get constant txs and phonecalls about rows they'ved had...piggy in the middle and its started to effect my job. My partner maintains my son shold be up at 11am and doing his planned school work...which i agree with...my son sleeps through alarm...a small riot erupts. This isnt the first time but i really am at the point of giving up...he's scarey when he's abusive...he wishes my partner dead...he's told me to choose between them...he swears and shouts at him..telling him where to go but not that politely. Ive been outside my house before too scared to go in as my partners on nights and me and my son have had a row about him sleeping until 4 , doing absoutely nothing in the house (which i know is 'normal' for a teenager) and the total lack of respect for me, my partner, his sister and his nan and he's so angry at me all the time. He had all he wishes for..macbook...3 screen mac thing (!)...i phone..you name it he's got it but it never seems enough. Think i'll shut up now...but any advice or anyone going through the same please get in touch x thank you x

[Alvah]

I understand your concern Templar, and it would be good to make any professional aware of the possible reaction of any intervention...i.e let them know how he is likely to react so that if/when they make contact they do it with his emotional state in mind. They need to risk assess the situation for your family's sake and not come barging in leaving you to pick up the pieces. That would not be help for you, but just make matters worse

I would be seeking support/advice based on his emotional state rather than school/academic issues. It sounds to me like he needs help to deal with his emotions, thoughts and family situation. I do not think taking the hard approach / being firm sounds like the way forward for your son, I think he needs a good support system which can help uncover what it is that is making daily life so difficult for him.

[YeOldTrout]

.

[Templar24]

Thank you for all the kind words. Luckily i have a great boss who is allowing me to wfh to try and put some changes in place. Im going to get brave today and speak to the lady at the council who first visited us re his home schooling...although even now, the thought of it, guilty mum head kicks in and that absolute dread of how he'll react if someone visits us..grunts..anger...blame shifting to my partner..thumping tables doors etc..but then i suppose the professionals are used to that...its just us mums that arent :'(

[Alvah]

Templar24 - sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. I know how hard it is when it is like that and when it goes on for a long period of time, it is a real nightmare.

In situations like this it is often not possible to get him to do what you would like him to (go to school/college, get out of bed etc.) It is like he's taken charge of himself and what he is willing to do and it doesn't sound like he's going to give that up anytime soon!!

It sounds to me like there needs to be some external support put in place, for you, for him and the whole family. So that you can get some help with the situation and find ways forward. Have you asked for advice/help from your GP or the school?

I wish you all the best.

[bstokegirl]

Brave! Thought once about Home schooling, but realised we all need time away from eachother in my house. Threaten to send him back to school. He doesn't have to live with you, he could go into foster care. You've done nice mummy for long enough and it is killing your relationship rather than saving it. Be firm with him.

[Templar24]

Thanks. I hate being 'piggy'!!! I have an 18 yr old too who is off to australia next week...grabs life by the balls and goes for it....no two kids are the same i know but its the agression that terrifies me if im honest...can see it blowing up between my son and partner any day now...i cant relax...work...eat....its simply horrid...hey ho....keep on smiling!!!

[VoldemortsNipple]

Good luck. Teenagers really are sent to try us. I've been quite lucky with ds1 who is also 16 although he is also very lazy at home. But he loves cadets and that keeps him focussed. DD (19) on the other hand teaters on the line most days and I'm constantly caught in the middle of her and dH.

[Templar24]

Thanks...i'll look into that now. I know every parent says it but he's so clever especially with graphic design programmes. That may give him a focus rather than taking it out on me...fingers crossed!

[VoldemortsNipple]

A lot of colleges do vocational courses for 14-16 year olds. Could you have a look for something for September. They seem to be aimed at kids who find school difficult so would be equipped to deal with your ds's behaviour.

[Templar24]

Hi ya.ive tried 'convincing' him to join a different school but honestly..i cant stress enough...if he doesnt want to do something i have no way of making him do it! He does go to the library one day per week to get maths and english lessons...run by the local council...isn't he too young for an apprenticeship? Sorry if that's a dumb question!

[stayathomegardener]

I don't think home schooling is the way forward for you, far too much conflict.
Can your DS join a college or better still start an apprenticeship?