We've been visiting my parents this weekend for a big family get together. I have a large, noisy family and DD has never coped with them very well. She doesn't really speak to anybody, even one on one, and is unable to actually speak to anyone except my mum, and even then only when no one else is there. She can barely even speak to my dad, and she sees him all the time. There were other teens there, and they are all very outgoing, confident types who are very good at sitting next to various aunties and having a chat.
In the past we've always had basic rules - say please, say thank you and goodbye, and answer direct questions. These have always had mixed success, but I have developed a thick skin over the years, and when she was a toddler / primary age I always felt any judging (and there is plenty) was directed at me.
She's 13 now, and I think the dynamic has changed. I don't feel I'm getting judged any more, it feels like she is. Extended family commiserate with me about her "rudeness" as they see it. We no longer get "Isn't she shy?" but now get "Oh dear - stroppy teenager".
I try really hard not to care what they all think, but it's very difficult. Especially when her behaviour is actually rude, or when she just doesn't even answer people.
Today as we were leaving, I took her to one side and threatened that if she didn't say goodbye and thank you, she wouldn't be going to an event later this week that she's really looking forward to. It was probably a bit of an empty threat, but it did the trick and she managed to say goodbye. The second we got in the car she started chatting away to me and laughing, and I just felt like bursting into tears, because she'd sat with her head down looking depressed all afternoon. I'm ashamed to say I had a massive go at her, and told her I was embarrassed and ashamed by her behaviour. I really regret it now, because I think I've just made her even more conscious of her behaviour.
What I really want is to find a way for her to be more able to speak to them without being threatened and bullied by me. Either that or to detach and stop caring. I'm not sure which would be the best way to go.
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Teenagers
Difficult weekend with DD (13) and I don't think I handled it well
18 replies
OccamsLadyshave · 07/12/2014 22:12
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