Help -13yo DS smoking weed I think

[Boysandme]

I have just found texts on my 13yo DS's phone which talk about being stoned. He is going into yr 9 now and has a mixture of friends some from his year but many two years older as he is very good friends with our next door neighbour who is going into yr 11 ( they have pretty much grown up like brothers).

I am absolutely gutted and have no idea what to do. I also found texts (by him) about him being a piece of shit compared to friends and that he's grateful to have them. He clearly has very low self esteem but doesn't really talk to us. He keeps very much to himself.

He is going away this weekend with DH and a group of scouts including young leaders in their mid 20s that he looks up to so may be a chance for someone to have chat but what and who?

I don't know where to start really. My gut says ground him forever but that is extreme. My aim is to stop him rather than punish him. We have family members who work in mental health dealing with the consequences of cannabis use so well aware of the downsides.

Any ideas? (He is currently unaware that I have seen the texts)

[Sootball]

I started smoking at 15, drinking a little at 16 and smoking weed at 16. I discovered I didn't like alcohol but enjoyed pot. My use crept up and up through college but tailed off after university. I'm now teetotal.

[Sootball]

As for heavy. Well it's hard to remember. Except that I was never not stoned, sure I smoked more at a weekend than during the week but skinning up was just one of those things. I did smoke tobacco as well though ans found the nicotine addiction the worst to beat.

I never ever did any hard drugs though. No pills. Just pot.

[Boysandme]

Thank you all so much for your messages.

We have spoken to DS and told him that I had looked at his phone and seen a couple of things that worried me. Firstly the fact that he thinks so little of himself and then he clearly knew what the other was.

It turns out he has tried it 3 times over the last two weeks with the next door neighbour in a local park. Another friend also tried it once.

We approached it in the vein that we weren't going to punish this time but that we wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. We explained about the mental health effects, he said he didn't think it was even harmful as they use it as medicine in the states. We explained the rare circumstances of that and the cnsequences on the growing brain. I said I'd get him some information when he gets back from camp and wanted him to read it so that he understood. He agreed.

He seemed full of remorse and was genuinely ashamed of himself which is hard as he has such low self esteem. We said that we'd expected it to happen at some time but not for a few years he was bowing to peer pressure and not to blame himself. We approached it in that he had made a mistake, we'll draw a line under it and no consequences this time but if he ever does it again there will be strong consequences. We agreed not to tell the parents of the other two boys but we will do if it happens again and we know the NDNs well, the dad would go mad and he can be scary and DH has the other boy's mum's mobile no so he knows they are not idle threats.

We said his friends can come here any time, and actually we redecorated the playroom to be more of a teen room just at the weekend for that purpose. We also said that he is not allowed in the relevant park where they had been going and doing it.

All in all, the conversation went well. He is very remorseful and grateful for us not going mad and understands the consequences if it happens again.

We also talked about his low self esteem, did our best to reassure him that others aren't better than him and said we're always here for him. We also asked if he could think of someone else he could talk to as we understand parents aren't always a teen's first choice of confidante. We asked him to give it some thought.

All in all, I think it went well, we didn't alienate him and will keep a very close eye on him now.

Thank you all very much for your input.

[CiderwithBuda]

Sounds like you handled it very well. Better than I would!

Good luck. Hope this is a wake up call for hm.

[Boysandme]

Thanks Cider, I really hope it's a wake up call and am praying I'm not back here posting again in a while.

Who said kids get easier as they get older??

[CiderwithBuda]

They definitely are not easier. Baby stage was easier. Much easier!

[Claybury]

OP- that sounds satisfactory. I think you did the right thing in not punishing him as such - much better to maintain a good relationship and have a more adult conversation. If I were you I would keep bringing it up over time, pointing out stories in the news, talking about friends who might smoke, and the downsides etc. Don't assume this is a one off thing that will just go away. He will be encountering weed a lot over the next few years, there's no use in treating it is a taboo subject, IYSWIM. It would be better if he feels he can talk to you about it.

[Boysandme]

Thanks Claybury - the problem is I don't think he does see us as people he can confide in and I don't know how to change that. We are often saying how it's tough to be a teenager and we're always there for him / on his side but I don't know how to get through to him so that he actually believes it.

I had a great childhood but hated my parents from about 15 to when I left for university. I just don't want a repeat of that.

From his messages to his current best friend (not involved in this all) he is clearly unhappy, and she is too, and they both talk about not being here if it wasn't for each other, they've saved each other etc. My gut says that he is not that low but he is not happy either and has low self-esteem, I think most of it is normal teenage angst and it's almost the done thing to say you are wildly depressed but how do I know if he won't talk to us?