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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Help -13yo DS smoking weed I think

33 replies

Boysandme · 28/08/2014 16:26

I have just found texts on my 13yo DS's phone which talk about being stoned. He is going into yr 9 now and has a mixture of friends some from his year but many two years older as he is very good friends with our next door neighbour who is going into yr 11 ( they have pretty much grown up like brothers).

I am absolutely gutted and have no idea what to do. I also found texts (by him) about him being a piece of shit compared to friends and that he's grateful to have them. He clearly has very low self esteem but doesn't really talk to us. He keeps very much to himself.

He is going away this weekend with DH and a group of scouts including young leaders in their mid 20s that he looks up to so may be a chance for someone to have chat but what and who?

I don't know where to start really. My gut says ground him forever but that is extreme. My aim is to stop him rather than punish him. We have family members who work in mental health dealing with the consequences of cannabis use so well aware of the downsides.

Any ideas? (He is currently unaware that I have seen the texts)

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Boysandme · 29/08/2014 19:31

Thanks Claybury - the problem is I don't think he does see us as people he can confide in and I don't know how to change that. We are often saying how it's tough to be a teenager and we're always there for him / on his side but I don't know how to get through to him so that he actually believes it.

I had a great childhood but hated my parents from about 15 to when I left for university. I just don't want a repeat of that.

From his messages to his current best friend (not involved in this all) he is clearly unhappy, and she is too, and they both talk about not being here if it wasn't for each other, they've saved each other etc. My gut says that he is not that low but he is not happy either and has low self-esteem, I think most of it is normal teenage angst and it's almost the done thing to say you are wildly depressed but how do I know if he won't talk to us?

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Claybury · 29/08/2014 08:59

OP- that sounds satisfactory. I think you did the right thing in not punishing him as such - much better to maintain a good relationship and have a more adult conversation. If I were you I would keep bringing it up over time, pointing out stories in the news, talking about friends who might smoke, and the downsides etc. Don't assume this is a one off thing that will just go away. He will be encountering weed a lot over the next few years, there's no use in treating it is a taboo subject, IYSWIM. It would be better if he feels he can talk to you about it.

CiderwithBuda · 29/08/2014 00:03

They definitely are not easier. Baby stage was easier. Much easier!

Boysandme · 28/08/2014 23:40

Thanks Cider, I really hope it's a wake up call and am praying I'm not back here posting again in a while.

Who said kids get easier as they get older??

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CiderwithBuda · 28/08/2014 23:13

Sounds like you handled it very well. Better than I would!

Good luck. Hope this is a wake up call for hm.

Boysandme · 28/08/2014 23:02

Thank you all so much for your messages.

We have spoken to DS and told him that I had looked at his phone and seen a couple of things that worried me. Firstly the fact that he thinks so little of himself and then he clearly knew what the other was.

It turns out he has tried it 3 times over the last two weeks with the next door neighbour in a local park. Another friend also tried it once.

We approached it in the vein that we weren't going to punish this time but that we wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. We explained about the mental health effects, he said he didn't think it was even harmful as they use it as medicine in the states. We explained the rare circumstances of that and the cnsequences on the growing brain. I said I'd get him some information when he gets back from camp and wanted him to read it so that he understood. He agreed.

He seemed full of remorse and was genuinely ashamed of himself which is hard as he has such low self esteem. We said that we'd expected it to happen at some time but not for a few years he was bowing to peer pressure and not to blame himself. We approached it in that he had made a mistake, we'll draw a line under it and no consequences this time but if he ever does it again there will be strong consequences. We agreed not to tell the parents of the other two boys but we will do if it happens again and we know the NDNs well, the dad would go mad and he can be scary and DH has the other boy's mum's mobile no so he knows they are not idle threats.

We said his friends can come here any time, and actually we redecorated the playroom to be more of a teen room just at the weekend for that purpose. We also said that he is not allowed in the relevant park where they had been going and doing it.

All in all, the conversation went well. He is very remorseful and grateful for us not going mad and understands the consequences if it happens again.

We also talked about his low self esteem, did our best to reassure him that others aren't better than him and said we're always here for him. We also asked if he could think of someone else he could talk to as we understand parents aren't always a teen's first choice of confidante. We asked him to give it some thought.

All in all, I think it went well, we didn't alienate him and will keep a very close eye on him now.

Thank you all very much for your input.

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Sootball · 28/08/2014 22:33

As for heavy. Well it's hard to remember. Except that I was never not stoned, sure I smoked more at a weekend than during the week but skinning up was just one of those things. I did smoke tobacco as well though ans found the nicotine addiction the worst to beat.

I never ever did any hard drugs though. No pills. Just pot.

Sootball · 28/08/2014 22:30

I started smoking at 15, drinking a little at 16 and smoking weed at 16. I discovered I didn't like alcohol but enjoyed pot. My use crept up and up through college but tailed off after university. I'm now teetotal.

ajandjjmum · 28/08/2014 20:55

Is there any way that your relatives who work in mental health could talk to him or even take him to a rehabilitation centre, so that he can see how bad it can get.

Claybury · 28/08/2014 20:34

I have gone nuts. It didn't help at all ....

Fairywhitebear · 28/08/2014 20:24

I'm dreading my babies becoming teenagers.

I'd go nuts personally. Not acceptable at all. Especially not at 13.

Claybury · 28/08/2014 20:20

Another - as it's been an issue for us for a couple of years , yes I have called Frank, and Drugfam , he's been to the school drug counsellor, he's seen a psychiatrist to check there we no underlying issues ( there aren't ) - but you can't actually stop someone smoking if they choose to do it can you ?
He aspires to do well at school and after that , so all I can do is hope he grows out of it.
He's tried other stuff too btw, at raves and festivals. He's grown up in London where it is everywhere and normalised. ( to him)
He tried to grow some in his room. Didn't get v far though !

Anotherchapter · 28/08/2014 20:00

clay his 'mates' must be growing a lot to get a decent crop to support his usage. I wouldn't believe him on that.

Have you considered calling FRANK?

Claybury · 28/08/2014 19:43

Sootball- as the parent of a teenager who smokes weed ( which I abhor ) I find your numbers alarming. What do you call 'heavy ' and what age did you all start?
I have never smoked and my words fall on deaf ears to a 16 year old who thinks I have no idea what I am talking about.
He smokes socially , he cut down greatly for his GCSE 's ( which he took v seriously and did v well in ) - he won't drink which is great , but I hate the smoking.
I think it's mostly homegrown by mates, hence cheap and ( hopefully ) not too strong. He started when he was about 14

Sootball · 28/08/2014 19:34

I belly laughed so hard when I read that scouts don't do weed our local weed supplier was in the scouts ans business from that group was pretty good!

And in fact I'm not sure I ever did a scout camp sober (drink and drugs), and that was 20 years ago so keep the lines of communication open and don't think one group is beyond dabbling.

In our group of six heavy smokers at 20 two went on to leave university with no degree or job and have never settled, I am doing a postgraduate degree but have struggled with MH issues ans the other three have various MH issues including paranoia ans memory issues. We thought dope was a laugh, safe and left us chilled out but I will try very hard to ensure my dc stay away from it as it's side effects are long term in my opinion.

Anotherchapter · 28/08/2014 19:26

Yes to lady

Anotherchapter · 28/08/2014 19:26

Much better off smoking weed than getting drunk tbh. Not that either is ideal

Why does that line get trotted out every time some one mentions weed? They are both as bad as each other for a child.

CiderwithBuda · 28/08/2014 19:21

I'd be grounding and coming down bloody hard. Rightly or wrongly!

Ladycurd · 28/08/2014 19:20

As my brother is schizophrenic due to cannabis use I say nip this in the bud now. Sort the MH issues as much as you can, try to support and explain why you find this so concerning. Keep channels of communication open, but cannabis is serious shit for a developing brain, so no I disagree smoking weed is less harmful than alcohol (though neither ideal)

AgaPanthers · 28/08/2014 19:11

Much better off smoking weed than getting drunk tbh. Not that either is ideal

TeaAndALemonTart · 28/08/2014 19:05

Some teenagers around here call being drunk stoned - no idea why because it always meant drugs in my day.

They also say wasted. Not much advice but think the medical stuff sounds like a good idea if he does mean weed.

Anotherchapter · 28/08/2014 19:02

Actually I'd be gong mad at this and I did when it as my dd1.

I would absolutely ground him but I would choose that time to talk with him extensively about what's going on in his head. Why he feels so shit, why he needs to smoke this, is he doing it to make him self feel better,is it because his older friends are doing it.

My cousin has just give up weed after being on it for 30 years. His teeth are a mess, he has never held a job down and he really struggled but he did it. He said he feels like he has just woken up.

You might get people come on and say, "oh most teenagers try it, it never did me any harm" but for those people it catches on to it can cause a lot of damage.

I wouldn't let him hang around with the other lads and I'd invest his time in something else that can build self esteem and focus on good health. Yes he is a teenager but he is still classed as a child and needs your guidance and help right now.

R4roger · 28/08/2014 19:02

a good mantra that I have read many times on here is, keep the communication lines open

it is more preferable that they tell you stuff isnt it, so good luck with that conversation.

R4roger · 28/08/2014 19:00

i guess they are just trying things out op. experimenting. I let my dd have occasional alcohol but am not particularly happy bout it, though I had cider at 14, so double standards there.
and the weed, I am sure you are doing the right thing - 13 seems so young to me as well

Boysandme · 28/08/2014 18:54

Cross posted R4roger.

DS goes to the nicer of the two secondaries in the town and one in his class even brought vodka to sports day in yr8 last year. The teenage world is quite different to my sheltered upbringing .

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