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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Why can't they just live and let live

22 replies

17leftfeet · 30/07/2014 10:02

Dd (13) is very much her own person

She is a pop punk/ steam punk fan, wears odd slogan tshirts that she buys on line -generally cartoon dinosaurs or turtles, dyes her hair dark cherry and wears lots of eyeliner and spends a lot of time teaching herself to play guitar and base -she is hurting no one

Since the holidays began she has been getting a barrage of texts and various Internet messages from people accusing her of being gay she might be, she might not, I don't care and more to the point she doesn't telling her she's weird, perverted, depressing, a downer-which is apparently someone who makes everyone else depressed etc etc

These kids are the 'populars' as I think they would have been described on meangirls

They all went to her primary and have stayed friends in high school where as dd has moved on and has a whole new set of friends

They walk past our house on the way to the park but always find some reason to stop outside

If it was term time I would be straight onto the school

Why can't they just live in their little bubble and let dd live in hers?

OP posts:

lucydaniels4658 · 30/07/2014 10:51

erghhhhhhh teenage girls are a minefield! My DD is same age and there is some constant aggro ! Friends go cold on her for weeks,so and so slagged her off,she gets blamed for something , someones commented nasty things on her pictures ,shes been left out....... the list is endless she always gets negative comments about her hair ,face ,clothes!It is so depressing isnt it?! You have my sympathy . If they follow the crowd then your a bum lick if you stand away from the crowd your a freak!Such an awful age for drama and bitchy issues im hoping its a short phase!

Original poster

17leftfeet · 30/07/2014 12:13

Seems to be so much worse than when I was a teen -at least home was a sanctuary

OP posts:

Cocodale · 30/07/2014 12:19

My middle dd has just finished year 9, it's a miserable age they can be very nasty.

She's obviously confident and happy with herself which seems to upset some girls who feel conformity is the only option.

Praise her for that and encourage like minded friendships, having got a 19 yr old dd as well I know they grow out of it and eventually appreciate the differences in each other.

Well done for raising an independent young lady x

myotherusernameisbetter · 30/07/2014 12:20

Little witches!! That's cyber bullying, I'd either be contacting the parents of the girls involved or the community police tbh.

It's stuff like that that can lead to self esteem issues and things I'd rather not think about.

Hope your daughter is okay. According to a friends daughter, it all seems to calm down a bit with girls at age 15/16 but that's a bit of a while to wait :(

Original poster

17leftfeet · 30/07/2014 13:26

She's quite good at brushing it off outwardly but you never actually know what's in their minds do you?

OP posts:

myotherusernameisbetter · 30/07/2014 13:43

Well, put yourself in the same position, imagine that colleagues from work kept sending you emails being abusive and saying nasty things about you and then starting hanging about outside your house. How would you feel and what would you do about it?

It shouldn't be any different for a child imo.

My son was bullied at primary, so probably not the most rational person about, but i would be tempted to call them up on their behaviour. If you don't want to get in bother yourself, you either need no witnesses to the conversation or lots of witnesses. In th latter case, just say to them that you have seen the messsages and it isn't acceptable, it constitutes cyber bullying and that if it continues you'll be taking it up with their parents/the school and the community police.

In private, you can say what you like :o but essentially the message should be the same. You could also send an answer to the texts which says the same, don't get into a slanging match with them but just state that fact that it is bullying and harrasment.

The fact that they are calling her gay etc makes it a hate crime too.

myotherusernameisbetter · 30/07/2014 13:47

I'd also find a reason to be outside everytime they stop outside the house - bins out, washing car, cleaning doorstep - whatever, just so it stops them feeling comfortable to be hanging about there.

There is no crime really in standing outside your house but it is intimidating to your daughter and it should be discouraged.

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 30/07/2014 13:51

Your poor DD. Mine is 14. It can be a nightmare.

I used to have her access to Ask.fm and that could get horrendous.

Just glad she has her horse and spends lots of time with him.

I would speak to school when they return, in the meantime encourage her independence.

Happy36 · 30/07/2014 13:57

How horrible. It is cyberbullying so you could call the police. Just because it's the holiday doesn"t mean you can't contact the school either - ring and ask for advice or if you don't get through e-mail the head.

Keep a record of all the nasty messages including the times they are sent. Make sure your daughter doesn't retaliate.

How does she feel about all of this? Does she have friends?

Maryz · 30/07/2014 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

17leftfeet · 30/07/2014 14:02

She has friends but most of them are away at the moment but she had plans to meet up with them next week

It's amazing how much rubbish is being generated at my house at the moment

I've had a word with one of the parents but I don't know the others

I've got full access to her online accounts so I do see and screen shot the messages

OP posts:

seb1 · 30/07/2014 14:03

As the mother of 2 DDs, it is hard work and heartbreaking at times, what I find hard is it sometimes takes you back to your own youth (though at least we didn't have social media) and I think that can intensify the hurt you feel for your own DD, not really much help but you are not alone.

stinkingbishop · 30/07/2014 14:04

God you're being admirably restrained! I'd have to rein myself in from going outside and happyslapping the little cows and then plastering THAT all over the interconnect.

Your DD sounds cool, but may well not admit things to Mum as she doesn't want you to worry...is there a friend/relative who you could brief to take her out shopping or something and see if they can get out of her how she's really feeling?

seb1 · 30/07/2014 14:08

My worry is always I think DD is coping but underneath (still water run deep etc) maybe they aren't and it suddenly goes pear shaped. The joys of parenting, there is always another set of worries isn't there [sad}

Migsy1 · 30/07/2014 14:10

*Screenshot, printout and block.

And if you get some particularly awful ones screenshot them and take them to the police station.

Whatever she does, she mustn't respond, either online or in person. Best to just pretend she can't see it.*

Totally agree with Maryz. Whatever she does, she must not get drawn into it. Also, if messages aren't bad enough for the Police, email them to the girls' school although as this is happening out of school and by girls from a different school, nothing might be resolved in this way but it is worth a try.

lucydaniels4658 · 30/07/2014 14:44

It is such a hard time as sad as this sounds i get anxious over it so who knows how they feel ! My DD gets angry with me instead! My DD has been turned on by literally all her friends as they are believing an ex friends lies and not even heard my DD out !I hate that gang culture more than anything and theyve sided as other girl is more popular/intimidating so its never an issue with one girl. The warped part of me cant wait to see this girl get knocked off her throne!

smileyforest · 30/07/2014 16:10

omg....I have problems with my 2 boys 16y and 18y..and have a daughter aged 29 expecting first baby...had some 'bitchiness'when she was 13y but nothing ever like this...makes me glad that I have just boys now...why can't it be accepted that we are all individuals....and have different tastes.....so sad!!!!

stinkingbishop · 30/07/2014 16:24

And read Caitlin Moran. She got this in buckets. And she's had the last laugh (literally!)

Leeds2 · 30/07/2014 16:58

How did the parent you spoke to react, OP?

Original poster

17leftfeet · 30/07/2014 20:10

So so

He's not one of the instigators just one of the group

OP posts:

TeenAndTween · 30/07/2014 21:19

block?

Heyho111 · 31/07/2014 02:03

They are envious of her individualism and independence. Bullies are usually insecure. They might look confident but they are actually conforming to the norm and your daughter isn't. They are also probably intregued by her but can't admit this to themselves or each other. So downing her allows them to talk about her.

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