under arm shaving for being bridesmaid

[Jojaney]

My 14 year old daughter is being a bridesmaid this summer. She has mousy brown hair under her armpits. I suggested she shaves them this summer but she dismissed my idea and seemed quite offendec by my suggestion.

Should I let this go- is arm pit hair a personal preferance? I am concerned she will look ridiculous.

[OnlyLovers]

round, IMO the people who commented ought to have been shamed and made to apologise to you publicly. I think their responses say much more about them than anything else. I find it so sad to think of a 12-year-old 'happily bopping around' (emphasis on 'happily') and having the wind taken out of their sails by rude comments that hurt enough for the video and the memory to stop being a happy one and become mortifying.

Your mother should have kicked their arses, IMO, not 'steered you away' from anything.

'body hair ... is not accepted as such in society'. It just isn't as black and white as that. I've been out in public with hairy armpits/legs and no one has thrown stones or accused me of being a witch, or displayed any other kind of behaviour that would suggest that it is straightforwardly 'not accepted'.

[roundandround51]

longtimelurking

Body hair may be natural but it is not accepted as such in society. You can go against that and dare to bare but you would want to be confident in your choice.

Personally I don't like body hair - but then again I am lasered all over - apart from my bikini line, its back to the 70's in that area !

[roundandround51]

There is a video of a family wedding that exists where I am, at 12 years of age, happily bopping around with my hairy armpits in the air. I remember I got one or two comments and I remember for years after I was mortified when anyone brought the video out. My mother should have either steered me away from sleeveless or encouraged me to shave,

OP if your DD is taking a Caitlin Moran esque principled approach, fair enough and bully for her. However, if she is just clueless then I would have a word.

I cant really see how underarm hair could ruin a photo, unless its so long that it peers out like a rabbits tail

[OnlyLovers]

decorative, which entails, by definition, a high level of personal grooming including removal of underarm hair

I'd love to see where this is enshrined in law/carved in stone.

Also, I've never got married but I think what I'd want first and foremost from any bridesmaids would be their company and to share a lovely day. I'd choose my closest friends and them looking 'decorative' to this degree just wouldn't be as important as them being at my side and having a wonderful time with me and my partner.

If you want decorative, perhaps it's possible to hire professional bridesmaids who will wear/groom/pose/behave themselves precisely as the bride wishes.

[Bonsoir]

I agree with others - being a bridesmaid is a decorative role. If your DD doesn't want to look decorative, which entails, by definition, a high level of personal grooming including removal of underarm hair, she must decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid.

It is not about her and she is therefore not free to choose!

[OnlyLovers]

The comparison of shaved or hairy armpits to 'jeans and wellies' just isn't a meaningful one, IMO. A more meaningful one might be flats or heels for women: there is still (IMO) an expectation for women to wear heels at 'dressy' events, and/or a belief that heels are 'smarter' or just look nicer; but flats are not unacceptable or taboo and don't, really do they, distract attention from the bride?

As a bit of an aside, I find it deeply distasteful and, if I can come over all Nancy Mitford for a minute, vulgar, this notion that the bride is and must be the CENTRE of EVERYONE'S attention the WHOLE of her wedding day. I mean, no one is allowed to behave like this in any other circumstances past the age of about two. And what about the groom?

Honestly, if I were getting married and even noticed that my bridesmaid had hairy armpits I'd just think I wasn't having enough fun. Don't brides have nicer things to think about on their wedding day?

[mathanxiety]

I am of the opinion that it's her choice to shave or not to shave 99.9% of the time.

The remaining time would be the wedding.
You surrender your right to wear what you please (turn up in jeans and wellies, etc) when you sign on to being a bridesmaid, and that frequently involves not looking one bit natural, (or even attractive when you look at the photos five years later).

When you accept the honour of being a bridesmaid you accept the need to turn up looking like a bridesmaid. You wear whatever dress and shoes the bride expects you to wear and you line up in the photos and smile. It's not just asking someone to do something randomly for someone else's benefit. The OP is asking the DD to observe the conventions related to appearance of women at a wedding.

Going with hairy pits would be an unconventional choice of appearance. Unconventional appearance (or remarkable behaviour) at a wedding takes attention from the bride. So when at a wedding, suck it up, and you can have hairy pits again in a week.

[blanklook]

IF she decides to go bare for the day, please could I suggest she has a trial run a few weeks beforehand? My first attempt at shaving resulted in razor burn that lasted for days. My first attempt using removal cream also resulted in a very red and itchy rash. In both cases I was in pain and in tears.

The Bridesmaid needs to be comfortable on the day, whatever her choice, I hope she has a lovely time.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I found the people who feel a wedding is a staged event all about getting photos of people dressed how you tell them even more staggering!

[LongTimeLurking]

Wow I am struggling to take in the number of women here that would force their DDs to shave their armpits for someone else's benefit.

Body hair is natural and why should anyone remove it if they don't want to? Dropping heavy hints, suggesting they will be teased or not accepted is just disgusting. I think it is abusive to force or otherwise coerce someone to do this against their will.

Would anybody insist a man must shave is beard? Or shave his hairy back before going to the beach? Of course not!

The only thing I disagree with is that in my experience the hair does act as a damp sticky mop in the summer. For me it feels nicer and cleaner to have trimmed pits in extremely hot and humid weather.... but this is personal preference and not an excuse to shame others into doing the same.

[CaptChaos]

I have amazing armpit hair. It is a wonder to behold.

It also doesn't smell.

I wash, use body powder, and wear clean clothes.

I wonder what all these people who say that this young woman shouldn't keep her armpit hair, because she'll smell, think of their DH/Ps and DSs?

[HenriettaTurkey]

Happy to help!!!

[AnnieLobeseder]

How can anyone possibly put forward the argument that women must remove hair from their armpits or risk being unhygienic and smelly when men have armpit hair and most of them don't smell!! And, what is more, men have much hairier armpits than women.

Do you think women are somehow inherently smellier than men and the only way we can combat this is to shave?

[Hakluyt]

Good. As I said, there is now no reason apart from aesthetics to remove body hair. I am delighted about that.

[HenriettaTurkey]

So use a 'male' antiperspirant. DH & I share. Works for us.

[Hakluyt]

Good. Then that is the only possible argument for shaving armpits apart from the aesthetic one gone. Yippee!!!!!

Although masculine anti perspirants do tend to be more powerful than women's ones. I wonder if that's because they are designed to work despite the hair. Never though of that before..........

[ReallyFuckingFedUp]

However, it is very difficult to apply anti perspirant effectively to very hairy armpits.


My dh can do it, so I bet a 14 year old girl can too

[Hakluyt]

"Hygiene and cleanliness are cited as reasons for both the removal of a) female underarm hair and b) the foreskin."

But everyone- well, everyone with a properly functioning brain anyway- knows that hygiene and cleanliness is not a reason for removing the foreskin. However, it is very difficult to apply anti perspirant effectively to very hairy armpits. So while a hairy armpit is likely to be clean and hygienic if washed regularly, it is also likely to be smelly. Which is socially unacceptable in our culture.


It's a very odd comparison, anyway.

[TooTypical]

I think I can.

Hygiene and cleanliness are cited as reasons for both the removal of a) female underarm hair and b) the foreskin.

There's a huge concern in both cases about not looking 'different'

Yes, a foreskin doesn't grow back. But arguably a single operation is less damaging, than a repeated regime of depilation which is supposed to be undertaken every week or two. Redness, itching, razor burns, cuts are all mini-mutilations.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Hmmm, I see where you're coming from, but the two situations are not really comparable, TooTypical. Foreskins don't grow back.

But seriously, you can't compare shaving the hair of a teenager with forced permanent mutilation surgery on an infant.

[TooTypical]

I wonder how many of the posters here would say that circumcision - the removal of the foreskin for reasons of social/cultural/religious convention - was barbaric? While being happy to say that the removal of underarm hair is a social convention that should be observed.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Why exactly are weddings not a time for trend bucking? Every wedding is completely unique and each couple will have different expectations for their day. Some wedding have a space theme or a cowboy theme. Some require guests to dress up as medieval villagers. In that case, women with body hair should be expected! The assumption seems to be being made here that this particular couple have a great phobia about body hair (but only on women), while no-one seems to have bothered finding out if this is actually the case.

The thing is, weddings are about the family and friends of a couple coming together to witness and celebrate the joining of the couple. Not for family and friends to serve as decorative props as a backdrop to the happy event. Each guest remains a human being whose feelings, beliefs and bodily autonomy do not become any less important on attending a wedding.

Yes, there are certain grooming expectations, as in have a bath and put on your best frock/suit. But that's all anyone could ever reasonably ask.

How much hair would the armpit of a 14yo have anyway? Very little I'd bet, to the point that I doubt a single person would notice.

So I'll ask again. Would all of you who are so convinced that the desires of the bride/groom trump the bodily autonomy of this child expect a groomsman who had always had a beard to happily agree to shave it off for the wedding?

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

So if the groom wanted beards shaven off, as beards aren't on trend, would you agree that was fine?