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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

aibu to refuse to pay £3000 for my 16 year old daughter to go on a summer holiday?

81 replies

caroleharolde · 26/12/2013 15:20

An association with my daughters school takes the 16 year olds there on a month long trip around America for the summer. No bursaries are offered and most kids go on this tour and most have wealthy parents. If you could afford it would you allow your child on this? It would be a struggle for us to afford to pay and I don't want her to think that this.is what normal people can afford to do as many of her friends are multi,millionaires
summer

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 27/12/2013 09:32

Bloody hell - if someone said to me "would you like to go on a 3 week trip to the States all paid for, during work time, but it would mean 3 weeks away from your family" I'd bite their hand off!

I joke of course not

mummy1973 · 27/12/2013 09:37

You sound great and I think it is good to consider whether it is worth it. If she really, really wants to go (she'd need to demonstrate why she should have the money rather than it being spent on other family experiences) then I would show her the value of money by getting her to raise a certain amount herself. She may not be that bothered?

NearTheWindmill · 27/12/2013 09:41

I wouldn't have too much of a problem with that. DS has been on several sports tours costing nearly that much and for much shorter periods of time.

lljkk · 27/12/2013 09:41

SirCh: Same Shit, different country & somebody else's children.

14yo DS punched an old mate and gushed floods of tears on last 2 day trip he went on. Don't think his teacher really enjoyed sorting that one out. And that's without kids who try to sneak off to have sex with each other or get drunk.

littleredsquirrel · 27/12/2013 09:43

Lottiedoubtie no I didn't mean that the teachers should pay to go on the trips. I meant that the teachers who arrange the trips don't have to pay to go on them and at the DSs school all consideration for cost and affordability go out of the window as they arrange the most expensive trips imaginable £9k five day ski trip anyone?

milk · 27/12/2013 09:46

No way!!!

milk · 27/12/2013 09:46

Sorry, YANBU!

SirChenjin · 27/12/2013 09:49

lljkk - I've got friends who are high school teachers. Some love school trips, others would rather cut their own arm off. Each to their own Smile

ashamedoverthinker · 27/12/2013 09:51

I really value being able to travel and experience different things.

If you can afford it I would send her. If you are teaching her the values of work, effort and reward then she wont develop a a strong sense of entitlement.

You cold really get on board and chat about where she would be going/doing/seeing. Get her to keep a travel diary. That is a long time to be away from home and she will gain a perspective about herself, family that is hard to achieve in everyday settings/routines. She'll have the opportunity to develop a greater sense of independence purely because you are not on hand.

If you do decide to send her I would put it to her easy terms she will understand that that sort of money would pay the heating or food bill for 'X' amount of months so she can appreciate ow much it costs in relation to wider living costs - things they dont think about. But I would give the trip your blessing (if you go ahead). There is nothing worse than being told you can have something but having it rammed down your throat about how difficult it is and you really lucky (my own mother used to do this about xmas presents to the point of spoiling it through the guilt she induced seperate story)

nicename · 27/12/2013 09:52

My old bosses children went of 'life changing' trips organised by their church. The kids went to amazing far flung places, building wells, digging fields, teaching english. They raised money to go and only had to pay a very small amount/raise funds themselves via sponsored bakes, walks, babysitting etc.

I'd rather kids did that than have their hands out for a rather nice jolly.

SirChenjin · 27/12/2013 09:53

Totally agree nicename.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 27/12/2013 09:53

Lol

DH is Mfl teacher and loathes school trips.

hordes of teens trying to get drunk/drugged /sex whatever is not a fun. "Experience " for a teacher.

There is always a few trips to the hospital, one psychologically unbalanced child, one very drunk child, bad behaviour in the hotel/hostel, sorting paperwork in foreign hospitals, etc etc (one girl self harms, there is a boy who brings dope)

It is HARD work. Not a jolly.

DowntonTrout · 27/12/2013 09:54

I'm not sure a month in the US is particularly cultural or as valuable as trips to other places IYSWIM.

My brother runs a US company that organises these trips for US kids. They all come to Europe and do London, Paris, Venice, Rome, Madrid etc. they experience different languages, cultures, history, architecture etc.(and yes, it's only ever rich kids.)

If it's going to be a one off trip, I'd be more tempted to wait and see what will be on offer at 6th form or put the money towards more of an experience "gap" type thing.

SirChenjin · 27/12/2013 09:56

hordes of teens trying to get drunk/drugged /sex whatever is not a fun. "Experience " for a teacher

Bloody hell - why on earth aren't they sent home? Our high school makes the parents and the pupils sign a behaviour clause before any trip, and it's made very clear that they will be sent home at the parent's expense if they try any of that (and they are).

Hulababy · 27/12/2013 09:59

If I could afford it and DD wanted to go = theyn yes, I would let her.

If it was a struggle or would mean us not being able to go away on a family holiday as a result, or if DD wasn't bothered - then she would miss it.

I have no issue with these kind of trips. But I would only go ahead if it was right for our family and istuation at the time.

Chewbecca · 27/12/2013 09:59

if I could afford it and if she wanted to go, then yes of course.

UsedToBeNDP · 27/12/2013 10:01

In your OP, you ask "if you could afford it", so yes, I would send her if she wanted to go.

My DD also attends independent school and so I'm familiar with eye watering trip costs and I must say, £3k for a month doesn't strike me as that bad tbh. The rugby tour at DD's school last year cost £6.5k per head, parent/s were expected to travel too and it was only for 2.5-3wks, so your 3k looks bargainous!!!

LIZS · 27/12/2013 10:10

If she wants to go - and not all do - could she fundraise / get a Saturday job and you contribute what you would normally spend on a family

Lottiedoubtie · 27/12/2013 10:11

Bloody hell - if someone said to me "would you like to go on a 3 week trip to the States all paid for, during work time, but it would mean 3 weeks away from your family"

That's the point though these trips generally aren't in work time. They are usually in the holidays, or if not certainly involve evenings and weekends.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy school trips as a valuable part of my work. It would however be overstating it an awful lot to suggest that I go for fun or organise them for a bit of free travel for myself!

Bloody hell - why on earth aren't they sent home? Our high school makes the parents and the pupils sign a behaviour clause before any trip, and it's made very clear that they will be sent home at the parent's expense if they try any of that (and they are).

With respect this is a classic case of parent believing the party line. I'm sure that there have been a couple of extreme cases where children are sent home . (This in itself generates hours of work for the staff involved). This has sent the message that 'children must behave or else' to parents.

Which has probably improved behaviour on trips.

It certainly will not have eradicated the every day 'small' stuff the staff will be doing. And I bet you and I have a different tolerance for what would be counted as 'small stuff' on a school trip.

In short, obviously your teens tell you they were well behaved. Of course that's echoed in the school newsletter/ magazine.

The staff room walls would tell you a different story.

Lottiedoubtie · 27/12/2013 10:12

But OP, in answer to your question. Yes, if I could afford to send her I would.

It won't be 'once in a lifetime'- very little is.

But it will be a blast and will probably have a positive impact on her. So yes if you can afford it

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 27/12/2013 10:12

Ok, I exaggerated.

But stuff happens every trip. Hospital at least once every trip (hypochondria, sudden fainting and feeling weird. You have to take it seriously obv! )

MrsAMerrick · 27/12/2013 10:49

My dc's bog standard comprehensive also run very expensive trips ( Mongolia for £4k anyone?), including a trip to Peru in Year 10 which costs a fortune. What is amazing is that loads of parents seem able to afford this.
I don't necessarily think that a trip to the USA is that educational, depends what they are going to be doing. If you would struggle to afford it then don't do it. My children have done some of the cheaper school trips, have never done the very expensive ones, and don't seem to have suffered.
Whatever you do, please don't do what a group of mums did a couple of years ago when their dcs were going on the annual yr 11 trip to South Africa. They organised a sponsored event and put a lot of pressure on other parents to sponsor their dc to go on holiday!!! Made them somewhat unpopular....

nicename · 27/12/2013 10:54

It cerainly puts my secondary school trip "experience" of tramping around WW1 battlefields into the shade! That was actually a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it.

When did school trips become so extravagant? What next, a trip into space?

SantasPelvicFloor · 27/12/2013 10:57

My DD went to Mongolia in year 12. A fabulous trip for her and almost totally self funded. She worked waitressing, cleaning cars and putting on other events for 18months prior to the event. Christmas and birthday money went towards it. The funding of it was as life changing as the actual trip. She would tell you herself how proud it made her feel to have funded it, almost to a point of rejecting help from me.

SillyMillyOnAHilly · 27/12/2013 11:04

It sounds like it might be a great trip. I think you just need to decide whether you can afford it and whether you want yo afford it. There will be plenty of kids not going so I wouldn't worry too much about peer pressure.

If you have other kids you need to work out what you will do with them - if they don't go on a holiday will you give them the cash ?