Has anyone else reported their 15 year old for domestic violence?

[mulranno]

Do you approach police, social services, CAMHS, GP, school? - what were the consequences? If I approach on agency are they bound to report it to the police? I need to be clear what can of worms I am opening for us all. Or has anyone successfully managed this in another way?

[flow4]

It's bound to be painful, mulranno; you have years of marriage to disentangle. If you find you still want him gone despite the challenges, then that's probably a pretty clear sign that this is the right decision.

Funny... A drain was the last straw in my relationship, too. My ex had a habit of peeing in the drain outside the kitchen door, because he couldn't be bothered climbing the stairs to the loo. I'd stand at the kitchen sink doing the washing up night after night, catching whiffs of urine. I asked him over and over again to clean it, tip some bleach down it, etc... He just ignored me, until eventually he started to get angry with me for 'nagging', and I thought "Sod this, not only does he expect me to tolerate disgusting habits, but also he wants to turn me into the Bad Guy"... :(

[mineofuselessinformation]

If you can afford it, book a hotel and do some things you will enjoy. You deserve a bit of 'you' time, even if that's just laying on a bed reading all weekend.
Ditto getting someone in to sort out the jobs - don't leave it. My xh buggered off and left me with loads of jobs to do on and around then house - not something I'd recommend.

[mulranno]

Thanks flow --It has taken me a long time to understand this.

My father died when I was very young so for me 2 parents was a precious gift that I wanted my children to have - as I have felt defective, flawed, etc by my own loss of a parent in early childhood. But this is not the same situation - their Dad is in their life everyday.

I don't want to continue to be the exhausted, angry, seething resentful person that I am when he is around - passive aggressively dismantling my life - as that is what my children see and experience of me although it is not directed at them.

Even this morning - I spotted something that sent me into orbit. We have had a blocked over flowing drain by the back door for weeks he never notices or takes any action for household maintainence - so at the weekend I asked him to sort it. This is the man in the doggest of dog houses in dogelonia - today I noticed that he had just lifted the chicken wire cover with all the crap blocking it and left it on the ground by the back door - job done...I know that this is another irrational example of me "looking for straws" - but it is another of the millions of examples of ineptitude that I live with day an night. ds2 said to me last week why do you always mumble "fucking useless" when talking about Dad....

Feeling a bit wobbly today about the weekend arrangements for tomorrow. Plan is that the kids stay here - h out of the house m-f and me f-s.

He has been at his mothers and hating it -- but been in and out of here - taking youngest to school, ds2 to physio, sorting revision notes for ds1 etc. So they have all seen him briefly everyday - was hanging around way too long last night and getting involved in my routines - so I asked him to leave. Stupidly I agreed that he could stay this evening as I have my company xmas do, needed a babysitter and will be back late.

But this is making me feel suffocated and uneasy as that means he will be here right through to Sunday. I am going to tell him he cant stay.

Also the looming reality of sofa surfing over the weekend is making me anxious. I work long hours 5 days a week - and at the weekend - just want down time an to be at home - to tidy up, do my washing, chill out etc.

I don't want to be a house guest. Maybe I should just invest a cheap travelodge for this weekend for the sake of my mental health.

[flow4]

I'm glad things seem better, mulranno. :)
An anecdote... When my DS1 was small, I knew I needed to separate from his father, who was an abusive alcoholic. But I really, really wanted to create a 'happy family', and didn't want to acknowledge that I didn't have one... And I felt so, so guilty...

In the end, the person who said the most useful thing was my ex's sister, who as well as being the person my ex was closest to, was an experienced health visitor. She said to me that her brother would never make me happy, and that in her experience, a child needed a happy mother to be happy her/himself.

It has been 18 years since I separated from DS's dad, and it hasn't all been easy, of course. But IMO, my ex's sister was right: my kids are most happy and settled when I am happy. :)

[mulranno]

Unexpectedly my son has been really good with me the last couple of days - I expected him to run off with his Dad and hate me forever.

His Dad said that we couldn't get divorced because my son would hate me, leave with him and I would have then broken up the family - and I believed this to be a real and acceptable possibility - that's how bad things were.

But it has not been like that at all. I know that he hates noise, stress and mess and I promised him that my aim was to create a calm peaceful house by getting his Dad to leave so that I can run our family my way and the the right way.

And this is where we are only 3 days in....I spent Monday night with him looking at Uni courses on line and this afternoon with him at school discussing A level options. He doesn't hate me at all - in fact it has become obvious that he really respects me and he has shown this more in the last 3 days than in the last 3 years - so this an amazing and unexpected outcome.

I did read some where that a family is only as happy as its most unhappy child -- and I think that this is true as the family dynamic is pulled down to the lowest common denominator. I have been really shocked and devastated that I have raised this dysfunctional and unhappy family.

Family life is sooo important to me I am the oldest of seven, have 60 odd first cousins and work ethic, kindness, fun, teamwork and respect are how I was brought up and all I wanted was to replicate this with my own big brood. I didn t choose to have 4 kids because I hate parenting.

So it would brilliant to turn this all around before their childhood is over.

I really did think that my oldest would walk out and hate me forever - but I thought that was worth it if I could prevent blighting the younger 3's future.

[mineofuselessinformation]

^^ This post makes very good points. I expect some people will start to be much more supportive when they realise you really mean it about the split - you'll probably find they have opinions on your h you've never heard before too.
As for ds, have you pointed out that it is his behaviour that needs to change, not yours? Don't forget too, that if you put a sanction in place, you should expect h to enforce it when he is with ds. (You could always take the router with you at weekends just to be sure of course if that's what you decide!)

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

Perhaps your friends/ family are wary about all rallying round you, joining you in saying how terrible the behaviour of your son and husband is etc, in case you are all back together playing happy families in a few weeks and they can't take back what they've said about your family, if you see what I mean? Same reason I'm cautious about what I say to my friend whose husband is emotionally and financially abusive. Until she has actually started the divorce process I won't say much (except that I wouldn't put up with his behaviour) because part of her thinks she can still make it work, even though she's been trying to change things for over a decade. :( Sorry for going off on a tangent there but I can sort of see why your friends and family are being distant, even though IMO you need their support right now.

at your son's response - he won't do it again as long as you don't stress him out? What the hell? His behaviour is unacceptable even from someone who is stressed out! Sounds like he still doesn't appreciate how serious it is! You are doing well, keep going. The M-F plan with regards to your H sounds good for now, and will give you the space you need. Sending you best wishes and positive thoughts. I'm impressed at how you are dealing with all this.

[flow4]

Well, either your friends don't quite believe it's happening yet, perhaps because it has been going on for two years and you haven't drawn a line before; or it's time to find new friends...

[mulranno]

Can I just say an amazingly, massive, life changing thank-you to everyone who has listened advised and supported me over the past few days.

I could not have done this with RL advice. My friends and family although shocked with son and husband have stepped away from the shit storm (which I understand) when I came out to them last week and have either been negatively judgmental, non committal or even non contactable....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1916443-to-be-hurt-that-after-sharing-a-major-marriage-crisis-with-friends

[mulranno]

Cazzymaddy - I am so sorry to hear your story and I am glad that you are in a better place now.

[Cazzymaddy]

Like one of the posters above, the only thing that stopped me calling the police was that DD2 is only 11 and has a diagnosed mental health illness- even tho CAMHS suggested having a police report on her record would spur social services into acting to provide a crisis place for her - I'm still not sure which I am more cross about-the fact I still have bruises and bite marks on my arms (and not one person (professionals) gave a damn or the fact that it was suggested that a person with mental health problems be treated in such a shabby way. FTR she is now in a calm place with DH (which we provided, meaning that SS and CAMHS had to do basically the minimum at the time, tho support has since been offered by the appropriate people. If she had been 15, like the OP- I'm not sure what I would have done.

[mulranno]

Yes it was today. He was given some sort of record on the local database - suspect in a crime of common assault - which will not show on standard crb checks and is not on the national database. It was not too bad he didn't cry - he is more anxious about school being involved and facing that tomorrow. How ever I still don't think he gets it. He has said that he wont do it again as long as we don't stress him out....

[mineofuselessinformation]

Was it today that interviews were supposed to happen?
Hope you're doing ok OP.

[mulranno]

Flow - yes he is very stubborn - hence it taking 3 weeks of me demanding he leave. He keeps asking if he is coming back in 4 weeks - I said that we will cross that bridge when we reach it.

[flow4]

Well it's obvious why your son is struggling to learn how to control himself, isn't it? :(

I am glad your husband has agreed to move out. Presumably he will expect you to 'let him off', as he is inclined to let your son off. Have you thought through what you will do if he says "Oh, you didn't really mean it, did you?" or "Actually, I don't think it's a good idea..."

[mulranno]

I have finally got h to agree to move out M-F for the next 4 weeks - he can move back in on the weekends and I will stay at my sisters.

I achieved this by giving him an ultimatum that if he didn't move out by tomorrow evening I would leave with the younger children.

It has taken me 3 long weeks of digging in my heels to get to this point.

He finally put in a consequence for my son earlier this week - 15 days after the assault - telling him that he would not now be allowed out until he wrote me a letter of apology.

He has not done this yet and I know he has plans to go out this evening. I mentioned this to my husband - and his first response was "Well I wont be here to stop him as I am going out".....followed up with "Do you think we should let him off the letter writing and let him go out tonight as it will do him good to see his friends as he will be under so much stress with the police etc.".........................WTF!

[mineofuselessinformation]

OP, you h is shocked because you are finally taking action, not because he doesn't know what's going on. Put that to one side, it is for him to deal with - not you. You have asked him for help and he has not given it.
Ask yourself, how much more should you put up with?
Nothing, in my humble opinion. You have been pushed too far.
It's time to make a stand - not just for your sake, but for all of you.
Sending you strength.

[flow4]

Yes, I thought when I posted that it might be shocking to have it set down in black and white like that, mulranno. Sorry. I nearly didn't write it. But I know from my own experience of living with teenage aggression and violence for over a year that you lose a reliable sense of what is 'normal'. You just get so used to it that you forget how totally outrageous it is... And I found I needed to hear the shock of a couple of friends - people who were 'outside observers' so to speak, before I realised.

You are absolutely right to take action here. It is awful that your son has done this; it is appalling that your husband has let it happen. You are brave and strong and right to get help for yourself.

What I said to my son (when he complained "I can't believe you had your own son arrested!") might be useful for you too, even if it's just something you remind yourself, rather than something you actually say to him: "What you are doing is wrong, and you know it - it's illegal and dangerous and immoral. I can't stop you, and you can't stop yourself, so I realised I have to get the police to stop you. And I'll do that again and again until you learn to control yourself".

It's going to be a difficult few weeks for you mulranno, but it will be better in the end.

[Fifibluebell]

I have no experience in this but I truly believe you have done the right thing!! Hope you get it sorted!!

[mulranno]

There are two things going on around this assault for my husband.

One is how he didn't handle this one or the others so our conversations go round and round in circles h saying he is sorry will never happen again, he will change etc and me saying it is just something I cant forgive.

But I think that he is so focused on that I have asked him to move out and that is the big battle he is digging his heels in over. He says that I cant cope with the 4 kids etc - I need him etc. He wants me to give him until Xmas - I want him to leave for 4 weeks at least - so that I can heal and get some perspective. I don't think that he cares what happened to me, or even our son -- I think he just cares what is now happening to him.

He cant believe that there are consequences for his behaviour.

[mrsjay]

I hope you get the help you need for your son your husband supports you and you get through this I am still with you on going to the polce about he can not think it is ok to assault you,

[ribba]

I am wondering whether the police response has given him a shock enough to examine the way in which he's dealt with this so far. Do you think you can present a united front to your DS tonight and tell him what's going to happen with the police?

You are doing your DS a favour by making him face up to the reality of what he has done. As Flow says you have a right to feel safe in your own home and so do your younger children.

What do you think would happen if your DH moved out for a time?

[mulranno]

Yes - I told himt his mornng and asked him to come with me. He did. We were interviewed separately as I was the victim and he was the witness.

[ribba]

Mulranno does your husband know you have contacted the police?

[mulranno]

Flow - what you have said is all factually correct but it somehow seems more shocking to read.

I think that I have opened the can of worms that I didn't really want to. I saw the police this morning - they are proceeding whether I provide a written statement or not.

They consider it a low level common assault but will progress it because I mentioned numerous previous attacks which left bruising. Likely to get some sort of caution which will be on file for CRB checks - although no further action is another possible outcome.

They will formally interview him on Sunday morning with a solicitor and another appropriate adult present (we cant be there).
Think that I wish I had spoken with the school first. Not sure when and how to tell him. But I do know that he has done something very wrong and even worse is that he cant see it and I know he needs help.

I hope this doesn't tip us all over the edge. I also have my husband pleading for me not to make him move out.