to be hurt that after sharing a major marriage crisis with friends....

(19 Posts)
mulranno Tue 19-Nov-13 19:46:07

leading to divorce - none have followed up with a call or text?

thebody Tue 19-Nov-13 19:47:56

oh bloody hell op so sorry, how did you share it? with mutual friends? how was it left? xx

AgentZigzag Tue 19-Nov-13 19:48:14

YANBU <hug>

How long ago are you talking?

You would have thought they'd have contacted you even if it was last week, but if you've got to the divorce bit it must have been a while.

How close are you to your friends?

mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 09:57:07

I am not divorced yet - this was just the decision that I got to after various unforgivable incidents. My best friend I called 2 1/2 weeks ago after the final straw incident on a Sunday morning. She was v supportive and spent 2 hrs on the phone with me that morning - I followed up with an update by text that week (2 weeks ago) - I have not heard anything since. My next best friend I told on Friday last week during a v tearful lunch - again v supportive - but I have heard nothing - but it is early days. My sister I went to on the afternoon of the issue 2.5 weeks ago, She listened etc - but I have only had texts about summer holiday arrangements since. My sister told my other sister at my request. She has not called me or returned my calls until I doggedly tracked her down last night. Took me ages to get on to the subject. She listened but was firmly of the it will blow over approach. Maybe it is too difficult for them to handle? Feel very alone - I rarely seek support and constantly give. Maybe I just need to seek impartial professional support

shewhowines Wed 20-Nov-13 10:01:10

It does sound tough. People are busy and whilst that's no excuse, it doesn't always mean they don't care.
thanks

AndYouCanDance Wed 20-Nov-13 10:03:41

So sorry. That sounds awful. And unfair.

Have you thought about starting a thread on Relationships? It's very helpful and supportive over there.

Thumbwitch Wed 20-Nov-13 10:15:11

Perhaps they don't want to intrude and are waiting for you to let them know what's happening?

Have you ever been in this situation before, and backed down from it? Because that might be a factor as well - they might be biding their time to see if it's all going to sort itself out or not. It's hard for friends because they might want to tell you that they think your partner is a total wanker, but if you then stay/get back together with said partner, you're always going to know that your friends think he's an utter tosser (been there, only we didn't get back together, which is just as well!) So maybe they're waiting until there is more certainty that it's over, so they can jump in and agree with you that he's the worst type of knobber ever etc.

Joysmum Wed 20-Nov-13 10:19:39

It's so hard for many people to know what to do for the best. They may think they are intruding, may feel inadequate, may think that's it's best to wait for your call, believing you'd call if you needed them. They may believe that there is someone else better placed to help you.

I'd drop people texts, or call if you prefer, to open up the dialogue. You may think you've been abandoned but that generally isn't the case.

ToffeePenny Wed 20-Nov-13 10:34:38

I can only speak from personal experience - I had a friend who is now divorced from her xh but this took her deciding to divorce him about 5 times. Each time she told all her friends and tried to get them to justify her decision that he was bad and what she was doing was right etc.

I was/am also friends with her xh and come from (very messily) divorced parents and so would avoid these discussions as much as possible. She probably saw this as you do - as me being unhelpful, but it was tough to listen to her bad mouthing him, looking for my agreement constantly, not finding it, and then being off with me for not agreeing.

Each time she went back to him they'd get drunk together and she'd blab about mention what their (formerly) joint friends had said about him - x thinks you're a workaholic, y said you drink too much, z said etc etc. There were elements of truth in all of these but out of context - her friends had said these to make her feel better when the truth was they (her and her xh) were simply not suited. The result was that those friends were edged out of the circle when they (friend and xh) got back together and never came back.

I'm not for a minute suggesting you are like this - she is the only one of my now divorced friends to have acted like this, though the others have all gone back to try and make it work at least once before divorcing. I am trying to suggest why people are being less than they should be to you - for them it is not as 'done' a deal as it is for you yet, as far as they know it may 'blow over' and they don't want to risk being in the wrong place if it does. Like me, they may have had a similar experience with another person.

Talk to them - not about your soon to be ex but about you and them and your futures. Ask directly for constructive help (finding/furnishing a place, company on nights out to see your favourite band/team/show etc) and you'll probably find they step up in other areas.

ToffeePenny Wed 20-Nov-13 10:35:14

oops - epic post, sorry.

mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 10:40:48

Thanks ToffeePenny - I think that people might be over whelmed or not want to get involved. I will be more direct and specific with my needs.

mulranno Wed 20-Nov-13 11:02:01

Yes I have picked up on relationships thread - it has been v helpful

DuckToWater Wed 20-Nov-13 11:07:35

I wouldn't really expect friends to be rushing round and getting involved, I'd call them if I needed them. Mainly I'd be sorting stuff out in my head, I think and practical stuff so they probably want to let you get on with that.

springyticky Wed 20-Nov-13 11:24:49

I'm with you on this. imo friends step up when there's a crisis, of whatever kind.

Time to choose some more friends. You say you 'constantly' give - perhaps you haven't noticed it wasn't reciprocated? Well now it's clear it isn't sad

You wouldn't be the first to find out the hard way that your friends aren't there for you. Shitty to find out in the middle of a crisis, double whammy ((hug))

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 07:02:12

Been following your other thread and you are doing so well. My friends were amazing around my divorce but my family didn't talk to me for well over a year afterwards aside from two of my lovely aunts. I believe the wording from my 3x divorced dad was 'have a nice life' . They were thinking about the impact on them not the impact on me confused so maybe that's what is going on with your family, particularly if it was as you said about him being so nice and pleasant and blah blah bs

You are not being unreasonable at all. Maybe the friends are thinking about the best way to respond?

Lavenderhoney Tue 26-Nov-13 07:13:34

I am experiencing much the same thing. I feel very needy but I am needy! Maybe they all think I am coping and don't need them. Maybe its true and a friend in need is a pita.

One is busy moving house and restarting her life, two have dropped me like a stone as they think I should put up and shut up, another again is too busy, the last 3 are sahm - which I would have thought meant they would have a moment to text or email! and another one who I thought would be too busy as they have a role which is very stressful and long hours, lives on the other side of the world with no real contact before as lives so different over time, has been amazing.

"I am not divorced yet - this was just the decision that I got to after various unforgivable incidents"

Have you shared these incidents, your friends have been supportive, then you have minimised his behaviour and stayed?

I have ran out of empathy with friends who have done that, tbh. I have also not ran to them when they say that the relationship is over, until time has passed.

I have, when younger cancelled my plans and "been there" for friends, then they've gone back anyway. After so many times of doing that, you put yourself first. I have found that being a support doesn't change the outcome, it has to come from the individual.

I have had friends who paint a rosy picture of an idolic life, then want to critise their partner from day one, when they split. Without sounding harsh, what they choose to put up with, is for them to get over.

There is a limit to what you can give to others.

If that isn't the case then, they are obviously taking the stance of not getting involved and your not as close as you thought.

springytickly Wed 27-Nov-13 20:19:16

from my experience, I think other couples can find another's couple's divorce a threat. Almost like they'll catch it if they get too close hmm

mulranno Thu 28-Nov-13 23:04:44

"Have you shared these incidents, your friends have been supportive, then you have minimised his behaviour and stayed?" Birdsgottafly - nope not done that.....have grumbled, moaned and expressed frustration about him on occasions to close friends and family but have not shared the specific issue before. Two of my 3 sisters have since been in touch and so have one of my two closest friends - so not so bad really.

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