13 year old son wants the world

[Lisacb32]

I need some advice please.
My husband and I have 6 children the eldest being a 13 year old boy the youngest being a 2 year old girl.
The issue is my son. He extremely selfish and high maintenance for want of a better word. If he doesn't get his own way everyone in the house knows about it. I know he is in his teenage years so a lot of Kevin and perry is going on but for an example Christmas. Every year for a guide we spend around £250 per child and are very fair with it. They all get the same amount. My son this year wants and xbox one. We have explained that's not possible as it is out of our price range so he kicks off how he never has anything. He bought himself an xbox last year purely because he got one for the previous Christmas but decided to take it apart to modify it and broke it. It was shared with his brother age 12 but we refused to buy another. He has a laptop a computer and they share a ps3 also. He also has an iPhone and a tablet (which he broke). These things were presents not handed on a plate. Everything has to be brand names or he won't wear it then complains he has no clothes. The list goes on. We tried to be fair and a rule in my house is when they start high school for chores they can have £20 each child. Even when number 6 gets there the same will apply. I use the child benefit for this. The chores were washing up everyday and that's it. Our thinking was if they want to go out with their friends they have the money to do so as we don't always have spare cash. If they want £100 pair of trainers rather than a £40 pair that I would buy they can put the extra to it. This wasn't good enough as they wouldn't do their job. By they I mean the 2 boys I have at high school. We took the jobs away but I was forever dipping in my purse. (They both get £3.50 a day for school and the shop but if I can't provide money for the shop I. The worst mother ever!)We said we will trial them back for their benefit but until they can do the job without moaning it would be £10. They both refused saying it wasn't worth it and now don't do anything! We are struggling to find mutual ground with anything and I'm worrying that my 13 year old will ruin Christmas Day by sulking that what he gets is rubbish and he didn't want it. Im sorry for the long speech and I could go on but we are at our wits end. Has anyone got any advice?

[trooperlooperdo]

sorry hit post before I meant to.

If he doesn't like that idea, then he gets no money and he still has to make his own sandwiches for school. At least that way, he's getting off his arse to look after himself and learning that money doesn't grow on trees

[trooperlooperdo]

3.50 EVERY day for food? Why can't he make his own sandwiches? That's over £650 per year per child. Perhaps if he chose to make his own sandwiches and pay you say £2.50 per day for the stuff to make them with, he'd have enough for his x box after a year?

Agree with previous poster who said that stropping children are sent to their rooms

[bishbashboosh]

Hi Hun,

I do understand where you are coming from. I have 4 children and my oldest son is coming up to being a teenager.

Boys I. Particular can be selfish and introvert ease don't take it personally!

Remind yourself it is just a phase and hormones and also peer pressure.

Show him your boundaries but also reassure him that you've him and he's amazing.

It's really hard for you, and for him in aarge family. Just think the skills he is learning, you're doing a great job xxxx

[conclusionjumper]

Having been through my version of this all I can say is get your thick skin on. Let me know how it's going to be then just keep saying it. Want a new xbox sorry can't have one it's too expensive repeat ad nauseum and just don't feel bad about it. Once they've got you feeling guilty they will move in for the financial kill.

Make clear rules that don't need negotiating on the spur of the moment. Oh, we've got a rule for that one - sorry dear.

[nooka]

I don't think that 250 pounds is particularly excessive, different families can afford different amounts and the cost of presents soon adds up. I've also told my son that he's not getting cash towards what he wants this Christmas. Cash is not a good present in my eyes.

With such diverse age ranges I don't think a rigid scheme works very well. My children are very close in age so that's fine, but with a 11 year age gap it doesn't seem very sensible, especially for pocket money - 20 pounds will be worth less in ten years than it is now simply throguh inflation. However you are giving him an awful lot of money, it looks like he could quite easily save up for a new console himself. He is definitely not hard done by!

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

I spend probably £250 per child at Xmas too. Yes it's a lot but they don't ask..or get..anything special throughout the year so I budget carefully and spoil them at Xmas. Mine are (four of) aged 16 -21.

I don't think that gifts at Xmas ruin a child.. mine don't care if it's Primark (which it is for pjs, undies and most boys stuff) but the attitude is the problem.

Teens are inherently selfish..they are toddlers in a big, confusing body, surging with hormones and seething with resentment. Boundries matter.

I'd point out to your son, the obvious.. you have XX budget and if he choses to be a miserable bugger on Xmas day then that is his problem! In a few years he will be able to earn his own money for the latest gaming machine and in the meantime.. tough.

He's probably not as tough as he thinks he is, and seeing this thread won't do him any harm.. they aren't BAD teens, just can't see beyond their immediate desires.

But the food stuff... it doesn't stop. Teen boys INHALE food..and always late at night!!

[HomeHelpMeGawd]

As he's seen this thread, now may be a good time to have a bigger heart to heart about what's really going on. Early adolescence is a tough place, for him as much as for you.

[MissScatterbrain]

I have teenagers and I agree that £250 per child is excessive.

Its always been £50-£100 here - they have to use money from other sources (pocket money, relatives etc) if they want to buy something expensive. They accept it as its what they are used to and because they had to "earn" these items (ie not handed on a plate), they do appreciate and care for these. No breakages etc.

Teenagers are naturally entitled and its up to you to manage this behaviour - they need boundaries otherwise it will escalate.

As for food - they are going through a huge growth spurt and they always seem to be especially hungry at night so I would buy high carb foods (noodles, pasta, bread etc) for him to prepare his own snacks when the younger DC have gone to bed.

[specialsubject]

I have to agree with Mrs Bright. He is rude and ungrateful and you are rewarding this.

make it clear that unless behaviour and manners improve right now, there will be nothing except essentials.

[MrsBright]

Spoilt little brat? Give a kid everything and they understand the value of bugger-all. He breaks things because he sees no value/worth/delight in them, so its totally pointless getting them isnt it? Wont wear anything but brand names? Then dont buy him anything.

Who are you doing this Big Gift Buying Parade for anyway - him or you? And why - because he's seeing nothing of you (work.....) or actually you want him out of your hair because you cant be bothered with the reality of 6 kids and chucking endless money at them makes you think you are a good parent?

You are spending a LUDICROUS amount on presents, and clearly it means nothing to this child, so STOP DOING IT. Cut out the fancy beep-beep electronics, give them all books, clothes and sweets next year and every year after - unless of course you want to raise another 5 ungrateful rude little sods.

Sorry to be harsh lady, but you've done this, no-one else. Stop over indulging your kids or you'll get the kids you deserve - and everyone else loathes.

[Rascalls3]

Sammie, are you telling me not EVERYONE at uni has a Mac......dam it she lied (to be fair it is a joint Christmas /18th birthday .....19th,20th,21st.... gift)

[NoComet]

Why can't he have the £250 in cash if that's what he wants.

I spent years training my Grandmother that her choice in clothes was dire and please give me the money.

Maybe, this seems a bit rude, but we weren't very well off and it was just a waste giving my DSIS and me things we simply weren't going to wear.

Likewise we would combine, birthday, Christmas, parental and family monies if we wanted something larger.

Gifts under the tree is very sweet, but gifts gathering dust is pointless.

Yes, it's the thought that counts, but thoughts go both ways.

Your DS needs to realise that he is a member of a large family and lucky it is financially secure.

You have to accept not many DCs have five siblings and very few 15y have two year-old siblings.

Compromise as always is the name of the game.

[Sammie101]

Rascalls-£800 for a laptop?! Is she doing a computer course where she needs a high spec computer or something?! For uni I got a £300 laptop and that was my joint birthday and Christmas present!

I agree £250 is too much for a toddler but spending MORE than that for a teen seems quite excessive (unless it is a big present that is needed). Maybe that's just me though because I went through my teen years knowing we didn't have a lot of money therefore never expecting much :-/

[DwellsUndertheSink]

my DD did similar when she came across a thread Id written about her unhygienic practices. SHe was angry and mortified, but she cleaned up her act. Still mutters about it though....

[Lisacb32]

Thanks for all the advice. This afternoon we had a chat from school. He gets home before I get in from picking the smaller ones up. I asked him as I do everyday how was school and I could tell something was up. I went upstairs and asked him who's upset him and he replied me!! Turns out he had gone on my iPad when he got in and saw this thread. He wasn't impressed! I explained that that's how he behaves and how we all see him. I asked him if I had lied about anything or if he felt any of it was out of order but he couldn't answer as he knew I was right. To be perfectly honest I think it has hit home as this evening he has been over helpful! There has not been one argument that he has been involved in and his brother hasn't been hit. Now I'm hoping I haven't jinxed it x

[sadsometimes]

Things don't sound quite right. I would let him eat what he wanted within reason as he's 13 and growing. I would absolutely not tolerate spoilt behaviour as you've described. My dd1 got a bit silly over stuff a few months ago and we sat down and had a good talk about it, turns out she was worried and anxious about something and thought getting stuff would help. Your children do sound a bit spoilt as does your husband (wants presents under the tree - won't countenance your ds chipping in)

[Helpyourself]

You're making money the master in your household.
It's ridiculous to spend £250 on a present for a 2yo.
And £3.50 a day for what?
Seriously get a hold on this now- you're setting him up for major problems in later life.

[thecatlikesmebest]

I think a budget of £250 every Christmas is too much even though you can afford it (your house must befull of stuff). This is where he has got his materialistic attitude from. You can decide whether to carry on with that or not.
On the fridge raiding, that is different. 13 year old boys have huge appetites and you should expect him to be permanently hungry for a few years. Have a look at this thread. He's your eldest so this is new to you and you might want to think about a different rule for him than the younger ones and keeping suitable stuff in that he can help himself to.

[DwellsUndertheSink]

I saw a great parent advice thing yesterday - "you can have todays wifi password when you have done X, Y and Z" - Im thinking of implementing it at this house!

[Rascalls3]

It's never easy is it. I have tried with my three older teens 'to not sweat the small stuff'. With gifts I have had it easier as I only have girls, from what I have seen teen boys don't want much but what they do want is massively expensive! I do understand your eldest a little as I always felt we with lived on such a tight budget (and I mean 1970s tight) as a child because I was one of four. I was never bold enough to articulate this though! I planned to have only two but life always interferes with the best laid plans! I hope you have a stress free Chistmas.

[Lisacb32]

I have sorted Christmas this year maybe next I will try adjusting the budget accordingly.

[Lisacb32]

I agree there is. But I don't want to turn him away from us completely! I'm trying to get him to see he is lucky what he has and despite how it may sound it isn't spoilt. The things he has are presents that haven't exceeded any limits or I have just decided oh yes you can have that for no reason or he has bought himself. I don't go and buy him the expensive clothes. I don't even wear them! We aren't rich, we run an average house. Only my husband works. I don't tidy their room as they trash it and break even the wardrobe, I don't put their washing away, I make them bring their washing to me.
The older he is getting the more he thinks he can have. He forgets he has 5 siblings who each need things. His attitude is he never asked me to have more children which yes is downright rude and disrespectful. I was asking for advice on how I can make him see the way I'm seeing without resorting to him having absolutely anything, hating us completely and growing up thinking he had a bad childhood. He is still a person who still has feelings and his own mind :-/

[Rascalls3]

Although I agree that your son is being spectacularly ungrateful and you are probably being far too generous, I don't agree with the Christmas budget being split equally. There is no way a 2 year old needs £250 worth of gifts.Unless you really want your house filled with pink plastic!
I would be spending more on the older children/teens and a lot less on the under tens.
This year one of my 17 year old twins is getting a Mac Air (£860 ish) She will be going to uni and her laptop has died. Her twin is spending a year travelling and we will get her a mini IPad as this will be all that she will need.
By the time that your 2 year old gets old enough to need more expensive gifts hopefully your older sons will be working and you can downsize their gifts accordingly.