17 yr old daughter staying out all night advice please going mad

[sturdygirlwobble]

My lovely DD of 17 has started staying out all night. Since getting a job in a local restaurant the otherwise quiet homeloving girl has turned into a demon. She finished with her lovely boyfriend, started drinking and staying out all night. We are besides ourselves with worry. She has started to hangout with a lad from work who looks like a weed smoker and I have got some evidence to back this up.
We have explained that we need to know where she is and with who and details at best are sketchy. My relationship with her is the lowest it has ever been, her dad is a trooper and is keeping communication channels open. I just constantly feel cross at her and worry she is sleeping around and generally being out of control. Her dad is normally the tower of strenght but even he is down about it today. She is staying out yet again tonight for the second evening on the trot. Are we being unreasonable. She recently failed her AS levels and we think she is confused about her future but we have tried to talk to her calmly and show her the different options available.
Are we just finding it difficult to let go ? everybody elses child seems to be doing well and our daughter is behaving like a right problem child. We are at the end of our tether and utterly exhausted with worry...any suggestions

[10littlesnowmen]

The best thing i've done today is join this group. from despair I now have a little hope that we are not alone in dealing with a nearly 18 year old. Thank you.

[sturdygirlwobble]

Hi littlesnowmen, yes it was the best thing ive done too. Why did I think dd sleeplessness was such a problem when a baby I dont know. I sometime yearn for those problems again !!!!!

[sashh]

everybody elses child seems to be doing well and our daughter is behaving like a right problem child

Nope she is doing what thousands of teenagers will be doing in freshers week later this month/next month.

She is spreading her wings.

Id she had passed her As levels and A Levels and was at uni would you be worried?

[jellybeans]

Selfish and upsetting sums up some teenagers unfortunately including my DD :( However I was the same and we just have to sometimes expect less from them as they pull away/go off the rails etc. My DD aged 16 has to be in at night or tell us where she is and also do well at school for us to pay for nice things such as phone contracts etc. Also a minimum level of respect. Things like choice of boyfriend we have left to her now even if we feel it is not healthy at all because 1) coming between them does not work and just drives them away/makes it worse and 2) they have to make their own mistakes. It's a really difficult age and very upsetting when you feel treated so badly by your own child. But there is hopefully good bits in between and they will grow out of it :)

[StephenFrySaidSo]

can I just say- I am dreading my two hitting the teen years because I am pretty sure I have a skip load of karma scheduled to land on my doorstep for what I put my mother through. I don't know if there is anything I can do to avoid it other than keep laying down those good moral foundations and hope most of it sticks by them till they are through the other side. apart from that I just know to expect the worst, hope for the best and be prepared for it to be nasty for a while. maybe that's really pessimistic of me and it wont be as bad as that but i'd rather think that way and be pleasantly surprised than think the opposite and be completely blindsided when it hits.

[sturdygirlwobble]

Srephenfry I think you are underselling yourself..you have given me such fantastic advice and made mw feel so much better. You seem to have an instinctive knowledge that I lack in this area. It must be hard being on your own and know that scary feeling about behavioural issues. I have been looking for a while for some teen parenting class as was so desparate to know how to handle this phase. No need as mn to the rescue !!!As you can tell i am a real open book and am now glad I didn't find anything locally and can now pretend like all the rest of the smug brigade, locally that all is well !!!!!!!

[chocoluvva]

You might find these books useful:

'The Parenting Book' by Nicky and Sila Lee (they are a Christian couple who have made a course for the parents of teenagers, based on a DVD which comes with a short book with advice, encouragement and exercises to do, if you feel inclined to do them!) Disclaimer, even the ladies who led this course at a local church admitted that Nicky and Sila Lee are an "unusual couple" but even those of us with no christian faith found their approach very helpful.

'Get out of my life, but first can you take Alex and me into town?' - sorry I can't remember the name of the author but it's available from Amazon.

It's so upsetting when your DC behave in a way that seems destructive. So easy for others to say that they're 'spreading their wings' or 'normal' and so difficult to avoid inflaming the situation by shouting/hand-wringing etc. Or feeling that you're a useless parent and it's all your fault that things have 'gone wrong'.

I hope you and your DD are doing okay again.

Have some virtual and from a fellow parent of two teenagers who also finds it very difficult from time to time!

[StephenFrySaidSo]

wow- thank you for that sturdygirl I think it's easier to advise when you aren't directly involved/biased than when you are the parent in the situation yourself. I only hope you are right and that when the time comes I am able to step back and see the bigger picture.

make sure you are looking after yourself- it may not seem like it, but there is more to you and your life than what is happening with your DD so make sure you are still enjoying the other aspects and don't put your life on hold til this passes. you need your friends and social life if only for a bit of respite from the whole stressfulness of being at home.

[sturdygirlwobble]

thanks for book tips chocoluvva i really appreciate it. the second title looks right up my street. . still putting on the Oscar performance here of cool mum as the games continue. aaaaaggggg this is the hardest thing I've ever done

[chocoluvva]

Oh you're doing so very well indeed. It's so difficult.

I hope she settles down again soon. Any chance of the boyfriend going round to yours?

[flow4]

What a great thread! :)
One of the most reassuring things I've learned during these teenage years is that Even when you lose control, you still have influence. You keep on giving 'moral messages' - telling them about your values and standards, and even if/when they seem to be rejecting them they are quietly absorbing them... Then one day you find they've grown up and are behaving decently again! :)

[YoureBeingADick]

well done OP! ( I am Stephen) you are doing brilliantly- as flow says- your moral values will be sinking in even if she doesn't realise it or show it. this isn't permanent- remember that- this is a (hate the word but) 'phase' in her life that's causing a lot of worry for you and her dad- it WILL pass and the best thing you can do now is to control the extent to which it changes your relationships in the long term and that is by your reaction. i'd say you have it spot on by the sounds of things. stay strong and remember 'this too shall pass' keep in your mind that image of your 25 year old daughter having matured and settled and having a great relationship with you. she is still that great person you have raised her to be and she will get back to that once she has worked out where her own personal boundaries are.

[sturdygirlwobble]

oh thank you all . dd gone out tonight without the mobile phone....looking shifty and anxious. this means only one think ...she plans not to come home after work tonight and doesn't want us calling her. at least i should b pleased that his is causing he some anxiety in the mostly hidden moral compass she may still have . Will read and reread the thread to gain inner strength. many thank again to you all . sorry to be living this all put on here but hells bells it helps x

[Becs35]

reading through this post as dd has been out for two nights. No phone call/text saying where she is. her reason we don't treat her like an adult. Hardest thing I've been through in all the 17 years. No idea how to react! Yo yo between wanting to shout and just ignoring! Will carry on reading this thread!

[YoureBeingADick]

oh becs that's very hard. I hope she feels a pang of guilt and comes home soon. as hard as it is I would try and bite my tongue until the anger and worry has subsided a bit- nothing good is said in anger. wait until you are calm before speaking with her about how you feel about it. if she thinks she's coming home to an earful she'll stay away. lots of deep breaths and counting as high as you need to count to get through the rage that no doubt you will feel when you see her/talk to her.

[sturdygirlwobble]

becs am so sorry to hear that you are going through the same. I hope all of these threads are of some help to you. Isnt this difficult and worrying ??? A few of the comments have helped me. One was the very difficult detachment thing, were just keep telling yourself to remain detached and not take it personally. The other is to remind yourself that she wont want to come home if there is constant rowing. I sound so well trained at this ............oh I am not believe me but floundering through it all with the aid of this brilliant advice. I have also read the Maryz thread (about problem teens) and actually put some of my own worries in perspective. I hope it helps that there are some more of us out there going through the same.I keep repeating to myself ..and so too this will pass. And to add to my misery I have just started getting hot flushes ...bloody hell they really suck !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kansasmum]

Another parent of a nightmare 17 yr old here:( you have my sympathy. Dd is at a friends as we speak and said she isn't "coming home anytime soon. " The latest "reason" is because she was told to STOP taking her sisters clothes and confronted about lazing about all day. She has dropped out of college but, tbh, they would have probably kicked her out due to appalling attendance and attitude.
Was told we didn't care about her and to foff when I texted her earlier.

I will be honest- life is SO stressful with her around atm, its much more pleasant without her here. However she s my dd and I love her and she is bright and could do so much but has no focus, conscience and basically acts like she doesn't give a sht.

Have cried, shouted, bribed, cajoled etc. she can be LOVELY but sadly most of the time she is lazy ignorant rude and a PITA.

Often wonder where I have gone wrong:(

I hope she will come home soon and have no idea what to do for the best?? Leave her be and hope and pray she will eventually come home or go round to the friends??
We've cut off all money but are still paying her phone contract so we can at least contact her.
She works a Couple of shifts in the local pub. That is all.

At a total loss.

[sturdygirlwobble]

Hi, you also have my sympathy regarding this. It totally envelopes you in a cloak of misery doesnt it ? You sound like you are doing all the right things in my opinion. And dont fret about the feeling better when she is not there , the very same thought has passed through my mind.
I also have questioned what I have done, and you know what we have done nothing. The age they are at dictates they are selfish little madams. My daughter who is finally home was asked to wash up today, she announced that she is working tonight. DH said that as parents we are always working and doing other chores, what was she doing to contribute....nothing at all. She didnt reply, probably gave a dirty look.
We also wonder how long the school thing will last. We kept her side last year with a teacher who was ready to throw her off the course,this year she is on her own. She now says she has a focus, but is showing no inclination towards study, though her attendance so far is ok. She is now admitting of sorts to be going out with the weed smoking loser, (not letting her know my feelings anymore) and spending more and more time with him.

The hardest part is letting them learn the hard way isnt it, but my daughter clearly wants to and as a parent I now have to let this happen.

I have decided to back off totally, let her stay over with him and let it run its course. Its a nightmare, but am hoping it will fizzle out, plus all the advice I have been given here has been no end of help.

Dont blame yourself for this. Read the excellent advice that people have posted to me on this thread and detach ........ and take some comfort that you have support here to see you through. I really hope this helps. It wont make her come home, but may help you get your head around it all. Stay strong. I am confident our DD will one day be proper human beings !!!!!

[kansasmum]

Well she's still in a mood and not coming home. She told me via text that I pushed her out. This would be because I told her she was not to take her sister's clothes and told she was not lying about in bed all at and needed to pull her weight and contribute. Apparently I am a f**ing bitch.
Where has my lovely girl gone? I feel such a failure as a parent, I really do:(
Why is she so nasty? I seriously doubt she would care if I dropped down dead tomorrow - I really doubt she would care. She shows no feeling for anyone in her family, even her little brother (he's 6).

She can be lovely but seeing less of that. Why does she feel that asking her to get off her ass and either go to college recent a job is unreasonable and that being told not to steal her sisters clothes means we all hate her and have pushed her out?

I'm so upset and disappointed. I have no idea what to do next? Go round to where she is( risking a screaming scene from her) or leave her to come home at some point?
Will she think we not care if we dont go round and therefore go even more off the rails?
I feel like I cant win:(.
Sat here sobbing tonight.....

[sturdygirlwobble]

oh wish i could give you a big hug. I think as hard as it is I would leave her there and let the situation calm down and talk to her calmly when she comes back.
again I would say read some of the replies posted to me. coccoluvva and Stephenfry all given me advice that calmed me right down. they are seriously spot on inthe advice. this is a hideous phase and it Will pass am sure. don't take the name calling swearing thing to heart she is just angry, my dh just comment same about our dd, so angry with us about everything.
try hard not to take this personally .
You must ressure yourself that you have done nothing wrong. i felt this in low moments too but it just makes feeling bad even worse. I got angry as decided that she was not going to make rest of my life miserable affect my life with other dd . that bucked me up. I hope this helps you x i keep re reading all this support to help me.

[sturdygirlwobble]

Kansasmum I have just got my.copy of the book....get out of my life-but first take me and Alex into town . I have only read first few pages and already this teen parenting thing makes sense in what the author is saying . its empowering. HOpe things are better your end. i strongly suggest you get this book

[Claypotty]

Going through hell with my 17 year old daughter at the moment. Think all your advice is 'sick' 🙂

[AtSomePointInLife]

I'm the same with dd 17, it's a very worrying and stressful time 😢

[Andi2020]

This is an old thread but it would be helpful if some 9f the posters told an update of where they are at now.