Advice needed - DNA?

[julie48]

I was awake half the night going through my dilemma and still not reached an answer. I am separated from my dd dad. She is 14 and we split up 10 years ago. I have never known 100% if he is her father, but have not told anyone my suspicions. What has brought things to a head is that her Dad has found out he has got a really serious genetic condition, which if he is her father she could have too. She can't be tested for it until she is 18, but he told her she may have it. It is vary rare, so if he is not her father she won't have it. I feel I want to have a paternity test done, but if she is his she is at risk of serious illness and if she is not his she would be devastated to find out. What would you do?

[BelieveinWigan]

Do it please the health of your child is more important then who you slept with 14 years ago

[titchy]

Why can't she be tested until she's 18?

[GlaikitFizzog]

I think you need to sit down and talk open,y and frankly with your dd and your ex. Your dd deserves to know who her father is. Your ex may be her "dad" but his health scare has shone the light on how important it actually is.

It's going to be a tough conversation but you know deep down you have to have it.

[julie48]

Thank-you for the quick replies - this was my first post, so didn't expect anything so quickly! For this condition they refuse to test before 18, as illness doesn't usually present until your 20's-30's (or later) and once you know you carry the gene, you have to have invasive tests annually.

My dd and I have a really good relationship. I think telling her this would destroy that. She also loves her dad's family (lots of cousins, half brothers and sisters) and would be devastated to find out she was not related to them all along. I wish I had done a test when we first split up. Also if I tell her it could be someone else would I need to tell her why i.e. because I was forced or just let her think I cheated on her Dad?

[rootypig]

OP were you raped? If so I am so sorry that that happened to you. i ask because I think it has a bearing on the situation - if there is a chance your DD was conceived because of an assault, then that is another very difficult thing to navigate and I would seek out specialist advice from a young person's counsellor. In fact that might be a good idea anyway.

[GlaikitFizzog]

But those half brothers and sisters will still be there, its not just blood that makes you family.

Flip it the ther way round, what if is ex isn't her father and perfectly healthy but possible father suddenly gets a diagnosis that could have been passed on. Wild you bury your head in the sand for fear of upsetting. Your relationship?

I'm sorry but its your daughter who takes priority here not you.

And be honest with her about the circumstances, don't let her think anything, full disclosure is the only way I think you can get through this. She will want to/need to know I suspect.

What is the alternative, you wait until she is tested at 18, if she has the disease she is your exs dd, if she doesn't you still can't be sure who her father is.

[julie48]

Rootypig, I would call it being forced by an ex-boyfriend rather than an assault. I do not know where he is now - or even if he is still alive!

Thanks GlaikitFizzog, I think talking it through with my new partner may be the first step, as I haven't spoken to him about it yet! That's why I came on here, as it is so much easier writing it on here than bringing the subject up with any of them!

[rootypig]

Ok OP - I hope you're ok now. I think you need to tell your daughter sooner rather than later. Talking to DP sounds like a good first step - and I would talk to your GP / establish counselling options before you do too. Good luck.

[julie48]

Thank-you Rootypig. Sounds like the best way forward. I will talk to DP this weekend while DD is visiting her Dad.

[Alexia12]

What is the likelyhood of this condition being passed on? Just because its genetic doesn't mean your dd is certain to inherit it. If when she is tested and results for the condition are negative there is a good chance that your ex (person dd thinks is dad) is her father. some advice from your doc about all this may help set your mind at ease until the time dd can be tested and then issues of paternity may need to be looked at

[PuzzledBear]

I think if I were in your position I would have a frank talk with the doctor and try to persuade them to reconsider the question of testing her earlier than normal. I can't understand the benefit in any case of having her worry needlessly for 4 years over the uncertainty of possibly having this illness. And if the test comes back negative (as it most likely will?) then there will be no need to cause your daughter any distress by raising this at all.