Do I tell the parents of a teenager that I know he has been lying?

[milvus]

I know a teenager who is very talented, and clearly clever in many ways. But sadly he fabricates things - and has admitted to one "offence" because he had little choice.

What he did was not "terrible", but he is a keen birdwatcher, and fabricated details of a bird that he said he'd seen at a nearby location. Had this bird been genuine it would have attracted hundreds of birdwatchers from all over the country. He posted details of it on several websites and clearly wanted to cause people to take notice. He also attached a photo of the bird which he later admitted was taken at a zoo when people noticed from the photo's details that it could not be a wild bird.

He was 15 then. When I asked him why he created the hoax he did not answer directly, but agreed it was very stupid. Rather than impress people, he has actually made a complete fool of himself. Many hundreds of birdwatchers know about this case - and few will now listen to anything he says in the future.

I am sure he tried to create the same effect once again, but this time in the third person - so a kind of double hoax.

I also know that he recently submitted a photo for a competition of UK wildlife images which he took abroad rather than in the UK. He has a number of awards already - but it seems that winning by honest means is not on for him.

I am about the same age as his parents, and I am married with no children.

SO....... my question to you is this. Should I tell his parents - or should I just confront him again myself? I am one of the few people who is prepared to give him a second chance, and I have tried to help him - but now he has lied to me.

[WafflyVersatile]

It's tricky. Kids (and adults) bullshit from time to time. If he'd told mates at school about the bird and showed them the pic they would have believed him or not. it used to be that it would go no further than his mates or some girls he was trying to impress or the school maybe. But with the internet the bullshit might be the same but the audience is much wider and perhaps more scope for humiliation or harm.

I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to talk crap from time to time but it might be worth trying to find out why and talking about the consequences when you're on an open forum with a potentially enormous audience.

[MaryRose]

I just think this lad is behaving like a bit of a prat but that mountains are being made out of a very small molehill. Let it go. It really doesn't matter that much. And I would think competition judges are pretty good at weeding out dodgy photis anyhow, so let them deal with it

[milvus]

I've stood back - and want to thank everyone for their comments.

Because I to know the judges of this competition I suggested they might ask him a couple of questions about where the photo was taken and pointed to a snapshot of his own blog before he hid it. Although he had lied to me and insisted it was taken in the UK, he did not try that when the judges pointed out the evidence. He was politely told that he had to be disqualified.

I suppose my concern about whether to talk to his parents was based on the fact that their 16 year-old is widely named as a hoaxer and fraudster by many adults (mostly men) on an international discussion group with thousands of subscribers. I am sure they have no idea.

Overall I think it is right that if I do anything I should talk to him directly - if at all. He is clever and clearly talented. I just don't want to see him continue to be a figure of fun.

Thanks again. I joined mumsnet to be able to listen to the advice of parents and it has been useful.

[valiumredhead]

You sound a bit overly involved tbh OP.

[iclaudius]

Weird

[milvus]

I did post a reply to these points but it got lost somewhere.

I know the family because I am a respected birdwatcher in the area where he lives. He wants to work in science and I have made arrangements for him to meet the kind of scientists he wants to be like - this is because I am on the board of one of the senior birding institutes.

The reason I wondered if I should talk to his parents is that he is being named by other adults on a very public website as a fraudster. It is, of course, a very small matter in comparison with substance abuse and so on - but his name is mud.

I was unhappy that he was clearly misrepresenting the facts to the judges of that photo competition, so I alerted them. They realised what he had done and politely disqualified him. The chairman of the judges hoped to speak to the parents, but they were out when he called.

The advice given has been useful - if a bit blunt from a few people. I will talk to him myself. I don't have a problem in doing that but I wanted to hear the views of parents - not being one myself.

Thanks for your help

[valiumredhead]

Again-way too involved...

[milvus]

OK - I can see my message is there!

iclaudius - sorry you think it is "weird"

I'm done with this - thanks to those who made constructive comments either way.

[flow4]

milvus... Talk to him directly not to his parents, if you get involved at all. Actually, now you have spoken to the judges I think it is the 'decent' thing to do to talk to the boy too, and explain your reasons; otherwise you are just 'telling tales'.

Adults outside the family can sometimes help young people enormously, by giving them a way of forming relationships with the 'adult world'. This takes practice, and IME, teens who have no relationships with adults other than their parents and teachers often take longer to grow up, and may make 'mistakes', like your young friend here. Telling lies like this isn't the end of the world, but it's childish and behaving like a child in the adult world will cause him problems. You may be able to help him understand that.

Talking to his parents would probably make your involvement redundant: he's unlikely to need another nag in his life; he may need an adult who will tell him when he has been an arse, as a friend would. :)

BTW, Sunny is right. If you're concerned about his reputation, you should be aware there are thousands more readers here than on a bird-watching forum.