ds1 (16) found out his girlfriend is 13!

[daisydoodoo]

Im so cross ive been barefaced lied to by my ds1 and his girlfriend.

Ds1 is 16 in just over a week and just finished school so yr11. Hes been going out with his ggirlfriend for a couple of months. There was a rumour when they first started going out that she was yr8 I confronted them both together and she swore blind she was yr10 birthday in october so just missed on being in same year as ds1 by a couple of months.

So over the last couple of months ds2 (just 11) has had numerous people ask him if he was ds1's brother and that his brother was a paedo for going out with a yr 8. Each time ds2 had said no she was yr10 and defending his brother.

Tonight ds2 came home from the park upset as another boy had been saying stuff about ds1 again in front of ds2 and his friends.

I had been having doubts because of this so asked ds1 over dinner to confirm her age he was shifty and said she was 14 but I knew this wasn't the truth anyway a bit more pushing and he admitted she was $ is 13. Tbh im still unsure of her true age if shes yr8 with October birthday how old she would be?

I told him under no circumstances was he to contact her again and that I would be speaking to her parents and letting them know that I have told ds1 that he is not to go out with her.

Weve had screaming and shouting and swearing. I don't think im being unreasonable to say that a yr11 boy is too old to be goimg out with (regardless of sexual status of the relationship he assures me theyvr only kissed)? Am I being unreasonable in this decision?

[amumthatcares]

I agree with other comments...if you forbid him to see her, he most certainly will see her. As has been said, you cannot monitor who he has in your house when you are at work, apart from which, as her parents are fine with it, he will still be welcome in their house so they can spend the whole of the summer holidays there if they wish! You are just creating a situation where he will lie, deceive and sneak around - not one where he will abide by your decision. I also agree that a mature 13/14 year old girl and an immature 15/16 year old boy are not poles apart.

When my niece was 14, she had an 18 month relationship with an 18 year old!!! Her parents were absolutely fine with it and even let him stay in her room at their house - now that I would not allow!!

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

I've told ds2 to deny being ds1's brother if anyone says anything to him again

Jesus christ - why? What the hell sort of warped thing to do is that? They are brothers they should be sticking up for each other, looking out for each other - not denying that they are brothers.

His brother is seeing not even having sex with a girl only 2 years younger than him... your DS2 needs to tell others that's perfectly normal and to mind their own bloody business anyway. She's 13 - a teenager, not 10 FGS.

No wonder your son lied to you if this is the kind of over reaction you have to things.

[drwitch]

lots of 13 year old girls have relationships with boys who 16 and its fine (many 16 year old boys are not ready for sex yet either) but you are worried He lied, do you think he lied because he knew you would disapprove or because he is doing something that he knows is not right OR because his girl friend does not want you to contact her parents. I suspect the latter
I would meet with her parents and agree some ground rules, e.g. not being alone in the house together, back home before 8 etc etc.

[Remotecontrolduck]

I think your DS2 needs a firmer response to the paedo allegations, they really aren't nice at all and it's NOT ok to call someone paedophile when they're not, what horribly immature children. Don't make him deny he's his brother!

The relationship isn't a big deal, I think it will run its course like I said. If he's off to college/sixth form in September, a year 9 isn't going to be such an attractive proposition anymore. In 2 years time she still wont be legal so sex really is off the cards for a long time, he knows this. Just leave it, chances are it won't last and you're fretting about nothing.

He probably lied as he knew you'd over react.

[daisydoodoo]

this isn't the first time ds has had to deal with fall out from ds1's issues. An ex best friend of ds1's goes out of his way to call ds2 a fat cunt whenever he sees him just for being ds1's brother (he's not fat in anyway shape or form, but ds2 took this to heart and embarked on a eating strike, he is stocky, but he's much taller than average 11 yr old in fact is taller than his 15yr old brother, he's average weight for his height), so when ds2 said that he was going to deny ds1 was his brother, I said fine if that was how he felt and I could understand why. fwiw if you didn't know they were brothers you wouldn't guess as they look nothing like each other.

Ds1 doesn't ever seem to stick up for himself either, by not reacting and not responding it appears to have made the name calling worse, he does have victim written all over him and is immature for his age, not sensible at all.

I sent him a text this is what it says;

I want to speak to you and X and set some clear ground rules. Such s not allowed upstairs and no texting inappropriately. And I want to speak to X's parents face to face in the very near future to discuss this with them.
The onus is on you to behave appropriately as you are the one that would get into trouble even if she was in agreement with you and rightly so you would be the one in trouble as you are older.

[tobiasfunke]

You have done the right thing here. You should punish him for lying but not by stopping him seeing her because then he will feel like the victim and you will be the evil mother.
Think of something horrible for him to do he'll really hate.

[Greenkit]

TBH I can see why he lied if you have now banned him from seeing his GF, perhaps he 'knew' this would be the reaction.

As for the age difference its no big deal, just talk to him about the fact she's not yet legally able to have sex and any implications this might have for them both.

I have two children, 15 and 16 and have noticed that things like 'paedo' and 'racist' are banned about without much thought for their meanings.

Dont over react but give hime clear boundries and guidelines

[Greenkit]

*Banded

[PrincessScrumpy]

I haven't read the whole thread but my gut reaction about you saying to end the relationship just justifies why they lied to begin with - they knew how you'd react. If she's a nice girl and you have brought ds up with morals then there's no issue. I would talk to them together and also to ds separately re sex but other than that make sure you're available so ds gels he can come and talk to you.
I went to a girls school yet a 12 yo girl in my class dated (and slept with) a 19yo - that I have an issue with!

[OneMoreChap]

Gosh - that's a bit harsh.

When I was just 16 I very nearly ended up sleeping with a girl... until my friend's girlfriend said "You do know she's 13, right?"

Didn't look like it, with hair up and fag on; she was horrified she'd been split on.

She was 13 and certainly far more worldly wise than me. I backed away hastily holding on to my V card until I was just under 18, for a girl then older than me.

If he's a bright lad it should be fine, I would have thought.

[WilsonFrickett]

I've told ds2 to deny being ds1's brother if anyone says anything to him again

WTF? That is, quite frankly, bonkers. It also won't help DS2 deal with the situation, because clearly the people who are saying this to him know they're brothers.

[LapsedPacifist]

Honestly OP, you are being very harsh here. Your DS lied because he knew you'd ban him from seeing the girl if you knew how old she is. He was in a no-win situation! A 2 year age gap is nothing, and if they split up just because of peer pressure re. the academic year difference, then that's their decision to make.

Punish him for lying, but please don't stop these young people having a (supervised) relationship! That's incredibly cruel and will store up a whole heap of trouble for the future - don't give him such a perfectly justifiable excuse to rebel against you against during his GCSE year!

[Januarymadness]

An ex friend of ds1 having a go at ds2 is not ds1s fault it is the fault of the boy doing it.

Ds1 not responding is his way of dealing with hurtful things. It is not you way. But that is your problem.

You do need to have an adult conversation with him about the physical, emotional, moral and legal implications of under age relationships.

But that is all.

Jeez when I was 16 i dated a 26 yr old and my Mum didnt go off like you. She did exactly the right thing and trusted that she had brought me up well and given me thw sense and thw tools to deal with it. It fizzled out very quickly, very naturally and with no damage because I wasnt rebelling.

[daisydoodoo]

hes finished his gcses, before all of this emerged.

I would not have reacted like this if he'd told the truth from the start, truthful conversation about age gap rather than school gap, is all it would have taken. I have given no cause until last night for him and her to lie to me with regard to ages? even when I asked when the first rumours were heard I just asked for them to tell me the truth I didn't say I wouldn't condone relationship or that it was inappropriate. I just can't get my head around why they lied in the first place, there honestly was no reason for them to do so?

[OneMoreChap]

How well does a son know a mother?

I suspect better than you may think... ergo his choice.

[daisydoodoo]

Well I thought it was sorted but now his dads got involved (ds1 told him) and hes gone off on one big style. Called me all sorts if I allow it and how ds1 is not allowed by the school anymore except on the day of collecting results.

Told ds1 categorically that she is too young and that hes not allowed to see her again if he catches him with her then he'll bring him home. :(

[OneMoreChap]

... ah, so perhaps he knew what would happen if anyone found out...

[livinginwonderland]

and there you have why your DS lied, because both you and his dad have totally flipped.

[LapsedPacifist]

Daisy, do you live with your DS's dad?

If not why does his dad have the final word in what your DS is allowed to do, where he is allowed to go and who he allowed to see?

And if he does - then WTF does he get away with - 'calling you all sorts'?

[daisydoodoo]

no he doesn't live with us, I did make him leave and told him to apologise to ds1 as we had it sorted. I wasn't even going to mention the age thing to his dad, but ds1 told him. I am surprised by his reaction tbh and that hes not listening to me at all, we have a good relationship or so I though

We have 60/40 shared care to me. its a big stinking mess that would have all been sorted now and calm but now xh.

I have apologised to ds1 fwiw, and he accepted my apology. The girl has also apologised for lying and so has ds1.

[ZZZenagain]

so is he going to be seeing this girl despite what his dad said, or has the relationship been banned?

[Greenkit]

I actually had a chat with my DS(15) last night and asked him his thoughts. He has said that its a no, she is too young, it would be ok if she was a year younger, but not two.

As a 16yr old he would be looking for a different type of relationship to a 13yr old and should stop seeing her.

[mirry2]

I also agree with Greenkit and I think that parents are quite right in discouraging boys of 16 and over, 'going out' with girls under the age of consent. It only takes them to get carried away and sex to happen once and the boy's future can be ruined (the girl's too, obv, but for different reasons).

[daisydoodoo]

I don't know. Ive spent today dealing with the fallout from xh. The shouting has really affected the younger three. Ds2 has been particularly foul.

Ive told ds1 that whilst I can't condone the relationship I can't ban it either. Another conversation with me spelling out exactly what could happen and how he needs to protect himself with regards to being above reproach at all times no physical contact no being alone no sexting or even ambiguous messaging.

Most of his relationship are short term anyway so hopefully once the no one can tell us we cant see each other stage passes it will just fizzle out.

If not then im stuck again.