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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

ds1 (16) found out his girlfriend is 13!

77 replies

daisydoodoo · 18/06/2013 19:48

Im so cross ive been barefaced lied to by my ds1 and his girlfriend.

Ds1 is 16 in just over a week and just finished school so yr11. Hes been going out with his ggirlfriend for a couple of months. There was a rumour when they first started going out that she was yr8 I confronted them both together and she swore blind she was yr10 birthday in october so just missed on being in same year as ds1 by a couple of months.

So over the last couple of months ds2 (just 11) has had numerous people ask him if he was ds1's brother and that his brother was a paedo for going out with a yr 8. Each time ds2 had said no she was yr10 and defending his brother.

Tonight ds2 came home from the park upset as another boy had been saying stuff about ds1 again in front of ds2 and his friends.

I had been having doubts because of this so asked ds1 over dinner to confirm her age he was shifty and said she was 14 but I knew this wasn't the truth anyway a bit more pushing and he admitted she was $ is 13. Tbh im still unsure of her true age if shes yr8 with October birthday how old she would be?

I told him under no circumstances was he to contact her again and that I would be speaking to her parents and letting them know that I have told ds1 that he is not to go out with her.

Weve had screaming and shouting and swearing. I don't think im being unreasonable to say that a yr11 boy is too old to be goimg out with (regardless of sexual status of the relationship he assures me theyvr only kissed)? Am I being unreasonable in this decision?

OP posts:

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drwitch · 19/06/2013 09:57

honestly it is perfectly normal, a 2-3 year gap is about standard

mirry2 · 19/06/2013 09:57

I agree with the op. They will want to have sex sooner or later and she will be under age.

daisydoodoo · 19/06/2013 09:57

he had no reason to lie to me in the first place, this is the bit I cant get my head round. For him/them to have lied in the first place they must have some doubts about if its right/wrong?

They both lied re age before I confronted them about the rumours and name calling. We went to Chessington and I hadlenghty conversation with her about her gcses next year and how she just missed out on being in the same year as ds1 by a couple of months, so not like it was a one off.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 19/06/2013 10:10

I don't see the big deal tbh. I went out with a sixteen year old when I was thirteen, we didn't have sex. I went out with a twenty year old when I was fifteen, we didn't have sex.

All this talk of statutory rape makes what are often innocent relationships (and just because they are together doesn't mean they are having sex, just because society deems it to be so doesn't mean it is) into something nasty ans sorded when it doesn't necessarily need to be the case.

They need to be aware of the realities, that she is under age so not able to consent and your ds needs to know the potential consequences if he were to have sex with her, that he and only he would be responsible.

But in truth you cannot "put a stop" to them seeing each other, they will just see each other at her house if her parents don't have an issue with it. He's already lied to you, now you're giving him reason to do so. And other than lying, he isn't actually doing anything wrong.

And other children having a go at ds2 isn't a reason to forbid them from seeing each other either. As I said, he's not doing anything wrong so long as they're not having sex, your ds2 needs to stand up for himself a bit and also these kids perhaps could do with knowing that sixteen year old liking thirteen year old does not equal paedo.

Januarymadness · 19/06/2013 10:16

You know if you ban them from seeing each other they are going to rebel dont you

ClaraOswald · 19/06/2013 10:27

She would have been twelve at the start of the school year. Is she actually telling the truth about when her birthday is?

daisydoodoo · 19/06/2013 10:32

yes, as they were/are going camping the weekend of her birthday with her parents. When I spoke to the mum she said it was for the girls birthday, as I said then that I wasn't overly keen on the idea of them going away together, and the mum said well it'll be in a tent with everyone in the same sleeping space so what's going to happen?

They have been going out for 6 weeks, so she has been 13 the whole time and ds1 15 the whole time.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 19/06/2013 10:40

I don't think the age gap is a problem as it's only really 2 years, Those calling your DS names are silly and immature and your should tell your DS to ignore them. There is a problem that they lied to you, Do you think they knew you wouldn't like it so lied? They shouldn't have lied whatever they thought, I think if you ban them from seeing each other you'll just push them do it secretly,

Startail · 19/06/2013 10:46

Thinking about this, DD2 has mentioned some odd social convention about how many school years their can be between people you are friends with. I'm assuming this mainly means boys.

It's quite possibly they lied for a quiet life and deceiving you was not their first intention.

DownstairsMixUp · 19/06/2013 10:51

Unless they start having sex, there isn't a problem surely? If he really likes the girl he will wait, if not, then I'm sure it will be a short term thing and he'll go for girls his own age. Not all teenager boys are sex maniacs. I was 14 and my bf was 16 and he waited till I was 16 till we first had sex, we just kissed and cuddled up to that point and wasn't allowed to stay over each other's houses till we both were 16. Maybe set that to your boy and say that's the way it works as I think if you go in there all guns blazing banning it all together, they will want to do it behind your back to make a point. I had a lot more time for my Dad when he didn't blow his top and just compromised and told me to wait till I was legal age to do anything. I think if he would of gone mental and banned me seeing him, as I was so stroppy I would of tried my best to do it anyway. Isn't that what most teens do! :)

Madamecastafiore · 19/06/2013 10:54

I don't understand the problem. I would be angrier with the lying.

DH is 3 years older than me and you have to understand that 13 year old girls are emotionally and physically more in a par with 15/16 year old boys than ones of their own age.

All the 16 year old girls will be going out with 17/18 year olds anyway.

The lying would be my issue but them again given your reaction I can see why they were dishonest, doesn't make lying right though.

ZZZenagain · 19/06/2013 10:54

when they started going out, she was 13 and he was 15 but he is about to turn 16?

For a 13 year old girl, a 13 year old boy is probably going to be too immature to be attractive. It is natural that she is looking at boys who are a bit older. Three years is a big gap though. There is a big difference between being 16 and being 13 in terms of what you can do at the weekends and so on. I think it might not last for that reason. Would she fit in with his crowd or stick out as a lot younger?

I am really not sure what I would do. If her parents are ok with it and she is a nice girl, ds knows that sex would legally be an issue for them, I might let it be. Mind you my own dd is very nearly 13 and I cannot imagine her with a 16 year old boy - or any boyfriend really atm. I wouldn't be comfortable with her going out with a 16 year old and I am not sure I would allow it other than in a group setting. She is a very young 12 though. Perhaps this girl is quite mature for her age. Is that your impression?

Madamecastafiore · 19/06/2013 10:56

Sorry but go you think just by you saying now they have to end this that it will put a stop to snogging at your house during the school holidays.

I'd give my son a little more credit after speaking to him about sex, respect and what his life would be like being in the sex offenders register.

Remotecontrolduck · 19/06/2013 11:00

She's a bit young I'd say, 15 and 17 would be fine but realistically they are more likely than not going to want to have sex. If she's 14 in October that still leaves 2 years before she's legal.

I think it will run its course given time, now DS has left school and will be at college/sixth form I think he'll find a year nine a bit young for him.

I wouldn't do anything, it's not really bad but do underline firmly to your DS he can be presecuted for sex, sexting etc. On the other hand they could be really good together, I wouldn't try break it up.

ZZZenagain · 19/06/2013 11:00

actually now I think of it my mother did this. She forbade me to go out with a boy. I think I was 14 and he was 16, possibly 17. You can circumnavigate it a bit but in the end, if your parents don't allow it and have an eye on you, there is not that much scope to continue with it.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 19/06/2013 11:01

You are massively over reacting to the age difference. It is two years - very normal. 3 schools years is just unfortunate for them.

DS1 does not have to live his life by what might upset DS2 - that's bonkers. DS2 needs to stop taking his cues from you and just say to them - 'They are 2 years different in age - get over it'.

You would be MAD to ban them from seeing each other, especially as her parents are fine with it. All you do will do is cause a rift with your son and create a situation where they see each other behind your back - which they will.

If I were you I would be having a think about why my son felt he had to lie to me and then apologising to him for your over-reaction, ask him why he lied to you, discuss how lying to you makes you react and tell him it's fine to see her - but she is 13 and sex has to be off the cards because she is a) too young for it and b) he will get in massive amounts of trouble if anyone reports them.

I know it's a worry, but you really do need to calm down and think this through.

daisydoodoo · 19/06/2013 11:04

but hey had no reason to lie, nothing had been said about age differences at that point. It is the lying that is the main issue.

assuming that I now have the correct information re ages, ds1 will be 16 the beginning of July and she will be 14 the beginning of October so there is 2 years 3 months between them.

it really is not the age difference its the lying and the fact that we've defended him when people have said she was yr8 and I've categorically said no she's yr10 and so has his brother. I've told ds2 to deny being ds1's brother if anyone says anything to him again. he's just 11 why should he have to put up with shit caused by his brother?

OP posts:

SanityClause · 19/06/2013 11:08

The lying is a problem, the age gap isn't.

Stopping them from seeing each other isn't very sensible, though.

Why do you think they felt they had to lie?

ZZZenagain · 19/06/2013 11:08

he can't be the only 16 year old going out with a 14 year old at his school surely? I don't know why this whole paedophile business got going. Maybe sour grapes on the part of another boy who likes this girl? It is a shame your younger son is getting hassled about this but 2 years and a couple of months doesn't seem an enormous age difference to me. I am not sure how to help ds2 in this situation. Can't think of a witty come-back.

Maybe step back for a bit and see how it goes, you have spoken to ds and her parents seem happy with the relationship.Perhaps given a bit of time, it will all just blow over.

daisydoodoo · 19/06/2013 11:10

I have asked him why he lied to begin with, there's no reason why he would have felt the need to, especially at the beginning. once they told that lie they had to keep it up, but if they had/do stay together I would have found out very shortly that he lied, because of lack of gcses and also no change of school uniform for yr 11.

that's the bit I can't get my head round. He lied and she lied, why did she not question ds1 re lying to me especially if as she claims her parents knew and they rent just covering up for her?

There is no previous for this, no discussion on what ages are too young etc, like I said he's had a couple of girlfriends previously but one was his year as we knew her from primary school and the others ere either his year or the year below.

OP posts:

Madamecastafiore · 19/06/2013 11:12

The shit isn't being caused by his brother but narrow minded twats, probably other boys who are jealous that the only kissing they get us with the back of their hands!

SanityClause · 19/06/2013 11:13

Why can't DS2 just say "She's only two years younger than him. What's your issue?"

And the rest of you say something similar.

You are making this into something much bigger than it needs to be, and in the process, no doubt, convincing DS1 that he was right to lie, all along.

daisydoodoo · 19/06/2013 11:14

I think its this whole paedo thing, it really gets my goat. Paedophilia is a horrible disgusting act and to call another person that, I really think these teenagers don't know the damage they are potentially causing.

I am firm but fair, and our top rule is no lying. In the past when ds1 has been caught lying and been punished (i.e. didn't take his sisters sweets, when he did) I've always made it clear the punishment is for lying. the punishments are minor as we're not talking huge misdemeanours, so no ps3 for one evening etc

OP posts:

SanityClause · 19/06/2013 11:24

But your son is not a paedophile, and is doing nothing wrong.

It's wrong of others to call him that, obviously. But now you are giving their nasty word credence, by trying to stop them from seeing each other.

He's a bit old for "punishment" now, really, don't you think? Perhaps get her over, sit them down and explain it was the lying and not the age difference that is the issue, and try to clear the air. In all likelihood, they will have split up by September, but there's also a possibility she may be round for much longer, and it would be better if you all got on well.

Branleuse · 19/06/2013 11:25

i dont see a huge issue, as long as theyre not having sex yet

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