To feel as if I am trapped in an abusive relationship?

[washyourhairforgodssake]

With our 14 year old DD?

Sorry, that is not to belittle people in abusive relationships but I feel utterly broken by our DD. She is angry, no, furious, aggressive, loud, bullying and poisonous. I know these are strong words but it is the truth. We all creep around her and every day hinges on what kind of mood she is in. She shouts, is totally abusive, wakes up every day in a rage and if anyone so much as looks as her she starts yelling, slamming doors and hurling insults. Same when she gets home - she will come in the room from school and just sit there glowering about something that happened at school, of course I never respond in the 'right' way though I try to and she storms off to her room shouting. I feel intimidated by her. I try to stand up to her and tell her her behaviour is not acceptable, as does my DH, but it always ends in horrific scenes. She makes her brother's life a total misery and physically abuses him, he cannot even enter a room without her snarling poison at him.

She has no friends and never goes out. This makes her totally miserable and even angrier. She doesn't do particularly well at school despite our constant encouragement - it is very hard to help her with her work as she just tells us to get out or leave her alone. I would be surprised if she does well enough to leave home and go to University or college in two years which is the only thing that keeps us going. I honestly wish we could win the lottery so we could send her to boarding school, that sounds awful I know but she is destroying our family with her awfulness.

I have been to the GP twice but she was unable to help and said as she was functioning OK at school and socially she could not refer us and was only able to suggest Vit b6 for her moods, which hasn't helped.

I wonder if she has inherited mental health issues at times. Her father, not my DH, was an awful, abusive man who severely physically and emotionally abused me. She has never met him but it seems like life is playing a sick joke on me in that she has turned out to have a personality like his, but this time I can't walk away. I don't think it's just her being a teenager as she has always been difficult, it's just getting worse though and I am afraid, I feel like it's only a matter of time before she physically attacks me.

This is so awful but sometimes I wish she had never been born. She brings nothing but misery to our lives, honestly, nothing positive at all.

[Turniptwirl]

Firstly, look after yourself. If you need to leave s situation with her then calmly go into another room and close the door. If necessary, lock yourself in the bathroom!

Secondly, she sounds terribly unhappy. And not knowing any other way to deal with it, is lashing out at you. I don't have any advice on how to deal with that I'm afraid except that counselling of any kind will only work if she buys into it. My mum once suggested in an argument that I needed anger mamagememt and I still remember how awful it made me feel!

[chillinwithmyyonis]

I suspect bullying, I was bullied as a teen and it is totally demoralising. I took it out on my parents, not aggressive but just general snappiness and sniping. I didn't want to talk about the bullying, because its an assault on your character isn't it? If I admitted it to my parents, its so horribly embarassing and maybe they would agree with the bullies. Also, once you admit to being bullied, whether its teachers or parents, they want names of perpetrators but in my case I could probably reel off a list as long as my arm. My mum knew I was being bullied, but in a way she made me feel worse by saying 'what are they calling you, what names are they using', I didn't want to tell her that one person called me ugly, one person called me lanky and another spotty. Or she'd say, 'what you need is a boyfriend' !

I was put on seroxat at 14 or 15, not that it helped a lot, I'm not sure. The GP sent me to a counsellor but unfortunately my mum attended and she spent the entire time talking about herself, god knows why the counsellor didn't say anything but I spent the whole hour just looking at the lamp on the table. I didn't go back and my mum convinced me that counselling would make me feel worse.

I think it'd be great if you could find a way of getting her some counselling sessions, to attend on her own, as hard as that might be. It might be good for her to have someone seperate from the family to offload to. Parents, even teachers, can be too close, she might need that emotional distance and counsellors are trained to listen, not judge, say the right things at the right times.

[aeromum]

I'm new here but I am so pleased someone else has similar problems, not because I would wish them on my worst enemy but its nice to know, i'm not alone.

[leelu117]

washyourhairforgodssake: I can totally relate in every single way, in fact you could be describing in exact detail my life with my DD. It is a truly horrible way to be living. In fact hell that affects the whole family. If you can pm me perhaps we can chat.

[whitecloud]

washyourhair - really feel for you. The trouble is, if you are feeling rough yourself, for whatever reason, it is a lot harder to deal with a very difficult teen. Mine was just ordinarily stroppy but I found it extraordinarily hard to cope with because I was going through family bereavement at the time. I think you really do need all the support that has been suggested here and I hope very much that you find some answers and a better way of coping. She sounds so unhappy. It is natural to feel overwhelmed and to wish you could get out of the situation. You are only human and she is a very difficult person to cope with, so don't think you should beat yourself up with guilt. Other posters suggestions are really good. Good luck.

[THERhubarb]

I can only give you similar advice to what has been offered on here.

As she is 14 I take it she has started/due to start her periods. If she has only just started to behave in this way then it could be hormone related and that's something to talk to your GP about. She can have a hormone test to see if she has too much or too little of a certain hormone although symptoms of this are generally mood swings and it sounds as though she is like this all the time?

She needs to see a specialist. School can help to refer her to an in-house counsellor maybe? Have you spoken to school about how she is at home? What is her behaviour like there? How are her grades?

It could be that she is the victim of bullying herself that hasn't been picked up on so you need to eliminate that. Have school seen any instances of bullying? How does she make her way to school? Is she targeted on the way there or back?

I think your first step would be to organise a meeting with her form tutor and head of year to ascertain how she is at school.

I would then go back to the doctor and ask for a referral to a child mental health specialist.

Young Minds have a lot of advice to give and they have a section for both children and parents. I have used their service before when I thought no-one could help me anymore, but they did. With their help I gained a better understanding of the situation and had a few more options to explore.

She sounds very very troubled and I hope you get to the bottom of it soon as you are all clearly miserable with the current situation.

[sashh]

Could she be being bullied?

There is something deeply wrong, possibly depression. Not having friends is a big flag that something other than normal teenage strops are going on.

[RebeccaMumsnet]

Hi there,

We have moved this thread over to our Teen topic now.

Best wishes

[Itsjustapuppet]

I know this is a bit out there, but maybe worth checking if the cause is physical? I developed thyroid problems when I was about 14 and my personality changed totally. Depression, anxiety, aggression but of course I couldn't see it. Just a thought.

[Ilikethebreeze]

See a different GP. Yours sounds hopeless, and isnt going to be much or any use to you at all.
And meanwhile, your DD is suffering.

If that GP isnt much use, see a different one again.

We have several GPs in our practice.
I have several kids. I eventually worked out which GP was better for which things, and then booked an appointment with whichever one I thought was best suited to that particular thing.

[RedHelenB]

You need to stand up to her & STOP tiptoeing round her! What an example you are setting her siblings - behave like a bully & you can get away with it. £5 not enough - then don't go on the trip! Wrong food - bread 7 butter then. Having said all that teenagers aren't the easiest to get along with but you are cutting her way too much slack!

[washyourhairforgodssake]

ps I have the book Get out of my life, I am going to start reading it this weekend!

[washyourhairforgodssake]

Thanks cory and everyone else - I knew there would be lots of great advice on here! Going to phone the GP in a bit, and explain that she needs to help us. Then the school.

[cory]

washyourhairforgodssake Thu 06-Jun-13 22:39:19

"It is just an endless nightmare - I can't see how it will end - if I thought she would do well in her exams and go off to uni that would be one thing but it feels as if we will be stuck with her forever"

Try not to think ahead; it will weaken your ability to deal with today. She is still very young; there is time to recoup any exam results and various ways of doing that. The important thing is to deal with her unhappiness now!

Sometimes reading MN it is easy to get the feeling that unless you are on a trajectory of A*'s from the start of secondary school, get 12 A's at GCSE and go straight off to college and then to Oxbridge, you have shot all your bolts and all that remains is the gutter. This is not the case! GCSE's can be retaken in Sixth Form, most sixth form colleges do not demand a full set of GCSE's and certainly not a full set of A's, there are various ways around. Universities can be flexible and do not all have the same requirements.

My dd has suffered extreme anxiety and depression over the last two years, has more or less dropped out of school and is now doing a much reduced set of GCSE's. She will be going to college in the autumn and she will be doing A-levels. The college have said they are happy if she can get 5 passes; maths is a requirement but if she does fail it now they will let her do it alongside her A-levels. And the type of HE she is now hoping for is one where a full set of GCSE's is probably irrelevant.

Of course this is not an ideal situation: it would have been far easier for dd if she had just been able to do everything in the way that was expected of her. But what looked like the end of the road was not the end of the road either.

Ds is just a year younger than your dd. He has always underperformed at school and we've never really understood why. I went to his parents' meeting the other day and he has suddenly moved up an entire level in half at term. I have no idea what has happened, but a switch has flicked.

The point I am trying to make is that any time I have spent angsting over their academic future has probably been wasted. Time spent on the present- dd's depression, ds' worries about dd- has not been wasted. So start where you are now.

[GailTheGoldfish]

Lots of great advice. I was just wondering if, given you feel powerless to tackle things, perhaps writing a letter to her might be a way you can get across all you want to say - how much you love her but that her behaviour is not ok - in a way that gives you time to think about what you want her to know without the pressure or emotion of being face to face with her? I really hope things improve for you and school, GP or CAMHS can help.

[KalevalaForMePlease]

Some fantastic advice here, I'm a secondary school teacher and have worked with some very stroppy teens! Utilise the school as much as possible, go in and talk to them, your DD need not know. Also look out for yourself, take time out, give yourself a break from the atmosphere at home when you can.

Many parents go through this and out the other side, you are not alone. You sound like a fantastic mum who is desperately trying to get her DD all the help and support she needs.

[Boomba]

I think maybe you should get some ADs?

[formicadinosaur]

Book suggestions ....

Parsons - Teenagers

Tony Wolf - Get out of my life

[KeatsiePie]

You have got to get another opinion. Go back to the GP or go to another one, stress how severe this is (it is. You and your family cannot live with this, and your DD cannot keep feeling and acting like this either), and insist on a referral for counseling for her. And do not take her with you to the GP. If asked why she is not there, you can say that she lies about how she is doing b/c she doesn't want help (and that is true). B vitamins are a fucking joke of a response to this. Insist until you get what you need. Good luck.

[formicadinosaur]

Also start reading. There are plenty of great effective relationship changing books that will help you - start trawling amazon.

[formicadinosaur]

I was similar but I was deeply unhappy with my life and felt rejected and worthless

Have a heart to heart with her when things are calmer. Talk about making things better and ask how you can be more helpful when she comes home upset from school. Tell her how deeply you love her often. Build her up. Keep finding good things you appreciate about her.

What is she unhappy about at school and what is she unhappy about at home? How can things be made better?

Are you spending quality one to one time with her? Are you positive with her?

[McNewPants2013]

Have you had her hormone levels checked. Perhaps the pill or implant may help.

I am sorry you are going through this

[Monty27]

Have a look on your local boroughs gov.uk site, there's a lot of support out there for 'yoofs'. Phone them, and refer her yourself. Mine has been great (ds 17 but there's a younger bit as well 14-16 I think).

Feel your pain.

[thornrose]

It does indeed, I've wondered what the hell I've done to deserve this at times.

You have to turn this around so you are in control. You seriously cannot be afraid of your dd's responses or you're lost.
Your dd wants you to be in control even though she fights tooth and nail against it.

At the heart of her is a troubled child and you have to accept that somehow and find a chink in her armour, if that makes any sense.

It's not easy and I've had to drop the idea of dd "winning" and re think the traditional punishments and consequences.

Have you seen Maryz teenagers threads?